I'm having trouble sleeping (tonight anyway) and I think it's because my mind is overrun by so many things (brain just in overdrive) and sometimes the quiet solitude helps you to digest the events of the day, the week, the month, reflect on the year thus far.
I first came across River of Dreams by Billy Joel when it was released in 1993.
Back then, I smile when I think about the music catalogue club that I belonged to as a hungry musician, eager for new music and buying music of singer/songwriters who inspired me with their lyrics and musicianships. You will have noticed if you regularly read what I write, that I am a huge Billy Joel, as I've written about a few of his songs. This song was particularly memorable for me because there was so much change going on for me at the time that it was released - the numerous additions to family (three weddings), school (life in general) and it was the centenary of women's suffrage in Aotearoa. Thank you Kate Sheppard and the other pioneering women for your persistence, foresight and such a strong sense of self-belief to think about the equal rights of women and their entitlement to vote.
I must be looking for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross
However, in relation to this song for today's focus, the search for a sense of purpose (as Kate Sheppard discovered) is still to me - a continuing and recurring theme in what I do on a daily basis, how I think and feel on a daily basis, what I see, hear and taste - in all the intended senses that living life holds.
Even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and stand on the shore
I try to cross to the opposite side
So I can find what I'm looking for
This speaks to me about the fact that we are creatures of habit - we will tend to do things the same way several times, over and over, convinced that this one time, just maybe we can achieve or accomplish what we've set out to do - because we're relying on luck, or Lady Fortune to smile upon us.
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To the river so deep
Walking through your own jungle of doubt, might mean that you get stuck in there for a period of time, until you can start trusting in yourself, and believing in yourself to be able to find other challenges like deep rivers to help cleanse the doubt. And who's to say that when you're not asleep, that you're actually, your most conscious sense of self.
When we know what we are looking for, I often wonder, will we even recognise what it is - even when it's staring at us, point blank in the face?
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night . . .