Here I sit and wonder of a life that was
But somehow it's gone away
This morning I woke to find my love had gone
For reasons he did not say
Funny how things are never what they seem
But ooooooh can't we go back to where we used to be?
I'm currently not in a relationship but what I am thankful for is for the memories of past relationships. Songs like this one remind me about the many "yesterdays" that have given me many moments of treasured memories. I have mentioned before in previous blog posts that I didn't think that I would be a widow at this stage of my life. In fact, as a young girl, I wasn't like most girls who had the dream of a big white wedding, having 2.4 children and a house with a white picket fence with a doting husband standing next to me. I think of all of those things - I once had the doting husband but the fence isn't white, it's maroon.
Oh if I could have yesterday
I'd make it so you never go away
And I would never be lonely
I'd give anything to hold you once again
I'd pray that you could love me until the end
And I would never be lonely
I think it's completely healthy to have in your mind, your own home movies that you can play back any time that you like. Those home movies bring smiles to your face during times when smiles may be the furthest thing from your mind. There will be times that you will long to be in the comforting of arms that you have forgotten the feel of, but once you recognise the touch of those arms again, your mind registers the warmth that instantly answers the coldness that has since been in your life, in its absence. So this track is a bit of a bittersweet track, because as much as the lyrics speak about loss and wanting things to return to yesterday, I instead would remember those times fondly and know now that there are other things or other people to come. I'm in no particular hurry to find out what or who, I just know that the why will become clearer with each new day.
Once we shared our world and anything I'd give
Simply to see you smile
This man was the centre of my happiness
If only for a short while
Funny how things can change so easily
But oooooh can't we go back to where we used to be?
This verse teaches me about enjoying the time with who I surround myself with right now, because time is fleeting and we don't know how long we have with anyone, including ourselves. Making people smile has been something that I have enjoyed. Growing up, it seemed like making my parents smile was my full time job - and I don't mean that in the sense that it was a burden or an onerous one - on the contrary - it was like I set myself little targets on a daily basis about how many times I could make them smile. Once I had so much practise with them, I started transferring this skill to other people who weren't in my family. I quickly found it was the fastest way to make friends. How simple was that - making other people smile? When I got older and stumbled quite awkwardly onto the dating scene, making boys or men smile was a completely different ball game altogether. Some smiles I saw were creepy and scared me (nobody likes a lecherous smile) but I soon came to know what genuine smiles, genuine caring non-threatening smiles looked like. It was when I discovered that I could make the man at the centre of my happiness smile, I knew that my day was complete.
There was a time when I thought that love could never, never change
There was a time when you'd hold me close
You'd take away my pain
Well how those days
What happened to forever?
Even though love is fleeting just like time, love can age and grow deeper and stronger or fade away with the memories that struggle to remain indelibly etched in your home movie, we can't afford to dwell too much on the past that we forget about living in the now.
I am grateful for the wonderful memories of the past, because they have coloured my perception as to how to live life now, to love now - openly, freely without restraint and to just live in the moment, whoever is with me, and know that this is what I am meant to experience and learn about at this time.
I have started to understand that I will never be lonely as long as I choose the feelings that are evoked from the connection with people, rather than focusing on the person as my centre of happiness. Because when the time comes for that connection with that person to be broken, all you will have left will be the memories of that connection to sustain you until you meet someone else again who has been sent to nurture you again for the next phase of your life.
This is how I know I will never be lonely. . .