Sunday, 3 January 2016

I don't want to change you. . .

Wherever you are, Well, know that I adore you
No matter how far, Well, I can go before you
And if you ever need someone, Well, not that you need helping
But if you ever want someone, I know that I am willing

I think it's hard to accept help from people sometimes.  It may be because you're always the strong one and you always keep it together, you're the fixer, you're the superhero that everyone wants to be but can't fathom the lengths you go through to ensure everyone else is safe, while you sacrifice it all.  Has anybody ever offered to help you?  Have they gone before you, left you, but left you with this offer of support?  It's hard to accept because nobody usually offers to do anything right?  So what do you do?  Accept with caution?  I guess you've been living in a constant state of expecting nothing and accepting everything.  Why would this time be any different?

Oh, and I don't want to change you
I don't want to change you
I don't want to change your mind
I just came across a manger
Out among the danger
Somewhere in a stranger's eye

It's hard to develop trust when all you've ever experienced has been so many levels of broken trust, damaged beyond repair and not really understanding  - is this how life will always be for me?  Why should I expect more than what I have already been given?  Who teaches us to not want more than we have?  Who teaches us to stop dreaming and chastising us for trying to think outside the square?  Who teaches us to conform and behave in ways that everybody else does and completely ignoring what you're trying to say, completely ignoring what your voice sounds like?  Have you heard yourself with your own voice?  I wonder sometimes what they see in the manger when we are constantly in danger, surrounded by strangers' eyes and even when we feel the weight of all of those strangers' eyes on our every move, judging us - you must be confident enough in yourself to know you don't need to change.  Not for them.  Not for anyone.

Wherever you go, Well, I can always follow
I can feed this real slow, If it's a lot to swallow
And if you just want to be alone, Well, I can wait without waiting
If you want me to let this go, Well, I am more than willing

I wonder sometimes why you even bother feeding this real slow.  I don't think I can swallow what you're offering, in your waiting-but-not-waiting way that you have about you.  But I don't think I can let you go just yet either, even when I don't know what this is anyway.  I think I do want to be alone, there is solitude and a peace that the world can't offer and I worry too much that the noise of the world can interfere with my thoughts.  Do you feel that way too?  I don't even want to know the answer to that.  I ask too many rhetorical questions don't I?  I guess that's what you love about our conversations.  I understand, if I just gave the word - you would give this all up.

I've never been with anyone
In the way I've been with you
But if love is not for fun
Then it's doomed, 'cause

Water races, water races down the waterfall
The water races, water races down the waterfall

But isn't that what connections are supposed to be like?  You're meant to always feel like never being in this way with anyone.  I know that when people have said, it was often said because that's what they thought I wanted to hear and I would only realise this after the fact.  I thought that was inadvertently a really mean thing to say because words carry much weight with me, even though you can't see words unless they are printed on a page or appear on a screen, but words have a way of making you feel their weight when they connect with your heart.  So I take words quite seriously, even when you don't sometimes.  My word is my bond.  All I"ve been doing is bonding with people.

And I don't want to change you
I don't want to change you
I don't want to change your mind
I just came across a manger
Where there is no danger
Where love has eyes and is not blind. . . 

I hope that this year you will find what it is that you are searching for.
It can be quite challenging to figure out for yourself what your true heart's desires are.
I think that's something that everyone goes through.  From the greatest heartbreaks and heartaches, comes new ways of feeling that you didn't realise existed, and that's because you open yourself up to testing the strength of your heart in the many faces of adversity and trials that can overwhelm you if you let it.  I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want to change you either. . .