Monday, 4 May 2015

Bursting through. . .

NZ Music Month - Bursting Through by Bic Runga

From her album Drive, this was one of my favourite tracks from this album.  I have written about Bic Runga in a previous blog post (see Something good).  The main instruments that feature for me in this track is the rhythmic percussion, emphasised by the tom toms coupled with the strings, it weaves together a fabric of texture that is only pierced only by the lead guitar with its long drone notes.

I'm counting stars 
Lying under, watching you through walls
All the lights have gone out
I know you're listening now
You've been spinning around, turning slowly
Orbiting around my house
And it's a feeling I get 
I know you're listening now. . . 

I have different memories associated with this song.  Past experiences can often do that - the songs can help to pinpoint when you heard these songs and help to explain why you think you were feeling that way at that point in time or you were with someone in a "moment" that can never be recaptured, or you're particularly in that "moment" when something should have been said - but it wasn't.  Time doesn't do what we're expected to do in the past as conscientious video rental consumers - we're not kind and rewind.  I often think about the perfect song that would help to explain situations that I'm in that words couldn't articulate purely on its own, because there had to be a melody and accompaniment associated with it to add extra layers of meaning, but I guess I'm biased because that's just the musician in me.

Warm me today, warm me today
Filter in my lonely room
Warm met today, warm me today
Look outside the sun is bursting through, bursting through
Oh it's filling up this room

An arrangement of this song was featured in a tribute musical written by New Zealand music teacher Hamish Arthur entitled For Today that also featured a whole host of other kiwi songs.  It was a high school musical that I was the music director for in 2008 at the high school where I worked.  My late husband really liked this song and he was a fan of the student who sang this song - she was the female lead in the musical.  The thing that made me laugh the most was the fact that he recorded her performing the song and did a remix to it.  He was always making me laugh doing things like that.  He was my sun.  I never hd to look far to know where he was in the room.  He could fill a room like that with his aura and presence.  

Now my fingers are cold
But I have touched you
You're all I need to know
Don't fade from me now
I'm know you're listening somehow

All you can give, all you can give
Twisting by its more than the light
It's all you can give, all you can give
Look outside the sun is bursting through, bursting through
Oh it's filling up this room. . .

People who experience grief do so in so many different ways and can fall in and out of grief depending on certain triggers that can set them off.  When changes happens quite suddenly, it's like someone reaching inside your chest and pulling your heart - you know you can't breathe without your heart pumping blood and oxygen around your body so obviously you must be close to death.  The coldness of my fingers have more to do with being subjected to the cold, and I'm not just talking about the cold in the weather.  You will experience cold spots now and then and will rush to find comfort and solace in having some warmth to bring back some life back into your fingers.

Warm met today, warm me today
Look outside the sun is bursting through, bursting through
Oh it's filling up this room. . .

Even though my sun has gone, I am still warmed by the rays he has left behind.
Those rays linger in the memories I hold in my mind, in the memories that I can share with those who loved him the most.  It will be coming up to almost two years since his passing, and that familiar feeling of dread is starting to creep in when I can remember the pain, the shock to the system and the sudden unbearable awareness that my life wasn't going to be the same again.

When I find the sun warming my skin on a particularly cold day or the sun hits my eye when I open the curtains each morning - I am reminded of my sun who has escaped this world but still leaves his rays behind for me to feel warmth, even if it is only for a fleeting moment that will being a smile to my face and a memory to last my whole lifetime.

I love you Loma,  You will always be my sun bursting through :-)