Friday, 5 August 2016

What can I do. . .

I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

Sleep has never been a strong suit of mine, but you always knew that.  We talk a lot but I don't know if we really talk.  Sometimes we don't talk at all but there's so much that hangs in the air, but we can let it sit there and feel cool with it.  I don't know if it's because I hold back on what I really want to say, because I don't know what I want to say.  Am I doing anything wrong?  Are you doing something wrong?  I guess we don't really know unless we can be completely honest about what it means to really talk and not have to write in italics for the rest of this blog post. . .

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do make you care
What can I do to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

Do we need to make people do things if they can't feel it or know it, barely even recognise it?  Will they even want to get there?  If you have to make someone love you, and they aren't able to arrive at it themselves, then it's not on you - but more on them.  They might feel like there are inconsistencies about what love, care or feeling something looks like and these things all look different anyway.  Do they warrant explanation and careful consideration?  Maybe so, especially when you don't know if you're doing anything wrong and even if you haven't been able to talk in so long - how much longer are you prepared to leave it this way?

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better
If I don't try and I don't hope

I don't know if I'm aware that I take pieces of you.  I probably do it without knowing unless something goes wrong or something comes up that kind of challenges how things are going, or you're not happy about something.  Making a decision to sit back and not inject so much of yourself into anything may seem like the logical thing to do, but since when has love, care or feelings ever been logical?  What does it mean to not try and not hope?  Are you giving up because that seems to be the best course of action and you think that this is the way things are supposed to be?  That if we take into account how we're not really talking like we should be, do we ever really come face to face with what's really in our hearts, minds and souls?

No more waiting, no more aching
No more fighting, no more trying

When I think about the many times in the past when I have willingly given up waiting, decided I will no longer ache or fight or try - does it make things easier to deal with?  Do I think about how much I have suppressed what I really think and feel (probably dying to say) because it is easier to keep the peace and not bring to the surface what really lurks beneath. . .

Maybe there's nothing more to say
And in a funny way I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just gonna let it fly

When you forget about the power and that in a relationship it isn't about who has the upper hand, but more to do with how much you are willing to make the other person feel loved, cared for and felt deeply about - that is when you will start to see that things are easier to see flying.  There is no joy in trying to be the "powerful" one in a relationship - these moments that create memories in a relationship, especially when you reminisce about them, are meant to build windows that we can look out of and experience new things together, or they can be mirrors that we can look into together to remember how we looked and felt in those memories.  I guess no matter how tremulous or nervous you may feel, the calm that sits on your exterior will always mask the interior that can barely contain itself.  When the time is right, you will know when it is time to let go, and when it is time to hold on.

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

I hope that you find someone who loves, cares for you, and makes you feel how you want to feel, as opposed to making you feel things that you don't want to feel, or are ill prepared to feel.  You could say that timing is everything, but it's more to do with someone being in a state of readiness that can only come with the willingness or even courage to take the plunge, when you'd much rather pull the plug.  I hope that you are able to first love yourself, take care of yourself and feel the way that you want to feel.  I hope that you can get to where you want to be, wherever and whenever that may be.  I guess for me, I only have one requirement; that whoever wants to challenge me to spend all my time, energy and headspace on them, then they must be prepared to love me. . .