Saturday, 1 April 2017

Someone like you. . .

A song with a story after my own heart. . .  about someone like you. . . 

I heard that you're settled down 
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

When you got married, I couldn't come to your wedding.
I was invited, but I couldn't come.  I always found it strange that you wanted me to come to your wedding because I didn't think it was the right thing to do.  But who knows what's right and wrong these days, there's so many blurred lines that you never really know what's what and you never really spend enough time trying to figure things out, or you just think, this is just too hard so I won't spend time trying to figure things out.  You had always talked about being married at a certain age and you suffered heartbreaks of your own.  It is little wonder that you suffered but came out of it, rose from the ashes to understand that yes, you are entitled to real love and could find someone who was willing to give as much love as you were willing to share. . . . someone like you. . .

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back, or hide from the light

In the time leading up to you getting married, things became strained because it seemed like you didn't know how to have conversations with me anymore, yet conversations were probably the easiest things about our friendship.  Technically you were an old friend, older than me and just coming into your own, particularly when you were starting to talk more about what it meant to be a man and what kind of man you wanted to be.  At that time it felt like I needed to listen carefully and support you in whatever major life decisions you were making, even though I was with someone else.  I found it strange that you felt it easy to disclose everything about you, but I soon discovered it was because your circle of friends didn't really know what you were about, never really knew the real "you" that lurked beneath the surface.  Now when we talk there is some shyness there, and I don't know where that stems from.  I suspect it is because of the history that we had, but I was always a precocious young thing with the emotional maturity you were seeking, but didn't expect to find in someone so young.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped I'd see your face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

I'm trying to think about times when I have turned up uninvited to events and you were there.
I'm not sure there were many of those actually.  If I did see your face, it was inevitable you would see mine.  I think over the years, we have been able to develop some kind of happy co-existence that had clear boundaries and nothing personal could ever be shared again.  You still have a book of mine that I wanted to desperately read.  I'm not sure if you still have it, but I don't think that I would ask for it back either.  I sometimes think that when we look at each other, there is a minuscule moment where there is an unspoken connection where we acknowledge there was something there once.  It can never be resurrected and never be talked about again.

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
Don't forget me, I beg
I'll remember you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead"

I emailed you and wished you well for your impending nuptials.
I apologised for not being able to make it and I hoped that you would have a good time and enjoy your new life.  You replied with a lengthy paragraph and even said you wished I was there.
At the time there were expectations from people that I would attend, and then there was genuine surprise from people when they soon realised that I wasn't there.  It's funny isn't it.  You were suffering from a past heartbreak, I was in a relationship that I didn't know was heading anywhere.  At the time, I wasn't sure whether I wanted it to go anywhere in particular, but I'll never forget your reaction when you found out I had finally bit the bullet and ended it.  You said, it's about time, you never really wanted to be with him anyway.  Often you would say that he wasn't right for me anyway, but you never once said that you were right for me, even when your actions said otherwise, and my friends were able to pick up on that.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze 
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

Running around as thick as thieves during that one summer.
It felt strange to be plunged into your world. You opened the door quite wide and you were quite willing to share all of that with me, someone who was different from the normal set of people you frequented with.  Later you would admit that you didn't know why you felt more comfortable talking to me than you would with them.  I would tell you it was because you had developed this persona of being the man about town and that they all expected you to be the persona that you had cultivated.  That facade you had meticulously built; you couldn't afford to let slip, but would only relax when you were with me.  My friends at the time, thought it was strange that you were open with me and I brushed it off thinking that no, it's not like that, there is nothing happening here.  But I realise now, it was some kind of emotional relationship or deeper connection that we never talked about.

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes 
They are memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

I hope that you are as happy as you wanted to be.
I don't regret never telling you how I felt about you.  I don't think it was a mistake not to tell you.
I don't know if you regret never telling me how you felt about me.  I don't know if you thought it was a mistake not to tell me.  Thank you for the memories that you made with me, that you shared with me.  Even when life is bittersweet because of what we were never able to ultimately share, sometimes you don't need to taste it fully to know that it's either bitter or sweet, as it's never really either or, it's a little bit of both.  Thank you for all of those glory days.  They have formed some of the greatest times I have ever had in my life.  What isn't over for me?  Remembering a time when things seemed so full of possibility and opportunity.  I'm happy if you're happy.  Don't worry about me.  I'm living my best life right now.  It's more than I ever thought possible considering the circumstances.  You worry that I won't find someone to care for me and make me the centre of his world.  Never mind, I'll find someone like you . . .