Friday, 16 January 2015

I wish. . .

It's the weekend here in Aotearoa.  Well, technically it's Saturday, the beginning of the weekend but every worker in the country knows that the weekend started when they finished work yesterday (unless they're working today because they work weekends so it sucks to be them right now).

I associate weekends with church activities (primarily on Sundays, sometimes on Saturdays) but I mostly associate weekends with good music, spending time with friends, reflecting on the week that was and making plans for the coming week.  One of the songs that I associate with the weekend (thanks in no small part to the many fundraising socials I have had the misfortune or the privilege - hey, it depends on whether I like the hosts or not, let's be real in 2015!) is this lovely track I Wish by Gabrielle. This single was released in 1993 and like most people in my generation, when we attend socials we like to listen to the music of our youth, our glory days (high school days) and associate (shucks that's the most time I've used the word 'associate' in a single paragraph!) this track with memories that we have had, moments with other people.  This song followed me right into university life (complete with more socials!) and even now, it's one that I remember with fond memories.

You don't know what you do to me
Sometimes I find you knock me off my feet
Oh how I wish that we could be alone
Oh how I wish to me that you belonged

I often watch you when you're least aware
Even though I know it's really rude to stare
Sometimes I find I just can't help myself
'Cos I want you, want nobody else

Have you ever let yourself get carried away with these types of feelings?  It's a difficult thing to do to try and suppress your feelings for someone, because you don't want them to know how you feel, you can't let them know how you feel or you're embarrassed that maybe they do know how you feel, but both know you can't do anything with it, so it becomes the elephant in the room every time you're together.  I think it would reach 'panic stations' proportions if you were to find yourself alone with that person because as much as you have all of this fantasy feelings swimming around in your head, it's hard to articulate them, to put them into some semblance of coherence that would make sense to you first, before blurting it out.

Watching someone is kind of creepy.
Have you been in situations where you've discovered that someone has been watching you?
That's creepier still.
I guess if you're going to watch someone or you catch someone watching you, there must be some preparation.  You must be prepared with a follow up as a watcher.  What possible reason could you give?  Would you take the romantic approach and say, 'Excuse me for staring, I really admire beauty.  That's why I can't help looking at you. You're so beautiful.' But if you're the watchee, it would depend on your attitude at the time and also how you felt about catching someone watching you. Would you say, 'Are you alright?  Did you want to me ask me something?' or 'What's wrong?  Is there something on my face?'  I've always preferred the non-threatening approach.  There's no need to get angry at the person watching you.  I mean, have you looked at yourself in the mirror?  That's why they're looking at you ;-)

My heart skips a beat whenever you're near
And I just don't know what I'm gonna do

My thoughts revealed I'm showing all the signs
When we're face to face I can't look in your eyes
Sometimes I find I just can't help myself
'Cos I want you, want nobody else

Oh man.  That heart skipping thing.
Have you felt that?  I've probably felt this a couple of times and had mixed emotions.
Either I've really enjoyed that feeling, been annoyed at myself for feeling it or thought what the hell am I doing feeling #*%(^&$(@.  I have to work through the heart skipping thing (sometimes I wonder, would I have a heart condition if it skips too often, must check that out. . .) but I think it's a mind thing.  The person may even be oblivious to the fact that you feel that way about them.  I mean, they wouldn't want to be responsible for potentially killing you by making your heart skip a beat, that's the practical side.  The whimsical side of me says (sigh) fairy dust, magic wands and butterfly kisses are everywhere.  I think you don't need to know what to do on this occasion.  You just need to feel.

This is the worst part.  When you can't look into someone else's eyes because you see something there that you don't want to recognise let alone see.  I hate it when people try to take you somewhere in your mind that you don't want to go.  I've seen it in eyes that try to say it telepathically, accompanied by a secret smile and a rise of the eyebrows.  I've been close to punching people's faces because of that behaviour ha!  I guess it's a question of, well, do you want that person or not?  There can be all the chemistry in the world in that state of stillness, but unless you move, you won't be able to feel the alchemy.

Oh how I wish that you were here
Oh how I wish that you were near
Holding me tight
Spending some time
Wish you were mine. . . 

I hope that wherever you are in the world, that you get to enjoy your weekend when you get to it.
Enjoy your time with friends, loved ones.  Enjoy time by yourself.
I never used to like time by myself, but it has been one of the most difficult, yet rewarding spaces to be in.  Enjoying such feelings alone (rather than entertaining them for real) is a much safer way for me. . .