Friday, 16 May 2014

For today. . . I remember your smile. . .

If you told me, this time last year
That I would feel like I do now
Well, I wouldn't have believed you
It's not just a question
Of my being alone
The truth is I like my own company best
If the truth is to be known  -  For Today - Netherworld Dancing Toys

Next week will be a difficult week.
Life is bittersweet, because coupled with the overwhelming sense of loss, comes the dawning of opportunities and the 'living' that must continue, even when a little piece of you died with your loved one. I am coming to terms with acknowledging who I was, rediscovering who I am and who I want to be.

I've been replaying the days leading up to Loma's departure.
The things we said to each other, how he sounded on the phone, the plans we had made and the joy of being together. The thing about being together was not what we were doing - it was sufficient, it was complete, just to be together. I remember your smile the most then.

But there's a hole in my well being
So big you could drive a truck right through
I think you should know that you are the one
Who could probably fill it for good

I have changed a lot, changed in some ways, changed a little.
Totally depends on people's perceptions, how they perceive me, sometimes they will ask, sometimes they don't.

So what has changed a lot?  I find myself being more reflective these days, a lot calmer, a lot more tolerant, a lot more patient, a lot more giving. What has changed in some ways? My life journey, the renewal of purpose and staying on track to achieve those goals, the determination and grit is probably a lot steelier than what it was.  What has changed a little? My outlook on life and the tipping of the balance between work and self care.  Some might see that as a huge change, but I sense that it is a subtle shift.

Heading into next week I will continue to celebrate your life Loma.
Everyday, I keep your surname alive, by talking about you in my work and everywhere I go.
For today is all my living days.
I feel you with me always, just how you wanted.

For today. . . I remember your smile.