Wednesday, 4 December 2013

I never dreamed you'd leave in summer

It has been just over six months since my husband passed away.
Loma Junior Semeatu passed away on Wednesday 22nd May 2013 at 6:17am.
On November 30th at 6:17pm, it was exactly "six months, eight days, twelve hours".
(Watch Brian McKnight's music video clip - 6-8-12 if you don't get the reference).
The chorus of this particular song says it all for me.

Losing a loved one, regardless of who they are, is always tough, and their physical absence leaves a gaping hole in the fabric of your life.  Depending on the nature of your relationship with the dearly departed, there are a myriad of feelings and emotions that surround losing a mother, father, sister, brother, grandfather, grandmother, son, daughter, niece, nephew, aunty, uncle (and that's not even counting those who you loved that are not connected by blood - but you consider family).

You start to think about how much they meant to you in your life experiences together (and how much they continue to mean to you as you move on through life) by remembering things they said to get you through tough situations.

People have often asked me how I have been and wondered if I am ok.
I guess this blog post is for those people that want to know, but have never asked because they either don't know how to ask me or want to ask, but don't want me to know they're asking (you catch my drift....).

My husband and I did not have a conventional marriage - the way our lives were structured was not conducive to people's perceptions of what a marriage should be or should behave, because of circumstances beyond our control.  People close to us knew this - accepted this - and could see quite clearly that we loved each other.

At his burial service, I couldn't say any words.  To me it didn't seem like there were enough words that could encapsulate my love for him, words that could be enough to pay tribute to him.  I could only play music for him.  We had times when we were angry with each other, frustrated with each other, laughed at and with each other, and those non-verbal moments with each other that nobody else understood, but we did with our secretive smiles and raised eyebrows.

One of the many passions we shared together was our love of music.  Loma had such an eclectic taste in music and I was always in awe of his ear, he could play guitar, piano, bass, drums and oh that voice.  All of these things he did naturally and with no effort.  He was always keen to play music to me - some new music discovery he had found. He always wanted to know what I thought about a song and we would discuss what we liked and didn't like about the music.  Now that he's no longer physically with me, I have continued to feel his presence around me.  He speaks to me through music.  It's a very uplifting experience!  One example is, just the other week I was at the Pacific Graduation Celebration hosted by the Faculty of Education at the University of Auckland.  I was there to celebrate the achievement of my Master's degree.  Waiting outside the venue, I could hear music wafting out into the foyer.  The song I heard was "Pualena" by Vika.  This was the song that Loma sang to me on our wedding day as I walked down the aisle.  It provided me with a sense of comfort, knowing that he was there to celebrate with me.  The song lyrics speak volumes about his love for me.

Everyday is different and brings with it new challenges.  It took me about two months to remember that he was gone, because I would wake up thinking he was still here.  I had to train my brain to recognise this every time I woke up.  Every time I had great news to share, my instinct was to tell him first, and it took me some time to remember, I couldn't tell him physically.

I often think about this next song by Stevie Wonder.  It reminds me that even though time passes, in your darkest hours, you still feel the pain.  The final note in the song, breaks my heart every time I hear it.  Because it almost sounds like Stevie is trying to hang on to the final note as long he can, like I do with the wonderful memories of Loma.

 "I Never Dreamed You'd Leave In Summer" - Stevie Wonder
I never dreamed you'd leave in summer
I thought you would go then come back home
I thought the cold would leave by summer
But my quiet nights will be spent alone

You said there would be warm love in springtime
That was when you started to be cold
I never dreamed you'd leave in summer
But now I find myself all alone

You said then you'd be the life in autumn
Said you'd be the one to see the way
I never dreamed you'd leave in summer
But now I find my love has gone away

Why didn't you stay?

His final words to me were to be happy, that he loved me very much.
He also said that if I find someone else, marry him, because he wanted me to be happy.
I'm not particularly keen on that one.  I can't imagine my life with anybody else.

I guess what I'm saying is, I miss you Loma.  I know you're always with me.
I've got some more work to do down here, but save a space for me when it's time to see you again.