Sunday, 19 November 2017

Many's the time (In Dublin). . .

I was only trying too hard. . . 

Many's the time I'd do anything just to belong
Many's the time what I did I would feel to be wrong
(I was only trying too hard)
Just to belong
(I was only trying too hard)

I'm not too familiar with this song.
I've listened to it a couple of times over the past couple of months and weighed up whether I should write about it or not.  It reminds of situations you find yourself in life, where you're unsure whether to say something or not, to express any feelings or not.  What do you say when you're unsure about whether it will be accepted by people who ask you questions, but aren't really prepared for what you have to say anyway?  What would you do in order to belong?  We will come across quite a few situations and contexts in life where we are expected to conform and show that we are able to socialise enough to belong, to understand the rules and codes of conduct so that we participate in the social order of things, and understand the rules of engagement.

The wind pulled the water
Bonfire burning high
You took me in your arms
And told me I could cry
I didn't want to hurt you
I felt something was wrong
I didn't mean to want you
Just to belong

When you come across people and create memories with them, you might not be aware if there will be a shelf life or not.  Things that you counted on that would last forever, don't.  Things that you counted on being fleeting, last longer than expected.  You can never truly predict what will happen and it all depends on the tiny choices that you made that lead to these becoming tiny milestones.  When you are comforted by people and then turn around and hurt them - what is the motivation behind that?  I've been thinking about the many times that people have been open to me in recent weeks and shared about their private pain or public pride and to be honest, it isn't really clear whether there is a distinct difference between both at all.

First we got turned away
Then we got welcomed in
(First we got turned away
Then we got welcomed in)
I was only trying too hard
A place to begin
I was only trying too hard

Sometimes in life, we never really know whether we are coming or going.
If you are able to train yourself to step back from situations and learn how to "be" in the world, it's much better for you.  It may take a while to figure this out.  When we try to belong to something that is usually considered outside of our "normal" but mostly natural surroundings, the people we are tasked with expecting acceptance from, can choose to turn us away or welcome us in.  It could be soon resemble some kind of awkward tennis rally, where a flow or exchange isn't as smooth as it could be, until you get into some kind of groove that ultimately leads to you winning some straight sets (or unexpected wins like the Tongan and Fijian rugby league teams who have both beaten the Kiwi team and knocked them out of contention in the current Rugby League World Cup). 

We drove past the nightclub 
In a beaten up old car 
The man on the door said
"Do we know who you are?"
They gave us fruit cocktails
That we didn't want to drink
Techno music coming through
I started to think
Where are the people that we welcomed in
Where is the place, the place to begin
There's got to be someone, tt's got to be now 

People will often question who you are and whether you are someone worth knowing.
You just need to show people what you're made of, that you are made of stronger mettle than they think you have.  If you are from an ethnic minority like I am, it's something that you live with.  Like some disease that people from ethnic majorities don't actually see because they don't have the eyes to see that you work twice as hard, if not more, to excel not only in their world, but your own.  I think this is probably why I welcome people as much as I can in conversations that I have with others.  I think this is also why I try to include people in a dance circle if I happen to be dancing.  There's nothing worse than seeing someone feel like they don't belong.  Because I know what it feels like when people deliberately try to make you feel like you don't.

I made it my purpose
I made it my plan
The rulers of the world
Would never understand
That you are my dancing queen
I wanna hear you sing
The day that you do
I'll be your dancing king

If there are dancing kings out there that want me to be their dancing queen, hey, I won't say no to a dance.  There's nothing wrong with dancing. I just don't want people sidelining others from participating, or criticising others for how they dance (like how people used to make fun of Lorde or the late great Michael Jackson when they danced because they let their bodies flow to express their music).  What is your purpose?  What is your plan? I've been listening to friends, family and strangers talk about plans that they think they can no longer execute or lament that they need to change.  Don't give up.  There are things that you can do to make your dreams come true.  A friend said to me only a few hours ago that her dream was over.  No, I told her.  You can always begin again, you can always dream a new dream.  Remember, there is no limit to the amount of dreams that we have.

And if my words were stars
I'd send you a skyful
It felt so good
It felt so easy
It felt so good
It felt so easy

I hope that if anything as you continue to read my blog posts, that there are some gems or nuggets in there that you think will be of use to you.  They are usually words that come from my heart and my mind in a one free flowing breath that doesn't end until I add the final full stop to the final paragraph.  I sometimes think this is how I would like to live my life - but know that it isn't possible, and it isn't necessarily a bad thing.  There are some aspects that flow easily and other aspects that make you think you need to scan back over what you wrote and add some punctuation (like this sentence I've just written ha!).  I hope that you learn to send yourself a skyful of stars so that you understand and learn to create dreams that continue to light your path so that you learn to live your destiny.  You don't need to think that you only have one shot at this. but that you have many's the time. . .