Tuesday, 19 September 2017

Tapestry. . .

He's come to take me back. . . 

If you've read my blog (on more than one occasion), you'll know that I am a huge fan of singer songwriters because I admire people who are able to not only create music but can also perform their own music with their own intentions.  As much as I admire people who can interpret the music of others, there is something quite intangible to my mind, about hearing someone perform the music from a point of conception to fruition and can truly understand and know what the intent of that song has meant.  Carole King is one of those superstars who belongs to that unique group of entertainers whose music has touched so many lives on so many levels, throughout much of our modern music era.

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view
A wondrous, woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold

I must confess that this song is not one that springs to mind when I think of Carole King.  In fact, I've only just heard this song today as I continue to work from home and plod along through the daily demands of other bits and pieces of my own tapestry.  Do you ever think about your own tapestry?  What colours would you weave into yours?  What influences you to weave certain motifs in there?  Who taught you how to weave?  What can people expect to see in your tapestry?  I can't imagine how many times I've stopped and started again, because I thought I was striving for perfection in my tapestry, when in actual fact, I should have just started weaving and seen what came up for me.  Sometimes we try to have elaborate plans - which is fine, don't get me wrong - but if we keep waiting for perfection, and it never comes - what kind of tapestry do we have?  None, that's what.  Because we never start weaving.

Once amid the soft silver sadness in the sky 
There came a man of fortune, a drifter passing by
He wore a torn and tattered cloth around his leathered hide
A coat of many colours, green and gold either side

I don' t know about you but I'm becoming more discerning and more deliberate about how I spend my time.  If we have limited time with our tapestry, then it means that we should be learning about what it should look like and how it can impact on other people's tapestries.  I'm not saying that we need to be role models or lead by example, but if people want to look at my tapestry and find beauty in it - then that's not necessarily a bad thing.  What would be a bad thing is if people take one look at your tapestry, start to get jealous, and then want to ruin it.  What man of fortune has drifted by you?  Have you shown him your tapestry?  What will he have taught you to add to your tapestry?  There is nothing wrong with people adding value to your tapestry.  

He moved with such uncertainty as if he didn't know
Just what he was there for, or where he ought to go
Once he reached for something golden hanging from a tree
And his hand came down empty

What do you do when things you pine for, long for, don't come?
We need to learn how to handle disappointment and setbacks.  It is too easy to blame other people for our predicaments and situations.  We get dealt what we get dealt.  It's our job to rise above it and hustle for whatever else we think we want, in terms of our goals and other directions that we want to explore.  When I have experienced disappointments and setbacks, I have acknowledged and accepted why they have appeared.  You shouldn't spend too much time agonising over the source and use that answer to blame everything on.  Instead use that information to rebuild, to restore and renew faith in yourself to do what needs to get done.  Sometimes when we reach for golden things, they are only illusions.  The most obvious is not actually there.  So be real about what is actually real and what is not.

Soon within my tapestry along the rutted road
He sat down on a river rock and turned into a toad
It seemed that he had fallen into someone's wicked spell
And I wept to see him suffer, though I didn't know him well

There will be strangers that cross your path and expect sympathy or some kind of support.
We may only be told their story and not get a full picture of their tapestry.  The more we get to know people, the more involved in their tapestry they may become.  They might try to hand over the weaving of their tapestry to you - because you seem to have the skills and knowledge to know how to weave your own tapestry.  But that's the thing isn't it.  You won't know how to weave your own tapestry if you don't gain the practical experience, learn how to engage the muscle memory to become adept at weaving it for yourself.  Be careful and wary of wicked spells that people throw at you.  The thing is, you don't know that it's a wicked spell until it's too late - some vicious cycle that you keep repeating or some stupid behaviour that you can't escape because you can't see the bigger picture.  You become seduced by promises and pledges that don't exist.  So focus on your immediate goals and what you need to do.

As I watched in sorrow, there suddenly appeared
A figure gray and ghostly beneath a flowing beard
In times of deepest darkness, I've seen him dressed in black
Now my tapestry's unraveling - he's come to take me back
He's come to take me back. . . 

I hope that when your tapestry starts to unravel, that you try to understand where those lines of weave may fall.  If you are able to keep track of where your strands lay, you can easily gather up the pieces again and start to repair your tapestry.  I think there is no such thing as a perfect tapestry.  Anyone who would tell you different - is a liar.  We need to rejoice in our pain and sorrow within our weaving, because it is only then that we learn.  We should not be projecting our tapestries onto others, when they have their own to weave.  If someone wanted to join me in weaving my tapestry, I would ask them to take a look at their own tapestry first, before trying to weave ours together.  Maybe this is why someone is trying to unravel it then?  To try to take me back. . . 

Monday, 18 September 2017

To where you are. . .

I wish upon tonight to see you smile. . . 

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

So many triggers in your day can quickly take you from being really positive to being extremely negative, and vice versa.  I've been hearing about resilience a lot in various conversations, or indeed the lack of it.  I think sometimes I worry about forgetting memories that I should treasure forever because the rubbish you find being hurled your way can make you feel less than you actually are.  Have you had moments where you know that a loved one who has passed away, feels like they are still around?  You can still feel their lingering presence?  I like those moments.  They can seem like they are few and far between these days when other things try to force themselves to the forefront of your focus.

Deep in the stillness 
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be
That you are mine
Forever love
And you are watching me from up above

There is a genuine comfort that comes with knowing that you have a guardian angel or some such figure.  A kind of spirit or invisible beings who look out for you, ensure that you are on the right path and help you along the way, especially when you start to feel like you've lost your way, more than once.  What inspires you?  What things have lost loved ones said that have motivated you?  Can you recall them as quickly as you'd hoped?  I would like to think that I have a lot of people who have inspired me from my past.  Even those who had treated me badly when they walked on this earth - it is just part of our learning to think about what they did to help us grow, or help us to question if we were fit enough to do what our dreams wished we could.

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

It would be much easier wouldn't it?
To fly up somewhere far away from the troubles that seem to follow you in this earth.  Maybe we have more to smile about than we realise - but we just focus too much on the negative things that threaten to derail our happiness.  I can understand now why it's such a challenge to really believe in yourself.  I can understand now why we wouldn't think so highly of ourselves.  I can understand now why we would let self doubt creep in and occupy our headspaces so effortlessly, so calmly, so unexpectedly.  What would you wish upon tonight?

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream 
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

This is why dreams are so important aren't they?
When we sleep we unlock our subconscious mind and it lets us imagine what our rational minds think is impossible, doesn't allow us to dare to dream.  What is inside your dream?  We forget to believe.  Have you seen that in your life?  We doubt so easily these days and I think how when we were young, we never questioned what we were told, we were innocent yes, but there was never any reason to lie.  I don't know

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Forever love
Watching over me from up above

Who is your forever love?
It could be someone who had big dreams for you and wished you to carry on with things that you had dreamed about together.  When things get hard in this life, we shouldn't despair and shouldn't give up and let's face it - this new "normal" that we're living in, makes fiction less fantasy!  I would like to think that the people who have passed on will always know that their loved ones will try with all their might to live the legacy they were left behind, to carry that torch and pass it on to others when the time is right.  That very thought, although poignant, leaves me with so much faith unseen and I believe that angels breathe, And that love will live on and never leave . . . 

To all of you who continue to watch over us when we think we are our most alone - thanks for never really being that far away.  We will know that I know you're there, a breath away's not far to where you are. . . 

Monday, 11 September 2017

It don't matter to me. . .

Time is on my side. . . 

It don't matter to me
If you really feel that you need some time to be free
Time to go out searching for yourself
Hoping to find, time to go to find

Have you figured out what matters to you?
I'm not sure if the universe is trying to tell me something, but there have been definite signs about what I need to be focusing my time and energy on.  There will be so many dilemmas, obstacles and dramas that make their way onto your, cross your path and you will start to question - why me?  I think the better question is - why not?  If you haven't figured what your real, true, genuine and meaningful priorities are - then make it happen.  Start crossing off people (or things) off your list that shouldn't matter right now.  It can be extremely difficult to do if you haven't tried to do something like that before - hands up emotional hoarders out there?  Yes you, the person reading this blog post.  You know you're an emotional hoarder - so it's time to let people or things go in your life that are cluttering up your emotional health, that are testing your emotional intelligence.  Let them go figure themselves out for pete's sake.  Their journey isn't your journey.

And it don't matter to me
If you take up with someone who's better than me
'Cause your happiness is all I want
For you to find peace, your peace of mind

When you start thinking that someone else is better than you, take a step back and figure out - what does that have to do with your journey?  What does being better actually mean?  Does that person make more money than you?  More friends than you?  Has all the trappings that we associate with a being successful in life, being better than you?  We sometimes can't even wish happiness for someone else when they're not even seeking happiness themselves, or not actively doing things that lead them to a path of happiness.  You are not responsible for other people's happiness.  But of course, if they say that having you in their life, or the things that you do for them make them happy - that's how they've chosen to define happiness in their world right?  You don't have to feel pressured to be the source of happiness for someone.  You already have a job - making yourself happy too.

Lotta people have an ego hang-up
'Cause they want to be the only one
How many came before it doesn't really matter
Just as long as you're the last
Everybody's moving on and try to find out
What's been missing in the past

I know this is how psychiatrists and therapists make their money right?  They try to find out something that has happened in your past to blame for all of the actions of your present.  While there might be some truth in this, we have to really consider what our actions as humans mean too.  It's far too easy to blame other people for situations that we are in.  Some cases it might be true - poverty, class systems, inequity - things that have been caused by people who have profited solely from those people who must remain at the bottom of a social strata in order for some type of order where certain individuals have to be better than someone else.

It don't matter to me
If your searching brings you back together with me
'Cause there'll always be an empty room waiting for you
An open heart waiting for you, time is on my side
'Cause it don't matter to me

I hope that whatever empty room you have left for someone, that open heart you have waiting for you - that you continue doing what you have to do, in order for you to keep living.  Have a look back at your own memory lane, at those opportunities with people that you thought you missed.  Would things have been different if you had made decisions earlier - if you had taken pathways that you had never explored before?  If you had said what you were truly feeling at the time?  No.  You wouldn't have been ready.  You wouldn't have known for certain, because you can only see that now, not then.  So if you weren't able to see something then, and you can only see it now - what helped you to grow and learn what to do?  We all just need to listen to each other and be respectful of other people and their journeys.  People can say how and what they feel and you can react to it however you like.  People can say whatever to try and upset me, to make me react to situations, but as long as you are able to speak your truth, speak from the heart and not harm others in the process, it don't matter to me. . . 

Sunday, 10 September 2017

Take it easy. . .

You and me together, we'll be fine. . . 

Stronger days, bitter nights
Cold hands, warm heart
Walking round
But you're staring at the ground
Take hold, fall apart

It can get very tiring trying to keep yourself together, hold it all in and maintain a happy facade.  It is totally acceptable to fall apart so that you can rebuild.  There will be people who are put in your path to challenge, people from your past who will resurface and remind you why they belong in your past.  There will be people in your recent history who will resurface and make you think that there are some things you need to address that didn't get a chance to resolve itself when you needed to.  How often do you spend walking around trying to figure out the best solution?  Sometimes the best solution isn't necessarily the easiest or the one with less pain.  The ugly, public humiliation or falling out is necessary for the biggest wake up call of all - not to show that you were wrong, or should seem repentant - whatever your sins may be - but to acknowledge that a mistake was made.  Who did your mistake hurt?  Take hold, fall apart. . . 

Little by little
Someone blows the whistle
It don't matter in the end
So just slow it all down, slow it all down

How many whistle blowers do you know?
The thing about blowing whistles is that you see that as the absolute right call to make - blow the whistle to raise awareness about a problem that has occurred, to inform people about travesties and crimes that have been committed. When things happen, it's always good to get the full picture and understand what's happening before you blow the whistle.  Collect enough evidence to know what is going on, gain the full picture before seeing what is actually going on and who caused it.  Otherwise we would no better than the times we were in school and had blind allegiances to our friends who were wronged by others, but didn't have anything really to do with us - give people a chance before you hang them out to dry.

You gotta take it easy, easy
Live your life
Take on any kind of weather you and me together
We'll be fine
You gotta take it easy, easy
Take your time
It's just you and me together any kind of weather
We'll be fine

It is election year in New Zealand and at the end of this month the entire country will vote for their preferred electoral candidate and preferred party in parliament.  There is the hope that voter turnout will increase exponentially since the last election.  There will be a lot of first time voters and there will be a lot of people who have been able to vote for a long time, but will vote again for the first time in a while.  We can only be as strong as a nation if the most vulnerable in our society are looked after.  There is increasing homelessness in New Zealand - more so in this generation than there ever has been in the past.  When a class system is only going to be successful the more that it takes away from its most deprived section of society - we will continue to make things harder for ourselves in the long run, and continue to have our international reputation eroded by our own greed and penchant for making profits.

Open road, broken down
Bright lights, dark town
Stand up then you fall again
You will find a way in the end

I hope that whoever you choose to align yourself with, that you think very carefully about how you choose to exercise your vote.  We are living in a world where we think less and less of others and more about ourselves.  Our single minded focus on what we can do to make our lives better should not come at the expense of others.  Getting ahead in life shouldn't come about because you stopped others from having their chance to be successful either.  We must continue to develop our resilience.  Because when we allow ourselves to pushed around, pushed over the edge, pushed under water, we must continue to push through.  That's the only way I will be able to truly live my life and start to demand the same for others who deserve it more than me.  Only then will I be able to take it easy. . . 

Saturday, 2 September 2017

We don't need another hero. . .

And I wonder when are we ever gonna change?

When you want things to change in your life, it's always easy to blame the circumstances that allow you to be stuck doing things you don't want to do, being around people you don't to be around, being in a place that you don't want to be in.  The quickest solution to solving this problem is to think about yourself - your thoughts and how these translate into actions.  How will you know to create opportunities out of the choices that are offered to you?

Out of the ruins, out from the wreckage
Can't make the same mistakes this time
We are the children, the last generation
We are the ones they left behind
And I wonder when are we ever gonna change?
Living under the fear, till nothing else remains

What same mistakes do you keep making?  I think we make the same mistakes because we don't pay attention to what's really important.  We may also make the same mistakes because we are too stubborn and don't pay attention to making adjustments based on results that we might have at hand.  How can we be sure that our generation will be able to rise out of the wreckage, take some responsibility and ensure that we do what we need to, not to be right, but to benefit everyone.

We don't need another hero
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is life beyond the Thunderdome

If you go through so many difficulties, do you rely on a hero to save you?
Will we find ourselves on the way home soon enough?  Will we recognise our homes if we have been away from them for so long?  I guess once we've started to live our true purpose in life, only then will we know what life is beyond what we can see.  Only then would we find the way home, we would be drawn to it without question, without resistance.

Looking for something we can rely on
There's got to be something better out there
Mmmm, love and compassion, their day is coming
All else are castles built in the air
And I wonder when are we ever gonna change?
Living under the fear, till nothing else remains

I've been having some great conversations with people in recent weeks and what's funny is that the songs I choose to blog about seem to find themselves fitting those conversations.  I started this blog post a few weeks back but as you know, life happens and you prioritise what needs to get done and then pause the blog post until you've addressed those issues that need your attention, address those things that only you can fix.  I feel that when people are wanting to know absolutes in a world that is never really static anymore, we can get ourselves worked up into unnecessary states of panic.  I know that we will all change at some point in our lives, is it worth knowing when?  You will change when you realise it is time to change - not any sooner, and not any later - at the right time that is right for you to do so.  The best thing about that is, you won't even need to do anything too strenuous.  It will be an effortless transition, a process that in hindsight you will think wow, that was easier than I thought it would be.  There will be no fear left, nothing else will be there. Except you.

All the children say
We don't need another hero
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is life beyond the Thunderdome

Who is the hero in your life?
We look too far beyond ourselves when really, our own salvation lies within.
I think we know all the answers that we seek, because we've been learning and growing in those lessons since we were born, but the power of free will, means that often we shall mistakes that either take us away from our path, widens the gaps between us and where we are meant to be and we forget what we were born to do.  So what do you need to do?  Trust yourself to make decisions that will benefit your life - and then take that life and do better for others.  Isn't this the kind of life we seek beyond our own personal Thunderdomes?

All the children say
We don't need another hero
We don't need to know the way home
All we want is life beyond the Thunderdome

I hope that you find your inner hero.
If you know where home is for you, even if you are standing at a crossroads like me, moving to a new place like my other friends, or stuck in a rut over a decision that is beyond your control - just remember that you can the be hero of your own life.  You can take action and figure out your own issues, solve your own problems and be self sufficient.  You know where home is should you need to call in from time to time, but know that you are meant to go on our journeys and voyages that are to test what you have learned, to see whether you can retain the skills absorbed from diamond-pressure situations that you never saw yourself.  But all of that comes down to you.  It comes down to me.  And I wonder when we are ever gonna change?. . . 

Sunday, 27 August 2017

Get up offa that thing. . .

I'm back, I'm back, I'm back. . . 

AAW! Oh! Say it now!
I'm back, I'm back, I'm back,
I'm back, I'm back!

I don't know if it's because I've managed to get some writing away to my supervisors - but I am in SUCH a better mood than I was over the past two weeks.  Life does that to you sometimes right?  It can knock you to the ground when situations compound themselves and once you get knocked down once, if you don't pick yourself back up, it is easy to roll around and wallow in your own self pity.  

Get up offa that thing
And dance till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
And dance till you sing now!
Get up offa that thing
And dance till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
And try to release that pressure

There is nothing worse than feeling like you're stuck in a rut.  How often do you let yourself get that way?  I don't know about you, but I think if you don't develop your own measures of resilience to help you get out of that, the longer you'll stay "on" that thing and not bother to get up offa it again.  Shaking things off until you feel better is definitely a good thing.  It's no accident that it's the go-to remedy for Meredith and her friends in Grey's Anatomy when they go through difficult times in their personal and professional lives.  Granted that it's a fictitious show, but the themes reflected there have resonance with us in our own spaces and contexts.

Get up offa that thing
And shake till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
And shake it, say it now!
Get up offa that thing
And dance till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
And try to release that pressure

Do you love learning new things about yourself?
As part of my own personal quest to be the best version of me that I can be, I have been learning how to feel better about bad situations a lot quicker.  If you were able to measure your own resilience, don't you think that would be a useful exercise for you to be able to do for yourself?  I think depending on the situation, you can choose how long to stay in a funk, or decide at all, whether it is a funk or not.  If we don't learn how to tell ourselves that we need to shake things off, we will never let go of the things that threaten to consume us, eat us from the inside out and let it permeate all of the other positive things that we have going in our lives.  How do you release all of the pressure that you are under?

Wait a minute!
So funky!
I need it!
That's a wiser brother
I know it sound good
Pretty darn good
Good God

It is important to reflect on yourself and be able to know where you are in your life.
Sounds airy fairy and corny right?  Wrong!  If you can't articulate where you are in terms of your own personal development - then you are not making conscious decisions that are truly informed by knowing who you are.  This means that you are actively waiting on others to tell you who you are, how you are meant to be and relying on their advice when you should listen to the answers and act on them.  How can we set about being wiser brothers?  Get woke.  Learn what you need to do in order to make an impact.  There's not enough time to be complacent anymore.  We must take action to bring our dreams into fruition.

Get up offa that thing
And dance till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
And dance till you sing now!
Get up offa that thing
And dance till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
And try to release that pressure

I hope that you learn how to deal with the pressure that people place on you.
It is important for our own health and wellbeing that we figure out what we can do to relax, to take a step back and know how to reassess a situation.  We need to stand up for what is critical for our own self worth, not to serve ourselves, but so we can be at our optimum, be at our best to give, to continue to give our best to others.  Find someone to dance with, shake off the pressure and blow off some steam with.  There is too much angst in the world, too many barriers that people put up that stops us from finding solutions that are meaningful and better for us.  I tell, once I stopped feeling sorry for myself, stopped making excuses, things started to happen.  So all you need to do is just get up offa that thing. . . 

Friday, 25 August 2017

Chicken soup in a song. . .

May you be cozy and warm, wherever you are. . . 

Lately you don't feel great
You got places to go people to see
People to see
So much business to get straight 
You're on planes and trains and buses
Bi-coastal, international
Yes, your lifestyle has its pluses
But some days it don't feel natural 

It is winter here in Aotearoa New Zealand, but it's technically meant to be the last week of winter.
Spring hits us between September to November, with Summer finally upon us from December to February.  I'm looking forward to Spring, but I am definitely feeling the winter from the weather we've been having - heavy rain, cold air, gale force winds - and that's only in the North Island.  The coldness though has come from people though in recent weeks.  I have been feeling it not for me personally, (well in some cases, but hey, such is life) but mostly from what I have been seeing between people and it's not ok.  So how do we deal with that?  When we reach that point of being so busy traveling back and forth, being constantly on the go and never having making the time to stop and get off those planes, trains and buses - or at least look at the window to enjoy the view every once in a while.

So I wrote you this 
Chicken soup in a song
May you be cozy and warm
Wherever you are
Chicken soup in a song
May you be cozy and warm
Wherever you are

I don't know about you, but I always appreciate it when someone takes the time to write something personal to you, whether it's a song, a poem, a letter or just a quick note or something personal in a messenger chat - just to reach out and let you know that they care about you, that they're there to listen to you whenever you need to.  If you have people like that in your life - keep them on speed dial on your phone.  We can never have enough people to be able to reach out to when we need.  The fastest road to feeling isolated and never recognising how important you are, is when you start to lose contact with people who value life because you're in it.

Not enough hours in a day
Enough days in a week
Weeks in a month
We will never get it all done
We're on phones, emails and faxes
Bi-coastal, yeah we're global
Yes this lifestyle has its pluses
But some days it don't feel natural

It can be easy to be annoyed with co-workers and friends when they aren't able to intuitively tap into how you are and read what you're about and why you're feeling a certain way on any given day.  Do you have that feeling when you think you've got things under control, you know exactly what needs to get cleared from your plate, but then people pop up and add extra crap to your plate?  I hate those people LOL. But in saying that, they rely on you because you can get things done, can push out maximum output with minimum input, as you go about things in your quiet little way.  When does it not feel natural?  Some days when your patience is tested having to listen to questions that are unnecessary, rhetorical questions that people put to you to show you how smart they think they are, when it does nothing for the situation.  What are the pluses of such a lifestyle?  Moving around from place to place and leaving it to people to get on with what they need to do - and then you get to check when you come back to see how they did without you.  Are you hell bent on getting it all done?

So I wrote you this 
Chicken soup in a song
May you be cozy and warm
Wherever you are
Chicken soup in a song
May you be cozy and warm
Wherever you are

I hope that in spite of everything you are going through right now, that you have the chance to be still and listen to yourself.  When someone is yelling at you and ripping you apart with all of their assumptions and judgement, you don't need to retaliate in kind.  Instead you can choose to let them exhaust themselves until they calm down enough to listen to what you have to say, calm down enough to listen to what they're actually mad about, calm down enough to learn how to reason and come to a consensus.  I think if you are able to practise and hone these skills, know how to help people to vent their frustrations, then, and only then can you get to some real solutions, achieve some resolutions.  If all else fails, just feel cozy and warm with this chicken soup in a song. . . 

Thursday, 24 August 2017

Didn't we almost have it all. . .

Loving you makes life worth living. . . 

Remember when we held on in the rain
The night we almost lost it
Once again we can take the night into tomorrow
Living on feelings
Touching you I feel it all again

What is it like to live on feelings?
I think we can have a kind of imbalance these days.  Too much of one thing isn't such a good thing and as obsessive as we are as humans, we can easily forget to have all things in moderation.  Have you met someone who has made you feel all kinds of feels, made you learn about yourself in ways that you never thought you had?  This particular track is Whitney Houston's fifth consecutive number one hit from her debut album.  I don't think her voice has ever rung as clear as it has in this particular song.  I pin it down to the sense of loss that prevails in this song.  I think we can so often be seduced by what love is meant to be, that we may let it pass us by because it doesn't come in a neatly tied package that can be easily undone.

Didn't we almost have it all
When love was all we had worth giving?
The ride with you was worth the fall my friend
Loving you makes worth living
Didn't we almost have it all
The nights we held on till the morning
You know you'll never love that way again
Didn't we almost have it all

I think at some time in our lives we will have someone who we have let slip away or things didn't work out, circumstances were just too difficult to really make a go of things, or you had to face reality and see that being apart made more sense than being together.  Have you ever been with someone where just being there for the ride was worth it?  That even though you knew that it had a shelf life, that the wild ride was eventually going to end, it was all worth it?  I'm a true believer in it is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

The way you used to touch me was so fine
We kept our hearts together down the line
A moment in the soul can last forever
Comfort and keep us
Help me bring the feeling back again

How many moments in the soul have you had?
Sometimes it doesn't take very many for you to feel like there are several forevers you could have.
What would it take for you to have your hearts together down the line?  Often we throw up excuses for being with someone because it's easier to say how hard it is.  No matter how fleeting the touch may be, you can never be sure if the touch will be repeated - and would you even want it to be?

Didn't we have the best of times
When love was young and new?
Couldn't we reach inside and find
The world of me and you?
We'll never lose it again
'Cause once you know what love is
You never let it end

I hope you remember what love was like.
Sometimes memories can be enough to sustain you through the lean years of no love.  I should know, I've been there.  But I think the longer you go without love, you become more discerning and more focused on other things, other ways that you can connect with people that don't require you to be so vulnerable, ways that you can just be yourself without having to compromise yourself, without having to break your promise to someone, back to those time when we knew, didn't we almost have it all. . . 

Monday, 21 August 2017

Should I be good or should I be evil. . .

Stand yourself in my shoes. . . 

I sit here in total darkness
Deep into the night
Should we stay together
And make it through alright

Relationships are difficult things to manage.  Partnerships, friendships, marriages, whatever form of commitment that they come in.  I've been listening to this song over and over in the past few days.  There's something about the original version of this song with just Hammond Gamble singing in it, that is so poignant.  The sentiments of the song reveal an inner struggle that we might face when we have to make decisions that will change the nature of that commitment that we promised to honour, that we promised to follow through indefinitely, most definitely.

Standing here in total silence
Far from where you breathe
Should we stay together
Or is it better if I leave

I started writing this blog post a few weeks ago, but didn't really have a chance to pump it out, as I've been under the pump in other areas of my life.  I wonder how many of us are far away from those who we are conscious of their breathing?  I think about how much love and care you have for someone, that you would be conscious of being in silence from such a far distance - that you would be quiet just so you can hear the thought of them breathing.  Who does that?  You might find yourself conscious of leaving or staying, trying to juggle which is the best option for you.

Should I be good or should I be evil?
I've gotta see the vision so the truth can be revealed
Should I be good or should I be evil?
Stand yourself in my shoes, tell me how you'd feel

Things are so black and white when they are good or evil.
We can try to explain our way out of situations, out of decisions made that cause pain and hurt to people around us.  We can try to justify why we did what we did, both consciously or unconsciously - whether they would even be subconsciously - who even knows the difference these days?  Deliberate intent and casual cause and effect.  We may never really know what our intentions are until we are faced with a situation that requires action or inaction.  Sometimes it's hard for people to know what you're going through because they can't stand themselves in your shoes.  They are so wrapped up in themselves that they can't see beyond to see what you're doing.  Or not doing.

Oh I have done right, but we all do wrong
You must see through all we can see
I guess my fate's been set, it's with deep regret
That I look back at how I used to be

Nobody is perfect.
If we were, we wouldn't have any problems that needed fixing, we wouldn't have any disasters that we needed to recover from.  Musically this section of the song is quite pretty.  The unusual combination of chords almost seem as if they are an attempt to try something different for the sake of deviation.  What does deep regret sound like to you?  It sounds poignant in this song.  It sounds like it's trying to tug itself at your heart strings to let you know that despite seeming to be strong - there is no real way of truly speaking without being offensive to another.  Have we made any progress about where we currently stand?  Have we learned enough to move on and truly change?  How did you used to be?  If you are different now, is it better or worse?  Did you change deliberately, randomly, or you had no choice in the matter?

Lying here in total darkness
I think my heart will break
As the teardrops fall
I wonder how much I can take

There is only so much a person is willing to take.
Even if people around you are totally aware of how much you have on in your life - they will still be in touch and want their pound of flesh as well.  That's ok.  Well, not really, but you understand that they have no other choice but to reach out to you.  There is too much that has happened, there is too much that has passed and no matter how much you try to move on and do things a little better, a little more profoundly, because the actions and decisions we made leading to those actions have a ripple effect that we never truly see.

Should I be good or should I be evil?
I've gotta see the vision so the truth can be revealed
Should I be good or should I be evil?
Stand yourself in my shoes, tell me how you'd feel

I hope that I find some happy medium soon - being equal parts fair and equal parts critical.
Sometimes we might not like the vision that we see, but if we want to live true authentic lives, they might not be the storybook endings that we have been lead to believe exist.  Should I be good for who?  Should I be evil for who?  Not everybody will win or benefit from whether you are good or evil.  I wonder what you would find if you stand yourself in my shoes.  I'm not sure if you would be able to tell me how you'd feel. . . 

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Ain't got far to go. . .

Close your eyes and take a step. . . 

Birds fly, we turned finally free
Patience lost, I began to lose me
My advice would be take a breath
Close your eyes and take a step

It's my late husband's birthday today.
I reminisced about the types of things we did to celebrate the occasion and I remembered how much he loved how I spoiled him on his special day.  When I lost him, I lost that part of myself that defined my connection to him.  Living without him has been a difficult journey, fraught with challenges where I crave listening to his advice for me when I had issues that he could solve or just hearing his thoughts about passions we both shared - particularly music and family.  I became impatient with grief when it first arrived at my doorstep and I didn't really know how to deal with it.  I wasn't expecting this situation to arrive so soon and I couldn't really talk to many people my age who had gone through a similar experience - I was the first to become a widow in my circle of friends.

I wasn't scared, I fought this on my own
You pulled me down and I let you go
I told you I would prove you wrong
And now I'm here and I'm standing strong

One of my friends asked me last night whether I still wrote blog posts, because she hadn't seen many from me this month.  August is always a particularly troublesome month because it is full of celebrations that I normally shared with my late husband - my birthday, our wedding anniversary and his birthday.  I must say that as the years go by, it does become less troublesome, but I never expect the ache to go away as people would have you believe that it will.  There have been moments when I have questioned why I have done things for others, in place of my late husband, and it has made me reflect on what I should be focusing on, standing strong on and relinquishing the grasps that reach out to me, when I do not want to be held.

I know (I know, I know)
I know (I know, I know)
I know (I know, I know)
That I ain't got far to go, go, go
'Cause I spent forever waiting
And it's no longer a dream
And now I've landed on my feet
And I ain't got far to go

Are there things in your life that only you can do?  That only you will be able to achieve?
I have a few of those things in my life at present and I have to harness my diligence and self discipline of my high school days to pursue my goals.  I sometimes think that if you are conditioned for success, often it can start to lose the appeal that it once had.  Not because you no longer enjoy being successful, but rather, that people expectations for your success can quickly turn from support to envy, even hatred.  It requires a lot of tenacity and perseverance to continue with postgraduate studies and you should seek all the available assistance.  I feel that after a significant period of turmoil, it is really good to be able to feel like the goals are becoming more tangible.  Have you landed on your feet too?

H-h-h-hold tight, rollercoaster, here we go
Florida, Orlando, I ain't playing with you
Day one, I said I'd go for me
One box ticked, got a lot to beat

Are you done playing games?
Listening to my friends and family in different situations of late, has lead me to believe that people play so many games in their lives.  I think to myself, why do we do that?  We can't be real and authentic anymore?  We just have to play our cards close to our chests and make sure people don't figure us out?  I'm not sure if I'm fed up with playing such games or I've actually learned to see the games coming, so extricate myself from being involved.  If you don't like certain rides, just don't get on them.  People will try and push you on, misconstrue what you are about - just know whether it's all worth it or not.

I'm here to stay, I'm here to stay
Amen (amen), amen (amen)
And if I had to go back in time
I would just do it again (again) again (again)

I believe that I don't have far to go to achieve my dreams, fulfil my goals.
There are people who don't think I can do what I have set out to do, but I don't need to focus on that.
Just focus on what needs to get done, prioritise the important things that do good for others in the long run, even if they can't see it right now.  Spend less time trying to justify why you're doing what you're doing, and believe in your destiny.  If things don't pan out as you'd planned - that's just more motivation to keep pushing and never give up.  So keep your eyes on the prize and stay confident in knowing that we ain't got far to go. . .