Wednesday, 4 January 2017

You have been loved. . .

A conversation I should have had, but never did. . . 

She takes the back road and the lane
Past the school that has not changed
In all this time
She thinks of when the boy was young
All the battles she had won
Just to give him life

It's funny.  You live near a back road which is almost like a lane.  You live near the school that your son, my late husband attended.  He told me stories about when he was young and a student there at the local high school before he moved to another school to complete his senior year.  You told me stories about how hard life was for him growing up.  The battles that you fought for him as his mother and despite what people said about him being such a big boy at a young age, you always put that down to just him having a big appetite and you thought he looked so cute.  I saw pictures of him as a child in his class photos.  He was always the easiest to spot in the each photo.  I couldn't help but wonder that if you had been stricter on his eating habits when he was younger, he could've avoided all of the health problems he inherited as an adult.  Was life without him something you envisioned?

That man
She loved that man
For all his life
But now we meet to take him flowers
And only God knows why

He told me lots of stories about you.  The good times with you and also the bad times.  Even if you disagreed on many issues, which you did, he never stopped loving you.  As his mother, you would have been the first woman he loved in his life, before he met me.  He told me about schoolyard crushes that he had, and even some workplace ones too.  I smile when I think about how he described how he felt about those girls, about those women.  Even his best friend growing up questioned him when he made it clear that he intended to ask me to marry him.  I was his first and only girlfriend.  His best friend wasn't sure that it was a wise decision to ask me to marry him, as he lacked experience with women.  We take turns giving him flowers now.  I do thank you for loving him the best way you knew how.  That's just how you loved.

For what's the use in pressing arms
When children fade in mother's arms
It's a cruel world
With so much to lose
And what we have to learn
We rarely choose

Pressing arms.  What does that even mean?  Are they the empty hugs that we gave each other when we lost him?  When his sheer physical presence began to fade, how was that even possible?  His presence was such that he filled the room, not with the enormity of his size but with his spirit and smile that was genuinely warm where others were cold.  Now you prepare for another son's unveiling on Saturday and we understand that the world can be cruel to us.  How does it feel to have lost two sons?  We would never choose tragedy.  I wouldn't wish that on people that don't like me either.  

So if it's God who took her son
He cannot be the one living in her mind

It is always really easy to blame God for the grief that we experience in our lifetimes.  I guess that's what Satan wants us to think though right?  If I had a dollar for every time I've seen comments online about God letting bad things happen to good people, I would be a millionaire.  Bad things happen to good people because we don't get to choose what happens to us.  Death isn't selective and despite what people try to rationalise and justify, we can only be prepared for what goes on living in our minds when the ones we love the most are no longer living.  What can we choose to keep alive?  What memories do you have enshrined in your mind?

Take care my love she said 
Don't think that God is dead
Take care my love she said 
You have been loved

I imagine you have conversations with your son when you visit.  We have since grown distant since years have past, since my duties as a wife were abruptly called to a halt.  I don't think that your son ever stopped believing in God. He never thought that God was dead, and I know I certainly don't.  He's probably jamming with him right now and probably in awe of all the musicians who have left this earthly plane in the past year. 

If I was weak forgive me
But I was terrified
You brushed my eyes with angel wings, full of love
The kind that makes devils cry

I know you probably thought I didn't do enough as a wife, and you're entitled to your opinion.  
I made decisions that at the time I thought was best for my marriage.  You never really asked how things were going.  That was understandable.  You had to look out for the interests of your son and I totally get that.  I tried to be the dutiful daughter in law who was docile and did everything that she was asked, and I knew not to be critical of anything that I saw that hurt my husband.  It wasn't my place to say, and to avoid arguments and bickering - it's what you do right?  You play your role in the big production so that everyone knows what kind of character you are meant to play, even when inside you want to deviate from the expectations and limitations from a script that doesn't take into account your ability to think on your feet.  No improvisation wanted here.  Who do I ask for forgiveness?  I just need to forgive myself for any weaknesses I seem to have displayed.

So these days
My life has changed
And I'll be fine
But she just sits and counts the hours
Searching for her crime

Since he's been gone, life is definitely different.  
My life moves on without him and I don't know what fine is anymore.  It's just life without him.
What do you sit and count down the hours for?  I don't know what crimes you may have committed.  You might have said and done things that have deeply offended others.  I'm not sure whether they have been to Machiavellian efforts but they might be close enough.  

For what's the use in pressing palms
If you won't keep such love from harm
It's a cruel world
You've so much to prove
And heaven help the ones who wait for you

What can we shake hands on now?  
On the off chance that we meet, you barely acknowledge me.  I don't mind.  My duties have been done.  I'm no longer required to legally perform any duties in your life and I must say that this is allowed me to pursue goals in life that do not revolve around your needs.  Do you have anything left to prove in this world?  I don't know if there will be others waiting to help you.  It probably explains why you tried to cling to me so tightly when you had your chance because you know eventually you will be alone.  It's not a nice feeling.  I don't wish that on you.  But I see what you do to your children.

Well I've no daughters, I've no sons
Guess I'm the only one
Living in my life

Even though we had planned to have children, we didn't have any.
The plan to have children was cut short by circumstances beyond my control, and the finality of this confirmed when he passed away.  I couldn't imagine and didn't want to entertain the idea of raising children without him.  It was almost like a blessing in disguise that I didn't have any children, seeing as he would not be here to watch them grow up.  As strong as I am, I didn't want to be a father as well as a mother.  I commend women who do that daily with children that I once taught as a teacher - but I couldn't imagine doing that myself.  The only bonus of being a teacher was the final bell going at the end of the day, signalling for children to go home at the end of each school day.

Take care my love he said
Don't think that God is dead
Take care my love he said
You have been loved

I don't know what my hope is for you.
I know that your son had many hopes for me and wanted me to fulfil them, even in his absence.
I know that God is alive because He keeps me strong in the face of being on my own.  He sends people to me to watch me on my pathway to fulfilling all of our dreams and goals, taking me on adventures that I had never foreseen for myself, because I had not planned on a life without him.  I am grateful and thankful to your son for choosing me to be his wife.  He always wanted me to take care and thought of me often when I traveled for work across the country.  It is because he was my husband that I finally agree with at least one thing you said to me when he left this world about his feelings for me, what you knew about your son's feelings for me - you have been loved. . .