Sunday, 29 November 2015

Have a little faith in me . . .

This blog post is dedicated to the memory of Tufou Faanana - gone too soon

I haven't blogged in a few days because I've been out of town staying on a marae for work, spending time with my Māori colleagues.  You often commented to me about the amount of travel I do for work and how lucky I was.  I had to tell you that it isn't really lucky in that sense, but rather more a necessity of the job as the head office is in Christchurch while I live in Auckland.  

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark
And have a little faith in me

Yesterday I looked through some songs and came across this track when I heard it featured on an episode of Nashville sung by the characters Daphne Conrad and Luke Walker.  Today I found out that you had passed away, specific details not really clear to me at this stage, but I don't even need to know.  All I know is that you're gone and I'm in shock.  I had to call +Luisa Magasiva to confirm the news was true.  Tears are flowing as I write this because I managed to find the last conversation we had on Facebook Messenger.  We didn't know each other very well, but the few conversations we have had online, you shared with me some things about you that I didn't know about you, things you didn't reveal in conversations we had face to face at various church events that we would see each other.

And when the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try
And have a little faith in me

You talked a lot about wanting to make a difference in the domestic violence area, and even talked to various organisations and other people who lead these campaigns to gain a greater understanding and insight into what is happening for Pasifika in these circles.  I admired that about you.  It was a huge shift from your initial thinking about what you had dreamed of doing.  I think now about how your loving arms would've helped so many Pasifika families if you had been able to fulfil your vision.

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

I guess it's hard to invite someone to have faith in you, when you don't have faith in yourself.  I think one of the greatest tragedies is to go through life without believing in yourself, because nobody has seen the potential in you, has never see the good in your eyes, heart and soul; when people aren't willing or just basically incapable of realising your earnest nature, your real desire to contribute to the world.  Why is it so hard to believe people when they have these secret dreams tucked away in their secret heart, because the world may not as receptive to what you hold in your mind's eye?

When your secret heart 
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

You had many secret desires in your heart.  Writing was one of them.  You had a great desire to write your own book but wanted to start off small with blogging.  In fact, you first messaged me saying how much you enjoyed reading my blog and you were curious about who I was writing about, whether it was about myself or someone else.  I think about the plans you had in place for your new year's resolutions and my heart sinks when I think about you not being able to bring them to fruition yourself in this world, but hopefully you will see others bring your dreams and secret desires to life for you.

And when your back's against the wall
Just turn around and you will see
I will catch, I will catch your fall baby 
Just have a little faith in me

You talked a lot about your family, how much you loved your parents and how much they made you laugh with your Dad in particular, always being so protective of you as a child and teaching you to be an independent woman, and then as you got older there was the constant questions about when you were going to get married because they were anxious to hold grandchildren in their arms.  We would laugh about those moments because I told you that my parents were adamant that I would never remarry, yet my own church people were insistent that I join the circle of married people again.  Luckily the feminist in you was always on hand to speak about what issues we should be trying to improve for ourselves, whether it be through providing better programmes to deal with victims of  domestic violence or entertaining the idea of female ministers within our denomination (yes, very deep conversations indeed).

Well I've been loving you for such a long time girl
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend
'Cause for us there is no end
And all you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your love gives me strength enough. . . 

I hope that you find peace Tufou.
I will miss your inquiring mind and your beautiful smile.
I will also miss hearing your voice, especially your singing voice.
You leave behind many broken hearts, probably more than you ever actually realised.
Thank you for reaching out to me that day and having that conversation.  It prompted me to reach back out to you and have a quick catch up just to follow up on what you were doing.
I will continue to write for you.  It was humbling to know that my words touched you.
I hope that you watch over your sisters and your parents.  You will never be replaced.

Manuia lou malaga Tufou.  Thanks for helping me to restore my faith in humanity :-)