Sunday, 26 July 2015

Get it together. . .

Conversation series: final conversation with someone from my childhood. . . 

One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your kin
Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else
Didn't even wanna admit it yourself

It's always hard to admit when you're at fault.  I should know, I haven't been the perfect person either.  I don't think we should expect to be perfect either, but what we understand is the human condition and that is, we will always be quick to point each other's faults - and take a tally counting up who was more wrong than the other.  It's a futile and useless exercise in time-wasting if ever I saw one - but we don't realise this in the times when we are mad as hell at each other about things that are beyond our control.  So how can we move past this?

And now your chest burn and your back aches
From 15 years from hauling the pain
And you only have yourself to blame
If you continue to live in this way 

It is unhealthy to continue to blame each other for everything - to take stock of all the times that we have made each other unhappy, so let's just stop.  Can we step back and wipe the slate clean?  I've found that as time has moved on, it hasn't really moved us along.  I think maybe we thought at one point that we were happy and starting to move towards some kind of resolutions, focusing on some solutions, but other things got in the way - and we stopped talking.  It's hard to talk to someone and have a conversation when they don't answer or make an effort to continue a one-sided conversation.

You can fly fly. . . 

Dark future ahead of me
That's what they say
I'd be starving if I ate all the lies they fed
Cause I've been redeemed from your anguish and pain
A miracle child I'm floating on a cloud

We can choose whether to swallow all the words that other people speak rather than communicate with each other.  This has probably one of the biggest things that I've learned about being involved with people - relying on what comes from the horse's mouth, rather than from other people.  But of course, even when the horse doesn't speak, it's still having the naus to be able to speak up to the cow who's speaking bulls*** or the pig that's telling porkies.

Cause the words that come from your mouth 
You're the first to hear
Speak words of beauty and you will be there
No matter what anybody says
What matters the most is what you think of yourself

So I guess we just need to be more conscious about what we say to each other then.  I mean this is totally cool, because this is the learning that we need to have happen so that we can be able to stand being in the same room together, to be able to have a proper conversation, and not wait until some tragedy happens and then that's when we'll see each other again.  I think you will always only care about what you think of yourself, and I just need to be ok with that.  Just as you need to be ok with how I see myself.  I just think that we need to improve how we see each other, that's all.

The choice is yours
No matter what it is
To choose life is to choose to forgive
You don't have to try
To hurt him and break his pride
To shake that weight off
And you will be ready to fly

I am ready to move on and think about other things than being trapped in the past with trauma.
I mean, I forgive you, I forgive me, I forgive us, I don't want you to hurt, I don't want to hurt, I don't want us to hurt so let's think about how we can be able to fly together.

Get it together
You wanna heal your body
You wanna heal your heart
Whatsoever you sow you will reap
Get it together

I think the chorus of the song is more for me than for you.
You always seemed to be the who thought (and maybe even think) that you have it together.
I guess for me, it's been hard to get it together because I haven't just had myself to get together,
Almost everyone I have ever come into contact with has found something in me that they needed and that I knew that I could give, so in the journey to achieving my life mission, I have had to stop and take some pit stops along the way to help those who needed me, more than I needed myself.  I realise that now, and also realise that this will continue to be a way of life for me, and I don't resent that, not at all.  In fact I embrace it because it shows me that this is actually part of my life mission. . .