Sunday, 21 February 2016

Everyone's waiting. . .

This blog post is a tribute to Sophia Hawthorne
Rest in peace beautiful girl :-)

I know all the lines to say
The part I'm expected to play
But in the reflection I am worlds away

You were always very good at lines.  Being an actress meant that you had to learn a lot of lines so that you could portray a character through the words that you spoke, then intersperse some gestures and appropriate movements that linked those lines together.  I sometimes wondered how much of yourself you injected into those characters and whether those characters became that much more alive because of what you brought to those roles.

As I put my costume on
Eyelashes one by one
Been doing this so long I can tie the knot
Behind my back

Nobody can fault your professionalism.  You had a precociousness about you and a maturity that was all wrapped in one huge package.  It kind of made you untouchable in a way because you always seemed to fill a room every time you walked into it.  Even when the classroom was near crowded to capacity, but if you came late and entered the room, it was like the room wasn't alive until you entered it.  That's what you brought to a room - it wouldn't come to life without your presence, and a room seemed more beautiful because of your presence.

And everyone's waiting
But it's getting harder to hear what my heart is saying
Cos everyone's waiting

We were in a few classes together at high school but didn't travel in the same social circles.  This was because I was into music while you were into drama and school productions, even we had them, weren't as big as I guess they are now, these days. The whole school rejoiced when you landed the role of Juliet in Michael Hurst's production of Romeo and Juliet opposite Jeremy Brennan.  I have a photographic memory so I can still remember the photo that was taken of you both in the photo archives of my mind - you facing towards the reporter but looking off into the distance, while your Romeo, not the focus of the picture, looked at you but from a distance.  Even in that instance, he seemed to be waiting for you.

"Just swallow and breathe" she says
"Remember this ain't for you, it's for them
And all those painful lessons you've had to learn
You gotta use them now or never"

I think about the painful lessons I've had to learn, especially when you have to play a role for other people, rather than for yourself.  Did you ever feel that pressure too?  If you did, I never saw it.  I think we can become really skilful at hiding our true selves, not because we are deliberately being secretive, but because there are just some things that we keep close to our chests that we dare not disclose.  I think when the time comes to stop learning lessons, the greatest pain will be letting people know we no longer need to learn, but just be.

Cos everyone's waiting

But it's getting harder to hear
What my heart keeps saying
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

Do we follow what our hearts say?  If we allow ourselves to continually answer to everyone's expectations of ourselves, when do we get to entertain our expectations of ourselves?  There's something to be said about following your heart and trying to balance that with the weight of people's expectations on you.  Are we allowed to turn off their expectations?  When do we allow ourselves to answer the calls within our own hearts and live up to our own expectations?

When everyone's waiting
It makes it harder to hear what my heart keeps saying
Turn it off, I wanna turn it all off

When I reflect on your life and how you connect to me, I'm not sure if you know how much you have taught me.  Thinking about your life, it is common for people to start thinking about their own mortality, about what contributions to society and to the world that they can make before their time is through.  I think people need to start trusting their hearts more and tell more people about what is in their hearts.  Do you think we don't tell people what's in our hearts because we don't think they will understand us?  Do you think they won't understand us when we want to turn everything off in our lives and just stand still for a minute to catch our breath?  I wonder if things are harder to hear because we've forgotten how to hear.

But everyone's waiting
I hear that answers appear when you just stand still
But make it all, how do you make it all stop
When everyone's waiting?
Everyone's waiting. . . 

Thank you for all you have contributed to the world.
I am really grateful for the beauty of your craft that you shared.  The perceptions I held of you in our school days didn't change much as we entered adulthood.  Instead, I admired and celebrated your successes from afar, happy that you were sharing your immense gift of story telling and talent for connecting with others.

Even though our world will continue to turn without you, I acknowledge that you have made my world stop, even for a moment these past couple of days since hearing of your passing, to appreciate you and acknowledge how empty life will be without you.

I guess everyone will have to wait for you until they see you again.

Rest in peace Sophia.  Love and light be with you always.