Friday, 19 June 2015

Where does this door go. . .

This blog post is dedicated to all who are faced with an unknown door that they must open. . . 

Things haven't been as black and white, as straight forward as I would like.  This is because there are some things that I can't touch, can't talk about, can't think about, can't linger over that would lead to anything conclusive, constructive, useful or just makes you feel plain, downright good.  I think I've mentioned before that sometimes colder weather brings about those winter blues.  This track is also the title track from Mayer Hawthorne's third album Where does this door go.

And to think
All along
I was lost
But not alone
Now that I've crossed
To the unknown
I'm looking for a way back home
A way back home. . . 

I took a long walk home today.  I haven't walked that far in a long time and I was reminded about why I liked walking so much in my previous life (or in my many previous scenes of several former lives if you will), because it gave me the opportunity to clear my mind and mull over some feelings or issues that I was trying to resolve within myself before expressing them (or choosing not to express them) to the people concerned.  I don't think I've ever been alone on the road home.  I realise that I might have had people from my past walking alongside me holding my hand and I didn't even know it, but a tell-tale sign like a slight pressing of a touch in my palm or a song that wafts through the air from a shop that I walk past that triggers an association with a memory or person.  Home is starting to feel these days not like a physical home, but a place in my mind of a time where I was the most happiest - far from people trying to ruin or taint those golden memories with their envious claws.

Where does this door go
I haven't been through
It's not feeling normal
What do I do
And after all I thought that I knew
Where does this door go

I haven't been through. . .

Don't you hate it when it's not until you've gone through the door that something starts to feel weird.  Aside from the fact that we are starting not to understand what feeling normal is like these days because we become desensitised to things that once shocked us, because we're much more inclined to accept the worst of ourselves and explain that away.  I'm starting to think that the one constant in our lives is that nothing is constant.  So rather than try to find things in the here and now and try to get this to a fixed destination or a set point in time - I am slowly realising that life will be full of doors that will be unknown to you; that you must open those doors (reluctantly, with gusto, apprehensively, without fear, we're in a constant state of flux!) to get to where we are meant to go and just be there.

And to think
All this time
I played it straight
On the line
Took a step
To the side
Now I'm looking for a place to hide
A place to hide

I haven't been through. . . 

I hope that you don't start hiding for too long.  I think it's ok to hide for a little while until you gain your bearings, take into account what your surroundings are, who is there with you and just fully embrace that the unknown will forever be where you need to be.  I am no longer fearful about being the only person I know in a place full of people I don't know.  I am no longer fearful about being vulnerable and coming across people that I would normally be suspicious of - just know that they are there for a reason.  In fact, what I know is that, rather than playing things straight these days - just take a deep breath, put your hand on the door knob and don't even try to understand where does this door go. . .