Friday, 22 September 2017

Hiding inside myself. . .

I almost died. . . 

I've been so alone all my life
I couldn't give my heart to anyone
Hiding inside myself was the one
Who needed to be held like everyone

I love r'n'b music. Blame it on growing up in the 80s/90s and being exposed to this style.  I think what I love most about this genre is the way it paints a picture and tells a story that expresses a whole range of human emotions.  Have you ever been in this position?  There is always self doubt that creeps in when you take a long hard look at yourself, especially if you are alone, you were in a long term relationship that has now ended, either due to circumstances beyond your control. maybe it was your fault, or you find yourself losing the love of your life when you had planned a lifetime together.  Why do we hide inside ourselves?  It's easy to hide inside because nobody can really see us and try to hurt us when we hide our true feelings from others.  People might think you're really strong, tough and courageous when really all you want and need is love like everyone else. 

The days moved into years
I look for warmth between the tears
It never ever found me
Never ever found me
Yes, I did seem to grasp at straws
They surely broke all the time

The longer you go without any meaningful connections with people - whether they are romantic or platonic - you might start to question if there is something wrong with you.  It's ok to break down sometimes and take yourself away somewhere.  When I think about social media and the way that people portray their online personas, I often question whether people are truly happy.  I suspect people probably think the same about me too, and that's totally fine.  People will assume things about you based on what you put out on display.  It's only the rare few who will try to be there for you and ask all the right questions that shows how much they care about your health or wellbeing.  The rest of the time, people want to know things about you because they ware nosey haha.  We often look for warmth in all the wrong places.  Our trust may erode over time, particularly when people consistently break you.  Is it no wonder that you end up in tears and hide inside yourself?  You gravitate towards any semblance of warmth, only to find that it isn't genuine and what may have appeared to be solace and comfort, was indeed a trap and someone else's agenda.  I think the more honest you become with yourself, you will learn to be more discerning and guard your heart.

So I hid inside
Till I almost died
Yes I hid inside and I cried
A loving heart in a sensitive one
Hiding inside myself

Sounds dramatic right?
But sadly there will be times when you become mortified or experience some significant emotional trauma.  I'm talking about that heaving devastating agonising cry like somebody ripped your heart out of your chest and suddenly your world is turned completely upside down and you think you've gone blind and can't see anything.  I'm trying to rack my brains to think when I might have felt like that before.  There haven't been many times when I have felt like that in my life (thank goodness).  It's not the best feeling in the world.  The moment that strikes me first is definitely when I buried my husband.  That moment when the final words were being spoken by the minister who conducted his service, as flowers were being thrown into his grave and people started singing, I couldn't look on as his coffin was being lowered into the ground.  A wave of disbelief washed over me in an instant and the reality hit me that he was well and truly gone.  When the pallbearers finally stopped lowering his coffin, and stepped away, only then could I find release and let the floodgates open.  I remember embracing my high school girlfriends so tightly in that moment.  I can still remember the wailing that emanated from inside.  It took me a while to click it was me that was making all that noise. 

Then you came out of nowhere
I could not believe my heart
I didn't know how to tell you
Didn't know where to start
I know you understand

There have been distractions of people who have popped up since his death.
I call them distractions because that's what they have been.  They have been obstacles that took away my focus from what has truly been important in this journey - figuring out who I am and what I need to be doing.  Friends and family are concerned, I know, I get it.  There seems to be this thing where if you were married once, then maybe you should always be married.  It just feels like being married was a lifetime ago even though it has only been four years.  When I think about a four year old child and how parents dote on their every whim and laugh at how adorable they are, that's how I view this four year absence.  What have I learned about myself in this time?  I'm not sure whether I think love isn't on the cards for me.  People say - never say never.  I just say, well guys, it's not a priority right now.  But I know.  When I'm not paying attention, someone always comes along and tries to distract.

When I hid inside
I almost died
Yes I hid inside and I cried
A loving heart in a sensitive one
I know you'll understand

I hope that if you're in a position like mine - where you find yourself in a space where you don't know what life will bring you, and you're not really bothered by it - then just enjoy your present circumstance.  There are things that I am focused on that need to be done only because I know I'm the only one that can do it, like it's what I'm meant to be doing right now to set me up for doors that I don't know what they belong to - and that's ok too.  I no longer have to have things completely concrete.  I think my faith has been restored and renewed.  I don't stress out about things so much.  People that irritated me in the past, or people who I knew who tried to harm me - they are no longer part of my world, because I don't give them that power.  I have thought about this song for so long. Often when I choose songs, I know exactly how I'm feeling about them as I write.  I think the more I trust my voice and know what I want to say - the words just flow so much easier on the page.  If you are a regular reader of my blog posts, I want to say thanks for reading.  I don't know who reads these stories, ideas, opinions unless people tell me, and for that I am humbled.  I just try to use this platform to share what I think, feel and see.  So the next time you are going through some difficult emotional times for yourself. just know that it's ok to go there.  How long you stay there is completely up to you.  All I know is that I almost died. . . . but only when I was hiding inside myself. . .