Sunday, 9 August 2015

Gravity. . .

Happy anniversary - on the ground we had 5 years, I'm counting 8 in your gravity. . . 
=  11th August 2007  =

I have listened to this song on repeat for so long.  I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed when I played this track. I know that I won't have any strength left to write it on our actual anniversary date - 11th August 2007.  A day that will now play in my mind like a home movie or a broken record that plays automatically on this day every year.  I had to put this out today before I fall apart and can't do it at all.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long
No matter what I say or do
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone

It's been two years since you've been gone and there are moments when I feel the loss of you more keenly than other times.  I think that's what happens when you try to block out the pain by throwing yourself into work and trying to keep busy helping other people with their problems, so that you forget your own.  I think the times that I feel you the most is when I'm alone.  I used to be scared to be alone because I felt like I was being haunted, but I've learned to welcome and embrace feeling you around me because it's your way of letting me know that I won't ever be alone.

You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

I have never grieved for you in the traditional sense of what grieving widows are supposed to do.  I guess that's never been my style, but more to the point, I never had the luxury of falling apart.  You knew this, because this is what things were like the entire time that we were together; being the strong one that everybody relies on and that left me thinking, who can I be weak with?  Then I realised, that I could be weak with you.  I miss that terribly.

Set me free
Leave me be
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me and all over me

Nobody could really pin me down and make me see what damage I was doing to myself.  That's what you were so good at doing; you held the mirror up to me all the time so that I could see what you saw in me.  It took me a while to believe you because I was so hell bent on believing the worst in me, or I was so far gone in my own world of self-pity until you came and rescued me.  I didn't need to stand tall around you because you stood tall for me and I could relax once in a while.  I miss that terribly.

Oh, you loved me 'cause I'm fragile
When I thought that I was strong
But you touch me for a little while
And all my fragile strength is gone

Your jokes, laughter and spirit would breathe life into me again.  I met my match when I met you - I couldn't compete with your mocking (you made me cry a couple of times and I knew I had lost my title lol).  I guess I don't need fragile strength when I'm around you, because you are all the strength that I need.

I live here on my knees
As I try to make you see
That you're everything I think I need here on the ground

I used to think this way, particularly in the first year that I lost you.  When things seemed too hard or I felt like giving up, I would cry out for you.  But I know now that I don't need to have you here if I remember everything that you've taught me, everything that you shared with me - all of those memories and things that you said are more than enough to keep me focused.  This is why you were taken from me; you had done everything you could for me.  That was hard for me to understand and accept, but once I did, I could stay on the track that we had planned.

But you're neither friend or foe
Though I can't seem to let you go
The one thing that I still know is that you're still keeping me down

I know that I've let you go physically, I mean I had no choice really.  But I do understand that the things you have taught me, shared with me; what we experienced together - I need to hold onto those gems and pearls of wisdom because I need them to fulfil the destiny that I can't help but follow, the path that was chosen for me, even when I tried to deviate from the plan - you knew this and now you are making sure that within your gravity, you are keeping me down :-)

You're keeping me down, yeah yeah yeah yeah
You're on to me, on to me and all over. . . 

Happy anniversary Loma.
I know I will always have you on to me and all over me.
The thought of you will sustain me when I can't sustain myself.
Thank you for loving me more than I knew I needed.

Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long. . .