Friday, 22 January 2016

Try it on my own. . .

Conversation series: Final conversation with a friend

People can always try and dismiss you and think that you don't know what to do with your life.  It's always easy to judge others and believe what society tells us about what we should do with our lives, because this is what we've been taught in school as young children, this is how we have been conditioned, this is what has contributed to our human condition.  

I'm wiser now, 
I'm not the foolish girl you used to know
So long ago
I'm stronger now
I've learned from my mistakes which way to go 
And I should know
I put myself aside to do it your way
But now I need to do it all alone

You've never suggested that I needed to be someone different, but just to trust my instincts and intuition about who I really am.  I don't think that people can ever really handle who you really are because there seems to be this idea that you need to be someone more exciting or exotic, heck, even synthetic, but that has never interested me.  I think you saw that about me and probably wondered how I've managed to get through life relatively unscathed and undamaged despite what life has thrown in my direction.

 It's over now
I can't go back to living through your eyes
Too many lies
And if you don't know by now
I can't go back to being someone else
Not anymore
I've had a chance to do things my way
So now it's time for me to take control

I don't know what you want to do with your life.  I don't think you even know for yourself.  I think it has more to do with how much are you willing to relinquish in order to make other people's lives better.  It's hard isn't it - to have that ultimate sacrifice - to give up your own dream in order to be present in reality.  I guess this is why I was meant to meet you at this point of my life - in order to give up my reality  in order to be present in my dream.  What better way to learn about living my dreams than consorting with a dreamer?

Oh I start again go back to one
I'm running things my way
Can't stop me now, I've just begun
Don't even think about it
There's ain't no way about it
I'm taking names, the ones of mine
Yes I'm gonna take my turn
It's time for me to finally stand alone, stand alone

I've seen the effect that you have on people who come into contact with you and as much as I admit, that I would've been under that spell for some time as well, it's time for me to take my turn and finally stand alone.  The biggest lesson from 2015 was not believing in myself that much (even though it appeared to those who were less further along the path of enlightenment and soul searching that I had it together).  Thank you for teaching me that lesson.  You didn't explicitly teach me, because you actually taught me without knowing.  I believe the greatest teachers are often the ones who do it without realising it.

And I am not afraid to do it on my own
I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'll keep it real you know
Time for me to do it on my own

I hope that you find some resolution in your life that gives you the peace that you seek.
Thanks for sharing your tortured moments with me, because as much as it taught me how to be a good friend to you, it taught me a lot about how to handle my own torturous moments and become who I am today.  

I think we need to stop living fake lives, like right now.
I think we need to stop pretending to be what people want us to be, rather than who we are.
I'm looking forward to people being able to take me as I am, no matter what I'll keep it real you know, time for me to do it on my own. . .