Tuesday, 31 January 2017

Dreaming In Metaphors. . .

For the dreamers with loaded dreams. . . 

Love serenade
Soothe me with the morning sun
Help me find someone
Peaceful and non judgemental
Holdin' me back
And make me feel whole with life
And stay the same
Without the pain

We now live in a world that craves connections with others more than ever.  With the advent of technology, we rely so much on it that we forget our own humanity, when we should be using it to advance humanity, remember what it is like to feel with our hearts and minds, do things that are good for our souls, and never lose sight of the greater good that we must continue to strive to achieve; not only for ourselves by everybody we see in the street.  What are you doing to feel whole with life?  What things do you do that are fulfilling and help you to stay centred and focused on the good that you can contribute to the world?  If you are doing things that harm others and detract from their quality of life, whilst still enjoying the creature comforts of your own home, why?  Why do you choose to inflict pain on people that have done nothing to you?  How can we live our lives without pain?  It's impossible isn't it?  I guess it comes down to how we can manage the pain.

Why must we dream in metaphors 
Try to hold onto something we couldn't understand
Couldn't understand
And why must we argue loudly
When peace is our one salvation
I couldn't understand
Couldn't understand
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

When we dream in metaphors, it may be because there are things that we need to decipher that may be lost in the directness.  I know that sounds contradictory, but sometimes when things are veiled, they have multiple meanings that help us to consider things from different angles, and truly understand how we can progress through any pain we are being subjected to, through this things we call life.  I mean, if we were to look at life like it was a factory, consider the many phases or stations that we pass through from when we are created to when we become a product.  Are you a standard issue product?  Do you pass all of the security or safety tests that ensure you are able to released out into the wider world?  Are you a more refined version of a product line that is meant to be an improvement from its previous product?  When peace is our one salvation, what are we actually doing to make this happen?  

Someone lost their faith in seeking God

so they turn to the needle, back to the cradle
They were rocking it all along
Tell me what's going on in your life
Has it stayed the same?

When did you lose faith in seeking God?  Did we forget to search for the higher purpose that is meant to be the overarching umbrella of our lives?  What needles have you turned to?  Do these needles help to administer the drugs that help to take away your pain or maybe they are the cause of your pain?  What drugs have you been taking to numb the pain?  What cradle have you gone back to?  Have you returned to the places in your childhood that help you to make sense of why you are where you are right now?  Do those places give you comfort through the trauma that you are still trying to recover from?  Why do we continue to hurt ourselves or revert to old patterns of self harm, because we seem to be suckers for punishment, accepting all of the pain that others are more than happy to inflict on us.  What's going on in your life?  Try to understand where you are in your current state.  Take a step back and watch it play over like a home movie.

Well why do we dream in metaphors?

Try to hold onto something we couldn't understand
Couldn't understand
Why must we argue loudly 
When peace is our one salvation
I couldn't understand
Couldn't understand

I hope you can recall the dreams you have had that contained rich metaphors and colours that helped you through some difficult times.  Sometimes our subconscious can take us to some very happy, sunny, vibrant contexts, just as much as it can take us down some very dark, gloomy and hurtful contexts that can permeate into our waking lives when we are revived from our slumber.  Why do we argue loudly with people in our waking hours?  Is it because our ego goads us into believing that we must be right all the time, rather than really listening to each other and trying to understand where the other person is coming from.  We must never forget to question why things are the way that they are.  When we have exhausted all avenues of explanation, it is only then that we are able to continue with dreaming in metaphors, to accept them and not expect anything.  Even if you asked me what I thought about your situation and how you're living it based on the choices that you are making, what it would mean for me, I couldn't understand, just couldn't understand. . . 

Saturday, 28 January 2017

If I could. . .

When people aren't equipped to know where you're coming from. . . 

There's no reason for you to lose your mind
Cause I've seen something
That's gonna change our time
If I could, I'd make you understand
If I could, I'd make you understand

You might find yourself surrounded by people who are slowly losing their minds or are going through some difficult times and need your help.  What can we do to support others and make them understand what you see.  We can try and help develop some lenses for them to see through, particularly if they lack the vision to see what you see.  I often think that if people can't see what you see, it's because they are either not meant to see what you see, or you need to keep trying to explain to them how to see what you see.  What could you do, if you wanted to make them understand?

There's no hurry
It's gonna come for sure
Cause I know that someday
We're gonna end our war
If I could, I'd make you understand
If I could, I'd make you understand

What war needs to end?  Maybe it's our own internal battles that we wage within ourselves.  There must be some unspoken process, some unwritten code that people follow, that reveals only to themselves how dejected they are when they go home at the end of the day.  Where they speak to themselves in their minds, in the deep quiet where nobody can hear their thoughts.  It is in that stillness that people fear hearing themselves in their authentic state.  For too long you would've covered yourself, not shown who you really are in front of others, because you want to go with the flow and blend in with the rest of the crowd.  What is it that you could possibly understand for yourself?  Think about what you can do for a change.

Yes I'd stand and if I
If I could I would now
Oh my baby, my baby

What stops us from doing everything that we possibly could?  We might find ourselves sick of being disappointed by those who we have come to rely on.  We can't expect to have people reciprocate what we can do for them, especially if they are unaware of your expectations.  Is this the reason why you would stand if you could?  Think about all of the scenarios where you could have stood, but you didn't.  It may get tiring being the only one standing all the time.  Why don't more people take a stand?  Why do they sit down all the time when they should be standing?  Maybe if we take a look at what we need to stand for, this might lead us to make better decisions about what is worth standing for, who we want to stand alongside and how long or how often we stand, if we could.

And if I could I'd make you understand
If I could, I'd make you understand
There's no reason for you to lose your mind
Cause I've seen something that's gonna change our time

I hope you understand what you need to do in order to stand.
There might be a time when others will withdraw from being in contact with you because they need some space to take a stand for themselves, rather than constantly taking a stand for you.  So don't worry.  There is no reason for you to lose your mind, because your mind belongs to you.  There will be something that will change our time, but it will be up to you to focus on what your contribution will be in order to prepare for this change.  Sometimes we need to remind people that we will be available to them on an 'as and when needed' basis.  Sometimes you just need time to recuperate, recharge your batteries and think about how you want to strengthen your own stance.  If I could I would now. . . 

Thursday, 26 January 2017

River rise. . .

Recognising that in the stillness, you know what needs to be done. . . 

There was always 
A power I could feel
It was guidance to tell me the way to go
But nowadays I feel like can't hear that voice
I've been flying blind
I need you to come and be my eyes (be my eyes)

Do you think you listen enough to yourself?  Depending on how well you know yourself and what lessons you have learned along the way in your life experiences, how you reacted to all those situations you found yourself in, and what the outcomes were - it says a lot about whether you are able to trust yourself, and trust the guidance that seems to pull you in certain directions.  Do you listen more to the advice of others for reassurance and affirmation of what you should be doing?  To a lesser extent it is a good thing to listen to advice, especially when you seek it, but when you rely too much on others to figure out a pathway ahead, you must seriously look at yourself, take a long hard look in the mirror and see why you've been flying blind all the time.  Why have you lost that inner voice that is uniquely yours?

River Rise
Carry me back home
(I cannot remember the way)
River Rise
Carry me back home
(I surrender today)

I don't know when you will need to have the riser rise and lower itself, as it bends you, bends itself in reaction to the flow of what is happening around you, happening within you.  How do you make it all happen?  Do you let it happen to you?  When we lose our way, forget how we ended up somewhere because we didn't stay focused or chose to make bad decisions because we didn't think things through properly, just hoped for the best and didn't want to deal with consequences at the time, then it's not about we deserve what comes to us, but we may unwittingly attract a situation to us because of the things we have said, the actions we took and the ideas we thought.

I was always
A charmed flower child
I would sit for hours
And listen to the sky

There is something about being out in nature, in a natural environment and listening to what is happening around you.  In our busy lives that can get really hectic sometimes, we lose sight of what is really important, looking at what we need to do in order to be at peace with the chaos we live, the chaos we inherit, the chaos we create and the chaos we are tasked with trying to calm.  When you start to feel like you are losing yourself and don't know exactly how to regain focus, seek higher counsel.  It doesn't matter to me where you seek that, either trust in your decisions, or don't.  Look up once in a while and see where the clouds move, watch how fast or slow they move.  When we only look to check when we move, we never get to see or appreciate what is above us when we should, more often, rather than when we need.

But nowadays I feel like I don't have that choice
I've been looking down in desperation
I need you to be my inspiration yeah
(My inspiration)

I think the reason why we search for a higher being to place our hopes and dreams in, is because when we place those in the hands of people, we become in danger of being disappointed often and frequently, more often and frequently than we would like.  Those moments of humility are lessons in realisation about yourself, why you crave human attention that never really gives you the eternal joy or peace that you're looking for.  It isn't really salvation per se, maybe it is, depending on who you talk to, but when we look down in desperation, we tend to look at our hands, and place our faces there and hold it in our hands, to support the sheer weight of what rolls around in our heads.  We use our hands to support the tears that slip through the cracks of our fingers when we are past caring about anybody seeing the pain escape our eyes.  Have you done that before?  Cried as you walked the streets and didn't care about who saw you.  When you are at your lowest point, even pride leaves you.  Once at rock bottom, the only way is up.  So look up and see the inspiration you need to pick yourself up.

I bow down
And I humble myself
I can't do this 
Lord I need your help
All the material things
They feel like chains
If you're not here beside me
You're the reason I see

I surrender

At the clearest moments in your life, you will know that you have come close to divinity.
When you can feel something so strong in your bones that you know it's so real, even if you can't see it, that's you coming closer to divinity.  It's like fish scales falling from your eyes, you can finally see and appreciate the beauty of all that is around you because you are seeing things as they are meant to be, in all of its perfection.  Almost like a taste of heaven and you might crave that.  When your mind has come into its own and understands why humility is important, that understands why serving others and doing good for people other than yourself, that's the greatest wealth for all, the greatest health for you.  Surrender.

Help me to remember
Only you can show me
(Only you can show me the way)
I surrender 
(I surrender today)
You are the only way
Lord, I need you

It has taken a long time to write this blog post.
This song has been bouncing around in my head for a while and I had to wait until all of the distractions and emotions that were milling around started to settle and brought me some peace.
I hope that you will let your river rise when it needs to the most.  I hope that when you let your river rise, it carries you to places where you need to heal and be at peace with yourself.  Everybody has a past, has made decisions that made them targets, to be easily judged by others.  It is really hard to be less judgemental, to not be judgemental at all.  But there is a difference between being asked to judge something when you are asked for a professional or personal opinion, so we need to get into the habit of not just choosing the words carefully, but explaining the intent that sits behind meaning something that you say and that if it isn't worth saying I wouldn't have said it.  Live and learn right?  See for yourself how you let your own river rise. . . 

Thursday, 19 January 2017

I just fall in love again. . .

When you can't help yourself and just fall in love again. . . 

Dreamin', I musts be dreamin'
Or am I really lying here with you
Baby, you take me in your arms
And though I'm wide awake, I know my dream is comin' true

If you have fallen in love, then you'll know what it means to know how it makes you feel.
There is a whole mix of emotions that probably can't be articulated or explained to do it justice.  For me, a song has always been the perfect way to encapsulate how love makes you feel.  There is something about this song in particular, in its own gentle way that helps us see how love can make us question if it is really happening and make us wonder if it is real, that you can't believe that you are this happy, even with your love lying next to you.  Those pinch-me moments are sweet and tender and should never be rushed, because you never know when they will happen again, so enjoy them.

And oh I just fall in love again
Just one touch and then it happens every time
There I go by, just fall in love again and when I do
I can't help myself, I fall in love with you

One touch.
It may not seem so significant, but the effect of one touch can make a huge difference to how you feel.  There are physiological effects that happen right?  Like your palms sweating maybe, sweat appearing on your upper lip, the hairs on the back of your neck standing on end, you have trouble breathing, heart beating a mile a minute and then it becomes lodged in your mouth, but then your foot is in your mouth too because you go to say something but nothing comes out.  These are the things that might happen to you when it dawns on you that you have fallen in love again.  How do you get yourself back up after being knocked about like that?  When you've fallen in love again?

Magic, it must be magic
The way I hold you when the night just seems to fly
Easy for you to take me to another star
Heaven is that moment when I look into your eyes

There's no other way to explain it then.  It must be magic.
When you fall in love again, there is nobody else around, just a singular focus on the one you love and how the sun, moon and stars revolves around them.  You might think that if you've fallen in love, that you've had one big love in your life, that you've reached your quota.  I don't think it's true.  I used to think that was true, but I think it's totally up to you to accept whether that is true.  I mean, hypothetically, why should there be a cap on love?  Is there some universal law that says, sorry folks, if you've already experienced love once before, that's it.  Good night and goodbye.  What if love doesn't work out and you fall out of love?  Is that when you have the chance to fall in love again?

And oh I just fall in love again

Just one touch and then it happens every time
There I go by, just fall in love again and when I do
I can't help myself, I fall in love with you

I hope that you fall in love again, and as often as possible.
I'm not talking here about the ability to stay faithful or monogamous in a relationship.  No, I'm not speaking about it in a black or white sense.  What I'm saying is that you must at least experience what it means to be in love in a way that means you just can't help being in love.  I think we overthink love so much that we barely recognise that we have fallen in love before it's too late.  I know it sounds cliche to say that you can't help who you fall in love with, and that love is illogical and makes you do silly things and there is no logical explanation for why people will do anything and everything possible to stay in love once they have fallen in love.  It's like a combination of our actions and our reactions.  Our reactions and inactions.  Our inactions and our conceptions.  So where does this lead us all anyway?  I don't know about you, but I just think we need to be open to love, in all of its glory.  Who knows where it will lead us if we take a chance on it.  Who knows?  Maybe I won't be able to resist.  Maybe I won't know what's in store,  Maybe when I least expect it, I can't help myself, I fall in love with you. . . 

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Persuasion. . .

How easily tempted are you?  Are you open to persuasion? . . . 

You and I
Tempted by the promise of a different life
Time has fled
There's a constant battle running through my head

Do you ever think about living a parallel life?
There might be times when you kick ideas in your head, where you might be tormented by really tough decisions that you need to make, because there are so many people that could be affected by your actions.  Every action has a reaction.  So what battle constantly rages within you?  Who is tempting you with this promise of a different life?  How much of it is real or imagined?

I don't know what to do
'Cause I still believe
After all the foolish things that we've been through
And I will always be a man who's open to 

It may be natural not to know what to do, and this is totally ok.
We are never really meant to know what we are meant to do.  Faith is a strength.  Do you have it?  We may say we believe enough of something in order to help us get through what we need to get through.  How many more times do we need to do foolish things to know not to do them anymore?  What lessons must we learn that force us, compel us to keep doing foolish things?  What do you believe in?  

Blind romance
There'll be no half measures given half the chance
But we never learn 
Trusting in the fire while the cruel flame burns
And we need to rebuild
What was never there
What got left behind

Do you think about living life in half measures?  How you will live life with the chances that you have?  The only reason why we never learn from our mistakes is because we're either not willing to acknowledge the lesson that is to be learned because we think we can fool ourselves into believing that we don't need to learn anything or we aren't ready to let go of what we love the most in order to get to where we need to be.  We are scared to believe that maybe things were never there and we are scared that our feelings will get left behind.

After all the foolish things that we've been through
I can always make a start on something new
And I will always be a man who's open to 

What is the 'something new' that you are going to make a start on?
Starting something new means that you are ready to move on and do things out of your comfort zone, that you are ready to confront and be confronted by things and people that force you to challenge your beliefs and clarify why you need to do, what you need to do.  If you can be persuaded to do something, think about whether it's in the best interests of all involved, whether it will advance a situation or hinder it.  Will bad decisions lead to more foolish things happening instead?

And it's written in my heart
So that everybody could see it hey
And it's written in my soul
After all I still believe it hey
I still believe it come on come in
I still believe it yeah
I still believe

Are people able to see what's in your heart?  What's written in your soul?  We might not need to let anybody know what's in our heart and soul, unless we are willing to share it with them, that they are able to handle how delicate your heart is when it is broken, how fragile your soul is when it is open to people messing with your spirit.  We must protect ourselves at all costs and not open ourselves to situations and occasions that put our hearts and souls into jeopardy.  What are you prepared to do to protect yourself?  We may find that the best people to protect us, is ourselves.  But what do you do when you can't be trusted with yourself?

I don't know what to do
'Cause I still believe
After all the foolish things that you've put me through
I can always make a start on something new
And I will always be a man who's open to 

I hope that you are able to maintain your faith in yourself.
When you are surrounded by people that will try to compromise you, have the sense to know what the bigger picture is for your life and know that it is time to leave foolish things behind, it is time to stop playing foolish games.  Make a start on something new.  No more thinking about the past and start planning for the future that you have always wanted.  But of course, you can't do that without taking the steps now to rebuild, to invest the time and energy now to make your dream life a reality.  Yes, it is easier said than done, but life was never meant to be easy.  It was meant to be lived.  So, do you think you see where I'm coming from now?  Do you still believe?  Are you open to a little persuasion. . . 

Monday, 16 January 2017

Girl can't be herself. . .

When you just want to be yourself. . . a girl who knows who she is. . . 

When a girl can't be herself no more
I just wanna cry, I just wanna cry for the world
When a girl can't be herself no more
I just wanna cry, I just wanna cry for the world

Society always judges women harshly.  If you're a woman of colour, then even more so.  I've just watched Hidden Figures and I was deeply inspired by the stories of Katherine G. Johnson, Mary Jackson, Dorothy Vaughan.  There is something deeply motivating about knowing that you have the goods to be able to do things that people think you can't.  When you have the resourcefulness to be able to achieve and succeed at anything you set your mind to - that is more than empowerment, that's self enlightenment.  When you are judged by your gender, that people assume that as a woman you are not capable of doing what are seemingly more difficult or intellectual tasks because we're over-emotional beings.  Not at all.  Whatever type of woman you want to be, just be that woman.

In the morning from the minute that I wake up
What if I don't want to put on all that makeup
Who says I must conceal what I'm made of?
Maybe all this Maybelline is covering my self-esteem
Whose job is it to straighten out my curves?
I'm so tired of that image, that's my word
What if today I don't feel like putting heels on?
Who are you to criticize when beauty's only in the eyes
Of the beholder, so behold her
Sing, sing, sing, why, oh, oh, oh, why, oh?

What is the purpose of makeup?  To hide flaws that society says you need to hide because beauty standards have been dictated to women through publications that tell us what to wear, look like and smell like and do.  What does it mean to be a woman these days?  What does it mean to be feminine?  Everything that a man is not supposed to be,  But we all know, people who are actively engaged in the world and its reality - there is no such thing as dichotomy anymore, no such thing as black and white anymore; in fact, we are in a constant state of change, constant state of grey that every individual woman gets to call the shots on, about her own life, her own labels and her own beauty.

When a girl can't be herself no more
I just wanna cry, I just wanna cry for the world
When a girl can't be herself no more
I just wanna cry, I just wanna cry for the world

What do I want to cry about these days?
I think if you don't have enough sleep you would be prone to cry more easily because you haven't had enough rest, and everybody knows that in order to recharge your batteries, you must have optimum rest (I probably get minimal rest, adequate at best, but don't worry I'm working on that).  Do you think the world appreciates when you cry?  I guess it even depends on what you contribute to the wider world as well, and that if you are crying because there is some significant pain that you're going through then I'm sure that the world will have empathy for your struggles too.  I know that everyone has problems. but I've realised as an adult, that there's no competition for who has the worst problems.  Of course Maslow's hierarchy of needs are a good way to see the difference quite starkly between first and third world problems, but to me, I'm starting to understand that it's all about scale.  What may seem dire to one individual may seem quite trivial to another.  When our lives are threatened and quality of life compromised because of the chaos of war takes away structure and order in one's life, we are talking about a completely different type of reality now.  Nothing is where it is meant to be and people trapped in warzones are forced to conform to a new horrible realiy, whether they want to or not.  We do this in order to survive.

Uh, uh, I'm so secure with my insecurities
Why is being unique such an impurity
Why are the numbers on the scale like a God to me?
All of these indifferences are based on our appearances
We please to be appeased
The truest pleasure is the fact that we can breathe
Think it into existence, do it, then achieve
A fairy tale reality, beauty was with a beast
Ah, ah, ah, I'm the image of your reflection
Uh, uh, uh, you're the image of my reflection
Sing, sing, sing, why, oh, oh, oh, why, oh?

As a child I silently observed what it meant to conform and what it meant to be part of something, even if you didn't want to.  If we don't look like the majority of those around us, then we are singled out for our difference.  If we don't look like the majority we find ways to make ourselves conform in other ways, especially when our physical characteristics like skin colour or physiology make it hard for us to fit in.  We are the same in our differences and I don't think we should stop celebrating that.  We don't single out differences so that we compare who is better. No. We should ask questions to understand why things are the way they are, and if we can improve everybody's quality of life and just turn on the love switch every now and then to make everyone feel valued and celebrated - what's wrong with that?  I would like to think that you would be able to go through life making people feel comfortable and be easygoing.  I have been in many situations where I have been made to feel small or to be intimidated because of being Polynesian.  I know that I can draw strength from my cultural roots and never have to apologise for being where I'm from and what I know - because I don't.  We are all the images of our reflections - so what image of yourself do you want to be reflected in the world?

When a girl can't be herself no more
I just wanna cry, I just wanna cry for the world
When a girl can't be herself no more
I just wanna cry, I just wanna cry for the world

To all the women reading this blog post, I hope that you stand firm in your worlds.
We should never have to apologise for being who we are, the divine goddesses that we are.
There is a reason why children gravitate naturally to their mothers when they seek out love and want to be cared; women give life and nurture children.  When a woman becomes a mother, they make decisions that are solely centred on their children, to rear them cloaked in values and beliefs and most importantly love, that they are in turn able to pass on to their own children when it is time.

To all the women out there like me who have lost husbands, I hope that you stand firm in your worlds.  If you are keen to meet someone new, don't stop your happiness that is building within you, spill out.  I have spoken to other widows and you really need to give yourself permission to live life.  I'm sure your partner would not have wanted you to stop living because they have.  The greatest gift my husband gave me was unconditional love but also this huge sense of belief in me that made me feel like I could conquer anything.  I miss having my biggest cheerleader around.  The first person I would share anything and all good news, bad news, any news.

To all the women out there reading this blog post, when you can't be yourself no more, surround yourself with other women and cry for the world.  I try to do that as often as possible and the best times have always been spent with all my sisters from different misters.  And if you don't have anything to say or do, it's just ok to be together, to be there for each other, just to cry.  Sometimes all I wanna do is cry for the world. . . 

Thursday, 12 January 2017

I am Moana. . .

When you know who you are. . . 

I know a girl from an island
She stands apart from the crowd
She loves the sea and her people
She makes her whole family proud
Sometimes the world seems against you
The journey may leave a scar
But scars can heal and reveal just
Where you are

One thing I have struggled with growing up in Aotearoa New Zealand has been when to celebrate who I am.  Living in a Samoan home, with staunch Samoan parents who instilled a love of culture, understanding of protocols and ways of being and knowing, I can't say that I regret what they have taught me, because it has helped to provide a foundation that nobody can ever take away from me, no matter how many times people have tried to 'whitewash' me.  When you are relied upon by your family to bring honour and prestige to the family name, you might think that it is too much pressure, and you know what, you would be right.  But it's also a birthright.  I believe that when you are born the ethnicity that you are, you become almost like an ambassador that carries the hopes and dreams of your family, your people as far as possible, to the ends of the earth if need be.  There have been times when the world has been unkind, but I haven't let that deter me from reaching my goals.  People have been hell bent on me seeing my culture as a barrier to success whereas I see it as a carrier to success.  People have tried to push me to see my culture as a hindrance rather than as the source of my endurance to achieve success.

The people you love will change you
The things you have learned will guide you
And nothing on earth can silence
The quiet voice still inside you
And when that voice starts to whisper
Moana you've come so far
Moana listen 
Do you know who you are?

There has never been a greater time than now in our history to be more present in our current reality.  Even though we may be constrained and restrained by duty and obligation to time and space that seems to define how we live our lives, I don't think it should totally rule our hearts and mind and stop us from believing in the little voice that is still inside us.  Whether that still voice is there, waiting to be heard or whether that little voice is still in there, lying dormant because we don't know that we have the power to activate our own eruption.  If we've come so far in what we want to achieve and know where we want to go - what's stopping us?  If you have something to say, speak up.  If there people that need to listen and refuse to, find ways to make them listen in a language they understand.  Pacific people have always been adaptable and resourceful and contrary to what has been written about them in negative terms for so long in literature in so many disciplines as being primitive and clueless, according to Western conventions, there is so much more to us than meets the eye.

Who am I?
I am a girl who loves my island
I'm the girl who loves the sea
It calls me
I am the daughter of the village chief
We are descended from voyagers
Who found their way across the world
They call me

When you are like me and born in your adopted country because your parents migrated there for a better life for you and your family, you understand what sacrifice means.  My parents left behind wealth and health in their homelands to pursue the dream of what they considered back then a better life.  My father is a village chief and I am his daughter.  I am now a chief myself.  It has been a year since I was bestowed the same title as my father in our village in Samoa.  My friends ask me what has changed for me.  It's something that is hard to explain because unless you become a chief yourself, only then do you understand that now every move you make must be made with the knowledge that you are seen as a leader in your community, that your moves, actions and most importantly words carry weight and knowledge that must not honour your family and village, but also inform those who wish to learn about you and where you come from, that you are embodying the spirits of your ancestors.  This is what it means to be descended from voyagers.  From people who leave their homelands in search of new lands to prosper, to enact those dreams that lead them to leave in the first place.

I've delivered us to where we are
I have journeyed farther
I am everything I've learned and more
Still it calls me

I am now at an age where my parents teach me things that will be of use to my family, our extended family, and for my own life far beyond when their time will pass.  Although it saddens me when I think of this prospect, the sadness passes when I am fully prepared and alert to the notion that I have a responsibility to continue their work, contribute to their legacy when it comes to my time to pass on knowledge and values in this way.  I have a calling in me that is hard to ignore and it isn't something that I no longer want to ignore either.  When you know what your purpose-driven life is for, get used to being overwhelmed, then accept that this is your destiny.  I understand now that because I have explored so many opportunities that have come my way, because they were all part of the life lessons that I needed to embark on, they have steered me well so that I have a wider navigational map to see all of the options available, and I must tell you, it is a view to behold.  Can you imagine, your hopes and dreams laid out for you like a map, everything laid out in front of you with a working compass and all it takes now is for you to decide in which direction you would like to go?  I can't tell you how excited I am for the future.  I'm already living there in my mind, but I have to get through the present time that is necessary for the transition process to occur.  What transitions do you need to make in order for you to move to your call?

And the call isn't out there at all, it's inside me
It's like the tide; always falling and rising
I will carry you here in my heart you'll remind me
That come what may, I know the way
I am Moana! 

I hope that when you have developed the hearing to understand how to listen to your call, that you will find peace and focus in your life.  Think about people who have passed on into the next life that have always been ardent supporters of you pursuing your call.  Never forget that they are always there, cheering you on, celebrating all of the little milestones in your journey.  Yes, especially those times when you thought nobody cared or paid attention to that feeling of elation you had on your own - they've always been there in your heart, helping to remind you of your purpose-driven life, to make good on the promise of a better tomorrow for you and all you love.  All you need to remember when you start to doubt what you're doing; this is something that I will tell myself every time I feel like the tide is falling and rising unpredictably, that come what may, I know the way. . . 

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

I am free. . .

When you now know you're free. . . 

Once I was a prisoner

Lost within myself
With the world surrounding me
Wandering through the misery
But now I am free

The worst thing you can do to yourself is to cause self harm by torturing yourself with thoughts that threaten to overwhelm you and take over the sense of self that the world needs to celebrate.  I'm a huge fan of contemplation, meditation and reflection, but these things are no good if you are not able to share them with the world who needs to unite these days even more so than ever before, beyond what we could have ever imagined living in this day and age of divide, across ocean divides.  Why do we create misery for ourselves in this way?  Why do we imprison ourselves in our minds with negative thoughts that disable us from living our most authentic selves?  When we believe that we don't belong or cannot function in this world, cannot contribute to society, this is when we need to watch humanity a little more and remember what it is like to be a part of something greater than ourselves.  How do we do this?

You gave me a breath of life
Unclouded my eyes
With a sweet serenity
Lighting a ray of hope for me
And now I am free

Even if you don't believe in God, surely you must believe in something that is beyond ourselves that helps to guide what you do in your daily life.  Growing up in a Samoan Christian household has taught me beliefs and values from a colonial religion brought to my ancestors that has been passed down through generations.  There are also traditional Samoan beliefs of healing and medicine that we still adhere to in contexts that do not conflict with the aforementioned religious beliefs but that they are able to co-exist in a happy existence that enables me to live the life I enjoy.  In my moments of greatest pain, there inexplicably occurs moments of great joy, that I know comes from God and His angels that I know he sends to either protect me or angels that were originally land bound and He has taken to reclaim in His kingdom.  I honestly believe that no matter how bad things get, there is always good that comes.  If you are currently in a situation where a ray of hope seems the furthest from your reach, I encourage you to look deep within yourself and conjure up a memory of times when hope seemed far, but became attainable when you believed.  It is when we lose grasp on our faith in ourselves, in humanity and in God, that we will have truly lost hope for good.

Free to live
Free to laugh
Free to soar
Free to shine
Free to give
Free to love
Free enough to fly

How do you feel freedom in your life? When have you ever felt the most free to do any of the above?  I can say that I have experienced being free with people I care about the most, with people who don't care for me and being on my own in moments of contemplation.  The thing that we need to remember is that when we feel the pain and hurt that life's situations can so readily bring and give rise to the surface, that those are the opportunities where we can feel free to live, laugh, soar, shine, give, love and ultimately fly.  I have often had friends and colleagues ask me, how are you so resilient?  Why are you so strong?  I have given so many different answers to those questions, based on how I was feeling at the time I was asked.  But if I think quite deeply and honestly, the real answer to those questions can be boiled down to one main statement - it is because I have been weak, that I have been able to be strong again.  When we are down, we are never down for long.  When we are ready to rise and feel free enough, we will fly.

Once I was so all alone
Unsteady and cold
But your love rained down upon me
Washing away uncertainty

This is the crux of it really.  When you feel love from God or from the universe, whatever or whoever you subscribe to, you will experience no end of boundless love and joy that are not able to be contained by human measurements of time and space.  Things that seem like problems and issues in your life will pale in comparison to the love that will rain upon you when you need it the most.  What uncertainty you felt in your heart, that troubled your soul, that plagued your mind, will disappear.  You will wonder why you worried so much about those things, why you even entertained those thoughts and allowed them to steal the present; allowed them to steal the present that is the present time in your life, right now.  Unless you experience real pure unadulterated joy - and think carefully about this - imagine the greatest joy you have ever felt in your life - what occasion was that?  Now multiply that feeling by 24 hours and being in that constant state of joy your entire life.  Hard to believe?  There's no way anybody could ever feel that good ever?  I tell you - it can be done.  Suspend your disbelief and forget about what people would say if they saw you in this stupidly ridiculous state of joy - but just enjoy it for what it is.

But now
I am
Now oh now
I am free

Even though the current state of the world with all of its issues and problems may feel like there is no rays of hope for me and you, I don't think that we should dwell too much on the heartaches and the devastation.  I'm not saying that we should ignore it.  What I am saying is that there have been disasters that have happened, that we cannot change, let's look instead to what we can achieve together.  What can we collectively do together as people, standing together, arms linked, across the world to ensure that we make the right choices now that ensure the longevity of the human race on this planet?  I sometimes wonder, if there are other alien forms on other planets, whether they have the same issues and problems that we do?  Do they laugh at our #earthworldproblems and wish that we could snap out of it, wake up to ourselves and finally realise that we actually do have it good?  That we've been causing our own grief this whole entire time.  What if we've all been living our own Truman Show? What if Christof was right?  That "we accept the reality of the world with which we're presented.  It's as simple as that."  Is it really as simple as all that?  I just don't think we should lose how we can feel free to live, soar, laugh, shine, give and love.  Feeling these things help me to understand when I know I am free. . . 

Tuesday, 10 January 2017

You needed me. . .

When you needed someone or someone needed you. . . 

I cried a tear you wiped it dry
I was confused you cleared my mind
I sold my soul you bought it back for me
And held me up and gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me

I remember this song growing up as a child in suburban West Auckland.  I credit my parents with introducing me to really great lyrical singers.  That has stayed with me and influenced the type of singers that I still admire today as an adult.  Have you been able to count and rely on someone when you needed them the most?  If you have the luck to come across some really good people, they will go to the ends of the earth for you and do everything possible to be there for you, especially when you are able to tell them that you need them.  I think we often are reluctant to tell people how much we need them because we don't want to appear weak or we think that they might not reciprocate in our hour of need.

You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost touch eternity
You needed me, you needed me

An acquaintance called me today and apologised for not being able to meet up as we had planned.  To be honest I had forgotten that we had made plans when I fell sick with the flu last week and all I was concentrating on was getting myself back to 100 percent.  She began to regale stories of updates from our last conversation and she thanked me for everything I had helped her with last year and that even though she was returning to Australia where she lived and worked, she was keen to still stay in touch as when she needed me the most, I was there for you.  It struck me that sometimes, even when we are surrounded by the people that fill our daily living spaces we tend to rely on other people overseas or in other places to support us through our biggest moments in our lives.

And I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's true
I needed you and you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I never leave?
I'd be a fool 'cause I finally found someone who really cares

What happens when you go to rely on someone and they don't reciprocate?  You might have a long history and you thought that you were able to count on them to support them through something really important?  I think to minimise disappointment in this way, we must be careful about who we allocate with those important roles of being there for us when we need them the most.  I can say that I have had many disappointments.  They started when I was quite young and I thought that if I was a really good friend to others that it would be reciprocated - but sometimes it never worked out that way.  Those valuable lessons still continue today in adulthood and rather than dwell on the negative aspects of it, I am always grateful for the times when people are able to help, and still grateful for the times when they say they cannot.  I just hope you won't push people away who you find really care for you.  Can you tell the difference?

You held my hand when it was cold
When I was lost you took me home
You gave me hope when I was at the end
And turned my lies back into truth again
You even called me "friend"

Good friends instinctively know what it is that you need, before you even need it.
This comes from being able to see the worst of you and still accept you anyway.  Have you learned to master this skill?  To see the best in others when everyone is hell bent on only seeing the bad?  There will be times when people will vilify you and a test of your character will be when you are able to speak and defend your friend despite what the rest of the crowd is doing.  How can we turn lies back into truth again?  Good friends know when to step in and tell it like it is, when you don't want to hear it and when you are willing to throw away everything you've worked for.  I am grateful for always having hope and never letting go of hope, even when people want to squash it and wish only ill will.

You gave me strength to stand alone again
To face the world out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost touch eternity
You needed me, you needed me

I hope that you can take the things that people have done for you when you needed them and use them to keep you buoyant.  In fact, more than buoyant, but to really drive you to achieve everything that you are planning to live your best life.  When you are put on a pedestal, the only way off it is down, so when it is time for us to come off our pedestals, how graceful will we alight from them?  Will people help us back onto those pedestals if we are to be used as examples for others to follow?  The pressure can be super intense sometimes, but it's nothing that you can't handle, otherwise you wouldn't be going through it right now.

For the most part, people have told me that they have felt inspired by what I have shared and written in this blog, or they read so much into what I've written as if I've singled them out in some vague way, but to be completely honest with you, most of what I write has to do with me talking to myself, having internal conversations that I think if I say them out loud, could serve as something useful for someone else, somewhere else in the world.  That's quite some public diary entries there!

In the past month I have had an increased readership in people from Russia.  In fact, you've beaten the usual high number of readers from the U.S and my own home country of New Zealand - so thank you.  I guess as we start this new year, I wanted to thank you for the past few years, yes you, reading this right now.  It has been extremely rewarding for me to write and share my thoughts and feelings with the world in my own forum.  It has helped me with my grieving process, being a widow these past three years.  But most of all, especially if what I have written has come in handy for the times that you needed me, you needed me. . . 

Monday, 9 January 2017

Something beautiful. . .

When you need to be reminded of all the beauty that you forget you have. . . 

You are stronger than you know
Oh, you're something beautiful

What do you when you are faced with self doubt and not knowing whether you are entitled to achieve goals in your life that others think you can't?  When you don't think that you deserve to be loved when everyone else around you seems to fall in and out of love so easily while you wait patiently?  You might be going through a slump despite it being a new year and you're wondering what you should be focused on, and rather, you're focused on all of the negative feelings that always threaten to drag you down.  Why do we do that to ourselves?  Talk ourselves out of the good things in life that we can enjoy, because we so totally can.  We are beautiful and stronger than we know.

Know you're hurting and you feel like all is lost
Heart is burning from the love that's been cut off
But daylight comes in and time for you is all I got
And I promise you'll get through this, you can do this
Because all that you need
Is a little room to breathe

When you find yourself in a situation where you are hurt or it seems like your world is ending, it's important to know that this time will not last long.  It only lasts as long as it needs to in order for you to assess what you need to learn from it, pick yourself back up from the floor, then move through it.  I have found that trying to ignore hard times and being in denial doesn't help you build up resistance to future heartache and pain.  In fact, you do yourself a disservice by not acknowledging that plateau that you have reached and staying in denial means that you choose to delay the progress that you are meant to be experiencing to get you where you need to be.

Breathe in and let it go oh,
Your tears are not for nothing
Let them fall off
In every teardrop there is something beautiful oh,
You are stronger than you know oh
Oh you're something beautiful

If you're not a fan of crying, I suggest you take it up.
Real men cry and I've cried with real men about real issues that they have faced in their lives and they have been better off for it.  There is something lethargic about releasing emotions through tears and crying with people who feel empathy and understand what you are going through.  When people try to come up with words to make you feel better, that's not really what's required.  All you need is someone who is willing to sit there and listen to what you're saying and just hug you or give you a box of tissues to help you blow your nose or wipe those tears away.

Fighting shadows, in a game that you can't win
Losing battles in a war under your skin
It's just a blessing in disguise 
Without darkness there is no light
Just hold on a little longer, and I promise you'll get through this

When you believe the worst things about yourself, particularly when they are things that you might have done in the past which has made you think that you aren't worthy of success and happiness - then you know that you are your own worst enemy.  When we allow the hurtful words of others and allow their Machiavellian efforts to dissuade us from what we need to do, to allow people to malign you in public forums in an effort to tarnish your professional reputation; you just need to remember that your success and achievements will always attract as many haters as appreciators.

Can't feel the love without the pain
The sun wouldn't matter without the rain
You're not required to carry the weight 
So let it go, here's my hand to hold
At the end of it all, there's a smile for you waiting so

As much as we don't like bad things to happen in our lives, they are a necessary evil (excuse the dichotomy pun) because without it, we wouldn't know what good things feel like in contrast, to transition out of, to aspire to regain and to adopt new perspectives that make us feel better than we did.  I think we need to stop beating ourselves up and let go of issues that drive us mental, take over our headspace and stop us from functioning to our full potential.  Once we go down that rabbit hole, we might find ourselves in an endless warren struggling to get back out.  So it's important to breathe and think about next steps to get to a new place, to restore your faith in yourself and the goodness that you can put out for others as well as receiving the blessings that are meant for you.

You're something beautiful
You're something beautiful baby and you believe that yeah
You deserve it all
Don't let them tell you you're not
Just give it all you got 
Cause you're more than enough
You're something beautiful

I hope that you can take a good long look at yourself in the mirror and see what I see.
There are many more adventures that are meant for you, more things to explore and more people to meet that you can work alongside to make more meaningful contributions to this world.  Even if you have to be around people that you wouldn't normally want to be around, because philosophically you're opposed to what they represent, you just need to make the most of the situation and hopefully through your character traits, you can influence them to see what's best for everyone, rather than them entertaining their own self-interests.  These aren't just words that I offer up for you.  I also look at myself in the mirror and say them to myself.  We are all, if we want to be, something beautiful. . . 

Wednesday, 4 January 2017

You have been loved. . .

A conversation I should have had, but never did. . . 

She takes the back road and the lane
Past the school that has not changed
In all this time
She thinks of when the boy was young
All the battles she had won
Just to give him life

It's funny.  You live near a back road which is almost like a lane.  You live near the school that your son, my late husband attended.  He told me stories about when he was young and a student there at the local high school before he moved to another school to complete his senior year.  You told me stories about how hard life was for him growing up.  The battles that you fought for him as his mother and despite what people said about him being such a big boy at a young age, you always put that down to just him having a big appetite and you thought he looked so cute.  I saw pictures of him as a child in his class photos.  He was always the easiest to spot in the each photo.  I couldn't help but wonder that if you had been stricter on his eating habits when he was younger, he could've avoided all of the health problems he inherited as an adult.  Was life without him something you envisioned?

That man
She loved that man
For all his life
But now we meet to take him flowers
And only God knows why

He told me lots of stories about you.  The good times with you and also the bad times.  Even if you disagreed on many issues, which you did, he never stopped loving you.  As his mother, you would have been the first woman he loved in his life, before he met me.  He told me about schoolyard crushes that he had, and even some workplace ones too.  I smile when I think about how he described how he felt about those girls, about those women.  Even his best friend growing up questioned him when he made it clear that he intended to ask me to marry him.  I was his first and only girlfriend.  His best friend wasn't sure that it was a wise decision to ask me to marry him, as he lacked experience with women.  We take turns giving him flowers now.  I do thank you for loving him the best way you knew how.  That's just how you loved.

For what's the use in pressing arms
When children fade in mother's arms
It's a cruel world
With so much to lose
And what we have to learn
We rarely choose

Pressing arms.  What does that even mean?  Are they the empty hugs that we gave each other when we lost him?  When his sheer physical presence began to fade, how was that even possible?  His presence was such that he filled the room, not with the enormity of his size but with his spirit and smile that was genuinely warm where others were cold.  Now you prepare for another son's unveiling on Saturday and we understand that the world can be cruel to us.  How does it feel to have lost two sons?  We would never choose tragedy.  I wouldn't wish that on people that don't like me either.  

So if it's God who took her son
He cannot be the one living in her mind

It is always really easy to blame God for the grief that we experience in our lifetimes.  I guess that's what Satan wants us to think though right?  If I had a dollar for every time I've seen comments online about God letting bad things happen to good people, I would be a millionaire.  Bad things happen to good people because we don't get to choose what happens to us.  Death isn't selective and despite what people try to rationalise and justify, we can only be prepared for what goes on living in our minds when the ones we love the most are no longer living.  What can we choose to keep alive?  What memories do you have enshrined in your mind?

Take care my love she said 
Don't think that God is dead
Take care my love she said 
You have been loved

I imagine you have conversations with your son when you visit.  We have since grown distant since years have past, since my duties as a wife were abruptly called to a halt.  I don't think that your son ever stopped believing in God. He never thought that God was dead, and I know I certainly don't.  He's probably jamming with him right now and probably in awe of all the musicians who have left this earthly plane in the past year. 

If I was weak forgive me
But I was terrified
You brushed my eyes with angel wings, full of love
The kind that makes devils cry

I know you probably thought I didn't do enough as a wife, and you're entitled to your opinion.  
I made decisions that at the time I thought was best for my marriage.  You never really asked how things were going.  That was understandable.  You had to look out for the interests of your son and I totally get that.  I tried to be the dutiful daughter in law who was docile and did everything that she was asked, and I knew not to be critical of anything that I saw that hurt my husband.  It wasn't my place to say, and to avoid arguments and bickering - it's what you do right?  You play your role in the big production so that everyone knows what kind of character you are meant to play, even when inside you want to deviate from the expectations and limitations from a script that doesn't take into account your ability to think on your feet.  No improvisation wanted here.  Who do I ask for forgiveness?  I just need to forgive myself for any weaknesses I seem to have displayed.

So these days
My life has changed
And I'll be fine
But she just sits and counts the hours
Searching for her crime

Since he's been gone, life is definitely different.  
My life moves on without him and I don't know what fine is anymore.  It's just life without him.
What do you sit and count down the hours for?  I don't know what crimes you may have committed.  You might have said and done things that have deeply offended others.  I'm not sure whether they have been to Machiavellian efforts but they might be close enough.  

For what's the use in pressing palms
If you won't keep such love from harm
It's a cruel world
You've so much to prove
And heaven help the ones who wait for you

What can we shake hands on now?  
On the off chance that we meet, you barely acknowledge me.  I don't mind.  My duties have been done.  I'm no longer required to legally perform any duties in your life and I must say that this is allowed me to pursue goals in life that do not revolve around your needs.  Do you have anything left to prove in this world?  I don't know if there will be others waiting to help you.  It probably explains why you tried to cling to me so tightly when you had your chance because you know eventually you will be alone.  It's not a nice feeling.  I don't wish that on you.  But I see what you do to your children.

Well I've no daughters, I've no sons
Guess I'm the only one
Living in my life

Even though we had planned to have children, we didn't have any.
The plan to have children was cut short by circumstances beyond my control, and the finality of this confirmed when he passed away.  I couldn't imagine and didn't want to entertain the idea of raising children without him.  It was almost like a blessing in disguise that I didn't have any children, seeing as he would not be here to watch them grow up.  As strong as I am, I didn't want to be a father as well as a mother.  I commend women who do that daily with children that I once taught as a teacher - but I couldn't imagine doing that myself.  The only bonus of being a teacher was the final bell going at the end of the day, signalling for children to go home at the end of each school day.

Take care my love he said
Don't think that God is dead
Take care my love he said
You have been loved

I don't know what my hope is for you.
I know that your son had many hopes for me and wanted me to fulfil them, even in his absence.
I know that God is alive because He keeps me strong in the face of being on my own.  He sends people to me to watch me on my pathway to fulfilling all of our dreams and goals, taking me on adventures that I had never foreseen for myself, because I had not planned on a life without him.  I am grateful and thankful to your son for choosing me to be his wife.  He always wanted me to take care and thought of me often when I traveled for work across the country.  It is because he was my husband that I finally agree with at least one thing you said to me when he left this world about his feelings for me, what you knew about your son's feelings for me - you have been loved. . . 

Tuesday, 3 January 2017

Am I that easy to forget. . .

This blog post is a tribute to Debbie Reynolds. . . 

Before she was famously known as the mother of Princess Leia, Debbie Reynolds was a colossal star in her own right.  She carried on raising her two children when her husband left her to be with her friend Elizabeth Taylor.  It is easy to think that this song accurately sums up the situation that Debbie would have found herself in but I would like to think that she carried on living just fine without going through such a public spectacle at the time.  Her daughter Carrie Fisher made such a perfect joke about the consoling that her father did in her book.  Rest in peace Ms. Reynolds - you are missed.

They say you've found somebody new
But that won't stop my lovin' you
I just can't let you walk away
Forget the love I had for you

When love ends because someone decides that it is over, it might take some time for you to be able to adjust to the change in the situation.  What would you do?  Try and make them see sense and realise that they can't just give up everything that you accomplished together and give up on your love for them?  When does them walking away and you standing there taking them walking away start to be less painful?  When you want to keep remembering the love that you had for them but they have no qualms about turning their back on you and walking away? 

Guess I could find somebody too
But I don't want no one but you
How could you leave without regret?
Am I that easy to forget?

Then you start entertaining thoughts about finding somebody else in your life.  It is easy enough to try and make sense of something that isn't meant to make sense.  Love is a very messy and real thing that people forget involves real emotions (if you do it right, if you are honest and lay yourself vulnerable to truly experiencing love in all of its fullness).  When someone is able to walk away from you without regret, it is because they are patiently waiting for something else to happen or they are going to leave well enough alone.  If love is real and genuine, there will never really be anything that is forgotten.  

Before you leave be sure you find
You want her love much more than mine
'Cause I'll just say we've never met
If I'm that easy to forget

Pride will soon start rearing its head when you can no longer take the fact that the other person is willing to forget you.  Crazy thoughts fill your head and you start to question whether everything was real and if you had imagined all of what has passed, all of what has been conveniently stored away and never to be reopened.  You almost start to think that you have opened a Pandora's box if you decide to take one long last peek.  Nothing good can from it right now, so what do you do?  As my American professor says all the time - what can you do?  It always makes me question whether any course of action will be fruitful - but rather, it is easier to just sit on one's hands and not make a move at all.

Guess I could find somebody new
But I don't want no one but you
I couldn't leave without regret
You're not that easy to forget

What is the point in finding somebody new?  As a widow, it almost becomes the furthest thing from one's mind.  It isn't because you can't bear to live without your love anymore.  It might have more to do with not being able to fathom that there is a possibility of having another love like the one you have lost.  There is no way that you could experience unconditional love like that twice in your lifetime right?  I don't know if I want to keep my heart open.  I don't know if I want to let anybody in and why should I?  It is perfectly natural to be wary and not have to decide in no uncertain terms whether you want to have love again in your life.  

Before you leave be sure you find
You want her love much more than mine
'Cause I'll just say we've never met
If I'm that easy to forget

I hope that you will trust your heart to know what the right course of action will be.
We sometimes think that love is meant to be painful and make us do crazy things but no I disagree with that.  I'm not saying that it should be straight forward either. but I think once we stop doing drastic things and hide behind facades and walls that block us from actually being able to see what it is we actually want from other people, and even listening to what our hearts want from ourselves, before we demand it from others; you might be able to ask yourself am I that easy to forget. . .