Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Lost & Found. . .

This blog post is dedicated to +Monique Simpson 

Relationships are tricky things to navigate.  They can be like running through a meadow with flowers in full bloom and fragrance swirling around you or they can be like running away from demons chasing you down a dark alley (oops sorry that's a scene from Ghost).  It takes a lot to put your trust in someone to go on this journey together that you need to navigate, because it relies on team work, communication, being honest and real about your own deepest flaws, secrets and desires.  You would disclose this information over time to help build that trust and make common connections to lead to a relationship.  But what happens when that relationship cracks?  When you awake from the reverie of a relationship that you finally realise was a crazy nightmare that you can no longer ignore. . .

Come upstairs and I'll show you where all my
Where my demons hide from you
Just look at who I have become I am so ashamed
You were the one who made me feel the way that I do

If you invite people upstairs to your mind - would they understand what you will show them?
Sometimes you might even struggle to understand what you think about yourself, about how you want to be in the world, let alone about yourselves in a relationship that threatens to make you as a person or breaks you into a million pieces so that even you can't recognise where to begin when you go to put yourself together.

You broke and taught me
To truly hate myself
Unfold me and teach me how to be
Like somebody else

These lyrics are repeated often throughout the song and I imagine the singer sitting in a corner with a tear stricken face, mascara and eyeliner streaked, lipstick smeared, hair disheveled and clothes unkempt - repeating these lyrics.  The variations on these lyrics betray the depth of the emotions in the tone that bleed out each time they are sung.  I think I've mentioned before in previous blog posts about the beauty that I find in pain.  I think it's because it's painful to endure, that it is beautiful.

\And I felt strong enough
I was discovered by the love
I had been waiting for so long
You told me none of that was real
I cannot hide how low I feel
To know that you were never wrong

Would I blame someone for making you feel this broken?  It's easy to do that and something that people often do to cope with how embarrassed they feel about how they handled things - and it's not because they don't want to be embarrassed in front of an audience but more to do with the high standards and expectations that you would place upon yourself for allowing yourself to get hurt, to allow someone in who wreaked havoc on your emotions.  It's that sense of betrayal that you don't think about when you choose to take a punt on love, throw caution to the wind in the pursuit of happiness.

You are lost and found
Falling out my babe
Broken down
Broken down. . . 

At 2:26 the music changes and I can't imagine the song without it, before it returns to the familiar refrain.  To me this signals that in relationships, you will come across that plateau that allows you to see things with such clarity, with such conviction in the knowledge that you know you have been mistreated, but you allowed it.  So rather than engage in that form of abuse towards yourself, you need to create improved parameters for how you will love, how you will connect in the future, so that when you are broken again, you won't be broken down forever, but just long enough to heal, to acknowledge that you have been lost for a little, but remain hopeful that you will be found again. . .