Saturday, 1 April 2017

All I ask. . .

When there's really one thing left to ask. . . 

I will leave my heart at the door
I won't say a word
They've all been said before you know
So why don't we just play pretend
Like we're not scared of what's coming next
Or scared of having nothing left

When you've got nothing left in the tank, it is understandable that you might be afraid to face what the inevitable will be.  There's nothing left to do, nothing left to fix, no more excuses.  The thing with words is that when they aren't accompanied by actions that match the words, we fail to see anything come to life, we fail to see anything substantial that can help us to make sense of the life that we find ourselves existing in, doing jobs and chores that do not speak to your soul or even uplift it.  We play pretend because we want to hide from the reality that forces us to see things for how they are - a life full of half hearted approaches to love, a life full of mistakes and errors that we never learned from and failed to acknowledge.  Is it no wonder that we leave our hearts at the door?  Just another opportunity for someone to wipe their feet all over it like some welcome mat that we continue to clean because we think that little of ourselves.

Look don't get me wrong
I know there is no tomorrow 
All I ask

Acceptance is hard to come by and even harder to find as your destination; especially if you are forced to accept something that you never thought would arrive.  What do you do when you realise there is no tomorrow for your relationship?  When the relation-ship has sailed, will you be forced to bid it a fond farewell?  There will be people who will tell you to have some semblance of dignity and not to reveal how your really feel about your relationship's demise, but you know what, don't listen to those people.  They don't know what you've been through and have probably not been through what you're going through - so do you really need to listen to people who have no first-hand experience but who speak from places of judgement?  How easy it is to drop advice when secretly you judge what other people's situations.  Who knows why people do what they do anyway?  Too often people don't think, but feel.  So when your relationship ends, you can be forgiven for being "totally out of character" because you've been guided by your feelings the entire time, that's all you've ever survived on in your relationship.  So what's one more little thing to ask right?

If this is my last night with you
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend
Give me a memory I can use
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do
It matters how this ends
'Cause what if I never love again?

Even friends may treat you better than lovers do.  I mean, friends try to understand you and get to know what your passions are, even when your lover thinks they are fanning the flames of your passion.  What use is the physicality when the true intentions are not in fact true.  Will holding your hand be enough to get you through what you inevitably have to face?  What memories could you possibly use that would do justice to your own intent. align with your own integrity and makes everything meaningful and just, matter?

I don't need your honesty
It's already in your eyes
And I'm sure my eyes, they speak for me
No one knows me like you do
And since you're the only one that matters
Tell me who do I run to?

Those ones.
When a look in someone's eye is enough to tell you that it is well and truly dead.
The vulnerability that you continue to lay bare before that someone who knows everything about you and is willing to throw that all way, to throw away all of the moments that you shared together, for whatever reason, it is no wonder that breakups are hard to process and survive.  When you're on social media, you can't help but be friends with people who either wear their hearts on their sleeves, or put on jackets and coats to hide the hearts on their sleeves and only reveal them to people who are worth trusting.  I think there might not be many people who would know you really as you are.  They might know pieces of you and even if they did know you really well, they might only about 90% if you're that willing to be that transparent.  What do you do with that 10%?  It might be a healthier option for you to think about how you choose to invest yourself in future relationships then, as people equate physical nakedness with the bearing of the soul, while others can be so physically open yet still reveal nothing.  That has always fascinated me, as I continue to observe human behaviour.

Look don't get me wrong 
I know there is no tomorrow
All I ask

Why would people get you wrong anyway?
Are they not really listening to what you say?
Maybe they're not listening because they're just waiting for an opportunity for you to draw breath so they can jump in and give their opinion.  Other reasons for people getting you wrong is because they always want to be right.  So rather than sharing when you can right sometimes too, they want to monopolise being right every. single. time.  Can you stand to be around people like that?  It's a wonder we even stay in relationships at all then.  Maybe you're just willing to forgo it all, overlook every single thing that annoys you about the other person, because there are other bigger things at stake, you owe them something that you can never take back, so you willingly sacrifice your happiness.  Maybe things aren't as hard or as difficult as you make them out to be.  Maybe life is simpler than you think, but it takes a lot of bravery and courage to make decisions that put your happiness first, and only your happiness first.

Let this be our lesson in love
Let this be the way we remember us
I don't wanna be cruel or vicious
And I ain't asking for forgiveness
All I ask is

I hope that when we are ready to be happy in whatever we find ourselves participating in - relationships that defy conventional explanations, rationalisations or justifications, that we find some real peace that doesn't rely on somebody else validating your contributions to the world.  I sometimes think, it doesn't really matter if I never love again, in a romantic sense, because I've already had it once before and that seems enough to last me a lifetime.  I'm not saying that being out of the game and not being ready to commit to someone else is a problem, because it isn't.  I'm just saying that if it's a challenging situation to commit to anybody because you're not ready to, then don't.  There should be no pressure for you to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing.  If you sense or feel that things are not right, walk away or walk out.  Take it from someone who has lost love and is a bit apprehensive about stumbling across it again, even if it's by accident.  What can I do to get over it?  Only time will tell I guess.  I guess that's all someone really needs right?  Just time.  That's all I ask. . .