Sunday, 11 May 2014

I need more than just an angel. . .

It is NZ Music month, hence the series of songs that I'm choosing to focus on, hailing from the Land of the Long White Cloud.  It also happens to be the month in which my husband passed away.  It will be a year on the 22nd of May at 6:17am. I had initially wanted to write a blog that helped me to share my ideas with the world - but I've also come to realise that this blog also helps to heal me while I'm in the grieving process and share my passion for music.  This next song helps me to combine the latter  quite effectively.

No way of knowing that things might change
My happy ending looks so far away

When you lose someone, it irreparably changes your life story.
It often reminds me of a horror film when you lose the characters along the way and the protagonist is forced to engage in survival mode if they want to get to an ending - even if that happy ending looks so far away.

Jamie McDell has been hailed as "New Zealand's answer to Taylor Swift", but don't be fooled by her youth. Her songs can stand against the best in the business, as her records have reached gold status in Aotearoa and been featured in the top 40.  Of her catalogue to date, my favourite single is Angel.

I keep my head up looking for a sign
Something to tell me that I will be fine
I am surrounded but I feel so alone
Why do I have to do this on my own

I had a late dinner with a very good friend last night and I talked to her about how grief as I've experienced it - seems to be like a fitness or weight loss plan.  Like society wants you to "lose the grief in 10 easy steps", do some kind of weekend "bootcamp" or complete some kind of obstacle course - going through excruciating pain in the fastest time possible like "Tough mudder".  If you don't commit to the training programme to prepare mentally, physically and spiritually for the event - it will take longer for you to finish the challenge.

So what happens when each day feels like it's longer than the last?

I'm so empty, too heavy
Almost ready to break
And I can't wait much longer
I need more than just an angel

Anybody who has experienced loss will tell you that everybody's journey through it is different.

And I can't wait much longer
I need more than just an angel
And I can't act much stronger
I need more than just an angel
An angel

I hope you find people to surround you that don't make you feel alone.
Find your "thing" that helps to get you through the grieving process - in the event that you do feel alone, even when you're surrounded.  The one thing I don't mind doing on my own is writing these blog posts :-)