Friday, 1 December 2017

Where did I go?. . .

My love was on hold. . .

Maybe this fate was overdue
Babe it's late and I'm confused
You showed me love that wasn't real (wasn't real, wasn't real)
Can't teach yourself to be sincere

I'm a fan of neo soul music.  I think from the time that I first watched Waiting to Exhale with my college/university girlfriends, the soundtrack spoke to the deepest places of me as a young woman,  One who was trying to find herself in the world, particularly if you had attended an all girls high school and wasn't really interested in knowing about the opposite sex because you grew up with brothers and didn't really pay attention to anybody other than in a platonic way.  There were particular songs on that soundtrack that were r'n'b inspired but for me, took me down a road of women who were able to sing about their feelings and express their emotion in melodic form.  To be able to understand how to lay your soul bare and to have levels of vulnerability exposed is hard to process for yourself, let alone with someone else. 

Where did I go?
Where did the sun rise?
How did I fall?
Got lost in the moonlight
Where did I go?
When did I realize?
My love was on hold?
So now this is goodbye
Good, goodbye
Goodbye
Good, goodbye

If we are careful we lose ourselves in places that we never think we get lost in. 
We get lost in the ideas of things, that time of ideation where you are so absorbed in what you've created that it seems so real, but wouldn't stack up in reality.  This is mostly because we measure ourselves by society's norms about what we think is acceptable, what we think we should be like and behave like - to conform to society and its expectations and belonging to some sense of social order so that we don't stand out for being too weird or too much of a freak.  If you've watched Spike Lee's Netflix series"She's Gotta Have It" you'll know that the female protagonist detest the word "freak".  How much freedom do we allow ourselves to explore, to really be what we want to be able to be, just be.  I guess when we are sick of sacrificing so much of ourselves for the sake of others - only then will we be able to break away and think about what is truly most important in your life.


This time my questions lay with you
'Cause each time inside I play the fool
Silly boy, where did that man go?
The one that hurt my soul
Now little man I left you on your own
With the whispers on your phone
I've been asking all along

My late husband used to say lots of really cool things that I now remember fondly.
He was probably more philosophical than he'd liked to have let on, because it's those conversations about ideas that I do the miss the most about our relationship.  When it came to love as an idea, he would say "Most of the time, people get love wrong, because they are in love with the idea of love, rather than the person.  They get that confused. They love the idea of being in love, but they don't really know what that means".  He was always wanting to know about past loves, why they hurt me, why I hurt them, why things never worked out.  He was curious and cautious all at once.  One of the biggest lessons he taught me about love, after he learned about those previous relationships, or if we had fights about things I can't remember now, but seemed so important to be right at the time (!), he would say, "You know, I only ever want your happiness.  Even if it means you're happy without me.  I only ever loved you for you - not for anything you can give me, just you being you."  That always melted me.  Every time.  Ladies, if you're starting to question where that man has gone, figure out whether it's worth being with a silly boy.

Where did I go?
Where did the sun rise?
How did I fall?
Got lost in the moonlight
Where did I go?
When did I realize?
My love was on hold?
So now this is goodbye
Good, goodbye
Goodbye
Good, goodbye

I hope that you learn about love in due course, of course, no remorse, I do endorse.
Love is different for everyone, in so many different ways.  There will be things about yourself that you won't understand, where you change because being with someone alters how you are with others.  It's something to do with how people can affect each other.  We will go through phases in our life, when we get lost in the moonlight and have to use that shine to find our way back to ourselves.  That hazy dream of moonlight can often reveal other things in the dark, other shapes in the shadows that you didn't notice are lurking there.  It will be important to say goodbye to the worst parts of yourself, to renew, to recharge, to be resilient and accept that even when you make mistakes, it's important to restart and get back on track again.  Once you stop putting your love on hold you'll no longer need to question where did I go?. . .