Sunday, 21 August 2016

She was mine. . .

Happy 40th birthday Loma xxx

So I hopped on a train
Three in the afternoon
I don't know when I'm coming back
But I hope that it's soon
See I never thought, never thought, that I'd ever leave your side, your side

The first time I heard this song was last Thursday, just before your birthday.  As soon as I heard this song I knew that you would be really into it.  You were always busy showing me songs that you liked and that you wanted me to hear.  It's funny how this is one of the key memories that I have of you now - how much you wanted to me to pay attention to sound, to really appreciate and listen to music and feel the same way that you felt about it.  Our love for music was something that we shared and one that I will always cherish as one of your gifts to me.

It's only physically 
But I know that you will be on my mind
Twenty four hours at a time
'Cause in my eyes you were mine, you were mine

I know that I am on your mind.
I always feel it most when I need to feel it the most.  It's one of the easiest ways to feel comforted.  Grief is hard to bear because everyone deals with it in their own time, at their own pace.  I have discovered since you've gone that when I do grieve for you, it is during times when I want to share news with you that I know you would love to hear.  When there is news that I know I would need your support for, all I need to do is think about what you would say to me and it sustains me.

See she wrote me a letter 
Said the weather wasn't better
But she said she was doing fine
I wanna see you face to face
That's what she wrote to me that day
And I knew that it was all a sign

I guess nowhere with you is any better, but I know that I can't go through life being sad without you, because that's not what you wanted for me.  Now all I need to do is appreciate all of the things you shared with me, all the little jokes and sayings that you had which make me laugh and smile especially if I'm in places where I would rather leave or not be in.  Letters to you were in the form of cards, emails, text messages and songs.  I am doing fine, but each day varies.  I think the key is not sweating the small stuff and just remembering to be grateful for every single moment.  You taught me that face to face moments were important and I know now how much you tried to connect so much, tried to show me the signs even when I didn't see it.

So I wrote back with this song
Promise it won't be too long
Wanna make up for all our lost time
'Cause in my eyes you were mine, you were mine

I've been doing some thinking (well a lot actually).
I don't worry too much about time anymore.  For me there's no such thing.  I don't know where life will take me.  People have asked me if I would get remarried or if I'm interested in seeing someone.  To be honest, it's the furthest thing from my mind right now.  You did say that you wanted me to be happy and that if I found someone, that I should get married again.  I think as time goes by, there is the danger that I will be placing you on a pedestal with your untouchable and unreachable love, that no other man could ever aspire to reach, competing with your ghost.  I don't think any man could come close to you my funny valentine.

So I'm going through these boxes 
My life's gone off track
'Cause it's been three years
She hasn't written back
But in my eyes
She's still mine

I've been working in my office and going through old photo albums that I forgot were there.
My life is on track (barely) but that's because I had always relied on you with your honesty to tell me what I needed to hear, rather than what I wanted to hear.  I have celebrated three of your birthdays without you.  I wonder what you think about where I am at right now and if there is anything new that you would say or do with me that you haven't already said or done.  The journey at the moment is focused on finishing my studies and thinking about how much you wanted me to pursue my dreams, wherever they took me.  Soon this Brainy Smurf will have her own book of quotes and quotations in the form of a thesis.

No matter where you go, I won't be very far
'Cause in my head I'll be right there where you are
'Cause love has no distance baby
Love, love has no distance baby
No, not when it comes to you and me

I hope that you had a fantastic 40th birthday in heaven.
I spent your birthday with Fina, reminiscing about you and talking about how life is different without you in it.  We also talked about how far we've come since we had last met, as it seemed so long ago now.  I don't think there isn't anything that has happened since your passing that you don't already know about.  Even though I visit your grave and look at your picture, I feel you everywhere I am and that's how I know that love has no distance baby, no, not when it comes to you and me. . .