Saturday, 31 October 2015

Ready for love. . .

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity. . . 

I love this song.  To my knowledge, it isn't one of the more famous of India Arie's songs but it is an extremely poignant and hauntingly beautiful song.  The lovely blend of the acoustic, piano and cello/double bass all lend itself to capturing the heart strings that I believe are tugged quite extensively in this track.  I like the way in which the instruments accent specific parts of the song by filling in where the vocal line ends, offering some countermelodies and motifs that help to give the song some texture and harmonic effect.

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace

Being ready for love means that you must be prepared to take the good with the bad.  If you only wanted all of the good parts of love - you're not getting an accurate picture of what it means to fight for love, when to fight for yourself within that love, particularly when you fall out of love.  Is it becoming much easier these days to fall out of love than fall into it?  Is it because society teaches us some romanticised views of how we should see love?  Being ready love means that you must also be prepared to invest the time and energy to sustain that love, so that whenever obstacles start to loom in your path, you can respond to anything this journey of love throws at you.

Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

What do potential partners say about you?  Is it much easier for them to say things about you, rather than say things about themselves?  I find it fascinating when we play this little dance, when there is that unbalance that can exist for a whole host of reasons; but the key thing that remains is that we need to be able to communicate openly, be honest enough that we can handle our own pride and egos without resorting to malice or other misinformed intentions that will threaten to eclipse any learning that you were supposed to gain from such experiences.  If they keep popping up for you, then it means that you didn't adequately deal with those issues in the first instances that were presented to you.

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge that I am here

The chorus of the song has all of the hallmarks of a woman in the throes of her confession, admitting to her willingness to reveal her feelings to her love interest, maybe just to the world in general.  If you're like me, a (relatively) young widow, you cam't imagine yourself being ready for love, let alone ready to face each new day that brings with it, another reminder of life without love.  But I must say, that I don't think it's healthy, the longer that I have survived and the longer he is gone from this world - to close yourself from love, irrespective of what shape or form it might come - handed to you, or your stumble across, or you didn't realise it was under your nose the whole time and you don't quite know what to do with it.

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect the spirit's world
And thinks with his heart

The melismatic treatment of heart at the end of this verse makes me think about how much we feel with this beloved organ.  We are taught to believe and understand that the heart holds all of the love that we are meant to pour out to one another - especially to the sole object of our affections, passion and fidelity.  However, I think it is also totally possible to be ready to love so many different types of people who give you pieces or segments of what touches you personally - someone who loves music, another who loves art, another who respects the spirit world, while another thinks with his heart.  It's hard to find everything that ticks all of your boxes in one complete tidy neat little (actually big not little) package of a man.

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

When we want to change somebody, we must first be able to get them to be able to confront who they currently are - what is it that they bring to the table of your relationship?  Are they happy being who they are?  Do they want your support to be able to do something that they are scared to achieve?  If so. take your time.  It takes a lot to be able to trust anybody if you are unfamiliar with how to be taught, especially if you are not a teachable person to begin with.  How are you meant to improve your self-belief if you won't let others believe in your potential first?  I honestly believe that you learn more about yourself and your self expectations if you are able to acknowledge what the other person can see for themselves too; and it's also the best way to grow together.

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My eyes
My soul
My mind

To me this simple list reveal the greatest things that you can offer someone to show that you are ready for love - things that reveal the truest form of you, the best version of yourself - your voice, eyes, soul and mind.  What things can you offer to bring?  What are the things that you are able to do with what you have on offer?  How do you know that it's enough?  I think the reason this list of things about you, shows me that they are the very things that are essential ingredients in the recipe for being ready for love - a voice to speak up, eyes to see what's really going on, your soul to know if you can become soul mates and finally your mind so that you can connect it with your voice to be able to speak your mind.

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready. . . 

Something's gotten hold of my heart. . .

The previous blog posts have centred quite squarely on relationships and conversations with friends and colleagues about them and when I'm being asked things that make me think about what my own reflections and opinions are on such matters, it has compelled me to write about them here.  Today's blog post is no exception in this Gene Pitney classic with Marc Almond.   

Something's gotten hold of my heart
Keeping my soul and my senses apart
Something's gotten hold of my life
Cutting its way through my dreams like a knife
Turning me up, and turning me down
Making me smile, and making me frown

Do you know what that something is for you?  What could possibly be powerful enough to keep your soul and senses apart?  There are also as many things that could cut through your life and equally as many things that turn you up and down, make you smile and make you frown.  That emotional roller coaster that you are on, whether it's because you've allowed someone to force you to take a ride on it - it's totally understandable that you would probably do more than smile or frown, but most likely scream for it to stop so that you can get off.

In a world that was war
I once lived in a time that was peace and no troubles at all
But then you came my way
And a feeling of unknown shook my heart 
Made me want you to stay
All of my nights and all of my days

Have you ever met anyone who sparks that feeling of the unknown in your heart?  I've seen incidents and situations where people get along so well that they are fully so into each other that an obsession or a compulsion to always be in touch can eventuate.  Your life could've been perfectly on the lovely sedate road of calm until someone enters it and starts trashing everything in sight much like an angry rock band in a hotel room.  The funny thing is, once that feeling of unknown has shook your heart, it's too hard (well, it will take some time and patience) to even get things back to some semblance of your "normal", I mean, can we ever go back?  Somehow I don't think you can ever really return, and even if you did - it's not quite the same.

(Yeah I gotta tell you now)
Something's gotten hold of my hand
Dragging my soul to a beautiful land
Yeah something has invaded my night
Painting my sleep with a colour so bright
Changing the grey, and changing the blue
Scarlet for me and scarlet for you

I don't know if it's a good thing to have your sleep coloured scarlet.  Doesn't that mean symbolically that your dreams are in some state of high alert (oh no sorry that's red).  Scarlet I associate with is more to do with clandestine and surreptitious meetings under the cover of darkness.  Do you think that you could handle scarlet painted sleep forever?  That seems like a long time.  I think it's important that we can have scarlet sleep sometimes, but not all the time.  Wouldn't you want to see some other colours in there for some variety?

I got to know if this is the real thing
I got to know it's making my heart sing
You smile and I am lost for a lifetime
Each minute spent with you is the right time
Every hour, every day
You touch me and my mind goes astray, yeah
Baby, baby. . . 

I hope that whoever owns that smile that makes you feel lost for a lifetime, can also help you regain some perspective before they disappear.  I think that as intense and delirious a state as you will be in, you must be prepared for some ways to help you keep your heart singing, even when there is a likely possibility that it will be broken at its worst or slightly bruised at its best.  In any case, enjoy those moments when your heart sings.  Do you even need to know if it's the real thing?  Just "be" in the moment :-)

Thursday, 29 October 2015

You don't really know me. . .

This blog is dedicated to all the misunderstood people out there. . . you know who you are. . . 

There is probably nothing worse than being misunderstood.  When you become what seems to be that invincible and indispensable someone, that someone who is relied upon for so many things, in so many situations, that it can almost feel like you're some kind of superhero, but without the costume.  People start to question whether you're real or there are some clones of you that exist because it seems like nothing seems to bring you down, nothing stands in your way and nothing prevents you from being the best YOU there is.

The girl who always says yes, wants to scream no
Takes over everyone's stress, ignores her own
The life and soul of the party
But loves to stay home
She says she's not broken hearted, but cries on her own

It can be extremely draining being the life of the party.  People expect big things from you and classify you in the "cool crew" which I find hilarious because there's no such thing, just the perception that you're a cool person, but cool people already know, they're actually not trying to be cool - the reason that they're cool is that they are just being free, they are being themselves.  Does this mean that if everyone just acted like themselves, then that would make them cool too?  Yes, it's totally possible.  Cool people just are, but it's hard to get to know them because they don't waste time with other people who don't live the same philosophies, don't follow the same thought processes and don't do things in a way that is as easy as breathing - it's effortless.  Why should you have to try to be someone you're not?

Playing pretend, I shouldn't hide it
It isn't right, being a liar
I'm crossing the line, dancing with fire
When I'm not fine, should I deny it

The thing about playing with fire is that you do it knowing full well what the possible consequences will be.  Playing with fire means that there is a possibility of a spectrum of things happening - from something crazy and magical to something that's worst case scenario and the carnage you see in disaster movies.  When you cross the line - it could be that you're entering unchartered waters or dangerous territory, but it could also mean that you have crossed a finish line that nobody else sees, because you're so far ahead that nobody can see you.

Cause I'm going crazy, when I'm not okay
I keep praying that the cracks don't show my pain
Cause even when I'm falling, I say my life is like a dream
But I'm fighting through a nightmare 
Cause I'm not really being me
So you don't really know me

Do you find it really hard to conceal how you really feel?  Public perception of you is high, expectations are actually at an all-time high, but there are probably just as many people who are keen to see you fall, see you fail and see you do badly in life.  The thing that gets me is that life is not a competition in that sense, like you should be spending time being the best of yourself, you don't need to make others feel less, because you lack the ability to feel more.  That comes from inside doesn't it?  I'm pretty sure people don't wake up in the morning with the sole purpose of bullying anyone or trying to make other people's lives not worth living - what kind of job would pay people to do that?  If you're working in this kind of job - get the hell out.  Don't accept money to make people feel less than they actually are - that's disgusting.  There are enough challenges in the world without adding to it with man-made complexes and messing with people's minds.

The girl who starts all the jokes, just make her laugh
Preaches the do's and the don'ts, but loves to be bad
Smiles when they guess who she's loving, what they say makes her mad
She says, "I'm fine, I need nothing", but she hopes for your hand

So who makes the girl who starts the jokes laugh, when she's busy telling the jokes?  Who gets to listen to her be herself and just be reckless for once in her life?  I think life is too short to try and figure people out because you want to put a label on them, but that being said, that's a really really hard thing not to do - because we manufacture labels all the time, we watch labels build and gain notoriety so much that they become brands and become instantly recognisable that they become synonymous with individuals and companies that stand for things that we sometimes even forget - what the hell do they stand for?  I think even the companies forget that sometimes - why they got into the business of who they are.

You don't really know me no, no
You don't really know me
How can you know me?
You don't really know me
You don't really know me. . . 

I hope that whoever gets to really know you, knows that you are a hard onion to peel.
You are many layers and people need to take the time to unwrap your goodness, and ask you the right questions so that they are able to understand you, the real you, to understand your truth, in whatever shape or form that it comes in.  How can you know me. . . 

Before you walk out of my life. . .

This track is a song request from +Anaru White 

When you are trying to salvage your relationship with your partner, there can be various reasons for why things get to that point.  This song has always been one of my favourite r'n'b jams and even more so considering Monica was so young herself when she recorded this song (what intense breakup could you experience at age 14?).  

Here we are face to face
With the memories that can't be erased
Although we need each other
Things have changed it's not the same

Needing each other isn't enough to keep a relationship together.  Why aren't things the same anymore?  Is it because you have grown apart, that everything else in your life has developed and new opportunities have arrived, but you haven't grown together with your partner?  I mean, you would have grown together over the years but it would've been because you have grown apart, rather than helping each other to grow in that reciprocal way.  This lack of mutual growth is a common problem in relationships, particularly in communication breakdown and soon enough blame, loathing, resentment and not being completely honest with each other reveals the cracks in an otherwise perfect relationship.

Sometimes it makes me wonder
Where I would be, if you hadn't discovered
Which I did, inside of me
I know there was something that we could compare

That's much of the beauty of being in a relationship right?  Getting to make connections by gaining some understanding - the similar things that you like and even the things that you don't share in common - because you start to develop an appreciation for difference.  When you aren't feeling good about something it can be evident to you when that person knows you well, because they will see things in you that will ensure will cheer you up again.  When we take stock of the things that we can compare - what do we do with them?  I know that for some people they use that information to either understand someone's weaknesses or their strengths.

Oh well I
Never meant to cause you no pain
I just wanna go back to being the same
Well I, only wanna make things right
Before you walk out my life

Have you been in relationships when the other person has been mature enough to want to make things right with you before things are well and truly over?  Those are the types of people that I like.  That they can look back on the happy memories and good times that they shared with you and know that one day in the not too distant future if you happen to meet again in a chance occurrence, you can be in the same room together, quite comfortably.

Remembering the good times
From a portrait hung on high
It's filled with so much colour
And the laughter we left behind
I made the choice and you couldn't decide
I made the choice, I was wrong you were right
Deep down inside, I apologise

When you make decisions that will threaten to alter the course of a relationship, where you have chosen to end it because it seems that it is the natural end, the natural demise, it followed the natural course of how things are supposed to go; then that's a true sign of growth that even you can't escape, deny or make excuses to avoid.  There's probably nothing more infuriating than dealing with indecisive people, especially if you are someone is able to make decisions easily and competently without too much hassle or drama.  People's indecision will usually stem from a lack of self-confidence because nobody has valued them or never been given space to explore opportunities to build said confidence.  Being able to apologise for something you've done is also a sign of maturity, growing in the self-accountability measures and standards that you hold for yourself is definitely the key to success in making hard decisions (in my humble opinion anyway).

Though I made plans with you
To always have time for you
(Before you walk out of my life)
I guess it's true, cannot live without you
Don't ever go away. . . 

I hope that in future relationships that you have, that you will be able to communicate clearly and be able to make hard decisions together.  I think it's important to use every single context that you find yourself in to practice making hard decisions.  I guess it's not so much the decision sometimes, but definitely the clarity of thought that is required to make any decision, let alone a difficult one.

I hope that the only thing that never goes away is respect for yourself and your dignity.
Guard that fiercely and protect it at all costs, because there are so many people out there that will want to make you feel small and minimise what you bring to any table. 

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Gift of a friend. . .

Thank you for being that gift of a friend by my side. . . 

Do you notice the little changes that are coming into your life right now?  Have you figured out what was responsible for those little changes?  Especially if they were little changes that helped to surface what was stored deep inside you, the "real" you that was waiting to emerge when you were able to open up to the possibility of a gift of a friend.

Sometimes you think you'll be fine by yourself
'Cause a dream is a wish that you make all alone
It's easy to feel like you don't need help
But it's harder to walk on your own

You'll change inside when you realise

I don't think you would know that it's harder to walk on your own, because you've been alone for so long that you don't see it as being anything hard to do.  I would feel the same way about doing something that other people would perceive to be abnormal or challenging in their books as well.  Do you think you need help with anything?  I've found that it was when I didn't know I needed help that I learned the most about myself and that change was happening inside of me that would spring forth and I wouldn't even know - until others commented on it.  

The world comes to life and everything's bright
From beginning to end when you have a friend by your side
That helps you to find the beauty you are
When you open your heart and believe in the gift of a friend
The gift of a friend

When you realise you have a friend by your side, things happen in your life that you don't realise starts to happen.  Things start to happen or something happens that you don't understand but it feels new, it feels good and it doesn't even really need to make sense - it just feels right.  Have you had the opportunity to have someone tell you or show you things about yourself that you didn't know existed?  Things in your world starts to come to life or you notice things that you didn't notice before and this is because, you are starting to see the beauty that, now pointed out to you, is something that you shouldn't give up, pass over, not even brush aside.  I have been very thankful in my time to know the gift of a friend - and they have always happened along in my life when I needed such a gift to sustain me.

Someone who knows when you're lost and you're scared
There through the highs and the lows
Someone to count on, someone who cares
Beside you wherever you'll go

It is always comforting to have someone check in with you, want to hear about your day and then even to expect to hear from you because they look at their phone expecting to see your message appear.  You might even have that friend who you don't even see much of, but you think of each other at the same time and that same wavelength connects you.  They will become that someone to count on and that someone who cares because even though they are not physically with you where you go, you know that they are only a text or phone call away.

And when your hope crashes down
Shattering to the ground
You, you feel all alone
When you don't know which way to go
And there's no signs leading you home
You're not alone

Home may not necessarily need to be your physical home, your childhood home but the home that you have built with your friend, that familiar place and space that nobody else can touch you or ruin your bond with anything negative, with no fear or doubt that would threaten to make you feel utterly and desperately alone.  I know that I can count on you and I hope that you know that you can count on me.  You have become that gift of a friend that is precious, because despite what trials may arise and who knows what the future holds because we are no longer connected, because of distance or time and space, just know that for now in this moment in time, your friendship is one of the greatest gifts that I hold.

The world comes to life and everything's right
From beginning to end when you have a friend by your side
That helps you to find the beauty you are
When you open your heart and believe in the gift of a friend
The gift of a friend

I hope that you know that however or wherever this life may take us, I will always believe in you and wish you the greatest of wishes; to fulfil your destiny, to be happy when it's so easy to be sad, to live your best life.  I hope that you find the beauty of your human spirit that I see so clearly, that I wish the world would see without question or doubt.  I hope that because I've opened my heart to you and believed in your gift of friendship, that in time you will be able to teach someone else how to open their heart and believe in the gift of friendship too.  Thank you for bringing my world to life :-)

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Conversation. . .

      To all who come to me for conversation, comfort and consultation; that's what you'll find :-)

He comes for conversation
I comfort him sometimes
Comfort and consultation
He knows that's what he'll find

I bring him apples and cheeses

He brings me songs to play
He sees me when he pleases
I see him in cafes

Have you had people that treat you this way?  It used to bother me quite a bit because it felt like they didn't really respect me for what I could be or mean to them.  I think as I age I have begun to realise that I don't need to be all things to people, but that I have developed a specialised set of skills that people seek me out for, that people want to be able to be in touch with so that they can be reassured about what challenges or dilemmas they face.  That to me is part of the great mission that I have to help people, to free them; even if it means that they will do things that please them, rather than me.

And I only say hello
And turn away before his lady knows
How much I want to see him

She removes him like a ring

To wash her hands
She only brings him out to show her friends
I want to free him

The connections and conversations that you can have with people, can be misconstrued but they also must be kept private too, not because there is anything to hide, but because I think there is something imminently sweet about being someone trusted, someone who helps others in such an innocuous way so that they can be who they need to be, who they want to be :-)

Have you been a trophy partner for someone?  It's not a great thing to be, to be known only for what you can bring to a relationship, something superficial, where status and social climbing outweigh and outshine your inner worth and value that nobody can be bothered peeling back.  That's sad.  I tend to find that shininess in people, only because I know what to look for with my discerning mind's eye.  I don't understand why not everyone can see the worth in everyone, the value of anyone's humanity, not meant to be pushed aside.  I think I want to free so many people that I see in that way.

Secrets and sharing soda
That's how our time began
Love is a story told to a friend
It's second hand

But I'll listen to his questions

I'll give answers when they're found
He says she keeps him guessing
But I know she keeps him down

I don't understand why you would choose to stay with someone who doesn't want to see you fly, someone who doesn't want to celebrate you and how you want to live life.  I don't understand why you would want to be with someone who keeps you down.  Is it because there is some jealousy about someone growing apart from you, because they're growing and you're not?  If two rose bushes were planted in a garden, given the same amount of nourishment and sunlight, would they not grow at the same pace?  I guess it comes down to how much a rose bush wants to grow and works with what they're given right?

She speaks in sorry sentences
Miraculous repentances
I don't believe her

Tomorrow he will come to me

And he'll speak his sorrow endlessly and ask me why
Why can't I leave her?

I've lost count of many conversations over the years where I've been that friend for boys/guys/men who have expressed sorrow about not being able to leave their partners.  The reasons were various, different, yet the question remained the same - what should I do?  I never offered advice, not the kind of advice that they wanted to hear.  I often knew the partner well because we mixed in the same circles or I didn't know her at all, only from the stories that were regaled to me during those conversations and consultations that warranted comfort.

But friends are friends forever
So hard to change their role
Laugh with him, cry together
A friend feels so old
Hey friend, it feels so whole

But you keep your feelings deep inside
You talk of them and think of pride
Now is the wrong time
But maybe if a dozen days are warm and right
You'll hear him say "I've wanted you baby for such a long time". . . 

It isn't enough to hope in situations like these.  There will be situations where you will have been friends with someone for a long time and nothing happens, even if you wanted it to.  You're probably scared that it would change the dynamics of the friendship from a perfectly great platonic friendship, because once you cross that threshold into relationship land - there's no turning back, things will never be the same - whether they turn out well or not.

I hope I don't ever stop talking about feelings in conversations.  They are my favourite topic to talk about - finding out how someone is feeling and why they feel the way that they do - it helps you to understand who you are and why you act certain ways because it's dictated by your feelings.  So rather than think about how to master your feelings, just enjoy exploring them - whatever they may be.

He comes for conversation
I comfort him sometimes
Comfort and consultation
He knows that's what he'll find. . . 

I didn't know my own strength. . .

For everyone who needs to know that they are stronger than they will ever know. . . 

Lost touch with my soul
I had nowhere to turn, nowhere to go
Lost sight of my dream
Thought it would be the end of me

We will always find ourselves at our most vulnerable, at our lowest points of our lives when we start to lose touch of who we are - when we forget who we are before we pledged love to others, before we bore children, before we sacrificed everything that we ever wanted so that we could be everything to everyone else. . . and not ourselves.  Is it any wonder that you have lost touch with your soul?  Where can you turn, where can you turn to reclaim yourself and start living the life you were always meant to live?

I thought I'd never make it through
I had no hope to hold onto
I, I thought I would break

One of the most beautiful and poignant moments of your life will come when you suddenly realise that you are not as fragile as you thought you were - because you were too busy what everyone was saying about you - because they saw fit to try and break you.  But who can break you?  The beautiful soul that I see standing before me with so much promise and determination.  I can see things in your eyes that you can't even see in yourself, and I can't wait to show you how much I believe in you.  The only hope you ever need to think about holding onto - is the one that comes from within yourself.  It's been inside you all along!

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn't know my own strength

I think once we know our breaking point and understand what we look like when we get to those lowest points, when we can confront ourselves and understand how we feel when we are broken on the floor, but fail to disintegrate - it is through all of that pain that we have managed to push past - that we see exactly how strong we are.  Strength doesn't come from being strong all the time - it can actually come the times when you can succumb to the pain and the weakness away from public view and handle it graciously in your own stride.

Survived my darkest hour, my faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength

You will go for long periods of your life without as many darkest hours.  I honestly believe that the reason for this is that, even when those dark hours arrive at your doorstep, they lose a little bit of their darkness in each instance because your inner light is able to counter that darkness; you have learned the lessons that you need to learn to enable yourself to be the strength that you need, to know that you haven't been built to break, to weaken and not be able to shoulder the burdens that people will insist that you carry.  Keep that faith alive in your heart, in your soul, because if you don't protect it or entrust other people whom you can trust to help you protect that faith, you won't be able to pick yourself up or hold your head up high.

Found hope in my heart
I found the light to light my way out of the dark
Found all that I need here inside of me

What did you find inside all of you?  Can you tell me what you've found?  I'm pretty sure it's what I've always seen inside you.  I guess I'm only meant to be here to hold up the mirror for you, so that you can see.  I don't know why I can see the best in you; I just do.  I hope that in some way, I have been that light for you; to be able to shine the light, to resonate with the answering light that has been inside you all this time.  I mean, it probably explains why we can see each other's light, right?

I thought I'd never find my way
I thought I'd never lift that weight
I thought I would break

You no longer need to think anymore.  I want you to start feeling what you need to feel at this point in your life.  Start feeling the shift in yourself, the self discovery that you have made about yourself and how that makes you happy.  You always knew that you had a way to guide yourself, I was just standing on the sidelines at the right moments cheering you on.  The weight has always been heavy for you, just heavy enough for you to know that it required some effort and patience for you to be able to find ways to carry it, but I can tell you, it was never meant to break you; it was meant to make you.

There were so many times I wondered
How I'd get through the night
I thought I took all that I could take. . . 

I hope that you understand that you will come across many nights like this.
What you need to remember is that you can find your own ways for dealing with these nights, know what lies deep within yourself to be able to shift you back into a positive mindset and believe in yourself even more, because you are a beautiful soul that deserves to shine in this world.

Always remember you were not built to break, you just got to know your own strength. . .

Monday, 26 October 2015

Piano in the dark. . .

To the memory of those who play piano in the dark for you. . . 

When I find myself watching the time
I never think about all the funny things you said
I feel like it's dead
Where is it leading me now

It can feel like that at times.  When the good times, funny moments or funny words exchanged with people can seem to quickly lose their lustre, shininess and brightness of the moments.  Where do you think you are being lead to when those moments end?  Where do we go when happy moments end?  Do we go on to recreate those same moments in some other place with other people?  Or do we just  go on and relive those funny moments in our own minds when we need to?

I turn around in the still in the room
Knowing this is when I'm gonna make my move
Can't wait any longer
And I'm feeling stronger but oh

Ah . . . . making moves.  That anticipation that comes with making a move is quite intensely critical.  Think too much about it and you overthink it, freak yourself out and then you don't make the move at all.  When you feel the confidence and that confidence permeates every single part of you, it eliminates the self-doubt that normally resides in you, that's when you know when to make that move right?  The still in the room is quiet, but it can be the most deafening sound you will ever hear, because you know the move is about to made and you are the one that is about to make it.

Just as I walk through the door (just a little)
I can feel your emotion (can't you feel your emotion)
It's pullin' me back (just a little more time)
Back to love you

Is it the attraction that pulls you back or is it some other force?  History maybe?  If it's history, it will definitely be the high level of comfortability and the fact that there is some sort of ease in being with someone who knows you, what you like, how you like to be and you're locked within that bubble again.  Only time will tell when that bubble will burst, but I guess if you're going to live in the past again with someone from your past, that you enjoy the ride in that bubble until reality intervenes again and it's time to come crashing back to your responsibilities, obligations and expectations of living your present life.

I'm know I'm caught in the middle 
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go
Oh no, gave up on the riddle
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark. . . 

Aha. . . time to let go again.  Who plays piano in the dark for you?  I'm a sucker for hearing that piano in the dark because well. . . . I'm a pianist so I'm conditioned to hear it playing and love the various tones and emotions that spill forth from the sounds that a piano makes.  What makes you cry when you hear that piano in the dark?  Is it the familiar melodies that are reflected in the heartstrings that said melodies dance across too?  I think it's easy to cry a little because of the heartache that accompanies those melodies, but also because you know, as beautiful as those melodies are, they will haunt you too, because you know that they are finite melodies, only for a certain time and they will expire soon, but you will torture yourself and play them again in your mind away from prying eyes and nosey faces.

He holds me close like a thief of the heart (thief of the heart)
He plays a melody
Born to tear me apart
The silence is broken
And no words are spoken but oh. . . 

I hope that who has stolen your heart, that you can still enjoy the beauty of your broken heart (because we all know it's going to be broken, again, but hey, it's what you do right?) because you know it means that you are alive, when you can feel pain, that the silence that has been in your life for so long, now has these glorious melodies fill the silence and no words need to be spoken, just to hear the music fill the room is enough.  It's enough for now.  Thanks for helping me to remember what it means to hear the piano in the dark. . . 

Sunday, 25 October 2015

Trouble me. . .

To anyone who doesn't want to trouble anybody with their worries, you can trouble me :-)

I remember coming across this track in a movie I had watched.  I can't recall exactly what the movie is but there was a scene in the movie that this song featured in; it was quite subtle but it resonated quite strongly with me because it was the wedding waltz or some kind of dedication that the groom was doing for the bride, in any case, that's where I heard it, I guess I'm just trying to remember.

Trouble me, disturb me with all your cares and your worries
(Trouble me) on the days when you feel spent
Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong?
Trouble me

The lyrics are pretty self-explanatory.  They speak about (at least from the singer's perspective) the reassurance that they are giving to a friend or someone in need who doesn't want to offload, vent or share their issues with anyone.  In Aotearoa New Zealand, we probably have the highest suicide rate amongst Māori and Pacific Island youth, and we have seen an increasing number of young people take their own lives because they have been pushed to the brink of no return, no escape from the pressures that they feel that they can't share with their loved ones, friends and people that they can trust. 

(Speak to me), don't mislead me, the calm I feel means a storm is swelling
(Speak to me), there's no telling where it starts or how it ends 
(Speak to me), why are you building this thick brick wall to defend me
(Speak to me),When your silence is my greatest fear?
Why let your shoulders bend underneath this burden when my back is sturdy and strong?
Speak to me

I guess it's when you're silent that I am worried, because you know you can just say anything and it will be fine.  I mean, the last thing you want is people to be judgemental and offer you advice about things they know nothing about.  Don't worry about me either, I have a knack for knowing when to be in touch with you and know exactly what you need - just someone to listen to you and be there for you when you need someone to ease the burden that you carry.  I tell you not to worry about me because I think I have been through everything humanly possible that has helped me to build the level of resilience that I know you can have too.  So don't ever think that you are being a burden to me by offloading your problems, woes, worries and troubles to me - because that's what friends do for each other :-)

(Let me) have a look inside these eyes while I'm learning
(Let me) please don't hide them just because of tears
(Let me) send you off to sleep with a "There, there, now stop your turning and tossing"
(Let me) know where the hurt is and how to heal

Spare, spare me? Don't spare me anything . . . troubling. . . 

You're probably wondering - who can you turn to for help to heal?  You might not even recognise that you need healing until the hurt and pain starts to kick in, or you start crying for no reason.  It's important to recognise where the hurt and pain originates from, to locate the source so that you can begin to think of some steps to being the healing process.  I often think that it is difficult to help people when they need it most, when they are in denial that they could use some support, don't want to ask for it but you can clearly see that they need, or don't realise what damage they're causing to themselves by being in difficult situations.  I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have anyone spare me anything.  I would prefer to know every detail so that we can start to move forward.

(Trouble me), disturb me with all your cares and your worries
(Speak to me) and let our words build a shelter from the storm
(Let me) and lastly let me know what I can mend
There's more, honestly, than my sweet friend, you can see
Trust is what I'm offering if you trouble me. . . 

I hope that you will let me know what you need to mend.  Of course the greatest learning will come from you figuring out what needs to be mended for yourself.  I'm just here if you need someone to help you build a shelter from a storm, someone to sit with you and talk things through in that shelter so that it's a safe haven for you and that we can find ways to address the storm and how to survive it.  

I hope that you know, that you can accept the trust that I'm placing in you, because of the trust that I'm offering you.  When you're ready, you know how to find me :-)

Saturday, 24 October 2015

Tears dry on their own. . .

To all the girls out there who sell themselves short in relationships. . . 

All I can ever be to you is darkness that we knew
And this regret I got accustomed to 
Once it was so right
When we were at our height
Waiting for you in the hotel at night
I knew I hadn't met my match
But every moment we could snatch
I don't know why I got so attached
It's my responsibility
You don't owe nothing to me
But to walk away, I have no capacity

Those clandestine hotel meetings, hiding your relationship or affair (whatever the entanglement is); do you have the capacity to deal with it being that way?  You tell yourself you can handle it and there are no strings attached, but the more you involve yourself in that way, the deeper you find yourself falling.  You were naive enough to think that you wouldn't be attached, but that's exactly what ended up happening.  You don't even want to share anything with your closest girlfriends because you've never embarked on anything like this before, it feels different and exciting, I mean heck, you're discovering things about yourself that you never knew existed.

I don't understand why do I stress the man
When there's so many bigger things at hand?
We could've never had it all, we had to hit a wall
So this is inevitable withdrawal
Even if I stop wanting you
And perspective pushes through
I'll be some next man's other woman soon
I cannot play myself again
I should just be my own best friend
Not f*** myself in the head with stupid men

It's hard when you're in a relationship to think logically sometimes about what you're actually doing in it.  It is also quite natural when you are in a relationship to have spent the time trying to define the boundaries and how the relationship will play out - what you are meant to do with each other and what you mean to each other.  I felt that in the most destructive relationships, you spent so much time giving away too much of yourself and you tried way much harder than your other half.  You learn enough in time to stay away from stupid men, but like frogs turning into princes, you have to go through a whole bunch of stupid men to get to the smart men.

So we are history
Your shadow covers me
The sky above blaze

When relationships or trysts end, there is the tendency for some residue to remain.  How you deal with it is completely up to you, whether you choose to try to wipe all of that away or just let it fall by the wayside in due course and focus on the sky above and whatever new experiences it brings with it.

I wish I could sing no regrets
And no emotional debt
'Cause as we kissed goodbye, the sun sets
So we are history 
Your shadow covers me
That only lovers see

Do you see those shadows when you come into contact with ex partners?  You catch a glimpse of them somewhere or you run into them unexpectedly and then you relive those moments with them like some crazy movie montage that plays out your whole relationship like that Extra chewing gum commercial (which of course didn't end in a marriage proposal, obviously, because you're broken up).

He walks away , The sun goes down
He takes the day, but I'm grown
And in your way, In this blue shade
My tears dry on their own

I hope that you will have learned all you can from your past relationships - I mean that, your past relationships, not failed relationships - I don't think you are meant to have "successful relationships" in the sense that it must work and do well, but more along the lines of - learning and growing together with someone who supports you and is your equal in so many ways.

So let your tears dry on their own because you've got better things to do than cry about a man who mistreats you and doesn't value you for being the beautiful woman that you are.  There are so many other bigger things to stress about than some man.  Besides, a good man doesn't make you stress about him, he takes it away, or at least. . . he won't bring it to you :-)

Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Stop your fussin'. . .

This track is a song endorsement from +Anaru White 

It is very easy to be negative these days.  I mean, we're bombarded with negative images and stories of things happening around the world that are all consequences or events caused by decisions made that have little regard for human life and dignity.  Sometimes when you feel so far removed (geographically speaking) from the disasters that are occurring, you don't remotely connected to those situations because it's happening to 'other people' in 'other parts' of the world.  I often think - this is probably what other people in other parts of the world would think about me too, if I was to appear in the news about something - we feel less connected in an increasingly connected world - but are those connections real. meaningful and worthwhile?  

Why you look so sad when the sky is perfect blue
And you're getting everything you ever wanted to
Let's not talk about the bad times
We've seen through that before
It's not right for making love anymore

When things start looking up for you, when you are experiencing success or there's nothing really negative that is impacting you, there is of course a natural tendency for self-doubt to creep in to upset your apple cart of bliss.  As much as there are bad times that happen, they needn't be the focus of your life and threaten to overtake everything else that is going right for you.

So stop your fussin' boy
Please stop your fussin' boy
Your time will come
Yes, your time will come

I guess we need to just stop fussin' about things that need not concern us.
Like how broadcaster Marian Finucane wanted to start a campaign to stop the haka being performed because it's intimidating.  This made me laugh. shake my head and think, have you ever bothered to learn about the history of the haka Marian?  Did you even stop to think about how ignorant you sound because your opinion is based on your own sensibilities of your own worldview that doesn't include cultural perspectives that aren't part of your worldview?

Can you lay me down in meadows soft and green?
And can you lay me down and talk to me of things?
Like stars that burn into the night 
And moons that turn with purple lines
That's what I want

Talking things over with people is important.  I'm not talking about the venting here, I'm talking about the ability to be able to bounce ideas off people, to have as reliable and trusted springboards so that they can help to guide you and support you on your journey, whatever it may be and wherever it may lead.  Casting aside the romantic undertone of this verse, I think it's still important to be extremely clear in your communication, to be clear about what you want.

Can someone tell me why it is?
How we could spend so many lonely years?
There's a light at the end of life, it's enough
It's enough, it's enough, it's enough to try

There must be something that comes from within yourself to make you try.  I think they call it intrinsic motivation.  What are the factors that lie deep within yourself that make you want to try, that motivate you to be the best version of yourself?  It should stem from how you see yourself, how you want the best for yourself, how you prioritise yourself in your life, to help live the kind of life that you are personally proud of leading.  What does that look like?  How would you know that it has been enough to try?

We can see the light (We can see it in our lifetime)
We can feel the warmth (We can see it in our lifetime)
We can see it shine (We can see it in our lifetime)
We can see it in our lifetime

I hope that you can see that others will be looking to you to achieve great gains now, to see the fruition of your work in our lifetime.  Are you prepared for that?  Will you be able to stop your fussin' about other less important, trivial and frivolous rubbish and petty drama that isn't worth a minute of your time?  I hope that I get to see it in this lifetime, in my lifetime, in our lifetime.  I can't think of a better way to see the light, feel the warmth and see that light shine - than from coming out of you and your work :-)

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Bailero. . .

This track is a song request from +Te Mihinga Komene 

I first became enchanted with Sarah Brightman when she sang opposite Michael Crawford in Phantom of the Opera.  She eventually became involved romantically with the musical genius behind the music Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber and also enjoyed success in London shows.  I had also seen her in a few music videos with Sir Cliff Richard, let's be honest - it was just one.  I watched it and was quite disturbed by it.  They sang All I ask of you and with poor background displays of the beach (technology back then aye) that were meant to distract you from the cheesy staged performance but I still totally loved the singing.  I have total respect for their beautiful singing - it was the acting that killed it for me and the unnecessary kissing during the instrumental interludes.  Seriously, you must watch it, if you haven't already searched on YouTube and watched it by the time you finished reading this paragraph! But I digress. . . 

Pastre de delai l'aio                        Shepherd across the river
As gaire de buon tems?                  You're hardly having a good time?
Dio lou bailero lero                        Sing bailero lero
Lero lero lero lero bailero lo

For some reason I think about Charon ferrying people across the River Styx because of the haunting melody of this piece.  I can imagine this being featured on many movie soundtracks to be used in montages that can express certain scenes that would depict longing or some kind of yearning, scenes without dialogue, scenes that wouldn't require dialogue, just this track playing in the background,  You could even feature this song that plays quite prominently in a scene or incorporate it into the storyline of the movie where one of the main characters plays it.  I think of Philadelphia and the La Mamma Morta scene with Maria Callas singing while Tom Hanks describes what is happening.  The emotion in that scene alone is heightened by the power of the music.

Pastre lou prat fai flour                     Shepherd, the meadows are in bloom
Li cal gorda toun troupel                   You should watch your flock on this side
Dio lou bailero lero                            Sing bailero lero
Lero lero lero lero bailero lo

Will the Shepherd watch you and the rest of the flock as well?  Why won't he look to where the meadows are in bloom?  Is it because things are so well looked after that the Shepherd doesn't need to be involved?  Why do you think you need to be watched or monitored?  Are there some amongst the flock that you need protecting form?  I sound like the series of questions at the end of each original Batman TV series episode starring Adam West (minus the onomatopoeic sound effects through the fight scenes with the horn section blaring to emphasise each blow). 

Pastre couci forai                               Shepherd, the water divides us
En obal io lou bel riou!                      And I can't cross it
Dio lou bailero lero                            Sing bailero lero
Lero lero lero lero bailero lo

I hope that one day when you go to be reunited with the Shepherd or whoever you need to be connected with, that you will be able to cross the water with ease, that there will no longer be any barriers that block you.  I hope that even when you come across situations where you are constantly being blocked from reaching your goal or a destination that you have longed to travel towards, that you are brave enough to explore ways to get to where you need to go.

Love song. . .

Head under water 
And they tell me to breathe easy for a while 
The breathing gets harder, even I know that
Made room for me but it's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold onto

I think of this song often when I hear the voices that speak all at the same time because they want what you have; those voices unknowingly becoming the very reason that you withdraw.  Do you find that people try to convince you that you would be happy doing what they want you to do?  Are you naturally suspicious of people's motives?  If not, you should be.  You cannot possibly go through life without some street smarts and being savvy enough to know the difference between being offered genuine compliments or fake praise.  Learn to know the difference and things suddenly become clearer.  Then you will find that people aren't able to try to hold onto you against your will or try to figure you out with sweeping statements and foregone conclusions by listening to other people, rather than asking you themselves.  There's a reason why the horse has a mouth - so you can hear it whinny, neigh, nicker or blow.

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well, but you make this hard on me

The pressure to perform, to write, to do anything that is supposed to flow from you with creative energy can be challenging and annoying to deal with, particularly when the people waiting for you to perform get in the way of your creative buzz.  

I learned the hard way
That they all say things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Be very careful to notice when people flock to you for all of the things that they want, but as soon as shit gets real, they disappear.  It makes me chuckle because everyone knows that when things are high stakes, that is when shit is at its most realest - I mean, what else would it be?  You must try to distance yourself as much as possible from manipulation and people who spend their days immersed and fully entrenched with their Machiavellian machinations.  Those people are not worth you associating with, so get to know people for as much as you can - learn and understand what it is really going on beneath the surface.  You will be surprised how quickly you learn things, not about them, but more about yourself and what you value for a change.

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

You quickly learn (as you are avoiding the hard way) that in order for people to really hear your voice and understand what you are saying - you need to be really clear and explicit about what you mean.  Are you a gullible person?  If you sat in a meeting and you had your perspective and had a staunch position about an issue, would you be easily swayed by other viewpoints that you heard?  I'm not saying that you would disagree for the sake of being different but that you were convinced by the different opinion showed in order to be shown favour.  Don't do that.  It is a complete and utter waste of time.  Be true to yourself always - but if people still won't hear you, then you must try a different tack.  Simple as that.

Promise me that you'll leave the light on
To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone
'cause I believe there's a way you can love me

Can you trust people to leave the light on for you?  At which point do you start believing them for who they are and what they bring to your table?  You might have to teach them about that way to love you, to respect you and enable that relationship of trust so that you can do what needs to be done - feelings aside.

Because I say I won't write you a love song
'Cause you asked for it, 'cause you need one, you see
I'm not gonna write you a love song
'Cause you tell me it's make or break in this. . . 

I hope that you write, think, feel, play, sing - do anything and everything that you want to do, not because you have other people telling you what you need to do.  You know yourself the best, you know what needs to happen to produce that conducive environment to complete your masterpieces, works of art that people are dying to see.  You don't respond to idle threats and nor do you give them.  If you don't want to write that love song for anybody, you don't need to do so.  (And for the record, don't take love song literally, you can substitute it for any other things that's pressuring you at the moment).  At the end of the day - you decide, you choose, if you hesitate, then you lose :-)

Tell me it's real. . .

This track is a song request from +Anaru White 

K-Ci and JoJo dominated the r'n'b scene from the mid 90s when they were part of the hugely successful Jodeci.  Their special brand of r'n'b with their unique blend (it helps when you are brothers) made them a distinctive and highly popular duo.  A slow jam mix tape would not be complete without any of their songs.  This track is no exception.

Tell me it's real, the feeling that we feel, tell me that it's real
Don't let love come, just to pass us by
Try, is all we have to do, it's up to me and you
To make this special love last forever more

How would you not know if the feeling is real?  Can you tell yourself what the feeling is?  Sometimes we need to be able to voice it out loud to ourselves, just to check that what we're feeling is what we think it is, before we say it out loud to someone; the someone that you think you are feeling this feeling with.  But I guess that's the nature of feeling love right, it's not something logical or something to think about - you just do it - you just feel it!

Baby you told me that you love me and you'd never leave my side
Through the bitter end through the thick and thin
You promised me baby that you wasn't going anywhere, yes you did
Baby keep it real let me know just how you feel

The tricky thing about loving someone is knowing when you are starting to fall out of love.  It's the falling in love that made you high and the being in love (according to Michael Jackson) but it's hard to stay in love, because there are things that happen that could affect a relationship, and the people that are in the relationship may find themselves changing and growing - if not together - then apart.  So how can you keep things real?  How can you be honest and let someone know how you feel - particularly if there is scope that they will be hurt?  Are you afraid to tell someone how much you love them because it might scare them away?  That's almost just as bad - sabotaging your own relationship because you can't trust enough in the relationship for it to work, so you spend time trying to ruin something that isn't broken, something that is actually quite beautiful and fragile, yet totally worth having.

I can't explain the way you make me feel
Every time that you tell me that you love me and you know that you did so many times
Just when I thought that love would never be a part of me
That's when you came along and showed me happiness 
Baby you are the best, I think you're different from the rest
I really love you

Do you need to be able to explain how you feel?  The intensity of your love for the other person might not have the necessary or adequate words to describe how you feel.  When someone comes along and shows you happiness, you probably acted suspicious and threw yourself headlong into denial because the only times you opened yourself up to love, you got hurt.  The problem with getting hurt is that it's up to you to dictate the time it takes for that hurt to heal.  So when someone shows up in your life and shows you how love is supposed to feel and it makes you happy - why deny yourself that happiness?  

Tell me it's real
This feeling that I feel
Tell me it's real
For your love
I will do anything

How much doubt can one person hold?  It is natural to question and be sceptical of whether someone genuinely has feelings for you - the only way is not to trust their words, but definitely trust their actions.  Someone very wise once told me, don't tell me you love me, show me.  I have never heard truer words when it comes to love and when those actions speak louder than words, that has been all the proof that I need to know what love is.  What would you do for love to know if it's real?

Tell me it's real, the feeling that we feel, tell me that it's real
Don't let love come, just to pass us by
Try, is all we have to do, it's up to me and you
To make this special love last forever more

I hope that you have the chance to tell someone that your feelings are real.  If your love is a special love and worth holding onto, then you owe it to your loved one to make it last forever.  I imagine it to be the kind of forever that you don't even think about it, because you just take each day as it comes and make each day feel like it's the last on earth.  If that's one thing that I could pass onto you - it's to enjoy a special love that is timeless and cannot be measured by time.  Try, is all we have to do, it's up to me and you. . .