Wednesday, 26 July 2017

Just let it go. . .

When you're learning to let go. . . 
Happy birthday to my brother in Sydney - thanks for teaching me more than you'll ever know :-)

You've been through so much
So many ups and downs
You've given your love
But never liked the way it turned out
You closed off your heart
And you carried the weight
Like a million rocks on your shoulders
But you don't have to wait for an apology (But life isn't meant to be perfect)
Or for someone else to make amends (And we won't always win)
When you can remember (But can you remember)
That your healing is in your hands

Lately some family members have been unwell and are in hospital.
Life has revolved around working, study and spending time with people who need me there to support them has been a top priority.  Watching people fight for their lives has helped me to get on with my own and think very carefully about what we are meant to do in this world.  When you have focused in the past on superficial things that seemed to take up the most of your focus and energy, it's important to not be dismissive of that either.  When you have carried the weight of so many who should've carried their own weight, it has not been a complete waste of your time.  The thing about learning how to teacher others to do what they need to do, may seem like it has come at a cost to you, but this should not be the only thing you see.  How did you feel helping everyone around you?  There must surely be a reason why your shoulders are broader than others, why your ears hear more than others care to bear, why your mouth speaks more words to heal others when others seek to pull them down.  It's ok to give your love.  If it isn't reciprocated, it just means that they are not meant to be the ones who reciprocate for you.

Just let it go, inch by inch
Just let it go, and do it again
Just let it go one day you'll see
Just let it go, you set yourself free

When I visited a sick uncle last night, he had just come out of a coma.
We had not seen eye to eye for such a long time, for various reasons that I won't explain, other than to say that the more that I learned about music, the more I discovered my truth, discovered my voice, and felt empowered to speak my mind.  This was at odds with him and when I confronted him so many years ago, I was only 20 myself at the time, it felt like the words coming our of my mouth were words that I had not thought in my mind.  My mouth moved and I spoke, but I wasn't completely conscious.  I just remember at that time having had enough of what I felt was mistreatment.  Fast forward to last night.  I had only visited him once before, last week.  My parents had been visiting on alternate days.

You've been used
You've been abused
Someone came along
Who didn't value you
You carried the weight
Of your heart
Like a million rocks on your shoulders
But life isn't meant to be perfect
And we won't always win
But can you remember
That your healing is in your hands

We sang a song.  One of the mothers with us, lead us in prayer.  We sang the closing song to signal the end of the small intimate prayer vigil we held for him.  We all took turns saying goodbye to him so that the hospital staff could carry on with their duties.  The first time I visited him last week, I had rubbed his arm, spoke to him in my mother tongue, encouraging him to be strong and that my parents and our church people were thinking of him.  Last night I rubbed his arm. and said casually, hey it's Manu.  He sat up abruptly, faced me, and seemed to be in shock.  I'm pretty sure the family were as stunned as I was.  I told him in Samoan, that's enough lying there, time to get up.  I told him my parents sent their best and that the church were thinking of him. so pretty much the same sentiments as the first time I saw him.  The first time I saw him, he was asleep.  Last night when I saw him, he was awake.  If there are people around you who are sick, go visit them.  Use your healing hands.

Gave it your all
You put your blinders on
When you looked around
All of your friends were gone
You took the fall
And you carried the weight
Like a million rocks on your shoulders

All of the things he had done to me in the past, I let them go.
To see him in a helpless state was moving.  I could see how much he meant to his immediate family - my aunt, my cousins, his grandchildren.  I couldn't help but think, maybe he reacted that way to me because he must've seen my late husband while he was asleep.  Maybe when he was asleep, he was set free if only for a short time.  I would also like to think that all of us who have been to visit him have been able to help heal him in some small way, with all the things we have said to him, all of the loving gestures we have shown him.  I don't need to wait for an apology from him for the past,  I was just glad to be with him in the present.  Whatever initial awkwardness there was in me being there, was quickly banished when the sincerity of my presence was felt.  Maybe this is what we need to show more for each other these days?  How we can be sincere, how we can be there for each other, how we can truly care and heal others who may secretly reach out to us for healing, in spite of it all.  Maybe this has been the way I have been able to set myself free in the process.  As hard as it has been for so many other journeys that I have travelled alone in my life, I can still see the beauty through all the pain, just because I just let it go. . .