Saturday, 19 August 2017

Ain't got far to go. . .

Close your eyes and take a step. . . 

Birds fly, we turned finally free
Patience lost, I began to lose me
My advice would be take a breath
Close your eyes and take a step

It's my late husband's birthday today.
I reminisced about the types of things we did to celebrate the occasion and I remembered how much he loved how I spoiled him on his special day.  When I lost him, I lost that part of myself that defined my connection to him.  Living without him has been a difficult journey, fraught with challenges where I crave listening to his advice for me when I had issues that he could solve or just hearing his thoughts about passions we both shared - particularly music and family.  I became impatient with grief when it first arrived at my doorstep and I didn't really know how to deal with it.  I wasn't expecting this situation to arrive so soon and I couldn't really talk to many people my age who had gone through a similar experience - I was the first to become a widow in my circle of friends.

I wasn't scared, I fought this on my own
You pulled me down and I let you go
I told you I would prove you wrong
And now I'm here and I'm standing strong

One of my friends asked me last night whether I still wrote blog posts, because she hadn't seen many from me this month.  August is always a particularly troublesome month because it is full of celebrations that I normally shared with my late husband - my birthday, our wedding anniversary and his birthday.  I must say that as the years go by, it does become less troublesome, but I never expect the ache to go away as people would have you believe that it will.  There have been moments when I have questioned why I have done things for others, in place of my late husband, and it has made me reflect on what I should be focusing on, standing strong on and relinquishing the grasps that reach out to me, when I do not want to be held.

I know (I know, I know)
I know (I know, I know)
I know (I know, I know)
That I ain't got far to go, go, go
'Cause I spent forever waiting
And it's no longer a dream
And now I've landed on my feet
And I ain't got far to go

Are there things in your life that only you can do?  That only you will be able to achieve?
I have a few of those things in my life at present and I have to harness my diligence and self discipline of my high school days to pursue my goals.  I sometimes think that if you are conditioned for success, often it can start to lose the appeal that it once had.  Not because you no longer enjoy being successful, but rather, that people expectations for your success can quickly turn from support to envy, even hatred.  It requires a lot of tenacity and perseverance to continue with postgraduate studies and you should seek all the available assistance.  I feel that after a significant period of turmoil, it is really good to be able to feel like the goals are becoming more tangible.  Have you landed on your feet too?

H-h-h-hold tight, rollercoaster, here we go
Florida, Orlando, I ain't playing with you
Day one, I said I'd go for me
One box ticked, got a lot to beat

Are you done playing games?
Listening to my friends and family in different situations of late, has lead me to believe that people play so many games in their lives.  I think to myself, why do we do that?  We can't be real and authentic anymore?  We just have to play our cards close to our chests and make sure people don't figure us out?  I'm not sure if I'm fed up with playing such games or I've actually learned to see the games coming, so extricate myself from being involved.  If you don't like certain rides, just don't get on them.  People will try and push you on, misconstrue what you are about - just know whether it's all worth it or not.

I'm here to stay, I'm here to stay
Amen (amen), amen (amen)
And if I had to go back in time
I would just do it again (again) again (again)

I believe that I don't have far to go to achieve my dreams, fulfil my goals.
There are people who don't think I can do what I have set out to do, but I don't need to focus on that.
Just focus on what needs to get done, prioritise the important things that do good for others in the long run, even if they can't see it right now.  Spend less time trying to justify why you're doing what you're doing, and believe in your destiny.  If things don't pan out as you'd planned - that's just more motivation to keep pushing and never give up.  So keep your eyes on the prize and stay confident in knowing that we ain't got far to go. . .