Sunday, 26 July 2015

No room for doubt. . .

You caught me, guilty
Taking the pieces of you
That night, you took flight
I couldn't decide what to do

How hard was it to take pieces of you? I mean, you offered them so freely it was like you were practically giving them away.  You may be experiencing some sudden changes in attitude, particularly when you don't consult people or at least let them know about what your intentions are.  I can imagine it must be pretty scary trying to get some sense of what exactly it is that you want, without trying to get hurt in the process.  But life doesn't work out that way; there are always consequences, there are always problems that need to be acknowledged, if not sorted.

I won't let a safe bet
Continue to make go blue
I could go solo
Would that be the right thing to do?

Sometimes you are better off being alone than being miserable with someone.  It's a bitter pill to swallow but one that you must if you are to maintain your own sanity.  The right thing to do is the right thing for yourself.  There is a lot to be said for going solo - you never know how long you will be solo, who else who you will meet along that way that may challenge you (especially when they don't want you to be solo anymore but try to continue with you).

We all make mistakes, we do
I learnt from you
We all make mistakes, we do
I learnt from you

I think the greatest learning I have ever had has been listening to other people tell their stories.  I think about not how much better off my life is, but more so along the lines of - what can I learn about life from this person?  How can I learn from their mistakes that they so freely admit to, so that I can avoid making the same mistakes.

Tiptoe, too slow
Out of the door to your house
I know, you know
That this way leads me out

Leaving the spaces that we occupy, or each other's spaces for that matter, is the fastest way to ensure that you start to create some distance.  When you need to find a way out of a precarious situation, it may required some timing, some delicate handling of the situation being blown even further out of proportion and some home truths to be considered (likened to the proportions of "to be acknowledged as part of the furniture" even).  Are you even good at tiptoeing these days?  Have you been practising sneaking out of people's houses enough to know that you're quite skilled at it?

Outside, too bright
You're within, I'm without
You're within, I'm without

When things are too bright outside, it's normally because things always seem much clearer in the harsh light of day, that you start to see things for what they are.  Things seem much clearer because you can see exactly where you stand - are you within or without?  Sometimes the room for doubt can be seen as coming from within or coming from without.  Which one are you?
Please sleep softly
Leave me no room for doubt
Please sleep softly
Leave me no room for doubt
Leave me no room for doubt. . . 

I hope that you do sleep softly.  There should be no room left for doubt because you should be well aware of what it is that you need to achieve to move on in your life.  And even if you are unwilling to move forward, you need to move somewhere - even if it's moving sideways, if you can't step back or move back.  You can't afford to keep giving yourself room to backtrack and go back to things the way they were because you've changed.  You know better about what it is that you want.

The overlapping nature of the last section of the song suggests to me that there are lingering thoughts that need to be resolved and that you are afraid to let go of what was.  If you keep holding onto things and people that serve no purpose in your current life, you are abandoning the steps that you need to take to secure the success of your future.

With all of this insomnia going around, I hope that you can please sleep softly, leave me no room for doubt. . . 

Love is a losing game. . .

This blog post is dedicated to anyone who just needs to recognise that 
even when they've lost at love. . . they can still win in life :-)

For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game

It's that initial flourish and mad rush of a relationship that threatens to inflame you, consume you, probably burnt you but you didn't really notice because just the sheer volume of what you were feeling and experience more than made up for the sorry state of affairs that lead up to this five story fire coming into existence.  A bit like that first sentence you just read with very little punctuation; overwhelming and leaving you in a state of wonder about where some much needed commas or fullstops would pop up to give you some respite.

One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

If we could predict when we would get hurt whilst in the throes of love, I don't think many of us would take a punt and put our hearts on the line.  We would instead go through life and not experience what love has to offer (or not, depending on why love happens to be a losing game for you in this situation!).  Messy situations in love, I find are becoming increasingly normal and less strange as we once thought.  Messy situations reveal themselves to be whatever you see that differs from the norms that society puts in place to pigeonhole and define what love is.  Are you happy with the final scene though?  Do we have a choice in how this final frame plays out anyway?

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

The band always plays when things come to an end doesn't it?  I mean the orchestra strikes up each time a Grammy or Oscar award winner thanks everybody a little too long when they accept their award.  Can we even time our situation so that we can avoid this blasted band playing?  It's like the band is providing music that signals the demise of this love.  I mean, you know exactly when love is losing because the outro music is playing.

Self-professed . . . profound
Till the chips were down
. . . know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

When the gambling man comes up with some profound sayings about how life is and this is how love plays out, it almost makes you want to take those chips on the table and throw them in his face.  I don't even think the gambling man really understand who he was playing with and thought that this is how you play games like this here.  Are you prepared to lose your hand at love?  Is this the end of the game?  Can you change the rules and unlearn what you learned so that you can gain the upper hand so that it doesn't lose?

Though I battle blind
Love is a fate resigned
Memories mar my mind
Love is a fate resigned

It's like a movie that you've seen over and over, you know exactly when the tragic parts in the movie are coming up and yet you still yet at the screen hoping that some happy ending start playing instead.  But love is a fate resigned in that sense isn't it - we just go along with what fate deals to us - but should we?  Do we always need to accept the obvious or accept and respect the decisions that people make, even if we know deep down, that isn't what they really want to do?  I guess we'll never know unless they're ready to fight their own battles, pushing you aside so that they don't need you fighting battles blind.  They need to know whether they choose love to be a fate resigned.

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game. . . 

I hope that wherever you find yourself, that you can see those futile odds and can move your own mountains.  I don't know whether it's because I've been conditioned to watch so many romantic films that have taught me that love wins at the end of each day or alternative endings reveal new learning that need to take place (My Best Friend's Wedding is a key example of this) because I genuinely hope that you are happy, whatever you decide.  Just be mindful that love is a losing game, you just need to choose whether you want to win or lose.  I hope you win :-)

Get it together. . .

Conversation series: final conversation with someone from my childhood. . . 

One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your kin
Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else
Didn't even wanna admit it yourself

It's always hard to admit when you're at fault.  I should know, I haven't been the perfect person either.  I don't think we should expect to be perfect either, but what we understand is the human condition and that is, we will always be quick to point each other's faults - and take a tally counting up who was more wrong than the other.  It's a futile and useless exercise in time-wasting if ever I saw one - but we don't realise this in the times when we are mad as hell at each other about things that are beyond our control.  So how can we move past this?

And now your chest burn and your back aches
From 15 years from hauling the pain
And you only have yourself to blame
If you continue to live in this way 

It is unhealthy to continue to blame each other for everything - to take stock of all the times that we have made each other unhappy, so let's just stop.  Can we step back and wipe the slate clean?  I've found that as time has moved on, it hasn't really moved us along.  I think maybe we thought at one point that we were happy and starting to move towards some kind of resolutions, focusing on some solutions, but other things got in the way - and we stopped talking.  It's hard to talk to someone and have a conversation when they don't answer or make an effort to continue a one-sided conversation.

You can fly fly. . . 

Dark future ahead of me
That's what they say
I'd be starving if I ate all the lies they fed
Cause I've been redeemed from your anguish and pain
A miracle child I'm floating on a cloud

We can choose whether to swallow all the words that other people speak rather than communicate with each other.  This has probably one of the biggest things that I've learned about being involved with people - relying on what comes from the horse's mouth, rather than from other people.  But of course, even when the horse doesn't speak, it's still having the naus to be able to speak up to the cow who's speaking bulls*** or the pig that's telling porkies.

Cause the words that come from your mouth 
You're the first to hear
Speak words of beauty and you will be there
No matter what anybody says
What matters the most is what you think of yourself

So I guess we just need to be more conscious about what we say to each other then.  I mean this is totally cool, because this is the learning that we need to have happen so that we can be able to stand being in the same room together, to be able to have a proper conversation, and not wait until some tragedy happens and then that's when we'll see each other again.  I think you will always only care about what you think of yourself, and I just need to be ok with that.  Just as you need to be ok with how I see myself.  I just think that we need to improve how we see each other, that's all.

The choice is yours
No matter what it is
To choose life is to choose to forgive
You don't have to try
To hurt him and break his pride
To shake that weight off
And you will be ready to fly

I am ready to move on and think about other things than being trapped in the past with trauma.
I mean, I forgive you, I forgive me, I forgive us, I don't want you to hurt, I don't want to hurt, I don't want us to hurt so let's think about how we can be able to fly together.

Get it together
You wanna heal your body
You wanna heal your heart
Whatsoever you sow you will reap
Get it together

I think the chorus of the song is more for me than for you.
You always seemed to be the who thought (and maybe even think) that you have it together.
I guess for me, it's been hard to get it together because I haven't just had myself to get together,
Almost everyone I have ever come into contact with has found something in me that they needed and that I knew that I could give, so in the journey to achieving my life mission, I have had to stop and take some pit stops along the way to help those who needed me, more than I needed myself.  I realise that now, and also realise that this will continue to be a way of life for me, and I don't resent that, not at all.  In fact I embrace it because it shows me that this is actually part of my life mission. . .

Friday, 24 July 2015

Oceans Away. . .

Conversation series - 2nd conversation with someone from my childhood

I sat with this song for a while,  Trying to figure out what to say.  I get these rare moments where I find the perfect song, but my mind can't seem to let the words flow and let it appear through my typing fingers onto the screen.  I think it has more to do with what to say to you, rather than writer's block in that sense.  I watch these words appear before my eyes as I type and I quickly understand that I am meant to feel this feelings of indecision as I write.  I'm uncertain about our future and how we will be when we meet again.

I hung out with the old folks
In the hope I'd get wise
I was trying to bridge the gap
Between the great divide

Hung on every recollection
In the theater of their eyes
Picking up on this and that
In the few that still survived

You were never one for talking to old people.  I'm not sure whether you felt like you were intimidated by them but I always loved hearing the stories about how life was challenging for them back then, and how they managed to overcome those obstacles.  I think each generation experiences their own challenges of course, but we take into account the types of things that we have now, that they would've marvelled at, had they existed in their time is pretty phenomenal.

Call them up, 'n dust 'em off, let' em shine
The ones who hold onto the ones
They had to leave behind
Those that flew and those that fell
The ones that had to stay
Beneath a little wooden cross oceans away

It's important to stay connected with your previous generation.
They are the ones who teach you all you need to know about life - they've lived it.
Why wouldn't you treat them like treasure in their old age?  I know that it's what we can do to honour them.

They bend like trees in winter
These shuffling old grey lions
Those snow white stars still gather
Like the belt around Orion

You won't get to see the importance of what it means to gather with people who are happy to see you, I mean genuinely happy to see you.  When people ask after you, it can be difficult to say exactly, what to say.  i mean what can I say?  I haven't heard from you?:  I'm not sure what you're doing with your life because I don't have any contact with you?  You're busy spending time with other people who you choose to spend time with, rather than me, us?  We used to be "we" once.  We used to be "us" once.  Orion still cries for you but I guess you can't hear the cries from oceans away.

Just to touch the faded lighting      
Of their powerful design
Of a generation gathering
For maybe the last time

I dread the times when we will gather for maybe the last time.
It is those times that I'm not sure how the next generation will be able to carry on without the well-considered guidance and wisdom of the old folks.  Will we still be able to maintain the values and principles that have been handed down from previous generations, while continuing to remain current with the times. yet still have room to consider future-proofing the family that are yet to be born?  The powerful design is a wildly beautiful and daunting thing to grapple with.  I'm not sure that I will ever understand my place, your place, our place in this powerful design until we have come and gone like this generation that is greying before our very eyes.

Oceans away, where the green grass sways
And the cool wind blows
Across the shadow of their graves
Shoulder to shoulder back in the day
Sleeping bones to rest in earth, oceans away, oceans away. . . 

I hope that wherever life takes away, that in one of those moments of clarity, you will think us while you are oceans away. doing what you're doing.  This bridge is probably the most significant part of the songs, because it is musically more interesting than the standard motifs that play in the verses.

I hope that when it is my time to explore the many lands, places and people that have to colour my life, that you will be able to return to us, that you will realise that you will never be able to own the home you are seeking or the kingdom you are trying to establish, without coming back to us.

All this time you are oceans away, what you have been searching for all along, has never left you.
We have been with you this entire time. while you have been oceans away. . . .

Thursday, 23 July 2015

The miracle of love. . .

This track is a song endorsement by +Anaru White 

How many sorrows
Do you try to hide
In a world of illusion
That's covering your mind?
I'll show you something
Oh I'll show you something good

Talking about love, showing it or not, it's all pretty cliche, well I think people think it is.
I think it has more to do with people's expectations of what they think love can be defined as rather than just experiencing it for whatever it is - without definitions or conforming to society's definition of love, if we are to go by the definitions of love found in Hallmark greeting cards.  Personally when it comes to cards, I like the ones with the blank pages inside so that you get to write whatever you like on it (or draw whatever you like on it) without trying to squeeze your thoughts or pictures around pre-determined text that sometimes doesn't adequately encapsulate what you're feeling anyway.

When you open your mind
You'll discover the sign
That there's something 
You're longing to find

I think it's hard to open your mind to anything when you limit your own experiences and you're unwilling to trust yourself in foreign situations.  How else will you know yourself the best without falling fast, falling hard and just well, falling really.  You will most likely discover something that you didn't know you were missing, you will most likely discover something that you didn't know you needed, but once you have it - you wonder how you ever functioned without it.

The miracle of love
Will take away your pain
When the miracle of love
Comes your way again

The chorus suggests that you should be open to love and accept it when it comes to you.  There are so many types of love that you probably won't know which one to accept when it does come to you.  But isn't that half the fun though?  We're so intent on trying to make things perfect and make things "right" that we don't think about just taking a step back and taking a long hard look at what we see in front of us.  If love is miraculous, it suggests to me that it has the power to empower you, that it is miraculous because now that is come your way again, it has transformed what you were before, because it has touched you maybe a little differently this time.  I think that is the miracle of love; that each time you let it touch you, it holds something a little different, it explores you a little if you let it.

Cruel is the night 
That covers up your fears
Tender is the one that wipes away your tears
There must be a bitter breeze
To make you sting so viciously
They say the greatest coward 
Can hurt the most ferociously

The iconic electric guitar features in the single release, but I prefer the semi acoustic guitar featured in the video clip.  This verse highlights for me the crazy things that love makes you do.  It can unravel you and make you do things that you normally wouldn't do.  But it's natural isn't it?  When you feel that you are unworthy of love or you have screwed up how to love people in the past, you deny yourself being to love any better in your present, let alone your future right?  I say don't be cruel to yourself and deny yourself the chance to love again, to love with all you can, and to love whoever you want with all of your heart.  If you've been holding back from being your most loving to family members, to people in your life that would most likely need it the most, then stop hurting yourself (and them) and let the miracle of love be.

I'll show you something good
Oh I'll show you something good 
If you open your heart
You can make a new start
When your crumbling world falls apart

People can show you how to love again, they can either show you or tell you and it normally clicks on in your mind when you need to understand it the most - but it will most likely scare the love right out of you.  Do you want to make a new start?  Can you even see beyond your crumbling world that is falling apart when you can't see past what you currently have?  Can you even see what you have if it's falling apart?  When things fall apart, you no longer start to recognise what you hold, it just loses shape and form right before your eyes so all you start to feel lose without any hope of understanding what you need to do or how to fix it (if you want it fixed in the first place).

The miracle of love
Will take away your pain
When the miracle of love
Comes your way again

I hope that you let the miracle of love heal you.  You might not even know that your heart needs healing because you've fooled yourself into thinking that you no longer need to love or be loved.
That's not possible.  Everyone needs love, even those that are the hardest to love.  They're entitled to love too, (even if they think they don't need it, they're the ones who need it the most ha!).

I hope that once you're unable to uncover the pain of your past and start to heal, you will "feel" once again.  That's the cool thing about the miracle of love; you never know you missed love until it magically transpires in your life and has come your way again. . .

Sunday, 19 July 2015

Hold back the river. . .

This blog post is dedicated to you, when you couldn't count on someone :-(

Here is the next trilogy of blog posts of a conversation I need to have with someone from my childhood.  We're adults now, but we're not exactly close anymore.  We've grown apart, as people are prone to do as their values shift and change, as their priorities evolve and how we choose to spend our time means that we will choose to spend our time away from each other.

Tried to keep you close to me
But life got in between
Tried to square not being there
But think that I should've been

Since you moved away, your contact has been less frequent, well let's be honest - it's non-existent really.  I appreciate that you have your own life to live and that you have plans of your own.  I get it.  You're your own person and you will do things the way you want, with no qualms about making decisions that are more to do with you, and less to do with me.  I accepted this decision you've made to have this "distance" for a while now and it does hurt less now, it does mean that I've accepted things more without the usual resentment, without residual resentment.  This could be a sign of growing up, of maturing and choosing to look beyond the obvious and just think about things from your perspective.  I can't begrudge you the freedom that I would've gladly grabbed with both hands if I wasn't in constant fear of

Once upon a different life
We rode our bikes into the sky
But now we're against the tide
Those distant days all flashing by

Isn't that the way though?  When you look at your childhood through sepia tinted glasses and everything seemed so much easier back then too.  Less money, less problems, but now mo' money, mo' problems and less time, less love because it's mo' selfish, mo' drama.  We can see that those days all stack up like looking through those film wheels of vistaview.  Each new scene of those distant days brings back smiles and memories of how things were and how we were much closer back then.  What happened?  How did we get to this space?  When did we stop caring about each other?  When did we stop communicating?  The tide is so strong now that even I can't hold back the river from connecting with it.
Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes
Hold back the river, so I 
Can stop for a minute and see where you hide
Hold back the river, hold back

You used to wonder what was up with me and want to look in my eyes and want to fix everything.  At first this was endearing, but then it became annoying because it felt like, just because you moved away, you thought you were more worldly than I, more experienced at making decisions that obviously I could never make because I chose to stay.  That's right, I chose to stay.  Well, it wasn't really much of a chance, but it had to be done, because all options escaped me and were taken from me,  So what do I have to do now?  Just make sure that I create my own opportunities and follow my own heart, mind, soul, passions and intuition where they lead me to meet people, go to places and dream in spaces that nobody can no longer touch and break.  So if you try to find me, it's too late, you see, I've become adept at hiding.

Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander
Let us hold each other
Lonely water, lonely water, won't you let us wander
Let us hold each other

I hope that one day we can hold each other again, but I fear that the day we get to do that will be one that I dread.  I don't want that day to come but I understand that it will be inevitable and we will not be able to escape it.  I think on that day, we will only be able to wander through the lonely water together and not be lonely anymore.

I hope that you're happy in your life, because that's all I ever wanted for you :-)

Saturday, 18 July 2015

Don't wake me up. . .

This blog post is dedicated to those who have never truly let go of themselves. . . 

I'm a huge fan of Lianne La Havas having blogged about her in previous posts (see Lost and Found, Unstoppable).  The opening of this song is one of my favourite introductions of all time.  I'm not sure if it's because the purity of unaccompanied vocals haunts me, coupled with the melody and the lyric content - it all seems like such a potent mix that leaves me a little bit breathless.

Don't wake me up
I am trying to find you
Oh, as I walk through
You're hiding in the corners of my mind

Never fear, I'll be close behind
My only love, I'll follow behind you
Won't go without you

I know your love weighs
Heavy on my heart
But you are my only counterpart

I love songs like this that you can get lost in.  I've probably listened to these first couple of verses on repeat so many times that I've lost count.  The second verse introduces the drones in the background that swells into the next verse when the piano finally enters.  To know someone who can be your counterpart means that you have found that one person who fits you completely.  They don't necessarily need to be someone who complements you in every way, but could even be someone who challenges everything that you've ever believed, and makes you want to punch them in the face (in a playful kind of way of course!).  The even more exciting part - they don't even need to be your soulmate or who you are with.  They can be someone you least expected to connect with.  Scary.

I made mistakes
But they're safely behind me
Now I can run free
The only true love I have ever known
Into yours, my life has been thrown
Still, I only think so
It's just the beginning
Sing when you're willing

There's something exhilarating that comes with being completely reckless and loving in whatever and whichever way with such abandon.  I bet it's the kind of freedom and fluidity that sadly most people will never experience because we're too hung up on what we think we should be doing, rather than exploring what we are feeling.  I think it is only when you come across someone who is on the same path of self- discovery as you, that you are able to fully realise your potential in this area and explore, navigate and venture out into the unknown with someone who will make that journey safe to embark on,

They say some things
Are better left unsaid
But I'd take my life
To stay in your bed

There are things that you would choose not to disclose.  Those types of non-conversation have always fascinated me.  It's definitely feeling the elephant in the room. but choosing not to acknowledge it, choosing to wait and see if someone else can be brave and bring up the subject.  It's those types of non-conversations that I find incredibly exciting because it's almost like you game of cat and mouse, or a well played strategic game of chess - depending on where your opponent moves, you can countermove.

When people are persistent and insistent, try to manipulate you in a sense to get what they want, do you cave under pressure?  I don't think I would give over everything in an attempt to keep someone.  I think that someone shouldn't force you to do that to yourself, it's almost like a twisted form of self-flagellation in a sense because you're willing to harm yourself and take such drastic measures just to keep them.  Depending on which side of the fence that you sit on, you can see this as being a highly romantic and passionate gesture or something that requires you to have psychiatric help and support.

Will I know
Why I lost control
Of my heart and soul
Because I know you
I can reach through

I hope you just lose control, and lose it spectacularly.
Rational thought and rational compartmentalisation of your feelings don't belong in the realm of love or anything to do with matters of the heart.  In fact. heart and head have never been a great combination in that respect.

I hope that you lost control with as many connections of people as possible.
Why do I say this?  Because it's the only way for you to learn and test how tough your heart can be when it needs to be.  I mean, how else are you going to develop resilience in your life without throwing your heart all over the room, testing its elasticity, stretching it to its limits and then putting it back on the shelf when you're done.

I don't need to know why I've lost control in the past, or even if I continue to do so.
I'm just grateful that I have something to lose, because it means that I can regain that with the right one. . . don't wake me up, I'm trying to find you, as I walk through. . . 

I'm still standing. . .

This blog post is dedicated to people who continually get challenged unnecessarily!
This track is also a song request by +Anaru White 

Initially this song centres on being able to survive a failed relationship or love affair.
I think when your relationship starts to becoming challenging because the honeymoon period is over, you start to think about the tactics that you will use in your arsenal - that is if you intend to hurt the other person that you're involved in.  I think about failed relationships that I have witnessed (both real and fake) and when you end things by hurting people. I simply think - that's the stupidest course of action to take.  I think wow, weren't you in love with that person like, not so long ago.  How fickle we can be when it comes to love.  Rational thought out the window, turbulent feelings take over.

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely night that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

When you start analysing the other person and give feedback about what you see about how they feel, how they have made you feel, you probably don't even realise, but you're on the pathway to making them feel bad or worse about themselves.  Once you see that what you're saying has no effect, you start to up the ante and say more hurtful things.  It's a ridiculous game that we play because we want to feel more powerful, feel more in control and don't care about the consequences of what we're saying (even if it does hurt) because we're feeling aggrieved and want to inflict as much damage as possible.

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing while you fade away

You need to bounce back don't you.  You need to come back and be as resilient as ever.  I mean you have to, because if you don't, you'll just be a lying heap of mess on the floor who can't cope and can't move out of that funk.  If you get a taste of love in a simple way, I guess it comes down to whether you are happy with what love it is you are experiencing.  

Don't you know I'm still standing than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

Pushing the love scenario aside, let's look at this song through another lens.
Do you have lifelong enemies?  Those are people who publicly smile at you but privately plot your demise.  Apart from making this sound like some over-indulgent episodes from Dallas or Dynasty, you might have these people in your life without you knowing.  When people try to hurt you, humiliate you, have your integrity and self-worth questioned or make it questionable, it's time to kick your action plan into gear and look after yourself.  What I mean is, you can avoid having to pick up the pieces of your life by making smart decisions about what you need to, who to surround yourself and who to trust.

Once I could never hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now. . . 

If you look at yourself as a loser, you are a loser.  I've been listening to a few people talk about how hard their life is, how much of a struggle they go through - but when I listen more deeply with emotions set aside, I realise that they are making excuses for past actions that they could've avoided with better decisions.  I'm not saying I'm perfect and have never made any mistakes, because that's not true and I don't believe that I would ever stop making mistakes - it's how I learn best.  But to deal with threats - both overt and veiled, you must be smart to enlist even smarter people to be your support crew.  If people try to do things to cut you down, you don't need to sit there and accept it.  Develop a faster response time and cut them before they cut you.  It sounds ruthless, but it's a dog-eat-dog world out there and unless you're quite happy to be eaten alive by unsavoury characters, then maybe you should be eaten alive.  I just tend to think about that Polish proverb that +Catriona Pene shared with me a few moons ago when people try to involve you in their drama - not my monkeys, not my circus.

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

I hope that you eventually learn how to stand tall.  I hope that if you get knocked down that you eventually learn how to stand up fast to stand tall again.  I hope that you can see me help me pull you up when you need me, because I'm still standing. . . 

Friday, 17 July 2015

The man who sold the world. . .

I've blogged about David Bowie in previous posts (see Space Oddity, As the world falls down, Modern love).  I've always loved his compositions and marvelled at the way (being the consummate professional that he is) in which he sings and articulates his lyrics.  In The man who sold the world I picture a music video in my mind (it's what I tend to do when I can't find one online lol) and there are couple of ways that I interpret this song too.  I've also decided to include three video clips of this track.  The first one is from the master himself David Bowie, the second clip is a recent cover version recorded by Tribal State and finally, the recording which probably revived the popularity of the songs by Nirvana as part of their MTV Unplugged session.

We passed upon the stair, we spoke of was and when
Although I wasn't there, he said I was his friend
Which came as some surprise I spoke into his eyes
I thought you died alone, a long long time ago

I imagine a distinguished looking man walking down a flight of stairs at some swanky party who passes another man on the same flight of stairs and the other man strikes up a conversation.  Has that happened to you?  You're just going about your business and trying to get away from the crowd at some social gathering and someone you don't recognise starts talking to you.  I often speak to people's eyes but say something different out loud lol.  I often wonder if I can communicate with people telepathically or whether people would hear my thoughts when I speak into their eyes.  I might often catch a raised eyebrow or a glazed look in the eye and then quickly abandon the idea.

Oh no, not me
I never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World

I think I often come face to face with people who have sold their worlds.  They might even be people who have sold themselves out to gain a place in the world that they always wanted to belong in and thought they needed to be in.  I've been fascinated lately with how people try to belong to things and attach themselves to people and try to ensconce themselves in little cliques (yes it's spelled cliques, I'm sick of people writing clicks - that's something else) and try to become exclusive.  One day maybe I might lose control and let rip with what I really want to do haha.  I think it might scare some people and they might think they're face to face With The Woman Who Lost Her Mind :-)

See Tribal State's cover version:

I laughed and shook his hand, and made my way back home
I searched for form and land, for years and years I roamed

When I have conversations with people, they might say something that shows me a little bit more of their humanity or fallibility and it makes an impact on me in that I start thinking about what that information or insight means for me in my world.  Will it cause me to search more within myself about how I see myself and the world?  Will it cause me to call into question my own deep seated beliefs that have shifted and adapted with the modernity of the times?  Will it cause me to search further afield, trying to find something or someone that helps me to make sense of the chaos that I am constantly faced with?

I gazed a gazely stare at all the millions here
We must have died alone, a long long time ago

I often think this when I'm in a crowded room of people, all standing around in their little cliques ensconced in conversations about trivial things, and I know them to be trivial because I can see looking at other people, looking at them up and down as if to give them a once-over on what other people are wearing (sorry then fashion police) then whisper behind their palms and giggle into their pretentiously labelled drinks.  Then I think, well, if I'm here, did I die alone, a long long time ago too?  I'm alone anyway since my husband died.  I'm never lonely as my thoughts, memories and ideas don't let me rest, but I think I have died multiple times, even more recently, over and over and I have been reborn each time as I remember my life's purpose that calls to me - even in my sleep, albeit my reluctance.

Who knows?  Not me
We never lost control
You're face to face
With The Man Who Sold The World. . . 

I think you know more than you let on.  I know, because I do that sometimes too.

I wonder if the distinguished looking man that went down the flight of stairs didn't actually see another man pass him and try to spark up a conversation.  In fact, the man was passing a reflective surface, a mirror, and when he looked up and caught his own reflection, he actually had that conversation with himself.  He didn't recognise that it was himself he was looking at in the mirror.  The gazeless stare that you reserved for millions of others, you gazed upon yourself that way - that empty stare which quickly turned to surprise, because you spoke to your own eyes, when you recognised the ancient you, the original you, the you that you almost forgot was always inside you but you buried beneath the surface as you built the world that you eventually sold.

You're face to face
With the Man Who Sold The World. . .

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Modern love. . .

This track is a song request from +Anaru White 

I've been enjoying some great conversations lately with some really cool people in my life and they've really been quite enlightening (hilarious of course, I surround myself with people who make me laugh, it's a pre-requisite, what can I say?!) and what I like about these conversations is that when you learn things about other people and really listen to what they have to say, you start to learn more things about yourself and start listening to yourself for a change too.  

I know when to go out
I know when to stay in
Get things done (spoken)

The way David Bowie speaks the opening lines had me in a fits of giggles for a while.  I had to keep listening to this spoken section at least 10 times because it's the way he says the lines that make me laugh.  It's not meant to be arrogant, although you would be forgiven for interpreting it that way, but to my ears it sounds like he's making fun of people who probably talk like that, sounding quite full of pomp and circumstance, feeling like they are a class above everyone else.  It's these types of people that make me roll my eyes because rather than telling people what you're like, I prefer to see what you're like or at least be shown with your actions what type of person you are.

I catch a paper boy
But things don't really change 
I'm standing in the wind
But I never wave bye-bye

But I try
I try

When you realise that things don't change, even when you're anticipating that they will, but either you're not in a position to make change happen or someone else is pulling the strings to make changes happen that you have no say in, it makes you think about what it is you're supposed to be doing, what you're supposed to do when you discover news of proposed changes.  Can we say goodbye to the things and people that we know when the time comes?  Are we as equipped to deal with change as we think we are?  What does this really mean for us all in the end?  Is it worth even trying?

There's no sign of life
It's the power to charm
I'm lying in the rain
But I never wave bye-bye

But I try
I try

Does this mean that having charm isn't a real thing?  That it's derived from something so contrived that it never was real, in fact, it's all part of a facade to make sure that we are not in control of who we really are, not sure about what it is we are really doing and what we are really mean to be achieving in this life?  We come to certain stages in our lives when we know full well that we should be moving on to new landscapes waiting to be explored, but we never stray far from the known and the comfortable, from the tried and true (and even then, this being "true" is also questionable), but I guess this is why we must continue to try.  Without any particular attention to a concerted effort, we will never arrive anywhere, let alone move.

Never gonna fall for 
Modern Love walks beside me
Modern Love walks on by
Modern Love gets me to the Church on Time
Church on Time terrifies me
Church on Time makes me party

We are so afraid of Modern Love - whatever that happens to look like these days.  I find that my idea of modern love has changed somewhat - and I'm not even talking about gender differences or sexual orientation, I'm actually referring to the definite blurred lines between the levels of intimacy that can be achieved without a single physical act.  The values and beliefs we are taught account for outdated views on what love was defined as and how it was accepted and practised in accordance with rules, regulations, laws of God and man.

Church on Time puts my trust in God and Man
God and Man no confessions
God and Man no religion
God and Man don't believe
in Modern Love. . . 

I hope that how I see love always changes with the modernity of the time.
This means that it doesn't matter how love manifests itself, how it is shown, given, articulated, expressed and exists - I will just be grateful for what love is supposed to do.  I guess the only people ready for love will be those that understand what Modern Love means. . . 

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Strength, courage and wisdom. . .

Inside my head lives a dream that I want to see in the sun
Behind my eyes there lives a me that I've been hiding for much too long
'Cause I've been too afraid to let it show 
'Cause I'm scared of the judgement that may follow
Always putting off my living for tomorrow

Sometimes we forget to keep our dreams alive because we're distracted by the other less inspiring and boring rubbish that the world (or society at large) want you to focus on.  I don't know about you, but I'm sick of hiding my "true self" and I'm over being judged by people who won't (or sadly ever will) understand where I'm coming from and what my important work is that I think I am destined to do, living out my life purpose, because I constantly have had to learn everything about their world, while they never learn about mine,

It's time to step out on faith, I've gotta show my face
It's been elusive for so long, but freedom is mine today
I've gotta step out on faith, It's time to show my face
Procrastination had me down but look what I have found, I found 

I think we forget that we are the prisoners of our own fate or destiny.  We sabotage ourselves because we are more attuned with believing everyone's doubts about our own abilities, capabilities and capacities - because there could never possibly be anyone as awesome as you are.  Why do we let the most far-fetched and negative things being done to us, being said about us - continue to rule how we live our lives?  Just because people say things doesn't mean they're true - but because those ill-informed opinions are being voiced, unless you counter those claims with statements of your own, you are in danger of causing yourself some serious harm.

Strength, courage and wisdom
And it's been inside of me all along
Strength courage and wisdom
Inside of me

I guess we don't know how much strength. courage and wisdom that we have until we are forced to use them, until we are pushed and extended in ways for our strength, courage and wisdom to be exercised.  I think the chorus of this song is quite powerful in that you don't need to look outside of yourself or even to others to inspire you; just trust what your inner voice says, trust what you have within, look inwards.

Behind my pride there lives a me, that knows humility
Inside my voice there is a soul, and in my soul there is a voice
But I've been too afraid, to make a choice
'Cause I'm scared of the things that I might be missing
Running too fast to stop to listen. . . 

That state of indecision, fear of trusting your own voice because up until this point, you've never really had people believe in you to the point where that translate and transfers into self-belief right?  Once you flip that switch and start believing in the voice of your soul, in your soul's voice, you will no longer be afraid to make choices that are right for you, you will no longer be afraid to live the life you want and make choices that focus on you for a change, and not others who can't control the consequences of their poor choices.
I found it in me, I found it finally
I'm sure to keep it, 'cause I like it, I say thank you. . .  

I hope you continue to find more gems within you that you can bring out and share with the world.  I don't think there is anything more satisfying than being able to defy the odds, smash stereotypes and just being able to celebrate yourself - even when people wish you weren't the clever clogs or the beautiful, phenomenal woman that you are.

Like yourself, love yourself, because the world can't help but fall in love with a woman who is self-assured and is just happy being who she is.

I know I am :-)

Monday, 13 July 2015

Let it go. . .

This track is a song request from +Anaru White 

From walking home and talking loads
To seeing shows in evening clothes with you
From nervous touch and getting drunk
To staying up and waking up with you

But now we're sleeping at the edge
Holding something we don't need
All this delusion in our heads
Is gonna bring us to our knees

There's always that contrast isn't there, that not-so-subtle juxtaposition of nervousness and realness that comes with new relationships, spending time together, staying up and waking up - like there aren't enough hours in the day to adequately capture the feelings and experiences of getting to know somebody.  It's that part of a connection or relationship that I love the most.  That newness and excitement of trying to figure each other out.  Of course, trying to hold onto a spark in a relationship never works because you can never hold onto something intangible or as elusive that isn't mean to be pinned down.

I used to recognise myself
It's funny how reflections change
When you're becoming something else
I think it's time to walk away

When relationships start to change you in ways that you can't recognise yourself, that's the best signal that lets you know that it's time to move on, walk away and close the door.  When our close friends try to tell us that we're not who we are when we're in these relationships that change us, we resist and tell ourselves that they're just jealous that we're happy and they're not.  When I've had friends tell me this in the past, I had to learn the hard way about the changes that pushed me so far in thew wrong direction that I stopped recognising who I was in the mirror.  

Trying to fit your hand inside of mine
When we know it just don't belong
There's no force on earth
Could make me feel right, no

Trying to push this problem up the hill
When it's just too heavy to hold
Think now it's time to slide

Sonically, this bridge works because of the subtle shift into whispered tones.  It makes me think about the fact that you can sometimes whisper things to yourself or have inner thoughts that you keep within, because you suspect on the off-chance that you decide to say things out loud - that it will force you to make a decision about something that you aren't prepared to make.  

There's nothing worse than trying to make things fit when they obviously don't.  It's a bit like when you were a child trying to fit a round ball into a square peg - no matter how hard you try to push things into place, to force them to conform or make them stay in place, they never really quite take to its surroundings.  We need to be aware that when things become too big for us to handle, when we should be looking at ways to make things more manageable for ourselves and start accepting facts about who we are, what we have let ourselves become and how we can move forward from there - when will you reach the breaking point so that you know when it's time to let things slide?

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

And I'll be me

I hope that you will always be you - the you that I've come to know and understand. 
Even if you do change, I hope that you change because it's a natural part of your development and that you never feel pressured to conform but change like the changing of the wind or the tide - when it becomes part of how you let yourself move fluidly between worlds, between situations.  

Give yourself the permission to just be who you are.  There is nothing that I want more for you.
Just your happiness, your well-being and your peace of mind is all that I hope for you :-)

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Get a hold of yourself. . .

This blog post is dedicated to those of us looking for answers :-)

As I sit and wait for some answers
The questions go round like Kamikaze pilot
Enlightenment's just a romancer
I wish it were here burning brightly through the skylight

The whole idea of waiting for answers, hoping that by some sheer stroke of good luck, those answers just magically appear, materialising in your lap, or in front of your eyes.  It comes to fruition because you've been searching earnestly for those answers like you're Dora the Explorer collecting clues, reading maps to get to your destination.  But what if we don't know how to interpret those answers? What do we do when the answers we get are even more ambiguous than the questions we had in the first place?  What if the answers never take us to where we need to go?

If Enlightenment is just a romancer, does this mean that it was never about truth, which is why those answers are so elusive and hard to find?  Do we get distracted and mesmerised by this idea of Enlightenment that we don't see it for what it really is - nothing but a romantic fantasy that we need to accept.

Get a hold of yourself
Get a hold of yourself, now boy
Get a hold of yourself
Get a hold of yourself now

Are you able to get a hold of yourself?  Sometimes we need to get a grip on reality - but for the most part I know so many people who are unhappy with their current realities and it makes me think.  Why stay in those realities that you don't like?  I know for some they don't have a choice, but it's because past decisions have lead them to their current reality that is just a daily grind.

If everyone here is invited
I'm more in the dark than I ever even guessed
Should I cling to something solid
I wish it were here dressed up in its Sunday best

I don't know about you, but I'm not one for surprises.  I'm not saying that I don't like pleasant surprises but there is definitely something about not knowing how to deal with not being in control of a situation or having some fair idea about what's going on.  It's something that you learn about being able to participate with the appropriate social cues in contexts where quite frankly, you could quite happily avoid.

What is something solid that I can cling to?  It can't be people who try to push you away and will tell you anything to stop you getting too close.  I've been figuring that out a lot lately and I think I'm ok with being this intuitive with people.  I mean, I can't make them feel better about me knowing or feeling how they operate, because it's something I've always been able to do - I can't switch that off.  It's a gift.

Get a hold of yourself
Get a hold of yourself, now boy
Get a hold of yourself
Get a hold of yourself now

I hope that what you need to get a hold of - if it isn't yourself because you're still learning to trust yourself, learning to trust what your decision making skills are (and hey be honest, you don't know who you are until you come against some tough situations, that's when you know yourself the most) to lead you to where you need to be.

I hope that once you do get a hold of yourself, that life for you is like the guitar accompaniment in this song - gentle but with enough motion to propel you forward to enjoy the scenery that you have yet to see.  I'll even let you hold onto me from time to time.  It's what friends are for right?

All my life. . .

This is the final song in this conversation series of three consecutive blog posts.  I will think about the next conversation posts for other people over the coming week.  

I've chosen All my life because I think it encapsulates what you've been telling me about your journey in life so far.  I think if you listened really closely to the lyrics and how the music has that interplay to express the lyrics, you will definitely find something to push you towards achieving your dream.

All my life I've been searching for something
Something never comes never leads to nothing
Nothing satisfies but I'm getting close
Closer to the prize at the end of the rope

I think it's clever how the last word at the end of each line in this verse is used to start the next line.  As a songwriter yourself, you appreciate the nuances of what it means to be clever in writing your own material and how you carefully choose the right lyrics, the right inflection and notes to attach to the syllables and what the music should sound like as a block or wall of sound while you're carrying the melody.  

All night long I dream of the day
When it comes around then it's taken away
Leaves me with the feeling that I feel the most
Feel it come to life when I see your ghost

I totally understand that you feel like you've been alone in this journey.  When you have a single-minded vision that seems so overwhelming, it can be difficult to get a handle on how to break it down and come up smaller goals to achieve it - but this is what you need to do.  When you want to run away, act out and distract yourself with meaningless exploits that you end up regretting, then the only person that loses out in the end - will be you.  This is probably why when a residual figure like a ghost appears, it is a reminder of the purpose that you must serve.  It's not about us, but about who the dream is meant to serve.

Come down don't you resist
You have such a delicate wrist
And if I give it a twist
Something to hold when I lose my grip

I promised you that I would be here to support you and your dream.  I think that I care about your dream so much, because I can't imagine a world without the beauty of art, of music, of something that can be created by God-given talents - why should the world lose out on that?  There's no need to twist my arm when you start to lose your grip.  I imagine that if there is a greater good that must be served, you recognise this yourself, there will be people that are placed in your path, that are positioned to help you realise your dreams.  You should quickly realise the people that are placed in your life to dissuade you from the pathway you should be on.  I don't need to remind you.

Will I find a believer
Another one who believes
Another one to deceive
Over and over down on my knees

I think you know deep within yourself whether you choose to find believers, or find people to deceive.  Do you think that if you convert people to believers, that you are deceiving them?  I don't know if you understand what you do sometimes.  Hindsight can be 20/20 and you start to realise the consequences of your action, when you've seen the impact of those actions on the people that are nearest and dearest to you.  It's the kneeling and feeling remorse after each transgression, I mean it's like, how much longer can we fool ourselves?  Are we actually looking in the mirror and not realising that we have actually been deceiving ourselves this whole time?  That we have mistakenly thought that we have made believers of our own deception.  I shudder at the thought but I'm sure we aren't there yet - we haven't gone past the point of no return yet.

If I get any closer
And if you open up wide
And if you let me inside
On and on I've got nothing to hide
On and on I've got nothing to hide

I've gone through life collecting people and looking after them.  Like you have said to me, you have had many friends that you have interesting conversations with because you feel that you learn something with each new conversation with these people.  Those are the people that you meet in a season, or people that you meet for a reason.  How about those people that you meet for life lessons?    I don't think you need to worry about disclosing anything to me.  I think people would be genuinely surprised to know that there is nothing that I haven't heard, there is nothing that can't shock me.  I've heard it all.  I think this is what makes me a great listener, an empathetic writer and an intuitive person.

Hey don't let it go to waste
I love it but I hate the taste
Weight keeping me down (x2)

Just like in the previous blog post Refuge in the roads, we need to remember to lighten the load, keep things manageable, keep things light, because there will always be people who want to make things difficult, who want to put up roadblocks and stop us from achieving our goals.  Those types of people are meant to be in our lives - because they are the obstacles that we must overcome.  Then when we get to achieve and accomplish our goals and our dreams - the victory is that much sweeter.

I hope that you learn to acquire a taste for the dream that doesn't stop you from achieving it.
All of the hardships that you will face as a result of pursuing this dream - is part and parcel of what to expect.  If the dream was easy to achieve, everybody would have achieved it already.  

Final words - be happy, pursue what makes you happy, surround yourself with people who make your happy - so that you can then go on and share that happiness with the rest of the world.  When you start to falter and lose faith in yourself, just remember that I will always believe in you.  Pure and simple :-)

Saturday, 11 July 2015

Someone new. . .

This is the second blog post in a series of conversations that I would have with people (or wish that I had).  I think it's quite a liberating feeling to do this, and I think this is part of who I am in a sense.  I mean I get private messages from people telling me how much they love reading about my insights and how they can relate to what I talk about.  I think these next few blog posts are no exception.

Don't take this the wrong way
You knew who I was with every step that I ran to you
Only blue or black days 
Electing strange perfections in any stranger that I choose

You're absolutely right.
I did know who you were when I stumbled across your path, so I shouldn't be surprised.
But I think I am - surprised, that is.
I know you have elected strange perfections in me because you seem to have allocated some functions, roles and responsibilities that I have accepted without really thinking too much about the impact of what I was agreeing to - that they come with strings attached that I didn't see - was the string invisible to the naked eye or something?
I have also elected to be here during those blue or black days - so there is really no excuse for feeling off kilter or feeling other than content, satisfied and completely in tune with what "this" is.  Whatever "this" is.

Would things be easier if there was a right way honey?
There is no right way

No I don't think there is a right way.  If things are meant to be easy - they would be easy.  But obviously if things are hard, then there are some circumstances that you need to look at, to examine to figure out exactly if you cause it, or you're involved in a scene that isn't healthy for you or you just enjoy it, but you're quietly in denial about the whole thing.  In any case, I'm not judging.  I don't judge.  I'm the last person that can judge.

There's an art to life's distractions 
To somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through
Some like to imagine
The dark caress of someone else, I guess any thrill we do

Now the thrill has worn off and you don't want to feel anymore caresses from other people.
So how can we minimise these distractions because they are getting in the way of the art that you say is who you are, what defines you, what drives you and completes you.
You want to be thinking about how you can conquer these dark inclinations that stall you and sidetrack you from fulfilling your greater purpose, the mission that you keep talking about but can't stay focused on.

I wake at the first cringe of morning
And my heart's already sinned
How pure, how sweet a love, Aretha, that you would pray for him

Musically, this is probably the most different part of the song and probably where you would be at your most cynical.  You haven't been cynical in as many words, but your actions kind of show your cynicism quite vividly.  I'm not sure if you're aware of it, but it's becoming increasingly more apparent to me.  The emphatic pounding of the bass drum with the last line of this bridge tells me how far caring for someone can go - particularly when they occupy your prayers.

It can often feel like wishing so much goodwill and being a support person for someone can only go so far as the person is willing to support themselves, can only go so far as the person being able to admit what it is they actually want to do in their life.

And so I fall in love, just a little or a little bit everyday with someone new
I fall in love, just a little or a little bit everyday with someone new
I fall in love, just a little or a little bit everyday with someone new
I fall in love, just a little or a little bit everyday with someone new

Despite what the video clip shows, I too have been guilty of falling in love with new people all the time.  I fall in love with the things that they say, the way they think, the way they say that I make them feel about themselves, the way that we connect on so many levels that don't even delve into the physical.  I think you can't co-exist with people if you don't love them all to some degree - some of course you will love more than others, but do we really need to start engaging in some kind of ranking order here?

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better. . .  but if you're going to engage in stranger love, be aware of stranger danger. . .