Saturday, 19 November 2016

Gone. . .

This is my last goodbye. . . I'm gone. . . 

While I waited for you there was no show
Made myself believe the untrue, how could I not know?
But it seemed easier, just to lie
But I found you out, this is my last goodbye

The truth is so hard to find these days.  Is it because we keep it so buried deep within ourselves that we think that if we let it out, it might ruin our lives?  We've been told that the truth is supposed to set us free, but if things are forged in lies, then we all know that inevitably, this will not end well.  When it seems easier to lie, then that tells you that this thing called life is going to be so much hard work.  Why should we have to work this hard?  I certainly don't want to.  I would rather put time and energy into things that can bring goodness to others.  I'm pretty sure that's a great indicator right?  That we should be thinking about the things that we say and do, that help others in the long run.  This is what humans are supposed to be able to ascertain and carry out.  I guess I've been questioning this a bit lately because being subjected to other people's hidden agendas can take a toll on one's mind.

I heard enough fairy tales back in my youth
So just stop biting your nails and take the painful truth
You just look ridiculous in your disguise
Yes I found you out, this is my last goodbye

I have never understood the appeal of telling lies or being told them.  Once the truth is revealed, it's like a veil has been taken off you and your vision is much sharper in focus.  It's like the scales have dropped from your eyes and even if you tried to see things the same, you just can't.  Knowing the truth, even the painful truth, no matter how painful, is necessary.  I don't care how many times people try to "protect" you or others from the truth, I would definitely prefer the fast ripping off of a band aid, rather than the torturous agonisingly slow tugging at the band aid.  It just hurts more for the victim and there's no compassion there.  Have a little respect and show some compassion.

'Cause it used to be my life and soul
Keeping everything in tune
What the heck man
Last time I checked man
We had it all, it was just me and you
So what happened to you
Thought I knew you
No more chances
I'm gone, gone, gone

I don't know about you, but it can get really tiring trying to keep everything in tune.  It's like you're a master arranger and people expect you to fix their mess of problems.  I think sometimes hang on, I didn't create that, now you want me to fix it?  When did that become my job?  I didn't volunteer to save you?  When you go through your life with this particular role, it can often feel like you are constantly taken for granted, that people assume you will always be there for them and save them no matter what.  No.  There is a limit you see.  But you probably can't see because you're so fixated on your own hidden agenda you didn't bother to check how I'm really doing.  As long as I continue to do things that benefit you, and only you.  Wow.  Last time I checked man, there was a thing called reciprocity.  That's the damage you're causing to my life and soul.  You don't see the impact.  How can you?  All you see is what you want, the mess you've created and the selfish notion that I will keep everything in your life, in tune.



Love's not blind, it's just deaf and dumb
So how could I fool myself thinking you were the one
How sad, how undignified
Now I found you out, this is my last goodbye

I felt like I was placing all my eggs in one basket.  But now I realise you did that deliberately.  You made sure that there was nobody else around that I could trust, because you wanted to be the only one.  This is how you mess with people's emotions right?  I didn't realise how masterful a manipulator you were until I was able to step back and see the art of your design.  If only you spent this much time and effort in creating constructive and meaningful things that didn't have to hurt people in the process - that would be amazing.  Everything you've done has come at no cost to you.  Everyone else around you has paid the price, but you made sure that you didn't have to spend a dime.  That's clever.  That's real cunning.  If I wasn't dragged into the middle of your mess, I would applaud your devious machinations and think I was in some Shakespearean tragedy.  How sad and how undignified indeed.

'Cause when I waited for you there was no show
Made myself believe the untrue, how could I not know?

It's easy to say why I didn't know, couldn't even begin to know  You're just really good at what you do.  That's not a compliment by the way.  Even as I write this, I'm still writing with restraint.  I don't know if you understand the depths of the words I'm using.  I'm not saying that you won't understand the words, because you do.  I just don't think you understand what it means to me.  When you wrong someone, you should try and understand the impact of your actions and words - what effect did the things you said and did have on the skewed or warped reality that was so fake?  Do you even know?  Have you faced that reality really?  I no longer choose to believe the untrue.  Instead, I'm choosing to walk away. I'm done.  I'm gone.  It's the best solution for me and it's the best solution for you too, even if you don't see it now.

Keeping everything in tune
What the heck man
Last time I checked man
We had it all, it was just me and you
So what happened to you
Thought I knew you
No more chances
I'm gone, gone, 
I'm gone, gone, gone

I hope that you get what you want in life.  I'm sorry that I can't be there to cheer you on.  The thing is, I don't want to, I need distance and I need to focus on me.  I've been distracted long enough with your dramas to keep me away from living my destiny so it's time to just stop, take stock and realise, this is over.  Whatever this is.  There are no more chances.  I'm completely out.  I don't think there's anything else you could say or do to change my mind.  In traditional Samoan culture, if you wrong someone, you are meant to go to that person's residence and perform an ifoga - the forgiveness ceremony where you sit in a kneeling position in front of their house, covering your entire body with a fine mat and wait for the aggrieved person to forgive you.  Even if it rained, or there was intense heat from sunny days, no matter how many hours or days, you stayed out there in front of the house until you were forgiven and the victim decided to take the mat off you.  That's how deeply I feel about forgiveness; it's not given lightly and shouldn't even be sought if truth is paramount from the outset.  I guess I don't know how I'll feel in the future.  Nobody knows what tomorrow brings.  But for right now, how I feel today, just leave me alone and let me heal.  For right now, I can no longer give no more chances, I'm gone, gone, I'm gone, gone gone. . .