Sunday, 9 April 2017

Close my eyes. . .

What I see when I close my eyes. . . 

I was a wayward child
With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

When you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, including the weight of everyone else's world around you on your shoulders, is it any wonder that your shoulders broaden and adjust to accommodate that sheer weight.  If I combine all of the things that I learned far too soon and early on in my life - things I didn't need to learn about and understand because as an adult I feel that while I wanted to or should have been left a child a little while longer; it was not in the grand design from the architect of my life to shield me from such events.  They were meant to experienced early because there are much more pressing matters that I am carrying with me now; loads from other people that only I can carry, no matter how much I would like to put it down.  We learn to accept what we cannot change, but at the same time appreciate that we are born this way - to help others who cannot help themselves.

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

Have you been a precocious child?
I remember as a young person, always wanting to have conversations with people older than me and wanting to surround myself with these people, to learn from them and be immersed in decision making.  I can recall many times when I have raised my eyes to the moon and traced each line or circle that I saw, trying to keep it burning in my memory so that if I ever found myself in dark places again, I could draw that moon in my mind's eye and remember to shine my moonlight and remember to be present in any situation, even when I wasn't expected to speak, but just be seen.

Funny how one can learn
To grow numb to the madness
And block it away 
I left the worst unsaid
Let it all dissipate
And I try to forget

When something is too difficult to discuss, it is often relegated to the pit of silence, where all things go to die that do not want to be resurrected, seen or heard from again.  We might find ourselves going through some type of mourning period to acknowledge the trauma or madness that we let consume us and pushed us to make crazy decisions that were shortsighted.  Instead let's look at how we can develop these suits of numbness, these uncaring ways that help us to sweep things under the carpet and forget ever existed.  What do we possibly hope to gain with no closure?  I guess it depends on how big the trauma is and what we are prepared to explore (or not).

Nearing the edge 
Oblivious I almost
Fell right over
A part of me
Will never be quite able
To feel stable
That woman-child falling inside 
Was on the verge of fading
Thankfully I
Woke up in time

That woman-child still exists, depending on who I am talking to.
Regardless of where I am, even if physically I am a woman, I can still see things in their innocence as with the eyes of a child, or see them as they need to be seen, accepted in all its ugly reality when required.  That changeling state is something I feel that we should never relinquish.  That even if our outer body shows the advancing years of age, we must continue to be agile in our thinking and with out spirits so that we can recall and remember how it felt to be small once.

Guardian angel I
Sail away on an ocean
With you by my side
Orange clouds roll by
They burn into your image
And you're still alive

Do you have guardian angels?
I feel mine daily.  They are especially talkative during difficult times when I ask myself questions and  stressing out over things that have been placed in my way rather than through any well-meaning intention of a gift.  It is important to remember how things or people come to you.  It makes all the difference in the world to consider how things have been conveyed to you, how people have been introduced to you when you least expect.  There have been new people that I have met that have definitely felt that there has been some divine guidance about their placement in my life.  It is important for us to recognise the signs, to believe and know that what we are trying to do with our gifts and talents on a daily basis, are all connected to something, to someone, to somewhere.

But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up
A little too soon

I hope that even though I've had to grow up a little too soon, that I never forget what it is like to have a young heart that also lives within my mind, a heart that remembers to feel all it encounters, to explore what comes my way and not worry so much.  There is enough worry and pain in the world, without having to add to it with silly bouts of worry or indecision, particularly where it is unwarranted.  I think all I need to remember is that even though when my eyes are open and things may get overwhelming, I should also trust in the direction that my life is going, trust in the process that I am still learning to come to grips with it, embrace it and celebrate it.  No matter what happens as time passes by, it's how I feel inside that counts and how I see myself because I still feel like that child as I look at the moon. . .