Monday, 29 May 2017

Talk. . .

Oh, you keep saying what I've heard before. . . 

People talk, people talk
But they don't wanna say what they're really trying to say
Hopes and fears, smoke and mirrors
Save all the thinking, words by themselves they just fade

What kind of talk are you hearing around you?
When people talk and talk and talk, you might easily switch off, like some really smart appliance that knows when to conserve energy and wait for action that can only come from further instructions or from taking initiative where none exists.  It doesn't really matter how much people talk and talk these days, it's more about being selective in your responses, when you feel compelled to say something, to react to what is being said.  Whether you choose to talk straight from your soul or hide it behind smoke and mirrors is totally your choice.  If we spend far too much time having to think carefully about the words we say when we talk, that might be a little bit too much effort on your part to conform to those around you.  Time and place for different levels of talk I guess.

People run, people walk
But they never see past the world that they're in
So if it's talk that you want from me then maybe you should let me in

When we run away from or walk away from our world, it may be because we need a break from a situation, need a change of scenery to give us more purpose and to feel more centred about a direction we are pursuing.  What world are you in right now?  Is it where you want to be?  I often think about how when we talk with others, how much they are prepared to come into your world, or whether the expectation is for you to follow them into theirs, or you both agree to some plateau of a place that allows you both to be in, to meet somewhere in the middle before returning to your roles and responsibilities in reality.  When I have been invited in to certain places, I might take a look around and get to know my surroundings, learn to observe what I'm actually seeing around me and then think about whether I am welcome there, could possibly belong there, or maybe run or walk away just as quickly as I entered the scene.  You must always be mindful of the logistics of a context.  Don't forget that.

Oh, you keep saying you won't let me go
Oh, you keep saying what I've heard before

Why won't someone let you go?  Is there something you've done, or is it because of who you are to them that they feel that they can't let you go?  Have you cast some sort of spell over them that you haven't been aware that you've cast?  I guess it also depends on the tone in which they say that they won't let you go either.  Said with tenderness and earnestness, it speaks of love.  Said with harshness and bitterness, it speaks of pain.  When we are willing to really tell others how we think and feel, how long before things start moving?  How long before we start to accept what is the consequences of our actions?  Do you believe them when they say they won't let you go?  Do you try and test their resolve by pushing them away?  When someone keeps saying something and we continue to do whatever we like, even though they've been very clear about their intentions, does this mean we no longer care?

Playing with empty hearts, leading words felt like they're just going nowhere now
So if it's talk that you want from me then maybe you should let me in

Have you been accused of leading people on?  You might say things to others because they genuinely ask.  But you might be criticised for trying to incite things in others, when you should be trying to put them against each other in such a way.  Who teaches us to act this way?  Do we like it when people fight over us and crave that kind of attention?  Do we like it when people have to sacrifice things in order to be in a life with us or expect people to be able to read our minds, just like that?  Why are our hearts empty?  Once they were full and overflowing with love, for others, for strangers, for everyone else, except us.  When the self loathing decided to come knocking and start living in our hearts, it quickly made sure that it was empty, not allowing room for anything else positive to stay in there again.  Why do we allow ourselves to be lead nowhere in this regard?  What do you want from me?

Oh, you keep saying you won't let me go
Oh, you keep saying what I've heard before
Oh, you keep saying you won't let me go (talk)

If you're like me, you're not one for repeating yourself.
When people say things because they know that it is the right thing to do, rather than what you neither want nor need to hear - then there is some real talk that needs to take place.  Do you have a good memory?  Are you able to recall all of the things that you've heard before?  If you know people really well, either because they're your people and you value the things that they say, then you will know without a shadow of a doubt, the very things that mean so much, things you don't mind having heard before, or things that hurt so much, things that you couldn't forget hearing, even if you tried.

Keep talking to me bae
Keep talking to me bae
I know all about you
I know all about you

I hope that the only person that needs to be bae - is actually yourself.
We can't be who we need to be for others, if we don't first look after what we need to, take care of business to ensure that we will be productive and achieve what needs to get done.  Know all you can about yourself before you go passing yourself around to others who might mistreat you, take you for granted or never truly appreciate the gift that is you.  We sometimes forget how important or significant we are for ourselves.  Guard yourself, be vigilant, be wary of those who want to dominate your time or seek you out all the time.  It is ok to be free and open as you want to be, but before you start listen to others and listen to everything they have to say, take a moment and listen to yourself, be prepared to listen carefully and hear your own talk. . . .  

Sunday, 28 May 2017

Smallest light. . .

I've got big things to do. . . 

Break my heart
Break my hands
You can take anything but my plans
Ooh ooh I've got big things to do

Have you been inundated with people hell bent on trying to ruin your plans?
I'm not sure whether it's the change of season or you're starting to develop some discernment and seeing people for who they really are, but it's definitely something that has become increasingly apparent in more recent times.  So how do you deal with it?  How do you maintain focus and keep yourself grounded so that you continue to believe in the things that you know you've always done that help others, things that you have always done that stem from the beliefs and values that you hold in a special place in your heart?  People will come in and out of your life, either ready to break your heart and break your hands, meaning that they are here to stop you from realising your brilliance.  I guess the question is - will you let them?  Ain't nobody got time for people like that - so don't make room for them in your life - ok!

You can laugh
Have your fun
I'll be standing right here when you're done
Ooh ooh I've got big things to do

When you are a person of colour, it is easy for people to view you as the expert in your own race, in the group of people that you have been tasked with representing.  But I maintain that there is a distinct difference between yes, knowing your cultural identity and for some people they might choose to know all there is to know about values and protocols to do with their ethnic identity, but my race doesn't also define the skills that I possess either.  Don't get me wrong, it definitely is one of the contributing factors, because if that was the case, then every single Pacific Islander I know would be all the same, like Stepford Wives or robots that are mass produced - no.  We are people who have different skill sets just like everybody else who has the potential to do whatever in all things they set their hearts and minds to achieve.  People will laugh at you and think you won't amount to anything.  But I think we have moved too far beyond all of that to still be stuck in 1950s Aotearoa New Zealand.

Just because you don't see us
Doesn't mean that we don't exist
Sometimes the smallest light
Shines so bright
Yeah, sometimes the smallest light shines so bright

When you are not being seen, and you are physically there, it is because people do not want you there.  I have lost count of the number of times when I've suddenly become invisible.  It makes me smile wryly when you can't exactly hide a woman like me in a confined space.  It's not physically possible.  Not just because I take up a lot of space, but I know how to stay in my space without having to crowd others, yet I sense I might be intimidating to them.  It's a matter of perception I guess.  I think early on in my career it used to bother me, but I don't think you should ever have to apologise for being in a room, especially if you're qualified to be there.

I got heart, it's enough
It's the only thing left that they can't pull apart
And when they try, I'll fly

It is understandable that you guard your heart.  It's the thing about you that helps you understand how you feel, the control room of your centre of emotions and helps you to decide who cares about you or who doesn't.  Who uses you and who doesn't.  Who wants to ruin you and who doesn't.  Have you figured out an escape route yet?  Sometimes we think that we need to subject ourselves to unimaginable pain because we did unfathomable deeds - but you are your own worst enemy.  Trust your heart and know that it deserves love, your own especially.  I wouldn't let anybody rip my heart from my body and stamp all over it and hope to kill any emotions I had.  If I saw somebody try to do that to my friends and family, I wouldn't let them anywhere near to cause any damage.  So why do you do that to yourself?  Why allow someone enough power to try to do that to you?

I can't win, there's a cost
You can't lose what you've already lost
Ooh ooh I've got big things to do

What have you already lost?
When we have nothing left to lose, it is only then that we act with complete recklessness and total abandon because there is nothing left to stop us from noticing any risk anymore.  There are no further repercussions, ramifications or consequences that could possibly deter you from making the choices that you should have made long ago.  When we accept what we have lost or haven't done, then it is time to look at what we want to gain and what we haven't done - and go do that.

Just because you don't see us
Doesn't mean that we don't exist
Sometimes the smallest light
Shines so bright
Yeah, sometimes the smallest light shines so bright

I hope you realise that when people can't see you for who you are, that you can either make them see you, so you go and do things to stand out or just no, accept that they can't see you because their eyes aren't made to see the beauty of you.  People that truly value you, will see you no matter how small your light is.  They will gravitate towards you and want to spend time with you because of not what you can do for them, what you can give them, but because they just enjoy being around you.  There are people who will reach out to you when you least expect them to, being exactly who you need them to be, when you think all hope is gone.  Be open to all of the things and people that come with encouragement when you need it the most.  What message do you want to put across to those who should know you but don't?  Just because you don't see us. . . (we've) only just begun. . . 

Good things come to those who wait. . .

Is it worth the wait?

There's no emergency
No sirens in front of me
There's nothing to stop me from getting my way yeah
I'm not going anywhere
If you tell me, I'll stay right here
I'll be in the same place everyday

You can be forgiven for thinking that everything has to be done at such a quick pace, that life will pass you by if you don't move fast enough to match that frenetic pace.  I often think that we compare ourselves so much to others when we see that they're moving and we're not.  People have often commented to me that I have achieved so much in my life, but I don't think about that much.  Granted yes, lots of qualifications and experiences, but to me those are symbols of things that I have collected along the way.  I enjoyed (or at least attempted to), the process of learning during those times and what I learned back then is still valid today but things never remain static.  What same place are you in everyday? 

Heart stays patient
'Cause I know it's worth it

Is my heart really patient though? Is your heart patient?
We will have times in our lives where we grow increasingly aware that if we aren't careful, that our hearts will eventually become patients in hospital, because it's too weak to pump blood around our bodies and this causes fluid to build up in our lungs hampering our ability to breathe deeply and comfortably as we have been accustomed to doing.  Do you know how to adjust your diet and review the medication to ensure that you can manage whatever else life has to throw at you?

That's why I take my time
Take as long as I got
Won't pretend to be somebody I'm not, no
Good things come to those who wait
I'm not perfect, nobody is
Could fill an ocean of blood sweat and tears
Good things come to those who wait

Why do we spend time pretending to be somebody we're not?
We may choose to try and exhibit some obscene levels of perfection that actually detract from the beautiful imperfections that we have, that everybody has, but struggle so hard to conceal.  I just think we need to be persistent and pursue what is most important to us.  Have you tried to rush things and never got far enough ahead, made as much progress as you were expecting?  Maybe slow and steady does win your own individual races that you are running, in whatever contexts that you are running in because when it comes to achieving the good things we want - there is no concept of time.  If it is our destiny to fulfil, it will come to pass.  

To show all my cards to you
But that's what a fool would do
I prefer to stick when the others would twist

You might start to question whether you can trust people around you because they choose not to show all their cards to you.  Maybe they are being guarded because you invoke something in them that requires them to protect themselves.  Maybe you're the one that's refusing to show all your cards, because you are waiting for things to come right somehow, when the dust settles so that you can see whether you are being taken for a fool or not.  Are you prepared to stick to your guns and be who you are, no matter what, when others will change or twist whatever they want to say for their own advantage or personal gain?

'Cause most people would run and fall
They don't even work at all
There's nothing to prove, just to feel you exist

I guess rather than questioning if we can trust others in our lives, focus first on how much you can trust and believe in yourself.  Nobody can make you do things that you don't want to do, as much as you would like to think so. We make choices that either lead to good or bad outcomes.  When do you realise that you no longer need to be defined by these choices anymore?  When do you realise that you no longer need to prove yourself to anyone?  Depending on your level of visibility and your desire to be seen, then you will just be someone that exists.  

That's why I take my time
Take as long as I got
Won't pretend to be somebody I'm not, no
Good things come to those who wait
I'm not perfect, nobody is
Could fill an ocean of blood sweat and tears
Good things come to those who wait

I hope that you take as much time as you need to get things done, to set your priorities straight and consider what needs to get done.  People will always try to get you doing things that they think are important, mostly because you are the reliable one, and that's what you've always done, so surely you must not mind doing it right?  I sometimes think that just because you're good at something, it doesn't mean that you have to do it.  Don't get me wrong - we can celebrate our strengths and keep doing things that soon become effortless and boring if we let it.  But I would much rather take my time and use it to explore all the possibilities of the things that I don't normally think I can do, or that people don't expect you to do.  I've realised that you don't need to be in a rush to get anywhere, but instead, just stay in your lane and be persistent about what drives you to be where you will never think possible.  Keep your eyes on the prize and just be completely in the moment when you emphatically know that good things come to those who wait. . . 

Saturday, 20 May 2017

The greatest. . .

When you need reminding yes. . . you are the greatest. . . 

Uh oh running out of breath but I
Oh I, I got stamina
Uh oh running now I close my eyes
Well oh I got stamina
And uh oh I see another mountain to climb
But I, I got stamina
Uh oh I need another love be mine
Cause I, I, I got stamina

Do you have stamina?
It requires that you have sustained or prolonged mental or physical effort.  When we are in situations doing what we normally do, are we able to dig deeper and channel even more than we think we have?  Do we have reserve energy left in our tanks to do what needs to get done?  Just when you think you've overcome so many hurdles and obstacles in your time - there are other more significant challenges that come across your path.  Why does this happen?  I guess it has something to do with you being able to not rest on your laurels.  I'm not saying that you don't get to celebrate your achievements - I'm just saying that you should always be preparing for the next great imaginable challenge that takes you to other places you never even dreamed of going.

Don't give up, I won't give up
Don't give up, no no no
Don't give up, I won't give up
Don't give up, no no no

Why would you give up?
There might be people who outwardly say all of the right things and claim to be a friend, but behind closed doors they join the rest of the mob who would love to see you fail, because you have compromised your own journey to conform to other people's low opinions in the past - so why start now?  Never give up what you are locked down to commit your time and energy to.  There might be times where you see no end in sight and you will be your own worst enemy when it comes to self sabotage, but you also might start to believe the naysayers who see nothing positive in their own lives - so they try to ruin yours.  Tell yourself in each waking moment, so that you continue to stay work - don't give up, I won't give up.

I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive
I'm free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest
The greatest, the greatest alive
The greatest, the greatest alive

You can be free to be the greatest.
I have had people, not in so many words, but more or less in the way that they look at you and wonder what you're doing in the same room as them - especially if you look as if you don't belong.  I know what that feels like.  That's the story of my life in Western society.  I don't think I do what I do to try to belong either.  I know exactly where I belong.  I may sound like a white person but I don't look like one.  But see, the thing is - I'm not trying to be white.  I'm just set on being the best version of myself - no matter what context I walk into.  There will be no compromise about who I am, what I stand for and who I represent, even why I came into existence.  All of that was decided before I was but a gleam in my father's eye when he first laid eyes on my mother.

Well uh oh running out of breath but I
Oh I, I got stamina
Uh oh, running now I close my eyes
But I, I got stamina
And oh yeah I'm running and I've just enough
And uh oh I got stamina

Even when you are closing your eyes - while everyone has already been fast asleep or awake for that matter, you almost have to have it so that things are always continually moving and working in your favour.  Not because you want to amass any notion of power - far from it.  Having such a high level of stamina to withstand all of the critics and all of the people who never get past your face value, because they never truly stop to look and appreciate the value of your face - that says a lot more about them and their upbringing rather than what you could ever have brought into the room.  Be prepared to run and walk, skip, hop and jump where and as appropriate.  There is no clear indication about what pace we are going, we just need to be sure we're headed in the right direction.  Stamina is all you need in that regard.  Now you know why I've got stamina.

Hey I am the truth
Hey I am the wisdom of the fallen - I'm the youth
Hey, I am the greatest
Hey, this is the proof
Hey I work hard, pray hard, pay dues hey
I transform pressure, I'm hands-on with effort
I fell twice before my bounce back was special
Letdowns will get you, and the critics will test you
But the strong will survive, another scar may bless you, ah

I hope that whatever you are dealing with in your life right now, that you are in control of how you want things to be for yourself.  We cannot control people and I wouldn't want to either.  I'm interested in having healthy debates and arguments about things that matter to all of us.  Granted, I have been frustrated along with way, continually explaining and reasoning with others about why change must happen - but this is because we have never truly mastered the art of listening to one another.

It has taken me a while to write this particular blog post, because there are pressures and efforts that are continually thrust upon me - misunderstandings of events and situations that are no fault of anyone other than bad communication and an unwillingness to listen.  But pushing all of that aside, watching the dust settle and seeing what's directly in front of me, we should be afraid to assess our surroundings and take stock of the actions we take to enjoy our liberties.  Just as I'm rooting for your freedom to be whoever you want to be, I'm free to be the greatest. . . I'm alive. . . 

Saturday, 13 May 2017

Idle worship. . .

Don't let me let you down. . . but I'm gonna be the one to let you down. . . 

Standing here like I'm supposed to say something
Don't hold your breath, I never said I'd save you honey
And I don't want your money
If I was you I'd run from me or rip me open
You'll see you're not the only one who's hopeless
Be sure to put your faith in something more
I'm just a girl and you're not as alone as you feel
We all got problems don't we?
We all got problems don't we?
But rest assured there's not a single person here who's worthy

Don't let me let you down

I am still surprised when people reach out and thank me for things I've said and done for them.
Most of the time I am unaware of the impact of what I've said and done, and will only be aware of what it has meant for them, if they come back and tell me how much what I did got them through some difficult times, helped give them courage or swept away some unease about a situation that they were preparing for.  I am totally aware though of the power of words and even when they exit my mouth they may have the power to cause life or death depending on the emotions that are carried with those words, the sentiments that I am trying convey based on how I am feeling in that moment in time.  When someone discloses information about themselves and the more they tell you things, you think about whether they are telling you because they are either asking for help, asking for an opinion or just asking for you to be someone who just listens while they say things out loud for a change; to release the words swimming in their head that if they don't release, will come out in other times that are less appropriate and possibly even unsafe.  So the buck stops with you.  All at once, you are the single person that they have entrusted with it all.  No, there's no pressure at all.  Just another high stakes conversation in the life of yours truly.  Who's worthy anyway?  Don't let me let you down. . . . 

Hey baby I'm not your superhuman 
And if that's what you want, I hate to let you down
I got your hopes up, now I got you hoping
But I'm gonna be the one that let you down

When your energy becomes depleted because people are wanting so much of it all the time, you must learn to protect yourself and learn to say no.  Yes we all have problems and we all have heroes.  But you should also know when it it is time to step back a bit and live in your own life for a bit, while other people sort out how they want their life to be.  You've been a great friend.  You should be commended or receive some kind of award or recognition for the work you've done to make their lives the best that they could never have dreamed would be their current reality.  They thank you all the time.  Accept the compliments.  Now take some time to really focus on what you want to do, what you need to do to replenish yourself and keep you in control of what is best for you.  Sometimes we never really know what's good for us because we're too busy worrying about other people.  Take the opportunity to enjoy life in your own skin.  Be present in your own moments.

Oh, it's such a long and awful lonely fall
Down from this pedestal that you keep putting me on
What if I fall on my face?  What if I make a mistake?
If it's ok a little grace would be appreciated 
Remember how we used to like ourselves?
What little light that's left, we need to keep it sacred
I know that you're afraid to let all the dark escape ya
But we could let the light illuminate these hopeless places

Just let me let you down

For the most part, people will continue to turn to you for help and support.  Sorry to say, there's no real escape from the awesomeness that you are.  Couldn't even hide it under a bushel, your light is just that blinding.  So instead of trying to run away, just clear about your expectations for yourself and what works for you.  If your friends and colleagues really care about your wellbeing, they would be instrumental in what it means to contribute to you being well - not become the root cause of it all.  Keep hold of your sacred light.  Lots of people are after it and want to keep it for themselves.  That's not how it works.  Everyone has their own light that they must cultivate and care for.  Too often they continue to want and crave your light because they keep putting their own out.  What hopeless places do you continue to frequent?

Oh no, I ain't your hero
You're wasting all your faith on me
Oh no, I know where this goes
Think it's safe to say your savior doesn't look a thing like me

Don't let me let you down

It will be extremely difficult to find faith in yourself if you continually rely on others to believe in you, like you are some vending machine that can only produce self belief when someone puts their faith in yours, only to realise that they will take away your faith in yourself and consume your contents like they had a right to buy it.  This is why we can't sell ourselves short, we should sell ourselves in this way at all.   What happens when people want to continually put their faith in you?  You might not have asked for it, but they only trust you to give it to for now, because they don't trust themselves to believe in - so they try it pin it all on you, because you are the hero that they wish they could be for themselves.  You know you've only been strong because you've had to be and you've got life choices that are not your own making, but rather you have been asked to take control because everyone else around you has lost theirs.  I don't know what saviours are meant to look like, other than the figures I was raised to believe carried the sins of the world and wiped them clean with His blood, so yes, it is true, this saviour doesn't look a thing like me.  Don't let me let you down. . . 

Hey baby I'm not your superhuman 
And if that's what you want, I hate to let you down
I got your hopes up, now I got you hoping
But I'm gonna be the one that let you down

I hope that if you are the superhuman in other people's lives, that you leave your superpowers to the side for a second.  Have a rest.  Go on holiday.  Take some time out from your superhero activities and do something that you want to do for a change.  Read books you've been meaning to read but never prioritised.  Spend time with people that really need you, because you are the sole person who can make the biggest imaginable impact in their life right now - that without you right now, there will not be a future or any semblance of hope without your immediate input.  Trust that people you've been helping will eventually see that you have taught them so much already to know how to deal with things and believe in themselves.  The only thing you should be hoping for is not reverting to your old ways that you've worked so hard to overcome, but keep focused on where you want to be, imagine yourself already there, imagine feeling good about it and you are with and what you will be doing.  I got your hopes up, now I got you hoping. . . 

Friday, 12 May 2017

Caught in the middle. . .

I don't need no help, I can sabotage me by myself. . . 

I can't think of getting old
It only makes me want to die
And I can't think of who I was
'Cause it just makes me want to cry, cry, cry
Can't look back, can't look too far ahead
I got the point, I got the message

It's a funny thing isn't it.  Those points of realisation.  It's almost like the scales fall from your eyes and they adjust and strain to try to gain focus of your surroundings.  You see things for what they really are, who you really are and exactly where you are in that moment.  Whatever you thought you were living from before and what you can't see ahead, seems irrelevant.  The present moment is enough of a revelation for you to understand that seeing the reality of your situation comes with gravity and being grounded in a way that you haven't felt for so long.  When was the last time that you felt so sure of anything?  When was the last time that you felt this confident and so sure of yourself and what you needed to do in this moment?  When you get the point and you get the message, it's almost deafening and you can't believe you never noticed the signs along the way.  Maybe you saw, but you chose to ignore.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
I try to keep going but it's not that simple
I think I'm a little bit caught in the middle
Gotta keep going or they'll call me a quitter
Yeah I'm caught in the middle

Why do you find yourself caught in the middle?
Is it because you're the only that makes sense of things and holds everything together?
What would happen if you were able to extract yourself from the situation?
You have to wonder how you never saw it coming, how you never saw yourself get entangled in the first place.  The more you struggled, the more entangled you became and the more you became involved in the situation, in all of the stories that had to be woven because you didn't realise how intricate the stories had to be to keep you in place, the longer it took you to figure a way out.

I was dreaming life away 
All the while just going blind
Can't see the forest for the trees
Behind the lids of my own eyes
Nostalgia's cool, but it won't help me now
A dream is good, if you don't wear it out

The thing about nostalgia is that it is a safe place to escape to when your reality isn't what you wanted it to be.  It's a safe place to be when you want to escape from expectations, from obligations and from the constant demands that people put in front of you that you are meant to address, acknowledge and resolve.  When you think about what sits behind the lids of your own eyes, are you happy with what you see there?  If you can't see the forest for the trees then it's a sure sign that it's time to retreat and take some time out to be able to make out the detail of those trees, to be able to see each leaf and notice how the wind catches on each one and makes them dance and swirl around when they are pulled from their branches.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
I try to keep going but it's not that simple
I think I'm a little bit caught in the middle
Gotta keep going or they'll call me a quitter
Yeah I'm caught in the middle

What stops you when you want to keep going?
The thing about simplicity is that it's a matter of perception.  Things can be as simple as you want them to be.  Even the most complex situation can have the simplest answer.  It might be the most extreme answer that you find yourself faced with, but it's the fear of the consequences of the actions that we need to take that makes us think that things are harder than they have to be.  What does it mean to be a little bit caught then, as opposed to being massively caught in the middle?  You would think then that it is easier to extricate yourself from the situation.  I find that walking away is in fact, the simplest answer to having to deal with any situation, to avoid any sort of interaction that might result in some kind of drama or yikes, some sort of altercation.

No I don't need no help 
I can sabotage me by myself
Don't need no one else
I can sabotage me by myself
Don't need no one else
I can sabotage me by myself

Self sabotage is probably the worst thing you can do to yourself.
Bad enough if you are a sucker for punishment, keep getting yourself drawn to situations and drama-filled people who thrive on conflict and no resolution in sight, but if you create that unnecessary drama - please step to the side.  Have you ever beaten yourself up for laying yourself vulnerable and open to being hurt or abused by people?  You think that you're being a good friend or you're being supportive, but get caught in the crossfire and then find that you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Then realise that the rock and the hard place are people who want to keep you stuck in their world, because they need you more than you need them.  How do you stop repeating this vicious cycle of self sabotage?  Where you think that you need to be there to save everyone?  Who will save you?

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
I try to keep going but it's not that simple
I think I'm a little bit caught in the middle
Gotta keep going or they'll call me a quitter
Yeah I'm caught in the middle

I hope that you don't find yourself getting a little bit caught in the middle.
Sometimes being caught in the middle can be light and breezy and you laugh at yourself for finding yourself caught, and you patiently try to set yourself free or someone approaches you laughing as silly as you are to find you in such a state.  Or maybe you're caught in the middle and it doesn't feel light and fun at all, but instead it feels sad and full of trauma - nothing that you've caused, but something that you've unwittingly walked into because you fell into a trap they didn't even know they set to ensnare you.  Can you escape in time?  Otherwise you're caught in the middle raging against that rock and a hard place, refusing to allow yourself become a victim to the games that are being played out at your expense, but hey, you knew what you were getting yourself into.  You look up, defeated and look them dead in the eye and openly admit, I'm no quitter but yeah I'm caught in the middle. . . 

Thursday, 11 May 2017

You've changed. . .

Have you really changed for the better?

Stealing hearts was your pastime
I saw girls falling hook line
You stole kisses and threw them aside
Hits and misses you lost sight

You might have come across a few of these in your time.  The kind of guy that all the girls love, the resident Lothario, the Cassanova, the heart-throb, whatever name you want to label him that he probably wouldn't mind having - that's the one he will most likely wear quite proudly as his mantle.  The first verse of the song tells us what he used to be like in the past.  You would've been standing on the sidelines quietly observing this behaviour and didn't know that one day you would at least be able to challenge his assumptions about what love was, how to be with women in ways that honoured them and didn't always take from them so greedily.  This is why he would steal kisses and then throw them aside; because every woman allowed him to do so.  Will you be the one that is different this time?

You've changed oh
For the better yeah
You've changed oh
For the better yeah

You would like to think that he has changed for the better.
What more could you possibly want for him?  His behaviour shows that he has learned the error(s) of his ways and he's realised that those fickle decisions of the past do not serve him well in the present as they affect his future.  Where else do we hear about change in our everyday lives?  The loose change jangling in our pockets or purses that we scramble to find when we try to find said change for the parking meter, the toll booth, the tips on tables or the busker or homeless person in the street?  Is it in the change process, of moving from being one thing to becoming something else?  Maybe it's in the change management, trying to manage that process, infusing some transformation and energy into something that has often been static and rigid in structure, reaching for some kind of infusion that allows for cataclysmic proportions of change to occur, violently shaking people out of their false sense of virtual realities into actual living, breathing physical realities?

Making waves was your hobby yeah
And I asked you to hold me
And I knew it you do it all over the world
All is different now I'm your girl

You might start to wonder whether you want to be his girl anymore.
He could show signs of returning to his old ways and he might not even know it.  Will it be your responsibility to figure out whether he has grown accustomed to the change or slip back and regress?  It is a tough job to monitor something like that, and would you even want that job?  Did you sign up for that even if you are his girl?  Even if it took him so long to figure out that you wanted to be held?  Personal communication processes are hard to figure out these days.  Believe me, it's a life long journey to try and master.  Forget that.  You can't even master it.  All you can do is observer your own participation in that space, and that of the person you are speaking with.  And completely forget that with a larger audience that you can't see the whites of their eyes with.  The less you say, the more assumptions are made.  The more you say, the less sure you become about what is actually being said.  It almost seems as if those words, once said out loud, just hang there and only evaporate unseen with a shake of your head or averted eyes.

You've changed oh
For the better yeah
You've changed oh
For the better yeah
You've changed oh
For the better yeah
You've changed oh
For the better yeah

I hope you've changed.  What does having changed mean?
To make or become different.  To take or use instead of.
If you've changed, have you made yourself different, have you become different?
If you've changed, have you taken something or used something instead of?  Have you taken someone or used someone instead of?  Change via proxy.  Is that even possible?  If someone in your life is changing, don't become their proxy of change; using you as a measure in their calculation of things to come.  I guess the only thing you can hope for is the best for the people you care about.   I hope you've changed for the better. . . 

Monday, 8 May 2017

Almost is never enough. . .

For anyone who has almost had it. . . and it was never enough. . . 

I'd like to say we gave it a try
I'd like to blame it all on life
Maybe we just weren't right
But that's a lie, that's a lie

When things don't work out, how do we know that it has come to an end?
There might be very few opportunities for you to recognise when they are meant to come to an end, when you start to realise that the journey of love has come to a crashing holt, but you try to avoid it at all costs.  I guess it's human nature, because I mean, who wants to get hurt right?  We need to remember to take responsibility for our own actions when we find ourselves losing a grip on reality, lashing out and blaming others.  We need to look in the mirror and examine what we've done, rather than look out the window and shift blame onto everyone else.  We can't control what other people do.  We can only exercise self control.

And we can deny it as much as we want
But in time our feelings will show
'Cause sooner or later 
We'll wonder why we gave up
The truth is everyone knows

What will your feelings show in time?  What will everyone know?
People think they might know stuff, when really they know nothing at all.  They might think they have a handle on who you are and what you're about, but the truth is, they will never really know.  Even if they do know something, it might be the old you that they know; someone from a not too distant past who they want to remember in all of your imperfections and struggles, because there's just no way that you could possibly have got yourself together so quickly since then.  I guess you can be the author of your own life and choose what everyone will know about you.  Do you have that kind of power?  Who cares you might say.  Just do you!

Almost, almost is never enough
So close to being in love
If I would have known that you wanted me
The way I wanted you
Then maybe we wouldn't be in two worlds apart
But right here in each other's arms
Here we almost, we almost knew what love was
But almost is never enough

Isn't this the stuff of romantic comedies though?
Those almost, this close, near miss moments that would have had you with the one you love, but nothing is quite as simple, least of all love.  So what do you do?  Forsake all others and fight to have the love that you think you deserve, the love that you always knew was in arm's reach but always too scared to pursue?  Or do you just back quietly and live out the memories of stolen moments in your head, happy to revel in these in the quiet recesses of your mind, safe from prying eyes and demanding fists that want all of you, even when you least want to give?  Do you know what it's like to be close to being in love?  What stopped you from being in such a state?  When you recognise that being in love isn't enough either.  What do you do then?  

If I could change the world overnight
There'd be no such thing as goodbye
You'll be standing right where you were
And we'd get the chance we deserve oh
Try to deny it as much as you want
But in time our feelings will show

Can you rewind all of the missed opportunities in your mind, play them back like some old scenes in a movie, those pivotal scenes where something magical should have happened but didn't?  Sometimes when we choose to play it safe, we deny ourselves of the things and the people we deserve, for whatever reason that we think is valid and worth grasping tightly in our hands, because it is easier to to do that, than do the unthinkable.  How many times will you do that to yourself?  Denying it out loud is enough to make you believe that yes, you've made the right decision.  This is what you are meant to be doing right now.  Do you deny this because you are afraid of the real feelings eventually showing in time?  Stop suppressing how you feel.  If you do feel a certain way, let it be known.  Only those that choose to hide it for too long, will in time potentially damage what love they have in their hearts.  If we are not careful, we may then never know what love is, and we almost knew knew what love was, but almost is never enough. . . 

Saturday, 6 May 2017

If you tolerate this your children will be next. . .

This track is a song request from +Rochelle Savage 

The future teaches you to be alone
The present to be afraid and cold
"So if I can shoot rabbits, then I can shoot fascists"

At the rate things are going, you have to wonder if there will be any people left in the world to enjoy what little the world will have.  We seek to cling to others because we are afraid to be alone, so we latch onto whoever comes along, but it's not about raising our standards, but more so about learning to be alone so that you know what silence sounds like; so that when you are on your own, you won't slowly drive yourself mad by not being able to overstimulate your senses and have that constant need for noise and sounds that you use to dull the pain of what you're feeling.  Once we develop a taste for something, it soon turns into a craving.  Is it little wonder that gun control will never be an issue in the United States because they have the right to bear arms, even if it means shooting off other people's arms, mostly by accident if you're in the woods, or with intent if you feel that you have been wronged or just need to take it out on the world for how it's been treating you.  

Bullets for your brain today
But we'll forget it all again
Monuments put from pen to paper
Turns me into a gutless wonder

What monuments are in your life that make you see things in such a way?  When we are motivated by greed and that ego, is it any wonder that we become trapped in a spiral that if we let it, will threaten to bring out the self destruction that we have been so clever to avoid thus far?  From pen to paper also makes me think about how not many people are writing physically these days but that they are more inclined to be keyboard warriors hiding behind their computers tap tap tapping away.  Is this what being a gutless wonder is all about now?  

And if you tolerate this then your children will be next
And if you tolerate this then you children will be next
Will be next, will be next, will be next

When we are quick to sign things like executive orders from making decisions that are ill-informed and don't take into account the ramifications of those decisions for future generations?  How much are we prepared to put up with?  Why do we tolerate people hurting other people for economic gain, for power?  When people have to die, in order for pockets to be lined - are we even conscious of what we are really doing?  Do we realise how much we hurt people anymore?  Have we become desensitised that much?

Gravity keeps my head down
Or is it maybe shame
At being so young and being so vain

There is some confusion about when to be independent and focus on what you need to do and then being part of a collective and knowing when to be part of something greater than yourself.  Do we know what is bigger than us anymore?  When we were in our youth, we honestly believed that the world was our oyster and that we were unstoppable.  I'm not saying that we lose that as we age, but we get confronted with the reality behind the facade and the world isn't so much an oyster as it is a piece of shrimp in a salad with no dressing.  Maybe it's a wake up to stop being so vain and just focus on meaningful things that will help to contribute to a better world.  One that means more than the promise of oysters, but at least being able to have oceans that are looked after well enough for oysters to thrive naturally.

Holes in your head today
But I'm a pacifist
I've walked La Ramblas but not with real intent

We might find ourselves saying that we stand for something, but we rarely ever make a real go of proving ourselves in those spaces, to really show anything of what we want to change or make better.  We go to all of the places where people have been, but not ever walked in the footsteps of those who have gone before.  When did we forget to understand the weight of the footsteps and what it meant to truly walk in an understanding that should shine light and illumination into how best to use our strengths and talents?

And if you tolerate this then your children will be next
And if you tolerate this then you children will be next
Will be next, will be next, will be next

I don't have any children.
I find myself increasingly dismissed or excluded from activities with friends who do have children.
That's not a problem for me, because I don't begrudge people being parents and of course, having time spent with other people who also have children, because there will be conversations that they can engage in and compare the growing pains of what it means to be parents and what it means to raise children in this world.  I have had candid conversations with friends who are parents and have most of the time, usually refrained from giving opinions on strategies to use with children from an educator's perspective, if I haven't got children of my own.  That's not to say I didn't try to have children when I had the chance, because I did.  It just wasn't meant to be, you know?  Who knows what the future will bring, but all I know, is that I won't tolerate this any longer for the sake of the children who will be the next generation.  The actions we make today has an impact on who follows us - in our footsteps or not.

"And on the street tonight 
An old man plays with newspaper cuttings of his glory days"

I hope that we are able to move past the danger of living in the past.  When we think about how things were so much easier in our own glory days, that things were easier and simpler because there was less greed, less hunger for power, less potential for danger.  But no.  That's wrong.  There has never been any less bad or negative things that happened then, than we have now.  Everything has its own pressure points and escalation models that we conveniently forget.  We remember things through hazy rose coloured glasses that distort the reality of our vision.  We forget how bad things were back then, because we were just too young and naive to figure it out.  We weren't taught to see then.  We just need to remember to stop, think about what we are really doing, to recognise how we can be so much more than we ever knew we could be, because if you tolerate this then your children will be next. . . 

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

So long. . .

So long to you, to me, to us, to what was, never will be, cannot be, never meant to be. . . 

You've made me into someone
Who should not hold a loaded gun
And now you sit upon my chest
Knock out my wind, knock out my best

When you go to look back on your life and reflect on all of the things that happened to you, like a movie highlights reel or something akin to a "this is your life" of all the crazy things and people that made you feel a certain kind of way, what images and sounds will people expect to see?  There have been a lot of people who have come and gone in my life, as transient as seasons that come and go in those same times of the year.  The thing with seasons though is that you accept that they are only there for a short amount of time, welcome them when they arrive and bid them a fond farewell when their time is up before ushering in the next season with equal amounts of exuberant enthusiasm and and anticipation.  Have there been people who have seemed like they turned you into someone who cannot be trusted with a loaded weapon?  They could have helped to put the weapon in your hands or better yet, they could have taught you how to shoot, teach you how to aim and know how to see other prey should you even want to shoot.  Why do we let ourselves get knocked out in this way?  Let ourselves become winded, have our breath taken away by the shocking things that people say or do - pretend that the unnatural things that people say or do, become so part of the normal fabric that furnishes our lives?

And so long to no disasters and mornings too
And so long to ever-afters, so long to you

What are we saying goodbye?
People that we no longer want to be around or have conveniently drifted away from us anyway?
What would it mean to bid farewell to no disasters and mornings?  Would our lives be better off without disasters to remind us just exactly how good we do have it, and without mornings that make us loathe getting out in the morning, particularly during winter when we just want to stay snuggled up tight in our cosy beds and just stay there until the weather improves and warmer seasons naturally arrive at our doorsteps?

I am soft for only you 
Impale me with your tongue, it's true
And slices of me piled high
The same old me to the naked eye
But I can't find myself tonight

Why do you only ever lay yourself vulnerable to certain people?  What is it about them that you allow to have power over you? What other people would perceive as having power over you, only actually looked that way because you allowed yourself to be vulnerable and feel in the first place?  When we let people impale us with their tongues, it could be the words that they say that stay ringing in our ears, because if they impaled us physically with their tongues, I can't imagine that would be a very enjoyable experience (just saying!).  Why do we let people inflict pain on us with their words.  They could easily inflict pain on you without words, because there's nothing worse as nothing being addressed, nothing being said because you can't possibly talk about things that never happened, it's just too hard and because nothing ever really happened, it barely even existed.  How do you find yourself stacked high enough so people can still see you, even when you're trying to be inconspicuous and hide yourself in a room?  I guess it just depends on whether people are able to see the 'real you'.

And so long to no disasters and mornings too
And so long to ever-afters, so long to you

I hope that you find the peace of mind that you're seeking.  When I write these blog posts, I don't speak to anybody in particular, although it might come across that each blog post 'speaks' to you because you find messages in here that resonate strongly with you (that's the point really, just find something that you can connect with).  If you don't believe in ever-afters and want to say goodbye to those fairytale dramas, then that's great, if that's what you want to do.  I don't know how I feel about fairytale stories in general though; the damsel in distress, the reliance on a male riding in to save you and take you away from the horrible life you live to start a new life with better adventures.  I guess I'd just like to say goodbye to the old me from yesterday and today, because with each new day that arrives, I am not quite the same as I was the day before.  People remember you from the last time you spent time together and hold fast to memories that you created from a shared experience.  But when you are on your own, can you trust yourself to remember experiences as vividly as you would in a group because you are the only one there?  Not saying that the experience didn't happen at all because you are your only witness, but just that maybe that seeing as we are bidding farewell and so long to these ever-afters that it is time to also bid so long to you. . .