Sunday, 25 June 2017

The story. . .

It's true, I was made for you. . . 

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true, I was made for you

Who knows the real stories about you?  People may only know certain chapters, but never really know the complete story that is you.  I don't think it's possible for people to really your complete story, and if they do, it's either because you've been really honest with them, or they care enough about you to pay attention to know everything about you.  Do you have someone to share your stories with?  I think people tell me their stories either because they have nobody to tell them to, or they can't actually tell their real stories to the ones they want to tell them to the most.  How do we get ourselves into those positions?  It can sometimes be hard to be the keeper of stories and figure out what it is that you are meant to do with those stories.  If you have a repository of stories for as long as your can remember, and those same people keep telling you their stories, then you must be doing a pretty good job of it.  Sometimes you become a story keeper rather than a story teller.

I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam across all the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines, and I broke all the rules
But baby, I broke them all for you
Oh because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
For you

When we say that we do things because we do them for others - we need to be really clear.
Is it really for that other person's good, for their benefit, or we are just deluding ourselves by saying that to ourselves time and time again?  What do we hope to gain by doing things for others?  If you have something to gain, then that is the wrong intention.  We should be doing things for others because it is always right to be able to help and support others, and not think that it is important to do so, because of the expectation of reciprocity.  Sometimes that is the furthest thing from their minds.  So much short term gain with long term pain.  When someone can make you feel truly valued and have a purpose to fulfil, hold onto these people as long as you can.  If you find that you are the one who is being constantly taken from, you need to start questioning how much you want that to continue happening.  Does your self worth diminish because you're giving so much of it away to others?

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
And they don't know what 
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you

Be real with yourself.
People take you at face value for all of the things that you're saying.
But nobody bothers to listen carefully to what you are not.
Is it really all hiding behind your smile?
I think people sometimes are equipped to deal with your dramas or personal problems, because they either don't have the same barriers you might be facing, or are just not experiencing anything worth having dramas about in their own life.  On the flip side, if you are dealing with traumatic issues and still able to take on other people's dramas (let's be honest, drama is in the eyes of the beholder) then you just have a huge capacity to care for others.  Despite your own circumstances.  Good on you.  And if nobody has said anything to you - thanks for being a really good friend.  Even if people don't appreciate what you do for them - as long as you know that you are, that's all that matters.

And all of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true, I was made for you
It's true that I was made for you. . . 

I hope that when you look back at your life, you will be able to see how much you meant to people.
They might not realise it now, but that's ok.  They won't realise until you're gone and things will have changed without you.  If you're someone who doesn't like to make other people feel bad in your absence, I guess you could spend time trying to get people to understand your stories, that is, if you're willing to share stories with them.  If you have nobody to tell you stories to right now, write them down instead, or be like me, and write your thoughts and feelings in a blog.  Stories can still mean something when there are people to read them.  So even if there is no significant other (or just another) in my life right now, just know that I write these stories for you; it's true that I was made for you. . . 

Wednesday, 21 June 2017

Open your eyes. . .

When will they open their eyes?. . . 

Looking back I clearly see
What it is that's killing me
Through the eyes I want to know
See a vision once let go
I had it all

A friend of mine introduced me to this band and it ignited my love of rock music again.  I love this song in both its rock version and with this acoustic rendition that I've included in this blog post.  I like the fact that sometimes when you play song, they can sound equally beautiful both in full bore and in its most restrained.  We have dualities like that too within us.  Both the light and the dark, the heavy and light.  I have listened to this song so many times but as with other blog posts, I wait sometimes for songs to speak to me before I can write about them.  Often I will wait until hearing them enough times can also translate into what is going on around me in my own life.  Do you know what's holding you back in living your best life now?  We sometimes look to our past for inspiration, when we should be taking notice what's around us, right in front of us, right now.

Well constantly it burdens me
How to trust, I can't believe
I lost the faith, I lost the love
But when the day is done

Things happen to us and we can lose faith or lose love quite easily.  I guess part of our learning in this life is to figure out how to navigate our way through it all.  I sometimes think we're like people playing space invader arcade games, trying to avoid being hit, avoid crashing and burning.  Those games only allow us a few more chances before we die for real.  When I've played those arcade games, we might quickly insert more coins as the timer counts down the seconds.  Other times we might grow impatient with the game and press the buttons so fast to speed up the clock that's counting down.  Maybe we might even just watch the timer slowly count down, and choose not to insert more coins to continue playing nor choose to speed it up in frustration while watching the clock.  Which one are you?  Is this what burdens you?  Trying to find yourself out of dire straits every single time?  Opting to quit when things don't go your way?  Accepting what is and letting things go?

Will they open their eyes, and realize we are one
On and on we stand alone until our day is gone
Will they open their eyes and realize we are one

As much as I appreciate difference and uniqueness, there are times when I wish people would see that underneath it all we are the same.  I think this especially when people use differences to divide, rather than to celebrate diversity.  I think the more I am in coming into contact with different people in my life, the more opportunities I have to grow and get to know other like-minded people. it helps to consolidate my beliefs and values.  When you are challenged by things that force you to open your eyes, you get to decide whether you choose to take them on board or not.  What happens if you force others to open their eyes?  How receptive are they to really hearing what you have to say?

I love the way I feel today
And how I know the sun will fade
Darker days seem to be
What will always live in me
But still I run

I think when people think of happiness, maybe they should actually think about it as some Zen state of being where you learn to acknowledge your dark side.  What deep darkness lies within you?  I think it's healthy to acknowledge this darkness, rather than run from it.  Take a good long look at this darkness in the mirror.  Name every aspect of it that you see.  How else are we supposed to know what the light feels like if we don't know what to leave behind when it's time?  We might get annoyed at ourselves and judge ourselves harshly when we make mistakes and do things unintentionally.  We hold ourselves accountable in such a way that we would never hold anyone else accountable.  Could this be the reason for your generosity of spirit?  The face that you would forgive anyone anything and not judge them because you're too busy judging yourself more than you need?

It's hard to walk this path alone
Hard to know which way to go
Will I ever save this day?
Will they ever change?

If a path is hard to walk alone, chances are, you are meant to walk it alone.
I've been enjoying some alone time in recent weeks and I've found that there is no greater source of happiness than celebrating what you are grateful for, as well as acknowledging the other emotions that fit into that spectrum as well - those moments when you are sad and mad.  When we don't know which way to go, we often on someone else to tell us where to go, hence why walking a path alone is hard.  If we waked paths with others, we are more inclined to feel safe and comforted, knowing there is someone else there who can offer support or some much needed respite when you can no longer walk alone.  As for those who choose to torment you on this path, try to ruin you and sabotage your efforts, when will they open their eyes and realize we are one. . . 

Monday, 19 June 2017

Conscious. . .

I'm just being conscious . . . 

I can't stop talking to myself
I keep on looking in the mirror
Something is different about me these days
Or maybe I just woke up
I know I'm breaking through my shell
Because everything is getting clearer
A little light can make a lot of change
Or maybe I just spoke up
Or maybe I'm just finally

To be conscious is to be fully present in the moment you are in, being able to take in all of your surroundings, taking notice of every detail, as much of it as you can absorb with all of your sense combined.  We become too easily distracted these days.  Technology steals our attention when we are with friends because we feel compelled to keep checking what is being said or posted in virtual spaces rather than enjoying deeper connections that can be found in physically, close proximity spaces.  It isn't lost on me either that you're reading this online somewhere in the world - either on a train or a bus somewhere in Europe or in North America, or maybe in an internet cafe somewhere while you're busy browsing other things that take your interest.  Have you broken out of your shell lately?  Sometimes we forget that when we look in the mirror we forget to use it as a tool to be critically self reflective and confront some home truths about ourselves. It is something I constantly think about.

Haven't gone crazy I promise
I'm just high up from that honest
Open my mouth 'cos I feel
(Feel, feel, feel)
You might say I'm out of pocket
But I got so tired from boxes
Watch me as I keep it real
(Real, real, real)

What type of people do you find yourself surrounded by?  I find it increasingly difficult to be able to hide what I really think these days, and I don't I need to apologise for that anymore.  I think it has a lot to do with not living up to people's assumptions about how I am supposed to be in the world.  I never meet anyone's assumptions.  +Kevin Honeycutt said to me once that I would surprise people - that when I open my mouth, I do not sound like what I look like.  That was something I haven't forgotten since those words came out of his mouth almost five years ago.  It helped give me insight into what some people might think about me.  What state of consciousness do you have?  When you go to open your mouth - do you say things that you are feeling?  People around are becoming more honest about who they are and how they are feeling.  Some of them apologise for their honesty, but I tell them that it's important for them to acknowledge and speak their truth.

There's a new rhythm in my walk
I'm taking every step on purpose
And I see people start to notice
But maybe I just don't care
I know that some will say that I'm lost
I'm eating apples from the serpent
Does my awareness make you nervous?
I'm thankful I'm not still there
I'm thankful that I'm now finally

You can minimise silly mistakes in your life, if you are conscious of every step that you make, that you live not only with purpose and intention, but that each step has purpose and intention.  It is of course, important to have some down time as often as you can to balance the seriousness of a life that you will dedicate to being the best version of yourself.  Whether you need the validation of others to spur you on as motivation, if you need people's approval to allow you to move towards bigger goals - that's totally fine and natural.  I think once you get to a state of consciousness when if your life mission is able to withstand people's perceptions, and escape the scrutiny of critics who could never possibly understand what you are about, why you know what you know.  If you're eating apples from the serpent, you're probably the type of person who is willing to try anything once - to me, this is just one way of getting an informed opinion.  Sometimes being more aware than others in a confined space, doesn't mean that you have limit yourself either.  That I think is probably the most fascinating part of being conscious.  That you don't need to travel far physically to be somewhere completely foreign.  You can just go there in your mind.

Haven't gone crazy I promise
I'm just high up from that honest
Open my mouth 'cos I feel
(Feel, feel, feel)
You might say I'm out of pocket
But I got so tired of boxes
Watch me as I keep it real
(Real, real, real)

When you are out of pocket, it could be because people ask for so much so you give it away.
When you give so much of yourself away, does this then mean there is room in your pocket for you to put your hands in there while you walk around with those meaningful, purposeful steps?  Even when sad, tragic or hard times come calling, I understand that I meant to experience those things because the mirror I am holding up to myself is telling me that opportunities for growth are present.  If I could count the number of boxes people have tried to put me in there, and I have stepped out and crushed each time - I could start a recycling plant.  I'm like that annoying jack in a box that has a loose latch, so keeps popping out all the time, so hard to keep in a box.  Keeping it real could mean that not only do you not fit into a box, but there is so much about you that people can't quite pin down, so they almost try to chop you up into as many boxes, attempting to break the pieces of you, not knowing you've adapted to knowing yourself in every shape possible.

While you spend time chasing collections
I'll chase a deeper connection
To love more
Live more
Be more

I hope that even when we're done spending time chasing our public collections, conforming to what society would have us do - to be seen to be normal and contributing to the machine that is the rat race of life, that we have a chance to gain deeper connections with others.  I have found that those in the past who I have been connected with, have stumbled in their journeys and lost their way.  When we come to reconnect, they have little understanding about who they are anymore as they've been too busy looking out the window at people living their lives and being their best selves.  I hope that you all love more, live more and be more.  I think once we start to own our thoughts and own our feelings, we can all start to be a little conscious. . . 

The distance. . .

Who's calling your name in the distance?

The sky has lost its color
The sun has turned to grey
At least that's how it feels to me
Whenever you're away

When you are missing what you have with someone, what you had, time is irrelevant.
You might worry about things changing because distance plays tricks on you if you don't pay attention.  Do you take notice of things not being as you wished them to be?  Do you take notice of the change of temperature, sights and sounds around you when you sense the slightest change?  We forget that we must keep our wits about us sometimes.  What are we paying attention to these days that we took for granted in the past?

I crawl up in the corner
As I watch the minutes pass
Each one brings me closer to
The time when you're coming back

I don't know if I can go back to how things used to be.
You can rely on history playing tricks on you (again) and wonder if you keep finding yourself in this space because you keep making the same mistakes, or you have believed in something for so long and now you've come to a rude awakening about the reality you were trying to avoid.  Time apart or time alone seems like a good thing, until you're face to face again with the person you were missing so much, and it isn't quite the same anymore.  When did we realise that we weren't coming back to us anymore?  I think I knew it when I wasn't coming back to a place where you thought you had lead me there in secret, so cleverly, or so you thought, until I understood what you were trying to achieve.

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time
Until I next see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed 
That with every breath I take 
I'm calling your name
But I can't take the distance

Is it my fault if you can't take the distance, the miles or the time?
I guess it's not about the blame game, but more to do with trying to figure ourselves and what we want as individuals.  I think it's absolutely vital that this happens before seeking to be in relationships that make no sense, can never be, or never were.  How totally unsuitable would it all be?  More than an inconvenience?  Has anyone ever called your name when you've walked away?  I've heard my name called a couple of times when I have chosen to walk away.  It was really hard to stay true to who I was and not turn around.  Have you been tempted to go back?  Even if you were to go back, would it still be the same?  People change, circumstances change, people move up, move out, move on, move in, move off, move down.  We may not agree with anything anybody says sometimes, but we do know that people either move or are moved.

I still believe my feelings
But sometimes I feel too much
I make believe you're close to me 
Getting close enough
Not nearly close enough

When you start to feel too much (or not enough) it is always an easy thing to tell.  You can notice things like eyes shifting, people fidgeting, countless sighs that never seem to end.  I've been chatting to friends about things like passive aggressive behaviour, feelings and directions.  It is always refreshing to talk to people who genuinely wonder about things that they keep bottled up inside, because they feel that by not sharing their feelings, that they don't exist.  Why do we have to keep playing make believe?  Have we stopped believing?

I breathe fire and I break free
To be by your side I'd do anything
I can't take the distance

I don't know if I could take or accept all the things that you do for me.
I wouldn't expect you to go out of your way or do things that make me a priority over anything else that you should be putting first.  What would you expect people to do though who want nothing more than to be by your side?  I don't know whether I can take the distance of being away from them or being further away from myself.  What is the reality for you?

I will go the distance
I will go the miles
That's how much you mean to me

I hope that people understand where their life's journey leads them.
We might take a lifetime to really come to grips before we can really begin to know what and who we are prepared to go the distance for.  I sometimes think you can't be fully prepared to go the distance and go the miles for someone else, if you can't do that for yourself.  Before you let anyone else know how much they mean to you, spend time getting to know who you are, far from the world's prying eyes and have the strength of conviction to know how much you mean to you, because that's how much you mean to me. . . 

Monday, 12 June 2017

Just the way you are. . . .

I just want someone that I can talk to . . . 

Don't go changing to try and please me
You never let me down before 
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore

I was just over a month old when Billy Joel released the album The Stranger where this track belongs.  I've blogged about so many of his songs, mostly, strangely enough, from this particular album and I'm not sure whether it's because I must've been hearing it a lot during my first few months in this world.  When you think you're too familiar with someone, you try to find new things to talk about because you don't want to feel stale or stagnant, you want to be vibrant and constantly on the move.  But if that isn't naturally how you are, not naturally your way of being, does it become more about what you expect to be, rather than a natural progression to that state?

I would not leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are

There's something to be said for people that are only with you in the good times, but never stick out for you in your bad times.  I've been having conversations lately with people who have been going through some tough times (when are people not in tough times - just seems to be more of it lately than ever before it seems), but everyone is at different stages of difficulty, struggle and loss in whatever they seem to be facing.  My ears and empathy are always attuned to hear and receive what people are saying with their words, how they say them and whether they are aware of the aches and pains, the anguish that seems to seep into their words that they don't see.

Don't go trying some new fashion 
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care 

Is it a bad thing to want to alter your physical appearance?  Cosmetic changes may be something that you feel make you feel good about yourself.  When people aren't willing to show you their passion, but have shown it on so many other occasions - does this mean that they have stopped caring?  Why do we keep testing people to check whether they are suffering without you?  When people don't respond to what you're saying, maybe they don't know how to respond to what you're saying or they have nothing they feel is significant enough to say?  What new fashion are you going to try today?  are always going to be quick to judge you on your physical appearance - it's normal, it's what they see.  I had someone compliment me just tonight on the way to dinner, asking me if I was training because I looked slimmer.  I just said I'm smiling more, so I must look happier.  They didn't buy it.

I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are

Maybe you want clever conversation because you've had other things before and they never mean as much.  When I expect someone to be able to talk to me, it should be effortless to a point, but only because you spent the time getting to know someone so that it eventually does become effortless.  It takes time and energy, really careful listening and a genuine appreciation of people, despite first impressions.  I actually really like clever conversation - but not the intentional clever kind.  I like clever conversation where you bounce off each other and things just fall into place and you discover meaning together.  Like happy coincidences or happy accidents that are serendipitous.  Not the opposite of that, which is like, oh well, shit happens.  We shrug our shoulders, brush it off and move on.

I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take till you believe in me?
The way that I believe in you?

I think when you come to rely on someone to be a certain way for you, it can be natural to think that they will always be like that forever.  When do you realise that they have changed though?  When they exhibit behaviour that deviates from what they have expressed to you in the past, you start to question the change.  When people do change, they might make some big announcements about why they are changing and then hope that they are able to sustain this rate of change.  This mismatch of belief in each other, may not be because of you not having enough faith in someone, but more to do with them not having any faith in themselves.  

I said I love you and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are

I hope that you find someone who loves you even better than you think.
We think so little of ourselves and don't remember how amazing we actually are, because we listen too much to the negative voices, to the people who do not care to champion the things we love, the people we want to uplift and wish success for, just as much as we would for ourselves.  If someone wants you to change for them, have a think about it.  Change because you want to, because it makes you happy and you want to try it.  Otherwise just know that you're beautiful just the way you are. . . 

Saturday, 10 June 2017

Sorry seems to be the hardest word. . .

It's getting more and more absurd. . . .

Sometimes it's hard to accept when someone is sorry because you don't understand whether they are being genuine or not.  Think about the different times in your life when someone was sorry for hurting you.  Depending on what they did, was it easy for you to forgive them?  What happens if they do it again, but the second time a lot worse, and say sorry again?  Would you forgive them then?  We would almost feel like we are suckers for punishment and should know better right?

What have I got to do to make you love me?
What have I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that you're not there?

Romantic films will have you believe that profiling someone and getting to know all of the things that they like and value can win you a place in their hearts. But we all know how unsuccessful this course of action is and before you know it, the guy loses the girl, the girl loses the guy - whoever wanted to gain but ultimately lost in the end, something like this happens.  If we are met with a rebuff from the object of our affections, and we are at a lost to know what to do, it's probably the best thing that you put it all out there, warts and all.  If they don't know what to do with you, then that says more about them than you.

What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over?
And sorry seems to be the hardest word

If someone does not reciprocate or return the love that you so willingly give them, then it's time to cut your losses and think more about yourself.  Recognise that you don't need to do anything to make yourself more desirable - either people want you, or they don't.  If someone needs convincing about all of the cool things that you can do, the type of person that you are - have we become nothing more than checks and balances on a pros and cons list?  If people cannot hear what you are about, cannot hear anything that you are trying to say, then you are right to expect a sorry.  Just know that it isn't one of the easiest words to be able to string into a sentence.

It's sad (so sad) so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad (so sad) so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

This is my 800th blog post on my blog.
I've written a lot over the past few years about love, relationships, about empowering yourself and holding onto hope.  Sometimes though, we need to know when it is time to walk away from situations that no longer serve our purpose, get up and move away from a table when love is no longer being served.  Have you thought about all of the ways in which you have tried talking things over?  The thing about talking is that people need to take turns listening to each other.  If only one person was doing all the talking all the time, I would think you were in church listening to a sermon or in a university classroom receiving a lecture.  Those are probably the only suitable times when all you need to do is listen, while an expert imparts their knowledge to you and to the rest of who is gathered there.

It's sad (so sad) so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad (so sad) so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

Things can quickly become more and more absurd when people lose control of their mental faculties, have no idea about why their actions have lead them to an unwanted situation.  Do things get more and more absurd, when you think you've been through enough of the constant mix of tragedies and comedies that have become your life?  What if you're just so used to drama that you can't even tell the difference anymore?  You must start to figure out why things are starting to pan out the way they are - whether it is because you have caused it or you have inherited problems that have nothing to do with you.

What do I do to make you love me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I do when lightning strikes me
What have I got to do?
What have I got to do?
When sorry seems to be the hardest word

I hope that you find peace of mind and find all of the answers to these questions.
If you keep asking me what you need to do, you will never be able to make decisions on your own, figure out how to deal with consequences that have everything to do with choices you are making, rather than rely on others to figure it out for you.  I'm all for being a good friend and helping people when they need it the most, but when they keep asking for advice about things that they already know the answer to - but just haven't put it into motion - then no more repeating myself.  Sorry is the easiest word to say for me, but for you, sorry seems to be the hardest word. . . 

Strangers again. . .

How are we strangers again. . .  after all the time we spent. . . .

The way that it stands
I can't hold you
The way that it stands
I don't even know you

You might be holding back more than you held back then.  That's ok.  You can keep your secrets.
You forget how animated your face gets though, so reading your face is like reading a favourite book, where I've memorised lines, anticipated the twists and turns in the story, reading those same passages over and over and feeling exactly the same way in each twist and turn.  It's that weird space of knowing that you can't change anything, even if you could.  You're just feeling the exact, right reaction at this moment in time.  Underneath it all, maybe I don't even know you.  But are we meant to really know anybody anyway?  If we don't really get to know ourselves as much first?

We're strangers again
How does it happen after all the time we spent
Strangers again
Now we're waiting for our time to come again
Strangers again
Facing the sad sunrise
Rising, rising

How do people who know each other so well, suddenly become strangers?
When closeness ends and separation ensues, it is usually because it has to end and new beginnings must start to take shape and form, otherwise we will start to lose ourselves in places we cannot afford to be lost.  We will never be able to pull ourselves back from making poor decisions.  What do we even base our decisions anymore?  When do things become strange again?  Light creeps in and exposes secrets that you think you held tightly, that you thought you had either buried or disposed of away from prying eyes.

Don't let go my hand
Don't try to freeze me
Don't let go my hand
I want you to seize me

Why will people not let go of your hand?  When we try to freeze people out, is it because it is what we really want to do, or what we feel we must do in order for things to be able to move in a meaningful way?  I can't be tasked with helping people see things about themselves that they always seem reluctant to see for themselves.  Are you prepared to hear what you need to hear, instead of what you want to hear?  You should be done with seizing people, taking over their lives or being seen  as someone with all the answers, because these are no concerns of ours anymore.  When someone reaches out for your hand time and time again, politely relinquish their hold over you.  There is no need to hold onto things that we don't need, people we don't need.

We're lovers again
And when it happens I don't want the night to end
Lovers again
Now we're waiting for our time to come again
Lovers again
Facing the sad sunrise
Rising, rising

When you become lovers again, you agree to return to a place that doesn't really exist.
We believe we have entered our new reality - but we might just be lurking in a perceived reality that we can't yet hold up to the light, in the light of day, in public, uncaring of people's opinions or cast aspersions.  We wait patiently for those times to come around again.  What does that make us?  People who are good at waiting.  We almost become like wait staff who do other people's bidding, waiting for tips for jobs well done that we don't understand we aren't being paid to deliver.  How did we learn to wait in this way?  Are these the lessons that life teaches us?  To sacrifice what little we have, to hold onto what little we can?  We compromise our self respect for the crumbs and promises that can never satisfy.  This is what the sad sunrise looks like to me.

Let's spend some time together
Not seeking pain or pleasure
Just killing time together

Being able to tell someone that you have no expectations of them, that you are willingly representing someone in their life who doesn't give them any pressure - how do they take that?  They might prioritise you last in their life, because you don't ply them with urgency or lever them with something that prompts them to place you further up in the list.  When you are able to seek neither pain or pleasure - what else is left?  Being able to celebrate physical nearness, just being able to be together doing absolutely nothing - isn't that what everyone wants?  Time well spent is killing time with you.

We're strangers again
And when it all happens all you know I can't pretend
Strangers again
Now we're waiting for our time to come again
Strangers again
Facing the sad sunrise
Rising, rising

I hope that you won't need to face that many sad sunrises.
It's like figuring out that as much as you know about someone, maybe even understand or know them more than any other person in their life, you are not an actual part of their lived reality.  You don't belong in the spaces that they now occupy, which is why they either push you away, or give excuses not to see you, even though they spend time doing other things that are detrimental to their health and wellbeing.  Maybe they can't give you what you haven't been able to articulate because they're just not capable of giving that with their baggage.  They can't give you what you haven't been able to say with their actual choices that maybe did not include you as an option.  But hey, if you're willing to wait for your time to come again, then maybe, just maybe, you might not have to face sad sunrises for much longer, and that before long, you will no longer be strangers again. . . 

Sunday, 4 June 2017

Breathe again. . . (Sara Bareilles). . .

How you feel before you've found that something you were searching for. . . 

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
All the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words come undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

Do you question what your heart holds?  Especially when you consider how you might think you have run out of love that is meant to live in your heart, enough so that when you find someone that you want to give love to, it should automatically transfer its value across like some paywave transaction that happens when words are spoken or actions demonstrated.  What value do you place on those words becoming undone now?  What ghosts linger in the wake of what is happening?

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again

You have to wonder if you are out of breath because he is the air and he's withdrawing from you now.  What power does he hold if you have allowed him to become the air that you would kill to breathe?  You should start to realise that his love is not enough and never will be, because it's not meant for you, he can barely love himself as it is, and you will learn to breathe without him in time, as you learn to trust your own breathing again.  This is how you will breathe again.

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart 
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

You don't need to question if any of the things you shared were true or not.
They might have been true at the time and they might even have meant something, but like moments in time, they are fleeting, they pass, unless you can record them and watch them over and over again (why would you torture yourself like that) and if you were able to build foundations of something worth having - after that - isn't that what everyone wants?  But I guess people try to keep their options open.  People want escape routes if they can't handle who they become in situations, because they might feel unworthy of such a love and finally start holding that mirror up to themselves and see themselves for who they are rather than gazing out the window and blaming others for their choices.

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again

When someone holds your love in their hands, you question how they are holding it.
Are they being gentle with your love?  Are they being careful with it?
Are they being rough with your love?  Are they creating bruises that make you worse for wear?
Are they being nonchalant and careless with your love?  Now they have it, they're being reckless with it and wouldn't think twice about dropping it, losing it or abusing it for their own entertainment.
What are you left with after they hold your love in their hands?  Are they hands you can trust?

Oh it hurts to be here 
I only wanted love from you
Yeah, it hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?

Is this what you really wanted?
Sometimes when we think that what we want from people is love, it is actually honesty.
We just want people to be genuine with their intentions and mean what they say.  Do you get sick of reading between the lines?  Why do people make things harder than they need to do?  We question people's intentions because we might still be smarting from bad experiences that we have had with past relationships and we're not sure how we will proceed when people cross our paths and cause a distraction from the daily routine of your life, from the goals and deadlines you have disciplined yourself to follow.

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again, I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again, I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again, I'll breathe again

I hope you realise that the things you were searching for all along, have lain inside you.
We can often rely on other people to fix us, to take a look at our issues, problems and discrepancies and make us new again.  Nobody has the power to do that.  As well intentioned as they might as well, this doesn't actually help us in the long run.  You can finally understand that the love you were carrying for this person is a burden that you should not be prepared to carry anymore, not out of some sense of misguided loyalty, nor out of some sense of misguided self sabotage and punishment.  If people can no longer see the amazing worth that is you, or can't handle the brilliance that you are, then they are doing this because you are the air that they need to breathe.  They just don't know how to breathe.  So they must push you away in order to learn how to breathe on their own.  They will breathe again, just without you.  Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again. . . 

Saturday, 3 June 2017

Everybody hurts. . .

When you need to remember that you're not alone. . . 

When your day is long
And the night, the night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life
Well hang on
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

What kind of life are you living that makes you think it's time to let go?
I have often had conversations with my friends, colleagues and strangers (you know the type, the friend that you only just meet and only expect to have them be your friend for a short period of time, like a taxi driver or a fellow passenger on a plane) about life.  The usual conversations with friends will often be picking up on threads of conversation from the last time you spoke or if you're talking to a stranger it might be about what you do for a living and where you are heading to or just leaving from.  I find that when people stop caring or taking interest in your life, when you start to feel ignored or isolated, it is very easy to feel hurt and neglected.  What do you do when you feel this way?  Do you still people how you really feel?

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (hold on)
(Hold on) if you feel like getting go (hold on)
If you think you've had too much of this life
Well, hang on

It is easy to feel like letting go of life is the easy solution.  But it isn't.  
Everyone I know has been busy posting messages about the popular Netflix series 13 Reasons Why.  Just as popular has been an American high school deciding to counter the notion of this series by having a series of daily morning radio announcements where students share their story and thank someone at school who has helped them overcome their own fears and obstacles and kept them alive.  They named the project 13 Reasons Why Not? 

'Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts 
Don't throw your hand
Oh no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you're not alone

Do you have friends that you can find comfort in?
I have had friends in the past who would tell me a lot about the things that they were going through, but never deigned to tell their real friends, the people they grew up with, what they were facing because they had this public persona that they needed to uphold.  Why do we punish ourselves in this way?  Is public image so important that we would be prepared to spend time investing in a facade of a life that shows you are able to keep everything together, or should you lay your vulnerability bare, for everyone to see?

If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much of this life
Hang on

I meant to post this draft a long time ago, but I always felt as if this song was a bit more challenging to write about than other songs, only because of the potential heaviness I feel while listening to it, and having to carry that around with me during my day seems more than I am willing to bear.  I've also recently been getting back into my songwriting and had a brainwave a few days ago while writing some Samoan ballads and I had forgotten how sometimes I do think too much of this life, and think there is too much going on in this life.  It doesn't make me think however that I don't want to be a part of it.  There are moments I want to escape it or want to get off the merry go round that I seem to be on because people want me on it and keep spinning it without my permission just to see me react.  Why do people do that?  When others delight in your panic or pain - are these types of people worth having around.

Well everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on

I hope that you know that it's ok to hurt and feel those feelings.  But it's also important to know that those feelings will come to a natural end, that those times when you are hurting will pass.  We just need to remember to foster our sense of resilience and know when to bounce back, to remove ourselves from the hurt and pain and rejoin a direction for life again, a commitment to momentum and pushing through the hurt and pain.  Surround yourself with people who want the best for you.  Surround yourself with things that make you feel good about life, that brings you the joy of living and help keep you fascinated and connected about the beauty that the world has to offer.  Find those people and things and you will only hurt sometimes.  Not all the time.

Everybody hurts but you are not alone. . .