Thursday, 14 August 2014

And that's the state of my mind. . .

I have read various blog posts from celebrities and everyday people like me - paying tribute to the now late, great, once in a lifetime Robin Williams.  It has been a struggle to come to terms with his death for so many reasons (he didn't know me, but I think we all felt like we knew pieces of him based on his portrayal of his characters in so many beloved films).  I think the struggle has also been difficult in terms of how much loss I have experienced personally in recent weeks as well as I guess, some residual effects from last year.  It's just been over a year.  People say time heals all wounds, I guess it does to some extent, but I think time helps you to shape new priorities in your life to help you cope with loss.  Time also helps you to take the best parts of what that person you have lost brought to your world - and keep their memories alive in the work that you carry out, in the conversations that you have with people and the values that you sustain, reflecting the best parts of you too.

This is the state of my mind
When you gonna let me out of the light?
'Cause these orange and yellows aren't making me mellow
Uptight. . .  is the state of my mind

Bright Grey is a track from the Happy Ending album by New Zealand band Phoenix Foundation.
The human mind is a interesting and complex organ.  We can never hope to understand the intricacies of it, as much as science tries (and it tries damn hard).  When the news broke of Williams' death, together with his state of depression, it made me think about how we can have inner struggles, suffer through them privately - and people are seemingly unaware of how you really think and feel.
I imagine that Williams wanted out of this light.  News and media reports will continue to plague us with conjecture - and I say conjecture, because Williams is not here to explain why he is no longer here.

And I never hear what the people say
Until over this river of thoughts they deliver uptight thoughts
Into my state of mind

A man with comic genius and brilliance like Williams, I now wonder, did he feel the pressure of his own stardom?  His daughter Zelda has decided to take a break from social media because of all the negativity that people have been sending her way.  I find it disgusting that some people have taken to pilfering her social media accounts and others in her family, even her father's - to create meme pages.  There is a fine line between the public persona and being the private individual.

The negative comments show how little those people know about depression as a disease.
The stigma attached to this very real disease - they probably need to talk about it in schools, have it as part of school curriculum to better inform students about the symptoms so that they are aware.  We need to encourage and foster as much positivity as well.  Is that hard to be nice to people or listen to what they're going through and offer support?  Has it come to this?  We're so self absorbed that we don't care until it's too late.

Oh when are you gonna let me unwind?
'Cause I'm born of thunder but stripped of my wonder

Robin Williams made an impact in everything he was involved in.  His "Nanu Nanu" catch phrase that I heard so often as a child always made me laugh, because it sounded so similar to my own name.
Did he think he wasn't as wonderful as the world thought he was?  I think he knew how much the world loved him, but it couldn't stop what he was thinking and feeling - where his thoughts took him, especially to those dark places in his mind.  Were those dark places like those found in the paintings of "What Dreams May Come" starring opposite Annabella Sciorra?  People have talked so much about the happy roles that he played, I was more interested in his darker roles as he played those with such intensity.  "One Hour Photo" springs to mind when I think about obsession and the mind of the character locked in the supposed normality of his behaviour.

Oh when are you gonna let me out of the light?
'Fore these orange and yellows aren't making me mellow no more
And it's a hell of a bore

It is my hope that we learn so much from the death of Robin Williams.
It is my hope that people respect the family - especially his wife and children.
It is my hope that if you feel like you may be in a similar situation and you feel like there is no other solution but to end your own life, hold onto hope.

Rest in peace Robin Williams.
The world is bright grey.

Ooh ooh
The world is bright grey
Ooh ooh
I must've fallen asleep that day
Ooh ooh 
The world is bright grey
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
And that's the state of my mind . . .