Friday, 11 March 2016

I don't know how to love him. . .

I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days, when I've seen myself
I seem like someone else

Sometimes you can be unsure about why you come across people, or the fact that people come into your life without any sufficient reason or easily understood purpose.  I think that's what serendipitous moments or fate, destiny, call it what you will, seems to throw at you when you least expect.  Do you actively reflect about the connections, friendships and relationships that you have in your life?  I think it's really important for you to consider these, because they are about as tenuous as a toothpick keeping a window open.  I find it fascinating when you struggle to figure someone out, not knowing how or why they think the way they do.  It can be the difference between awkward or comfortable silences - one finds you a nervous wreck while the other wraps you up like a warm woollen blanket.

I don't know how to take this
I don't know why he moves me
He's just a man, he's just a man
And I've had so many men before
In very many ways
He's just one more

What sets people apart in your mind?  Do you genuinely want to label or put a name on what makes people gravitate towards you or alternatively speak ill of you?  When you are confronted with questions about why you are connected, you will come to understand that it's more to do with people trying to understand a rapport or a bond of kindred spirits that defy explanation.  When you are confronted with questions about why you are disconnected, you will come to understand that it's more to with people trying to denigrate or cast aspersions on what they can't explain about you, the undefinability that seems to hang heavy in the air that nobody can see, but everybody can definitely feel.

Should I bring him down?
Should I scream and shout?
Should I speak of love,
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?

How sure and certain are you about yourself?  Do you trust your thought process, your actions and where you intend to end up?  Do you understand yourself well enough to know what triggers good or bad decision making?  Do you understand yourself well enough to know what influences good or bad decision making in others around you?  How do we cope with not knowing how to do things and faking it until we make it?  I used to think that indecision was a horrible state to find yourself in, but I quickly realised that it's ok to be lost, feel lost, until you learn how to figure things out, fly by the seat of your pants and learn things the hard way, the long way, until you find your way.

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position
I'm the one who's always been
So calm, so cool, no lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so

It's ok to be scared.  I just don't think that you need to let your fear consume you.  It can be a dangerous position to be in when you allow yourself to be scared and fearful in this way - you should probably spend some time knowing how fear manifests itself in you, what triggers it but more importantly how you can allow yourself to overcome it.  How can you push past your fear?  Name what you are scared of, push past it and let the fear die that painful death that it should.

I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?

There's that plateau we reach when we can't decide whether we're coming or going.  How do we cope with this in our hectic lives, when we're rushing around being all busy and not taking the time to explore the openness of that plateau, that the barrenness of it may be exactly where you need to be to take some time out and start feeling about things and people rather than filling your head space thinking about it all the time.  What's the "it" anyway?

Yet if he said he loved me
I'd be lost, I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope
I'd turn my head, I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so
I love him so. . . 

I hope that once you allow the fear to subside, that you will be able to figure out how you are meant to love others.  When someone tells you that they care for you and have labelled you as something special in their life, then accept it.  We can often read too much into things, misconstrue something, get signals wrong, and not understand what we're feeling inside when we spend time with people.  All of those unknown variables, I tend to think it's ok to feel those things.  We are in a rush to try and figure things out, to set our minds at ease, when in fact, all we need to do is spend the time trying to understand what we look like and feel when we stumble across unexpected junctures or junctions in our life journeys.  I guess one thing I can be certain of is I don't know how to love him. . .