Friday, 4 April 2014

Brand New Me . . .

Oh it took a long while to get here
It took a brave brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised 

Anyone who knows me, or who has had the chance to get to know me in the past year would know that it hasn't been an easy year.  It's still not quite a year, but it's almost a year.  It has taken a while for me to get here and I would never have dreamed that I would be here... right now... in this place.
Sometimes I don't know where I am exactly.  Physically, of course you know where you are.  You see the faces of people you work with, face-to-face or online.  You see people you live with and enjoy watching their expressions change on a daily basis.  You notice things more.  You pay attention more.  You might even try to create more memories so that you can emblazon them in your heart and mind, burn them into your memory to avoid the sepia tinted photographs that fill your ancient leather bound albums that you know you don't look at anymore, but are loathe to throw away.

If you were worth the while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah

The thing I love best about Alicia Keys is the way that she sings a song.  You can hear every nuance of aching and that pain in her voice.  It drips from her in those softer moments and then gushes forward in her more gut wrenching power notes.  The oscillating piano figure in the opening introduction reminds me that we fluctuate between our feelings, that dichotomy of good feelings and bad feelings.  I have been lost a little since last May, but I have found myself.  But some people have tried to dictate how I should feel, or questioned if I do feel.  In my lighter moods, I am amused.  In my darker moods, I am bemused.

I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your ok
I'll never be perfect, but at least I'll now be brave
Now my heart is open, I can finally breathe

If you are going through some transformation in your life, don't be afraid to change.
New can be scary.  Think of your first day at a new school.  Trying to make new friends.
Meeting new people at a new job.  Sometimes not all things brand new can feel good.
But I'm starting to smile a lot more these days.  Even when I think that I don't deserve to smile because it seems the light has gone out of it too soon.  But I have memories and they are fond ones.
Never forget that - hold tight to that.

Soon I will commemorate a year without a life who gave me a "brand new me".

To my critics:
Don't be mad, it's just a brand new kind of me
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free
Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me