Sunday, 2 October 2016

Diary. . .

Have you ever kept a diary when you were growing up?  Diaries or journals are a good way for people to keep track of thoughts and ideas about what they experienced.  I wrote in diaries throughout my high school and early university life  I think these blog posts are a return to those notions of locking down my experiences as an adult now.  I used to write in code still though, in case someone stumbled across the diaries and tried to decipher who I was referring to in those pages.  When I moved house last year, I came across those old diaries and read through some of my old poetry that I had written as well.  If you look at the Poetry Corner page on this blog, some of those poems are featured on there.

I found her diary underneath a tree
And started reading about me
The words she'd written took me by surprise 
You'd never read them in her eyes
They said that she had found the love she'd waited for
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it

The idea of being able to share your feelings in the pages of diary, allows the writer an avenue to release them without fear of rejection but ultimately it's a release to acknowledge and gives them time to grapple with those feelings.  Once they've wrestled with those ideas, then it gives some time to explore some actions to create scenarios of how to proceed. What choices have you made that lead you to take action or not?  Even when you are confronted with so many opportunities to say something, anything, we may choose not to respond.

Then she confronted with the writing there
Simply pretended not to care
I passed it off as just in keeping with
Her total disconcerting air
And though she tried to hide the love that she denied
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it

How do you show your feelings to the one you're with?  It might not even be to someone you're technically with, but someone you spend a lot of time with.  Recent interactions with people at social gatherings have been interesting.  It has made me reflect on what their expectations are of me based on the last interaction or what they think they know about me then as opposed to now.  I guess it's that idea of constantly changing so fast on daily basis, every hour, every minute, every second.  How do we keep track of that change?

And as I go through my life
I will give to her my wife
All the sweet things I can find

How do you continue to give to someone not only because you need to, but because you want to?  That clear demarcation between needs and wants.  I've met too many people along the way who confuse the two.  I have learned and continue to learn how these two distinctions operate - and mind you, it hasn't been easy learning to undertake, but it has certainly made me think about what is important.  At the moment it's been about finding those sweet things for myself, rather than relying on someone who thinks they want to do that, and then finding out it's a lot harder to make such promises.

I found her diary underneath a tree
And started reading about me
The words began to stick and tears to flow
Her meaning now was clear to see
The love she'd waited for was someone else not me
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it

Then what do you do when you get it wrong?  Like you completely read the signs wrong and then realised in hindsight, there were no signs, no indications that this was how things were going to turn out?  You probably wonder who that someone else, because there was no indication that anybody else was on the scene anyway.  Just a whole bunch of questions that spring to mind and that don't get answered.  Sometimes answers aren't what's required.  In fact, it should just be about being to ask the right questions, or honing your skills so that you know how to listen well to craft the right questions to be asked.  At least then, you'll be able to figure out how to surface what people really think so they can show it.  I guess we can't really know things about people unless they're willing to show us right?

And as I go through my life
I will wish for her his wife
All the sweet things she can find
All the sweet things they can find

I hope that you can start to go through life the way you want to now.
When situations change and people move on, all you can do is wish them well on a new journey and accept the decisions that have been made.  Will she then be able to find the sweet things that she has been looking for?  Will they able to find sweet things together?   I guess once you've been able to reconcile that in your own mind, then you will be able to wish yourself some sweet things for your own life.  Or maybe she will be able to reciprocate and wish you all the sweet things you can find, in kind.  But what are the chances?  Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it. . .