Tuesday, 31 May 2016

The truth. . .

I've been talking to a lot of people about using metacognition and metareflection.  I actively use these on a daily basis in my pursuit in finding the answers to questions that are not necessarily put to me, but those questions that swim around in my mind when it refuses to rest.  It can be hard to find the balance in all of the areas of your life, in all of the little pockets of truth that you have, whether you choose to let people put their hands in your pockets and feel around for what you hide there.  Do you carry your truth around with you in your pockets?  Do you let people see your truth?

tired but searching for the answers
tying myself down with all I find
still purpose circles like a dancer
but in my mind

I guess your mind is the safest place to store your truth.  Some people can't help but wear their truth on their sleeves, or stop it from spilling from their lips.  Truth can be fact, truth can be right. but we live in a world that tries to rationalise truth or more accurately, they try to take lies and manipulate them into certain truths depending on what they want to convey as the truth.  It's hard to tell the truth though isn't it?  We constantly hide what we hold buried either in the deep dark places of our hearts and souls, or buried in the back corners of our mind so that people can't see it, unless your facial expressions give you away.  I mean, this is the use of the poker face right?

my spirit is with the breeze
far from the things I used to know
wild and free
using the truth to let go

Who cares about knowing anymore?  As much as I try to search for things, tangible things like awards and achievement, it's definitely more about the process, the journey rather than the destination that is starting to take hold of my heart, mind and soul these days.  In the stillness of time, you can let your spirit wander around with the breeze and release all of the negative feelings that the world wants you to hold onto and keep buried inside your body.  We can be as wild and free as we want to be, using the truth as a sieve to shake off all of the things and ideas that can overwhelm us and threaten to bury our true selves from enjoying what little life we have in this vast expanse of a universe.

serenity rests in me
far from the things I used to know
I found the strength to let it show

Are you as far away from the things that you know?  I think people will naturally be drawn to you because they see you as some kind of beacon of light with all of the answers.  Then you'll have your friends who will be able to tell you (quite frankly too I might add) that you think you know it all, when you never said that you think you know it all - you just feel it all.  Can we tell the difference these days?  Find the serenity, attract it to you and let it seep in your bones.  There is a certain serenity and peace that the world can't offer you - it can only be found when you choose to let go of all of the things that hold you down and keep you from enjoying the happiness you deserve.

I smile cos I know that it's ok
I've got this love to help me slip away
far from all the worry that defines you
to live in truth

The love that you need to slip away, is the love that comes from within.  We search for love from someone because society wants us to think that love from another is what we need to make us complete.  I'm not saying that isn't true.  Because everybody needs somebody.  What I am saying is that you can't love somebody else the way they need to be loved, if you can't love yourself.  That's the best thing you can do for yourself before you even consider being in love with someone else.  If you let worry define you then it will stay a part of you.  We can live in the truth that we want to be in, if we choose to let go of everything else that threatens to take that truth away.

the truth is in love 
in love there's a light
the truth is in love
there's love where it's right

The interlude before this verse starts gives the listener time to reflect on what they've heard in previous verses but also think about what's to come.  I wonder if when the truth is in love, whether it remains strong and steadfast in its truth?  I say this because we all know what happens when we are in love.  It makes us do silly things, it makes us expose parts of our ourselves that we would never think to show anybody else.  But when we find people who can help us discover more about ourselves, then we know we are exactly where we need to be.

my spirit is with the breeze
far from the things I used to know
wild and free
using the truth to let go

There is nothing wrong with being far away from the things you used to know, it's called growing up.  We need to start becoming increasing comfortable with the uncomfortable, with the discomfort of what it means to grow and transition into new spaces that we never thought we would see ourselves.  Being forced to face challenges and more importantly, the truth, about where we need to be, exposes the strength from within ourselves so that we can deal with more complex issues that requires this strength, as well as the patience and sanity to deal with the more mundane humdrum activities in our world.

serenity rests in me
far from the things I used to know
I found the strength, I found it. . . 

I hope you get into the habit of smiling even when it's not ok.  It takes a lot of time, effort and energy to train your mind to be able to bring a smile to your face, but practice thinking about the triggers that make your smile.  A sweet memory, a moment that you treasure that you pull out from your mind and plaster as a smile on your face.  Those times are priceless but nobody can take those moments away from you.  Even when you can't live in those moments physically anymore, they are still memories nonetheless, and if thinking about them can give you the serenity that you need to give you strength to carry on and live in your truth, then I'm glad you have it, I'm glad that you've found it :-)

Sunday, 29 May 2016

Happy being me. . .

Baby I'm thanking you. . . 

Looking back on when I started

Had a lot of sun and a lot of rain
I've had some joy and broken heartache
But now that doesn't mean a thing

Hindsight can be 20/20.  There will be times when you have experiences that either make you or break you but either way they definitely shape your character and help you to make decisions about yourself, because you learn things about yourself and others that come into your life.  When you are in a constant state of rain, it might be easy for you to forget what it feels like to have sun again.  All of the good and bad things that happen in your life shouldn't matter as much now, because they lead you here.  It's what you decide to do with the here and now that will determine the rest of your life.

I'm living for the joy and laughter
Longing for my befores and afters
All in all, it's been cool
And there's nothing I wouldn't do

Joy and laughter are definitely high on my priority list.  Are they high on yours?  I find that people I know and people I don't but include me in their circles, spend far too much time longing for befores and afters.  We must learn to accept what we are faced with, but we don't need to lie down and take it either.  If we feel strongly about what we decide to do with ourselves and our lives, then we are more inclined to follow through with what we need to do to be at our best.  If we overthink what we should be doing, we end up spending time thinking about it rather than actually doing it.  Is there nothing that you wouldn't do?  When we do things, we should be thinking about - what will my future self think about this?  I think it's because of the readings I've been doing around possible selves that has helped me to think about what it is that I need to do and how to engage in the wider world.

Stop reaching back for your beginnings
All those broken dreams that went down stream
As we grow, live and know
Some things we were never meant to be

We need to think about those broken dreams not as things that never happened, but more along the lines of - why didn't that happen for me and compare with where you are right now.  Are you able to trace your parallel lives?  I am a strong believer in the fact that we are living the lives we are meant to be living, no matter how bad it might seem to be, because there are things that we are meant to learn - if not for ourselves, then for others.  This is why we are never really alone, because we are connected to others in ways that we never imagined and yet struggle to understand.  Society would have us believe what these connections are - but only you can determine and define what those look like.  But yes, some thing we were never meant to be.

Just like people they come and go
Some will live forever and some will never know
That's why God gives us memories
To lead us to our victories, I'm so happy loving me

Some will never know what you really think about them or how they make you feel, or how you feel about them.  For whatever reasons, we choose not to say anything.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  But when you think about it, there is equal damage either way, whether you choose to say something or nothing.  Why is it that some will live forever and some will never know?  When someone dies, there is the tendency for them to live forever in your mind because there is nowhere else for them to go.  The same thing applies for all the other people in your life that will come and go.  They belong in memories that play out in your mind.

Although sweet hidden treasures
Feel nothing but pleasure
We could never replace this love
We can't no we can't no
The sunlight leads us to a place
And the moonlight keeps us in his grace
I'm so happy being me

It might be hard to think you can replace a love that you have lost, because the memory of it is so good, it makes you feel good and there doesn't seem to be anything conceivable that could give you as much happiness.  Well, that's what you think now.  And that's totally natural to feel that way.  But I don't think you should close yourself off to any opportunities that might come your way.  Enjoy who you are with, if you are already attached.  We spend too much time sweating the small stuff and picking off things that we hate about them, rather than remembering what we loved about them in the first place.  If you are not with anybody, enjoy being you and people will be attracted to you.  Nothing is more attractive to people than someone who is confident in themselves, doesn't worry about other people's opinions and you're just a naturally respectful person of others.  I know that it might seem difficult to balance your opinions with respect, especially if people rub you up the wrong way, but there is a time and place for everything.  We just need to learn how to gauge things along the way.

I'm so happy being me
So happy being me, I'm regretting nothing 'bout me
Too busy living life, living love freely
So happy being me

I hope that you are happy being you.  The only person you should be good at being, is yourself.  It sounds cliche I know, and over rated, but sometimes the most simple of things is the hardest to achieve.  I regret nothing about me, about my life, because I would not be the woman I am today, I would not be how I think, how I believe, how I love and how I speak and how I act today.  I am not in competition with anyone but myself (I'm my own worst enemy in that sense) and I think that as much as I have achieved at this point in my life, I'm always hungry for more - not necessarily more success, but more learning about myself, because I think if I know who I am, complete with all of my iterations on a daily basis, this is primarily what makes me understand why I'm so happy being me. . . 

Thursday, 26 May 2016

The Sweet Escape. . .

If I could escape
I would, but first of all let me say
I must apologise for acting, stinking, treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk that fell on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator 
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold

Do you find yourself treating someone you're with, pretty cold? Like you start taking them for granted or you've become so familiar with them that you start treating them badly because you've let down your guard and let them into your life, to see the real person that you are, without inhibitions and without a full stop in sight.  We can easily start to blame others for the bad things that happen in our lives or for things that we do and expect them to save us from.  We find little things that annoy us that other people do to distract us from facing the realities of our own shortcomings.  It's human nature of course, but still, wrong to blame others for your own inadequacies and failings.

If I could escape
And recreate a place as my own world
And I could be your favourite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Tell me, boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

How easy would it be to create a perfect world of your choosing, complete with your favourite people and things in it, so that everything was to your exact specification?  We might find it's too challenging to do that within the confines of our own world at the moment so we choose to live in our heads or lose ourselves in the dreams in our heads, afraid to make things happen, lest we also fail at making our dreams realities as well.  Would that be a sweet life for you?

What can seem strange is when people try to build a life with you in it and you're not even aware.  There is a sense of flattery I guess when this happens, although you may also seem surprised at how much you mean to people and don't realise the impact that you have on them.  We all need to nurture our gifts and talents so that we can help other people do the same for themselves.

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
(Forever) we can make it better
Tell me, boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?
(Sweet escape)

The natural thing to do is to ask for forgiveness or be contrite and make reparations for any wrongdoing you have done to your loved ones if you act like a real loser.  You probably know a lot of people in your life who constantly do wrong by others, and just rely on making it up to them because they know they will always be forgiven.  You paint a pretty picture about what things will be like, this time around, but don't take into account how many times you keep hurting others.  If hurting people becomes a habit, then it becomes part of your inner psyche.  Will you be able to change this before it's too late?

You let me down
I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out
I need to get me out of this joint
Come on, let's bounce
Counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground

There might not be many people that you can relate to who can help you find some common ground.  This basis with which we try to find common ground is to establish connections that form a foundation on which to build and sustain this connection.  Do you have people who constantly count on you to turn them around?  Maybe they lack the confidence to make decisions for themselves because you come across as being so "well put together".  When someone creates their own private prison, how can we help them to escape?

So, baby, times getting a little crazy
I've been getting a little lazy
Waiting for you to come save me
I can see that you're angry
By the way that you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me
Want to take you with me. . . 

I hope that we are able to save each other from time to time.  Of course there will be times when you need to have your own sweet escape and get away from the saviour role that you seem to play quite often in your world.  I chuckle when I think about the notion of escaping somewhere with someone who may seem to be the cause of all of your problems, or who bring unnecessary drama to your life.  Sounds like your sweet escape might be from them.  Maybe you might need to leave them and not take you with them.  

When people try to make amends, sometimes it's like spilt milk.  You can either be forgiving and go get another glass of milk or swear yourself off milk altogether because someone has ruined your experience with milk forever.  I guess you just need to be more resilient with your milk. . .              

Sacrifice. . .

It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong

How are you with temptation?  Everyone has their own triggers about how to deal with temptation when it shows up in their lives.  It normally happens when you think issues have been resolved and you think you've made some good, solid decisions about how things are going to be, but I guess you never really believe things to be that way inclined (cue doubt, stage left), so your thoughts are only half-hearted and then you end up attracting more opportunities for what you are trying to avoid - to happen, again, but only if you let it (just this once).

Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes calling
And negativity lands

Even though the song talks about what married men can do, but you can't discount what married women can do too.  Is the deceit sweet enough to make you think twice about the things that you stand to lose if you entertain thoughts that you keep suppressed?  Are you willing to live with the consequences of your actions when you have spent so much time "trying to be good" and not really thinking critically about your hand in all of this drama - how you can shape or influence your own future based on what you do right now.  Where does the negativity land?  It has to land somewhere if you are contributing to negative outcomes, so I always find it amusing how often people act surprised when shit hits the fan - because they contributed to the shit (heck, they even started it) and expect no repercussions. Do you think you have the power to deflect and prevent this negativity from landing?  Sometimes we need to accept everything and expect nothing as far as negativity is concerned - because they show us lessons that we need to learn.

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

Will you let it pass through then?  You spend a lot of time feeling things that are either no longer there, or never really was, because you never entertained them in the first instance.  How do we know that we are hard done by people?  I guess it comes down to how you would like to be treated.  If how someone treats you makes you feel good about yourself, but the guilt kicks in and you instantly regret  it- then you have to question whether how they make you feel good is really genuine.  Otherwise it isn't real after all. It isn't authentic.  So can you lead a satisfying life that you worked hard to achieve success on your own merits without the fastest way with no moral code about how to hold yourself to the highest calls possible.  Doesn't it make sense to then pass through?  The only reason you would choose to hold on to things and people from your past, is because you are in denial about where you need to be and where you need to go.  This will involve you being able to make some hard decisions about your life that may not necessarily include them.  Someone once told me that I don't cut people off in my life unless I have really had to.  As much as I'm becoming more and more in tune with who I am and focusing on the positive things in life, one thing I have no qualms about doing is cutting negative people who serve purpose to a contribution that I want to be involved with in this world.

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds
But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

What are you prepared to sacrifice in your life to make it better?  A sacrifice implies that you surrender something, give something up that will help make you a better person too but more importantly, make someone else's life better.  Think of the greater good if you will.  Are you the type of person that relies on others to make decisions for you, or you wait for some good advice so that if things turn pear shaped you can blame listening to someone else for you not getting the outcome you wanted.  That's no accountability on your part then.  Can you become a heart living in a separate world from the other heart that you think belongs with you?  I guess it depends on what you are willing to sacrifice right?

Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act

Often when we make poor decisions we try to rationalise our part in it, or at least try to minimise the impact that it has on us as individuals, and then on others that we are hurting (albeit unintentionally).  What kind of sensitivity have you built up?  Have you locked yourself in your own private prison, to suffer alone because of poor decisions that are made beyond your control?  What will the final act be?  The final act denotes completion of a story, the climax of the story tells us if our hero or heroine has been able to conquer their fears, slay the dragon or be rescued by her prince, become the champion or superhero that they always wanted to be.  Will there be a twist in the plot?  Will we reach a natural conclusion?

We lose direction 
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns

I hope that when we lose direction in life, that we become more agile in our thinking and listen to ourselves and our instincts, our intuition to guide us to the right destination.  Will you be persistent and leave no stone unturned in your quest for happiness?  I think as we get older, we learn to disassociate ourselves with people who spark jealousy for no reason, who attract drama for no reason, who make us move from our fundamental beliefs and try to shift our perspectives for no reason other than - to change us because they like to control people.

I hope you develop the discernment to know who these people are when you come across them in your daily life.  You should be able to spot them in strangers like you see them walking towards you in public on the street, or when you hear them speak in a conversation.  Know the kind of people that you want to surround yourself in your life so that you don't have to compromise who you are, so that there's no need to make no sacrifice at all. . . 

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

I need you. . .

I guess after you have experienced something traumatic, something that completely drains you, particularly when you are affected by something that has forced you to confront feelings that you haven't felt before or don't recognise - it can all seem a little too much.  But the thing that you might start to feel is when you need someone.  There is that totally natural human desire to need someone in your life - someone who can be there for you and comfort you, support you, just be there.  

We used to laugh, we used to cry
We used to bow our heads then wonder why?
Now you're gone I guess I'll carry on
And make the best of what you've left to me
Left to me, left to me

I have always been interested and super attuned to people.  I have always been a good listener and try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but this totally depends of course on how they treat others, rather than their own expectations of treatment by others.  It is extremely important to keep hold of the essential people in your life who help you to be better, who help you to be better for yourself as well as to be better for others.  We can often doubt ourselves so much to the point that we rely too much on others for self worth and reassurance that we are on the right track.  If you were to do a stocktake on your life - closely examining all of the people that you choose to surround yourself with, would you still keep on the shelf or discard some of them, replace them with more high quality stock that would be more valuable to your customers. guaranteed to keep people coming back for more?  

I need you like the flower needs the rain
You know I need you 
Guess I'll start it all again
You know I need you
Like the winter needs the spring
You know I need you, I need you

How badly do you need people?  Are there times where you are quite content to just do your own thing and not be in contact with anybody?  How do you let people know that you need them?  Do you tell them or do you show them?  There is a sense of vulnerability that needs to be shared or at least understood between people, I mean that's how you know things are "real" as opposed to not.  Have you ever laid you soul bare to someone and let them know how much you need them?  It can be an overwhelming thing to see someone in such a state of vulnerability, and in the times when someone has shared their weaknesses and opened up to me in ways I didn't see coming, it is very humbling.  I know of people who have shared secrets with others and then it becomes exposed - obviously they trusted the wrong people.  

An' every day I'd laugh the hours away
Just knowin' that you were thinkin' of me
Then it came that I was put to blame
For every story told about me
About me, about me

Thoughts are much more powerful than people really understand. We can tend to not pay attention to the thoughts swimming around in our head and we don't acknowledge how our thoughts can intersect with our feelings, because we don't expect them to.  If you have people that think of you, it's usually a testament to the fact that they value you, making them feel good themselves and who they are must be a talent or skill that you possess.  Just as there may be "fans" in your life, you might also experience an equal amount, if not more, of some "haters", or people that can't wait to see you fail and make you second guess all of the good work that you do.  What are the stories that are told about you?  I have always maintained that it doesn't matter what the stories are about you - particularly if they aren't true, why the need to defend yourself?  There is always a way for the truth to shine through and your true character reflected.

Like the winter needs the spring
You know I need you
Guess I'll start it all again
You know I need you
I need you, I need you. . . 

If someone needs you, I hope that you consider that you share pieces of yourself that will help them.  Just be careful that you don't lose yourself in their drama and make you question helping other people who may really need you.  Relying on my intuition much more these days, I can safely say that I can sense with much more conviction who I choose to share myself with, because I know that the people who need me, know that I know that they need me, and that's alright with me.  It's what they want me, but don't need me, that's when the connection will come to its natural conclusion.

Sunday, 22 May 2016

A thousand years. . .

I miss you Loma - 3 years since the sun set on you - 22nd May 2013

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt 
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

Have you had your 'one step closer'?  Sometimes I think you don't realise when in your life you are meant to know that you are in your own step closer, until after the step has been made, and then you can only look back and think, wow I had it, I was there, I was in that step and it actually did bring me closer.  What did it bring you closer to?  The love of your life?  A time you can't recapture or relive?  At this time in my life, it makes me think about the love I lost when I lost my husband on that fateful day, Wednesday 22nd May 2013.  That day sparked the end of a life I had never even begun to enjoy or really understand I had lost, and instead, it opened a new life that I was reluctant to travel alone, complete with an overwhelming sense of guilt about being alive and living without him.  How can I even know what love means anymore when it died that day?  There will never be anything that comes close to it and I don't think there ever will.  I don't think you're supposed to feel something like that again, it's too magical.  But one thing is for sure, I am sure mighty glad that I have known love once.

I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you 
For a thousand years
I will love you
For a thousand more

In my darkest moments, I feel you around me.  
You would often say that even though you had never had a girlfriend before you met me, you knew that I was the one. Even your best friend at one stage would reveal to me that he had tried to question him to check whether he was making the right decision putting all his eggs into one basket by wanting to marry me.  You told him, she's the one I've been waiting for.  I never really appreciated the enormity of that until you left.  Because while you were waiting for me to appear in your life, now it feels like you are waiting for me to appear again in the after life.  

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
Standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I still remember walking down the aisle in the church with my parents on either side of me.  I watched you sing to me.  The wedding rehearsal the night before was a bit of disaster on your part as you had told the minister that you hadn't really practised and didn't have a song ready.  That was classic Loma though.  As a wedding pianist, I had seen the minister rip into the bride or groom for not being fully prepared for their part in the ceremony.  But you were charming.  The minister couldn't resist your smile and your cuddly teddy bear ways.  I smile when I think about how you can wriggle yourself out of situations with just your smile.  It's a gift I sometimes wish I had.  

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a  
Thousand years
I'll love for a 
Thousand more

I went to your brother's family service last night.  It was good to see the family again albeit under such tragic circumstances.  Everyone who got up to deliver their eulogies mentioned you.  I felt like there was no better place for me to be other than where I would be surrounded by people who loved you just as much as I do.  My favourite memory of you that someone shared was when you were all in Rarotonga for Des and Sitina's wedding and you were in the hotel pool.  Tourists crowded themselves around you and you waved Des over.  He was thinking what's with the crowd?  And you told him that you had told the crowd that you and your brother were WWF wrestling stars.  I remember you told me that story.  I laughed so hard because I had forgotten it until I heard it again.

I finally got to talk to your best friend Mila too.  It had been such a long time since I had seen him and speak to him.  It was good to see him.  I know how much he misses you too and how much you miss sharing stories with him and reminiscing about the mischief you got up to together.  I always laugh when I think about your stories with Mila because you always forget that you've told them to me probably 4 or 5 times but I didn't mind.  I just loved seeing how much you obviously treasured those moments with your friend. He will love you for a thousand years if not more too.

One step closer
One step closer. . . 

I am grateful to you for being such a great husband to me in life.  The things you shared with me, especially your little sayings and unique expressions - they always make me laugh.  When I encounter a difficult situation I always ask myself what you would do.  Then I smile and nod with confidence and go ahead with my game plan,  You always supported me in every endeavour I set my mind to and I know too, that even though I feel physically alone sometimes, I know I'm not spiritually because I feel you reach me through music and in my thoughts.  I truly treasure those times where I can feel you try to connect with me.  No matter how many earth years I have left, I will never be afraid to meet death once it knocks on my door, because it means that I will see you again, I will be one step closer. . . 

Thursday, 19 May 2016

Blackbird. . .

This blog post is in memory of Desmond Semeatu

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Do you have broken wings?  It tells me that you used to fly once but you've either injured yourself or someone or something has clipped your wings so you can no longer travel.  All your life you will come across people and things that will try to make you not want to fly anymore.  Of course, the worst would be if you no longer wanted to fly yourself.  I wonder sometimes where your mind goes to.  Is this why your wings are broken?  You've flown too far and your wings couldn't hold you anymore?  We find ourselves in this moment now, in this moment that has now arisen, what you were waiting for, where you will find peace that the world cannot give.  I understand that.  I have episodes myself where I think sometimes that this world is too cruel and not meant to be this hard surely?  But I don't think we are as weak as evil wants us to be, we are not as stupid as evil hopes us to be, so let's disappoint those who choose to harm us and learn to fly again.  Even if it means it's away from here.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free

What can we learn about how to see through sunken eyes?  We can see things through eyes of experience, through the story telling of people who have been there before us, who have experienced an intensity that we are apprehensive to see for ourselves and have no ability to comprehend until we arrive at that place, like going through a carwash for the first time as a child and you spend your time looking around all excitedly in the car, trying to capture what everything looks like, the sounds of the machinery whipping against the car windows.  Can we afford to be such spectators in our own lives?  Like we sit on a conveyor belt and wait to be scanned and put into a shopping bag because we've let ourselves be bought by some hungry shopper that we have allowed ourselves to be sold to?  Will we know what freedom tastes like and feels like if we haven't really ever been free?

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night

The dark black night has a light that will take you to where you want to go.  The symbolism of blackbirds is quite interesting to read.  Blackbirds can travel between worlds and see what we can't see.  There are people that are called blackbird medicine people who love to sing and they can entrance an audience if they choose to.  

You loved to sing and you loved being the centre of attention.  It was always entertaining to see you in your element.  When you told jokes and held court with your friends, it would always make me smile.  Sitina would look at me, roll her eyes and laugh.  Loma would chuckle and tell me, that's Des for you, the man.  

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

I hope that you use your wings to fly.  Towards the end of our connection, we spent most of the time preparing for Loma's unveiling in 2013 and now you're no longer with us.  I will remember the good conversations we had about music and how much you loved Elvis Presley.  I'm sure you will be sorely missed by all of your family and friends, in particular, your rock, your wife for life Sitina. 

I went to see her on Monday night when I heard the news, just to touch base and to let her know that I am here for her if she needs someone to talk to.  I think widows have ears and hearts that can help new widows come to grips with living a life without their partners.  I'm a strong believer in that - it's a life of living without their soulmate, rather than moving on.  In the end we just move.

Rest in peace Desmond Guy Menendez Semeatu.
You were only waiting for this moment to arise. . . 

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Can I walk with you. . .

I woke up this morning, you were the first thing on my mind
I don't know where it came from, all I know is I need you in my life
You make feel like I can be a better woman
If you just you wanna take this friendship to another place

I guess I haven't been blogging as much lately not because I haven't been inspired to write, but because there have been other pressing matters on my daily agenda that steals away my creative writing time.  I haven't been feeling very well either just lately, I put it down to not taking care of myself and stopping to smell the roses more often.  I've only recently discovered this song even though it's been around for a while, but I think it resonates quite strongly with me right now, because it has made me think about memories of my distant past and makes me smile about things that have been hidden in the corners of my mind.

Can I walk with you through your life?
Can I lay with you as your wife?
Can I be your friend till the end?
Can I walk with you through your life?

This blog post has been sitting in my draft folder for the past week and now I'm sick (oh the joy of being in winter in the southern hemisphere).  Have you found someone that you want to walk with throughout their lives?  Throughout your own life?  I guess I ask these questions because I'm unaware sometimes about how much we can have a positive impact on others.  Most of the time you're just trying to help others because it is in your capacity to do this, so you don't think much about it.  I guess I'm not sure if I want to be someone's wife again, but I can say for certain that I wouldn't mind being friends with people till the end of my life.  

You've got me wondering, if you know that I'm wondering about you
The feeling is so strong that I can't imagine you're not feeling it too, yea
You've known me long enough to trust that I want what's best for you
If you wanna be happy then I am the one that you should give your heart to

When you are in sync with people, you will find that they will contact you when you least expect them to, but it's this telepathic wavelength or frequency if you will, because they seem to tune into you, or at least be uber aware of you because they seem to search for things about you during their day, as if it acts as some kind of comfort to know that you are doing something worthwhile, because it makes them feel good about their own lives - not in schadenfraude kind of way, but more as an inspirational thing that makes them want to strive to be better.

Now everybody ain't gonna be like the summer's day
Being in love for real, it ain't like a movie screen
But I can tell you all the drama aside 
You and I can find what the worlds been looking for forever
Friendship and love together

I guess chance would be a fine thing if you could find friendship and love together.  You either get one or the other, but very rarely would you get both.  If you're one of the lucky few that has experienced both, you are very lucky indeed.  I think the more that you know yourself, the more you would be able to connect much more deeply with others, because you start to learn how you can answer the call in some people's hearts who want to be accepted.

Can I walk with you through your life till the day
That stops turning?
Can I walk with you till the day that my heart stops beating 

It is a difficult month.  On the 22nd of May it will be 3 years since I lost my husband and on the morning of Monday 16th May, his older brother passed away in tragic circumstances - only 6 days before the anniversary.  Even though their hearts have stopped beating, I am sure that they continue to walk alongside me and my sister in law as we navigate ourselves through our lives without them.  People talk alot about moving on, it really isnt'.  It's more about living without.  How do you live a life without someone who loved you unconditionally?  It's not easy is the first thing that comes to mind.

Can I, can I walk with you through your life
Can I walk with you till the day that the birds can no longer take flight
Till the moon is underwater
Can I walk with you?

Can I walk with you?

As I think about how much my life has changed without having my husband in my life, I have learned to distance myself from the guilt that people have tried to impose on me.  If you are a widow or widower, you'll know what I'm talking about - I'm talking about the concept that if you lose your spouse, you are meant to be in a perpetual state of grief or people try to dictate a "respectable" length of time to grieve.  It's not something that can prescribed like a course of medication.  It's a daily affair and one that people will not be able to navigate or negotiate or wrangle for themselves until they experience it too.  It's not something I would wish on my own worst enemy to experience, it is pain that once you think has disappeared, can return as quickly as a smell, sound or taste of something can manifest.

You are everything I've been looking for
Can I walk with you?
Creative individual
Can I walk with you?
Through your life
Can I walk with you?
As your wife
Can I walk with you. . . 

I hope that you can walk through your life with confidence and assurance.  I know this will take time and it will seem like you will not be able to get up and even consider walking but this is what this life is about.  We are meant to get up when we get knocked down, we are meant to think about what we want to leave behind in this world to show how much we cared about those we leave behind.  I'm not saying that I want to be famous, because I don't.  I just want to be at peace with myself and do something that is greater than me, that will make others greater than they thought possible about themselves and just be in constant joy. In a world that doesn't give us much joy, I say we can find it if we know how to see joy and happiness in things and people that colour our lives. 

When people want me to walk with them in their life, I will, but only because you need me to, so that you can start to walk through life on your own.  Just as I have :-)

Monday, 9 May 2016

Don't you remember. . .

Normally during May I would be writing about NZ Music Month.  I have done so for the past two years.  However this year, I don't have the capacity in terms of time to commit to writing consistently, hence the reason for my lack of posts in the past month.  This doesn't mean I've forgotten about my blog, but rather, just adjusting to other priorities that are taking precedence over my blog writing.

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye
Not a single word was said
No final kiss to seal anything
And I had no idea of the state we were in

There will come a time when you start to think about unfinished business in your life and you might come across someone that you once shared a strong connection, but you no longer do.  There is something that happens in your mind when your eyes meet again.  It might be some kind of chemistry (or chemical imbalance, depending on how you look at it to be honest), and you struggle to get some closure on something that is beyond your control.  How do you cope with the change in this way?  To cope with the changes in circumstances and wondering and lingering on what might have been, or rather, what never really was.

I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head
But don't you remember, don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby please remember once more

If you have a fickle heart, then why force someone to remember?  You were never faithful to begin with so why bring all this sentimentality upon yourself - is it because you are hopeful that something can be rekindled?  How do you even know that they loved you before?  Isn't the reason why they have moved on so quickly, is because you were never memorable enough to begin with?  Is this harsh?  Yes.  But more often than not, harsh reality is what is required to ensure that you're not finding daydreaming and fantasising on supposed relationships that had no real meaning or foundation.

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memories?
'Cause I often think about where I went wrong
And the more I do, the less I know

I think if you continue to try and maintain contact when someone has moved on, that is a sure sign that you need to find something else (or someone else) to occupy your thoughts.  There really is no point in trying to figure out where things went wrong, because they were just, well, wrong.  We spend far too much time trying to understand why things are in relationships and then just forget that we are meant to be exploring our feelings.  If someone completely erases you from their memory, then they shouldn't be worth remembering either, because they have found you easy to forget.

Oh I gave you the space so you could breathe
And I kept my distance so you could be free
And hope that you find the missing piece
To bring you back to me

Giving each other space can start the course to a tricky situation.  When someone wants space it's because they are trying to figure out whether you are someone who they want to be with or they are having doubts about how they feel about you (or they can't feel anything for you anymore).  When someone requests space and can't tell you how long they need space for - that's a surefire way to know that you are on the road to splitsville and there isn't anything you can do about it, especially if it is meant to end but you have been trying to hang on all of these years.

Why don't you remember, don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before
Baby please remember that you used to love me
When will I see you again?

I hope that when someone falls out of love with you, and seems to have forgotten how you made them feel, that you are able to step back and away from such a situation.  There is nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't love back.  And the only reason that's plausible is the fact that if their love for you has ended, do yourself a favour and accept it.  There is nothing worse than trying to hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held by you.

I hope that you make memories with people worth remembering.  It is easier said than done - but if you don't need to forget yourself anymore.  You can start putting other people's needs before your own.  Surely you remember what life was like before you thought that you had to give so much of yourself away that you are now barely recognisable.  Do you remember what life was like for you back then?  Don't you wish you could go back there and be at peace again.  I had never seen you happier as I did then.  You were beautiful then - don't you remember. . . 

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Let's go crazy. . .

Dearly beloved 
We are gathered here today
To get through this thing called life

I think the world is still in a state of shock.  The musical genius that is Prince has passed away.  Much of my childhood has had his music playing in the background in some shape or form, right alongisde Michael Jackson.  They're probably collaborating right now or laughing about the famous story of why Prince chose to turn down participating in the Bad music video.  It's taken me so long to write this blog post because I've been trawling through his impressive discography reminiscing about where and when I first heard these classic tracks.

Electric word life
It means forever and that's a mighty long time
But I'm here to tell you
There's something else
The after world

Who will you see in the after world?  What will you expect to see?  I always think about What dreams may come starring the late Robin Williams and how we navigate ourselves through unknown spaces that we won't know until we experience it.  I haven't been able to feel a lot lately, but mostly because this is the month that I lost my husband, so thoughts of the after world always fill my mind at this time.  It's only natural right?

A world of never ending happiness
You can always see the sun, day or night

Never ending happiness may seem unachievable in our lifetime, because it seems so unattainable, and something that is not meant to happen in this imperfect life that we lead.  Pragmatists would say that if you want to see the sun at night then move to Alaska, because that's where you can live in constant sunlight, even when the warmth is hard to come by during most of the year.  Who is your sun if it isn't the physical one?  If you find never ending happiness lacking in the world, then you must seek the sun within yourself.  It's the only thing that makes sense to me.

So when you call up that shrink in Beverly Hills
You know the one, Dr. Everything'll Be Right
Instead of asking him how much of your time is left
Ask him how much of your mind, baby

Take care of your mind.  It is a precious thing to have.  If you don't use it, you lose it.  If you overuse it. you might lose it then too.  I have been having chats with friends in recent months about losing loved ones to mental illnesses and we all agree that we can often be afraid of what we can't see.  How can we support someone who is going through things we can't see.  I'm not saying that we need to see evidence of trauma to know it exists.  It just means that even if we don't know the right questions to ask so we can get some answers. it's just enough to be there.

Cause in this life
Things are much harder than in the after world
In this life
You're on your own

The thing about the after world is that you don't get to come back and tell people about what it looks like because to fully cross over would mean that you have less of a chance of coming back.  There are many accounts that are easily to find of people who have had near death experiences but we don't know what that actually feels like.  Do you think the after world is like an after party?  Where you get to do things you've always wanted but could never do in this world?  Depends on what you believe in doesn't it.

And if the elevator tries to bring you down
Go crazy, punch a higher floor

Who tries to bring you down in this life?  Is this what is making it harder for you to follow your dreams and live the life you were always meant to live?  For whatever reason when we start to feel like the wheels on the wagon are starting to fall off, then we can start thinking about how we can put those wheels back on, slow down the wagon so you can disembark or alternatively, just let it rip and go out guns blazing with the wagon to see where you end up, just surrender to the moment.

If you don't like the world you're living in
Take a look around you
At least you got friends. . . 

Rest in peace Prince Rogers Nelson.

I have watched as many video clips, interviews and appearances that Prince made and the conspiracy theories continue to circulate.  I don't know if the world will ever see another like him (not in my lifetime).  Even though I listened so much to Michael Jackson growing up as a child, Prince was always there in the background, like some trusty and reliable yet temperamental diva of an aunt who refused to let bygones be bygones.  He threw serious shade on anyone who dared to manipulate him and I totally respect what he stood for and how he valued himself.  I hope that we continue to learn more about his legacy, reflecting on what he represented - an original, one of a kind musician who loved to be himself and gave zero f***s about his critics, following through on his master plan of autonomy and enjoying life on his own terms.  Why should we restrain ourselves and suppress who we are really meant to be when it's easy enough to just acknowledge and celebrate life, let yourself go and let's go crazy. . .