Sunday, 19 July 2015

Hold back the river. . .

This blog post is dedicated to you, when you couldn't count on someone :-(

Here is the next trilogy of blog posts of a conversation I need to have with someone from my childhood.  We're adults now, but we're not exactly close anymore.  We've grown apart, as people are prone to do as their values shift and change, as their priorities evolve and how we choose to spend our time means that we will choose to spend our time away from each other.

Tried to keep you close to me
But life got in between
Tried to square not being there
But think that I should've been

Since you moved away, your contact has been less frequent, well let's be honest - it's non-existent really.  I appreciate that you have your own life to live and that you have plans of your own.  I get it.  You're your own person and you will do things the way you want, with no qualms about making decisions that are more to do with you, and less to do with me.  I accepted this decision you've made to have this "distance" for a while now and it does hurt less now, it does mean that I've accepted things more without the usual resentment, without residual resentment.  This could be a sign of growing up, of maturing and choosing to look beyond the obvious and just think about things from your perspective.  I can't begrudge you the freedom that I would've gladly grabbed with both hands if I wasn't in constant fear of

Once upon a different life
We rode our bikes into the sky
But now we're against the tide
Those distant days all flashing by

Isn't that the way though?  When you look at your childhood through sepia tinted glasses and everything seemed so much easier back then too.  Less money, less problems, but now mo' money, mo' problems and less time, less love because it's mo' selfish, mo' drama.  We can see that those days all stack up like looking through those film wheels of vistaview.  Each new scene of those distant days brings back smiles and memories of how things were and how we were much closer back then.  What happened?  How did we get to this space?  When did we stop caring about each other?  When did we stop communicating?  The tide is so strong now that even I can't hold back the river from connecting with it.
Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I 
Can stop for a minute and see where you hide
Hold back the river, hold back

You used to wonder what was up with me and want to look in my eyes and want to fix everything.  At first this was endearing, but then it became annoying because it felt like, just because you moved away, you thought you were more worldly than I, more experienced at making decisions that obviously I could never make because I chose to stay.  That's right, I chose to stay.  Well, it wasn't really much of a chance, but it had to be done, because all options escaped me and were taken from me,  So what do I have to do now?  Just make sure that I create my own opportunities and follow my own heart, mind, soul, passions and intuition where they lead me to meet people, go to places and dream in spaces that nobody can no longer touch and break.  So if you try to find me, it's too late, you see, I've become adept at hiding.

Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander
Let us hold each other
Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander
Let us hold each other

I hope that one day we can hold each other again, but I fear that the day we get to do that will be one that I dread.  I don't want that day to come but I understand that it will be inevitable and we will not be able to escape it.  I think on that day, we will only be able to wander through the lonely water together and not be lonely anymore.

I hope that you're happy in your life, because that's all I ever wanted for you :-)