Sunday, 11 January 2015

Take me as I am. . .

I've written about Rumer before in a previous blog post (see "Slow").  I love the tone of her voice.  It's smooth, hypnotic and it dances around my head.  I've always been a sucker for tonal qualities in voices and her voice sounds like the right blend of woodwind and strings in my ears.  There are very few artists that I can listen to over and over again and not tire of listening to their voices.  It's almost like my ears are attuned in the genetic makeup to something it hears in voices and at its extreme, is compelled to listen to these voices to stay alive (sounds slightly creepy, but I guess a writer's way of articulating how much she loves music ha!)

Is there a place where all that I've lost
Will be returned to me?
And is there a day the souls that I pray to
Are coming back to me?

I wonder when what I've lost will be returned to me.  I wonder when the souls that I long to be with again, will be returned to me.  I wonder when all that has been lost, and all the souls - will be the same before I lost them?  Will they have changed?  Will they be better than what I imagined them to be, be better than the memories that I have of them?  I guess I could plan the day that those souls would come back to me, but I don't yet know the day of my death, and I think I'm not meant to know.

Don't tell me it's all right
It'll never be all right
Why don't you come, why don't you come back?
I need a love that's unconditional
Why don't you try to understand?
Why don't you come, why don't you come back?
If this love is unconditional, why don't you take me as I am?
Just take me as I am. . . 

I almost feel like I'm trying to make you understand what it is I need, but can't find or have in this world.  I don't think that there is someone here who would be able to give me this unconditional love that I might crave - not because they're not capable of doing so, but I don't think that they would be able to understand what I am. . . what am I?

Why is it taking so long for you to come back anyway?  Where are you?  Is it someplace that you can come back from anyway?  Do you want me to find you and bring you back?  Sometimes I think that I would find someone giving me unconditional love as something too overwhelming.  I suspect that I would find it overwhelming to the point that I would most likely burst with not being to contain the pressure of the unconditional love - is it safe for me to crave this unconditional love when I don't think I have the capacity to contain it?  Can it be contained?  Is this why I'm waiting for you to come and take me as I am?  Because only you can teach me about how to hold this unconditional love?

The love that I seek, is it hidden beneath
A wound that won't bleed?
Look, is there something that you want?
Is there something you need from me?
'Cause I tell you now, these hands are empty
And it aches my bones to be here on my own without it
Watching the love that I'm craving
Getting further from all that I wanted. . . 

I see.
It's hard to see a wound when it won't bleed.
I feel such a deep sense of loss that is hard to explain, hard to encapsulate into words and just hard to bear (at the worst of times).  I think it's hard to be on my own when the love that I had is further from what I wanted.  I think once it gets too much further away, I won't be able to recognise what love looks like and feels like anymore.  Would I even miss it?  And if I saw or felt love again - would I even know what to do with it?  I probably wouldn't even know what I wanted anymore.  That's a scary thought isn't it.  Not knowing what you want.  They always say hindsight is 20/20.  Does this mean I always have to wait until something has to happen for me to recognise what it is I'm seeing and feeling?  I feel the ache in my bones starting to feel stronger.  How to make the ache go away. . .

If you look in my eyes, you'll see
Sorrow rising and falling
Oh, 'cause the love that I'm craving's getting
Further away from all that I wanted. . . 

I hope that you take a good look at yourself and see what is in your own eyes.
Is the love that you're craving getting further away from what you wanted?
Are you going to do anything about it?  Can you do anything about it?  Do you want to do anything about it?  I'm worried that I might get to the stage where I won't know what the sensation of craving would feel like anymore.  Would that be a good thing?  I guess I will need to wait for when all that I've lost is returned to me and the day when the souls I've prayed to will be reunited with me. . .