Monday, 5 February 2018

Down. . .

Then you leave me all alone. . . 

I just don't understand
This here love is compromised
Where does that leave us, when I look in - your
Eyes you seem to care
Then you lead me to another place
It isn't fair, all these rules you make

What compromises do you have to make?
Relationships are pretty hard to try and figure out.  That's always the danger in letting yourself get into one.  You head in there thinking you know yourself really well, you know what you want to be able to put into it, together with your expectations and hopefully co-construct with theirs.  I've been reading a bit about (not about relationships) but about deficit thinking and one thing struck me about this notion of positioning.  The are two types of positioning - interactive positioning that happens - when you make decisions or have ideas about someone else based on interactions, and then there's reflexive positioning - when you think about yourself in how you perceive yourself (Davies & Harre, 1997).

I just can't stay around
With all your foolish games
It's like a miracle
I made it this far, and you say you won't keep fighting
But I know you will
It's like a cycle and still. . . 
You keep pulling me

When you go to play a game, like a board game for example, there are rules that you need to read and understand.  Everyone needs to read the rules of engagement so that everyone knows how to play.  Knowing of course how they play is a different story, as people might try to manipulate those rules and cheat as much as possible in order to win. 

There are aims that people plan to achieve in the course of the game.  Whether you decide when you play this board game, you figure out whether you're playing to have fun, playing to win, or possibly both.  The same premise exists for if you want to play in online games and you're part of some gaming community that regularly meet in order to challenge each other. 

What do you do if you want to stop playing the game?  Will you allow yourself to keep playing until the other person is done, so you just put aside what you want in order to assuage their desire to continue playing?  We might stop fighting the urge to play and just continue playing because it's easier to do so.  But that isn't what you want to do.  You want to break the cycle and go and do other things in your life that take precedence and take priority.

Down down down down down
Lower than I've ever known 
Oh you tease me with a smile
Then you leave me all alone

How much further down do you have to go?
These things come in waves you know, so you just need to learn how to ride it.
I have tried to finish this blog post so many times but have been distracted by other priorities that I needed to complete and chip away at while the deadlines loomed.  I think when someone brings you down, they might not even be aware that they're doing it good.  It literally sucks that when they seem to be getting on their feet and starting to see how life can be for them, when they're making moves to realising their destiny, that they didn't realise how much they took from you in order to achieve it.  Maybe they do realise how much they took, but in the long run it doesn't really matter for them as long as you were able to give so freely of yourself in order to make it happen. It's time to reassess your life and your commitment to yourself if that guy keeps coming back into your life for all he can eat.  You're no cheap buffet woman.  You're an exclusive invitation only banquet.  Remember that.

I still wish things were good 
Just like they used to be
Two friends who fell in love
Trapped in the mystery, we had so much in common
(And we) laughed at everything
That was long ago
Ooh you went and changed

This doesn't happen often and when it does, it has the potential to ruin your entire life.
When you have these episodes, you will need to build a support network around you who will know exactly what to say in order to bring you out of your reverie.  However you can only rely on this support network insofar as how much they are willing to listen to you.  And you know what, who could blame them.  When you keep presenting the same problems to people, it's one of either two things: 1) You can't control the cards you've been dealt and you just have to play the hand you've been given in the best way you know how or 2) You keep persisting in playing a game that you will never win, but you're a sucker for punishment and you stay there all the same.  Why. do. you. do. that.  Nobody needs to actually answer that.  Just ask yourself that.

Before we lost control, before we started to fight
Before you raised your voice
Before I left that night
And now I'm left here crying
Head up, to the sky
Trying to get back to the point when we were right
You keep pulling me

When you fight with someone you care deeply about, you put yourself all in.
The frustration that arises from not being able to truly express how you feel, how they make you feel less than you want to be, is always going to be cause for argument.  When they are not able to see how much pain they can put you through, it cane be because they are in denial about any problems that may arise.  They may not want to take responsibility or have any accountability for the things they've done and what they've said that has contribution to the current situation.  There might be other times when there is no fighting at all.  Instead there is empty silence that soon starts to hang heavy between you. When you add all of those heavy silences together, it just ends up being one huge mass of nothing, a vacuum that sucks out anything good that you thought you once had.
Like a drop of rain

Falling through a passing wind
You keep pulling me
Down down down down down
Till we get back up again

When you fall through that passing wind, will you remain intact or just be swept across that space and land on some other inanimate object?  The craziest thing is when you can see things unfold right before your eyes and you have no power to make it stop.  So you wait patiently for people to just realise what their actions are and hope that they can see for themselves what's going on, and can make it stop.  You even start to second guess whether your own actions has contributed to the situation but quickly learn that you were never really part of the equation in the first place.  It seemed as if, but it wasn't quite.  When you are in a relationship or some kind of close connection with someone, you would hope to think, or would like to think, that what you see is what you get.  But sometimes it's not that simple. Sometimes we never get to see any of that seemingly straight forward, how it is realness that you think you're giving the world.  Instead you're just going down.

Just one, glimpse of happiness 
And I won't have to guess if love has won
You keep pulling me down 

After all is said and done, I hope that you start to see what kind of relationships and close connections that you want for yourself.  We can all too easily get dragged into the same patterns of behaviour, we can make the same mistakes when we think we have clearly learned, but actually haven't.  It can only take one slip, one memory to trigger that spiral of chaos again.  But the funny thing is, nobody externally can see or feel that internal chaos the way that you do.  Nobody else seems to know that your own blood is racing through your system or your heartbeat has jumped from your chest and into your ears every time you feel yourself reaching to that familiar place.  So either wise up or close the door to those who consistently knock on it, wanting parts of you that you are trying to hold sacred for yourself, if not for someone else who deserves it more.  The sad thing might often be, they won't necessarily know the door is closed until they start knocking and you never open it. You've moved house.  So who knows when love has won?  The only thing you will know for sure is that once again, if you're stupid enough to let it happen, again, you're going down. . .