Sunday, 22 May 2016

A thousand years. . .

I miss you Loma - 3 years since the sun set on you - 22nd May 2013

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt 
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

Have you had your 'one step closer'?  Sometimes I think you don't realise when in your life you are meant to know that you are in your own step closer, until after the step has been made, and then you can only look back and think, wow I had it, I was there, I was in that step and it actually did bring me closer.  What did it bring you closer to?  The love of your life?  A time you can't recapture or relive?  At this time in my life, it makes me think about the love I lost when I lost my husband on that fateful day, Wednesday 22nd May 2013.  That day sparked the end of a life I had never even begun to enjoy or really understand I had lost, and instead, it opened a new life that I was reluctant to travel alone, complete with an overwhelming sense of guilt about being alive and living without him.  How can I even know what love means anymore when it died that day?  There will never be anything that comes close to it and I don't think there ever will.  I don't think you're supposed to feel something like that again, it's too magical.  But one thing is for sure, I am sure mighty glad that I have known love once.

I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you 
For a thousand years
I will love you
For a thousand more

In my darkest moments, I feel you around me.  
You would often say that even though you had never had a girlfriend before you met me, you knew that I was the one. Even your best friend at one stage would reveal to me that he had tried to question him to check whether he was making the right decision putting all his eggs into one basket by wanting to marry me.  You told him, she's the one I've been waiting for.  I never really appreciated the enormity of that until you left.  Because while you were waiting for me to appear in your life, now it feels like you are waiting for me to appear again in the after life.  

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
Standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I still remember walking down the aisle in the church with my parents on either side of me.  I watched you sing to me.  The wedding rehearsal the night before was a bit of disaster on your part as you had told the minister that you hadn't really practised and didn't have a song ready.  That was classic Loma though.  As a wedding pianist, I had seen the minister rip into the bride or groom for not being fully prepared for their part in the ceremony.  But you were charming.  The minister couldn't resist your smile and your cuddly teddy bear ways.  I smile when I think about how you can wriggle yourself out of situations with just your smile.  It's a gift I sometimes wish I had.  

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a  
Thousand years
I'll love for a 
Thousand more

I went to your brother's family service last night.  It was good to see the family again albeit under such tragic circumstances.  Everyone who got up to deliver their eulogies mentioned you.  I felt like there was no better place for me to be other than where I would be surrounded by people who loved you just as much as I do.  My favourite memory of you that someone shared was when you were all in Rarotonga for Des and Sitina's wedding and you were in the hotel pool.  Tourists crowded themselves around you and you waved Des over.  He was thinking what's with the crowd?  And you told him that you had told the crowd that you and your brother were WWF wrestling stars.  I remember you told me that story.  I laughed so hard because I had forgotten it until I heard it again.

I finally got to talk to your best friend Mila too.  It had been such a long time since I had seen him and speak to him.  It was good to see him.  I know how much he misses you too and how much you miss sharing stories with him and reminiscing about the mischief you got up to together.  I always laugh when I think about your stories with Mila because you always forget that you've told them to me probably 4 or 5 times but I didn't mind.  I just loved seeing how much you obviously treasured those moments with your friend. He will love you for a thousand years if not more too.

One step closer
One step closer. . . 

I am grateful to you for being such a great husband to me in life.  The things you shared with me, especially your little sayings and unique expressions - they always make me laugh.  When I encounter a difficult situation I always ask myself what you would do.  Then I smile and nod with confidence and go ahead with my game plan,  You always supported me in every endeavour I set my mind to and I know too, that even though I feel physically alone sometimes, I know I'm not spiritually because I feel you reach me through music and in my thoughts.  I truly treasure those times where I can feel you try to connect with me.  No matter how many earth years I have left, I will never be afraid to meet death once it knocks on my door, because it means that I will see you again, I will be one step closer. . .