Thursday, 20 November 2014

And so it goes. . .

I think in your quietest times you will be honest with yourself, at least about your heart, with your heart, about its feelings.  You might confide in one person who knows your deepest and darkest secrets.  Did you entrust them with the key to the sanctuary in your heart?

And so it goes is a beautiful ballad by Billy Joel that seems to focus on a conversation between two people.  Being prepared to let your heart be broken, laying it bare for someone to break, despite your past relationships and the pain that you are recovering from - can signal that you are past the point of breaking again.  Or you might be willing to have it broken again as your heart has already healed.

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defence

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose 

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

I almost get the sense that you have given up, you are ready to let go, and despite allowing the other person ample opportunity to damage you again, you are ready to let them go too.

The silence masks the words and the actions that you let simmer beneath the surface.  Why do you hide it?  Well, it's safer isn't it?  What good will come of trying to take the thorns off those roses, you would still bleed, it would still sting and hurt.  Yet you willingly share your room, your sanctuary in your heart, almost as if you are a sucker for punishment or something.  Are you a matyr?  Is this what self-flagellation looks like now?

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

Now you've laid your heart very carefully on your sleeve, trying to pin it down though so at least it kind of stays in place and doesn't slip off.  You can't choose to be with the other person anyway - the choice is not yours to make, the choice is out of your hands - so why did you spend time entertaining the thought?  What did you tell the other person?  Even when you close your eyes, eventually you're going to have to open them again.  Why is that person the only one who knows what the sanctuary in your heart looks like?  If you can't claim him or her as your own, are you still prepared to give up your own heart to be broken?  You would still choose to be with them knowing full well that your heart would be broken?

I hope that you take a little more care of that sanctuary in your heart.  Protect it fiercely.  Don't let anybody near it too quickly.  Keep it secret, until you feel safe enough to share it.  Otherwise you should be repeating these words in a mirror:
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows. . .