Sunday, 22 March 2015

Numb. . .

I've written about Linkin Park before in a previous blog post (see One step closer).  I've always loved this particular song as it always felt like an ultimate thrash song to me, a track that you blasted in your house at the top level of your sound system and danced around your lounge, head banging and dancing wildly to (a great way to release some pent up emotions or lose that tense energy that continues to build).  I also felt that Numb is a great track to blast out to your parents or someone else in your life who puts so much pressure on you and this is the exact song you need to let them know how they are making you feel.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost beneath the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

Why do people do that?  Continually put you under so much pressure that you feel that nothing you do is right?  That every step that you take, even if you were to retract it and place it in another direction would still be deemed wrong.  It wouldn't actually matter where you decided to go, it's just that other people feel like they have all of the control over you and can make decisions for you, especially when it comes down to how you live your life and what you should be doing.  Why is it that people feel that they can make those life changing decisions for you without your consent?  Do you often wonder how you can break free from the hold they have over you? Would it be as simple as stepping back and making sure that you make some preparations to escape without letting them know?  I've often read about people who were considered missing, actually report missing by their loved ones, only to be found 20 years later in another state, in another country living a new life away from those that sought to oppress them.

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

When people feel like they have some type of ownership of your life (I guess that celebrities would probably feel this more keenly than everybody else, because the public view them as public property). it can take you nerves of steel and for you to dig as deep as possible to find ways to disappear, to loosen that grip somehow.  Who will you enlist to help you in your quest for freedom?  Would potential supporters even believe your stories?  Because you have let everything fall apart around you, how will you hope to push on and rise above it all?  Who will empower you to make these changes?  The only thing rising seems to be the blood pressure that threatens to bring on a heart attack with every second that you feel is wasted.

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you. . . 

That generational level of disappointment, I think parents can often forget how much they had also been at some points, been a disappointment to their own parents.  I guess it comes down to how we manage this as adults and learn how to not necessarily make it easier for the generation, but at least let our children know that even though we have high expectations, that they can still fully come to us with their problems and know that we will be supportive of their issues, and know exactly how to find support for them, until we can come around with seeing things from their perspective.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I hope that we start living our lives not blaming our parents for our problems,  I don't believe that the poor decision making that our parents have done to be the root cause of how we choose to live our lives.  (Sorry therapists - I'm not prepared to do that).  But what I am prepared to do, is to learn from my parents by standing tall, choosing to be like them with the best that they have to offer me - which is a great understanding of my heritage language and culture to inform the diverse identities that I hold in this world - because this is what makes me a functional human being in the greater world at large and able to understand the many societies that I find myself operating in.

I hope that I continue to "be" in the world.
That's all I want to do. . .