Sunday, 11 January 2015

Pualena. . .

It's taken me so long to write something about this song.  Pualena by Vika.  It has crossed my mind so many times. I've heard it on different occasions in so many different places and it feels like you're as close to me as ever.  I've mentioned this before on a previous blog post (see "I never dreamed you'd leave in summer"), that I heard this song in the foyer of the Pasifika graduation venue for my Master's last year.  I remember wishing that Loma was with me, because he would've been excited to see me graduate, he passed away before the ceremony.  I remember whispering, "I wish you here."
In that instant, this song wafted out to me on the foyer from the auditorium.  I knew you were with me.  This is the song that Loma sung to me as I walked down the aisle on our wedding day.

Island baby you're so beautiful, you drive me crazy
You know you're all that I need. so much more
Your strength and beauty, I can see in your eyes
I lose sight of my world, baby love
No words can hold what's truly on my mind
Just feel the beat of my heart
And you'll know what I mean

The guitar introduction is something you would play all the time, quite leisurely on the guitar without any effort.  If you practised any new riffs, you wouldn't move on until you had the technique down.  The thing that I admired the most about you was your single-minded focus when it came to rehearsing the music that you enjoyed.

You're my Pualena, you're so beautiful
God knows I love you, you're all I need
Pualena, you take my breath away, Pualena

When you left, your friends and family never ceased to tell me how much you loved me.
It was funny because as much as you told me and wrote to me in Valentine's Day cards how much you loved me, it was different hearing and seeing other people tell me.  It's not because I didn't believe you when you told me you loved me, it's just that you told others so vehemently about how much you did love me.  I felt it in the way they told me, how their voices sounded, the tone of their voices when they told me about how much you loved me.  I really must have taken your breath away. . .

You know lately all I think about is holding you closely
And never leaving your side I'll keep you warm
Time passes by and still you're on my mind
I can't imagine living my life without you girl
The special moments only you and I can share
Will always keep us together and never apart

I miss having your arms around me holding me closely.
You gave the best hugs.  You've left my side now so I don't feel the warmth anymore.
Am I still on your mind as much as you're on mine?
I have to be careful in that, as much as I do miss you, I can't afford to be consumed by grief and forget about how to live in this world without you.  I can't share anymore special moments with you physically but I'm pretty sure you're the one responsible for those special moments now that you've got the inside scoop ha!  I guess thinking this way helps me to think about how we can still be together in this sense without being too sad for too long.

Time passes by and still you're on my mind
I can't imagine living my life without you girl
The special moments only you and I can share
Will always keep us together and never apart. . . 

There is no time frame for grief.
When I least expect it, I can be consumed by an overwhelming wave of grief that is difficult to ride, but I need to ride out the wave and let it pass, wait for it to subside.
I hope that you will watch out for me and keep an eye on me when you think I need it the most.
You always were a good judge of character, steering me away from people that were no good for me and you expressed this in such a way where it wasn't condescending (you learned that I didn't like condescension the hard way!) but I knew that you genuinely cared about my happiness and you never wanted me to be hurt.

I hope that wherever you are my love, that you are free and enjoying how much of a rat race that we are living.  You're probably laughing at how silly we must look, with all of the wrong priorities, living all the wrong ways in our lives and completely missing the mark.  I hope that you continue to send more special moments that you think I need.  I will remember you . . .